I’ll be back and writing again in a few months, but I’m dealing with a lot right now which is why I have disappeared from the internet for my own safety.
Other than that, there is an exciting website under way hosted by writer, hypnotist and magician Dillon Andrews (@DillonAndrews). I’ll be writing there in the future (@SyCalaelen), but be sure to check it out at: http://www.thestartandtheend.com/
Topics will range from discussions on the arts, modern magick and psychology. It’s still new and much more will come.
What does Babalon represent? How do I sing her praises, as it were, and what makes her stand out in my understanding of Thelema? From my own notes and ideas on this glorious Being I have come to a personal understanding of who she is. Whilst Thelema is a new path for me, and seeing how other women and men within this community have bonded together, I wanted to document my struggles with understanding my own femininity and skin, at least for this year anyway. For now I thought I would share the second part of my theory, which briefly outlines how I’ve come to know Her by knowing myself on a physical and mental (emotionally subjective) level.
One thing that does get me, which may come across as just a general moan, but when one reads about Babalon without reading the texts and digesting the information, people assume she represents just sex. I mean look at the image for this post, and then type in her name into Google or something and you’ll see sexual images of a naked lady, or members of the current red-headed brigade. All beautiful, all artistically powerful and thought provoking, but on a literal scale, it’s just naked women. I like to assume I have the eyes of a culture fan, someone who appreciates and understands art, so I don’t see anything pornographic in her. I see erotica on a small level, but I see what it she represents – liberation. The unfortunate issue with the lack of understanding symbology often means that people who are interested in Thelema, or new to it assume all female Thelemites’ are whores, which is totally untrue. Plus, on a personal note the word “whore” is getting old, and I genuinely do not care if I meet someone who loves a lot of sex, I love a lot of books. One fella commented on a photo asking if he were to become a Thelemite, would it mean he’d have women eagerly lining up to have coitus with him. My personal answer would be no (sorry pal, most of us ladies enjoy sex as we are liberated through Babalon, but our spidey-senses go crazy when a sleaze approaches *mic drop*). There is so much more to Her than her cup, and so much more to Thelema than just sex. I have yet to discover the other aspect of her personality as the Scarlet Woman (physical vessel as if were).
Babalon, with her most common understanding is the personification of the “liberated woman.” She represents that inner fire we are told to quell and control from a young age. Many, if not all popular religions don’t like the idea of change, or anything that could cause individualism. Those are seen as blasphemy and fearful. If a woman wants to write, let her write. If she wants more than one lover, let her. If a person, or woman, wants to delve into a deep passion that causes them happiness without harming another, let them. Why should they be stopped? These are the sort of questions and ideas I have written down on various pages when I rant about spending a few minutes with her. I know I have a passion for certain things in life, and I intend on running toward them, and at the same time I am coming into myself as I grow and that’s important.
When folks read and study texts concerning the other titles she is given such as “whore”, it causes a slight confusion. Why would you want to awaken that side of your mind if being open and liberated is frowned upon in today’s society? The names and words used to describe would make most people shudder with shock, and if given the chance to read something like Liber Samekh it would surely leave a horrid and bitter taste in the mouth – if you do read that book try not to go for the literal written words, try and ask yourself things like, “What do certain words actually mean?”. From my personal musings on this subject I have come to realise that politics and the philosophy of controlling female empowerment and behaviour was and still is a predominant ideology. Girls are taught from a young age how to live and behave, and anyone outside that is instantly labelled a “rebel”, “strange” or “whore” for preferring to listen to themselves instead. We are taught that the natural and uncontrollable elements of nature should be kept behind the curtains. I aim to continue listen to my intuition, that gut feeling, those almost inaudible whispers from my HGA, as well as being the curious individual I am. It shouldn’t have to take Babalon to show you that the most crude elements of societal expectations and magick to see how ridiculous it all truly is. Ra-Hoor help us if someone discovers they actually enjoy something as natural and frowned upon as masturbation. We are taught to dislike the natural elements of our body, and Babalon represents how we should stop contradicting ourselves, after all we are human. We are humans living a natural and spiritual experience. I acknowledge this, and like to share it with her.
As I’ve whined on both blogs a few times, I’m a very late bloomer, and I currently love and hate it. Whilst most people were having sex, flirting their way around a parking lot or having deep conversations over popular media trends my head was in books, writing or studying film, literature and magick. Whilst most pagan and occult folks were neck deep in drumming songs for meditation or performing sex magick with lovers, I was deepening my understanding of tarot and my position in the Universe. I will happily and openly admit I fear social situations and most people in general, so you can imagine the latter half of the last 26 years were spent in therapy and my house (thank god for the internet). It wasn’t until I started studying sex magick and Thelema two years back that I really had to stop and really listen to my body. I had to make the decision to start getting to know it better, on my own, before trusting anyone else. For those in the know, I have also managed to combine the whole “survivor mentality” to understanding my own liberation too, and it’s been quite rewarding. Trying to connect myself with the goddess was going to be a hard task, but I was determined to be with her.
Since then I haven’t done a great deal. Every now and then I’ll write up commentaries that relate to the first two texts I’d really studied in my early days,Liber Cheth vel Vallum Abiegni and Of Our Babalon, and of the The Beast whereon She Rideth. I’ve written the odd commentary on particular verses for my journal, and I like to keep my knowledge going when studying the Thoth Tarot. It’s important to me to keep studying the history of her existence, but also to read about how she was represented as the Scarlet Woman for ritual. When I’m not studying I like to assimilate my femininity with hers. I dedicate time with my yoni to her, and her other forms (Sekhmet and Nuit – just general female facets of the Universe) by drawing talismans or sigils in the air, or on my body, or visualising them when I’m in the heat of the moment, and finish by thanking myself. Like I mentioned in the previous post, She is in me, I in her, and so these precious moments remind me of her power on a smaller scale, and that makes me a whore of the Universe too.
I’ve only ever planned my ideal rituals, with her imagery as part of their makeup, but I have yet to meet someone who’ll love me the way I love myself. Until that day arrives I will continue to liberate myself mentally, physically and sexually. I won’t learn to feel the fire of freedom until I do. As for learning how to actually have sex, that’s for the other blog.
There are so many areas of politics that do not allow the female body to be seen, let alone worshipped, or her spirit honoured without some sort of advisory warning (#FreeTheNipple anyone?). So imagine an even smaller world within pagan and occult circles where such matters are seen equally, so long as it adheres to the guidelines set by modern beauty politics; light objectification of the female body (only ever between skinny and fat, never the inbetweens or “skinny-fat” like myself), European beauty standards on all levels of looks and personality (Isis is favoured because she is a mother, but make sure to cut out any major traits that simulate her with Egypt and Africa, and stick with lightening her skin tone, and definitely no Sekhmet because she’s wild and clearly “black”). But like most modern spiritual paths and religions, honouring the female, and obviously honouring myself, is slowly becoming accepted and expected. People are slowly coming to understand the true notion of duality, in nature, ourselves and in spiritual beings (deities, elements, nature etc). With the way people are being influenced daily it will be a while before a large number of us actually put duality into practice. So Babalon then? Where does she fit into my life? And how open can I be about my love for her? Let me think.
Babalon is Our Lady. She is a spirit, a force, an energy etc. something limitless and outside of time. Think of her as the female version of “God”. His equal, his counterpart, himself as a woman, the calm at the base of a fire, and the fuel at the same time. She is everything. She is in everything. She is half of one. In my head she represents the inner animalism and desire of the psyche. Think of the Thoth tarot, Atu XI Lust, that is her. She rides on the back of the seven-headed beast from Revelations (you can totally be a Christian Thelemite, trust me it’s a lot easier than you think), holding her Cup (there are many connotations of what the cup symbolises, but we shall stick with the womb and creation). She is the culmination of all human behaviour, good and bad, and she is freedom personified. See why she’s so highly celebrated amongst Thelemites?
If you remind yourself of Liber AL vel Legis, with the popular verse “there is no god but man,” one could easily assimilate the notion that if God is around, inside and outside of us, then so are other beings like Babalon. Babalon is, to me anyway, the personification of our psyches’ regardless of gender. She captures the Zeitgeist of ritual, and that warm and electric feeling when you’re on your own honouring yourself. She is that sacred place centred on the body, the yoni, that fire that draws on the linga.
My early awakening around who god was, and how it was to be perceived often centred around the pagan notion of the goddess —hence why the gods were ever present, my brain was clearly trying to teach me a model to apply equally later on. For years I could never connect myself with the goddess properly (according to the popular guidelines of separating humans from gods), but I had always been lucky in honouring her in my own private way. To me understanding the goddess meant understanding that I was also a goddess, a concept at the time that seemed kind of comforting and yet so otherworldly. I did not like the idea of separating genders nor separating the gods from who I was. Whilst most pagans would dance around a flowery circle screaming and singing the name of various goddesses, I was practising kundalini yoga by myself, I was teaching myself how to be more of a woman, and I was also enjoying loving myself. I wasn’t part of the group and I knew deep down that for the rest of my life I was never going to be. I learned to love myself by understanding the goddess and god.
But to add another theory, whilst women have a cup (with which we must fill or exercise often), men also have half of that mentally. How can you honour the god by ignoring that side of yourself? Same as how can you honour the goddess if you ignore that side too? Remember, Nuit cannot function without Hadit, and vice versa. (Just a theory guys, at this stage in my two year Thelemic career I am bound to fuck up!) Maybe then, that’s the reason why I’m such a weird kind of woman, on a quest to find love. I know it sounds strange or super juvenile but I want a linga to join my yoni someday, but for now Babalon is reminding me that I already have that push and that confidence I need to open up and love myself, by myself or with a partner. Bearing in mind Babalon is not all about sex or sexual activity, but more about the desires and the knowledge, and the freedoms that you wish to know, from the inside.
Imagine my surprise, after falling in love with Thelema when all of my “unconventional/clearly-not-part-of-the-circle-gang” practices were celebrated and allowed regardless of ethnicity and gender. Sure there’s Crowley and his annoying habit of being once being human (he’s a dead human now folks) with his likes and dislikes, his contradictory racism, and his secret love of painting black prostitutes when frequenting America (as far as I know only one painting remains out of the collection that he did), but there is more to Thelema than just the man who reminded us of this path. (Background information: Crowley didn’t quite invent Thelema, as it’s always been there for centuries, but he was responsible for ironing out the kinks and tying up loose ends). It’s such a lovely notion to think that even though I am “out-of-the-loop” within Thelemic circles, that some of my friends do remind me that I have Babalon inside too (you know who are, and I love you for that too). I have fallen for something that I see myself in, even if it’s under the surface.
Even though it's clear I'm not part of the "gang" of Babalon ladies, it's still nice to know deep down I honour her in my own private way.
Thelema has solidified my personal growth, whether it be through Liber AL vel Legis, Liber Oz or honouring Hadit and Nuit, or the other many things out there. Speaking with all kinds of women from the Thelemic world I have found two modes of thought: 1) Your gender doesn’t matter so much, Her inspiration lives within everyone and she reminds us of that drive to keep pursuing our dreams and desires, and 2) Even though you don’t fit current ideals, Balalon is there to be worshipped in all Her forms, regardless of her popular images. Honour her by honouring yourself. I know I definitely don’t fit Old Æon beauty ideals, let alone political ones, but within the Current flow I know I am Babalon, she is me, we are god, and so are you.
In nomine Babalon. As above, so below.
Sy
Babalon – MisterChuck tagged me in this photo I was so pleased. I don’t feel left out within Thelema – not too much anyway.
‘And there is another thing that keeps cropping up: such moral and sensible people are always appearing in life, such sages lovers of mankind who have made it their lifetime’s ambition to conduct themselves as decently and sensibly as possible, to enlighten their neighbours, strictly speaking, to prove to them in effect that it is really possible to live both morally and rationally in this world. What then? We know very well that sooner or later many of these philanthropists have, in their twilight years, betrayed themselves by committing some foolish act, sometimes of the most scandalous variety. Now I ask you: what can one expect of man, as a creature endowed with such strange qualities? Yes, showered him with all earthly blessings, immerse him so completely and happiness that bubbles dancing surface of his happiness, as though on water; grant him such economic prosperity that he will have absolutely nothing else to do but sleep, eat gingerbread and concern himself with the continuance of world history – and that man, out of sheer in gratitude, out of sheer devilment, will even do the dirty on you. He will even purchase gingerbread at risk and deliberately sectors heart on the most pernicious trash, the most uneconomical nonsense solely in order to alloy all this positive good sense with his pernicious, fantastic element. It’s precisely his fantastic dreams, his gross stupidity, that he wants to cling to, solely to convince himself (as if this were absolutely essential) that people are still people and not piano keys upon which the laws of nature themselves are not only playing with their own hands, but threatening to persist in playing until nothing can be desired that is not tabulated in the directory.’—Chapter VIII, ‘Notes from the Underground’ by Fyodor Dostoyevsky.
[This is all part of last night’s journal entry. The past few weeks have been trying my strength, with total strangers continuing to share/debate their dislike about me (and other people within the online public arena), either to my face (via email) or in private forums on a couple popular social networking sites. Some of the complaints and comments I’ve received since I opened up about becoming a Thelemite a year and a half ago have been easy enough to ignore, as most of them came from people who were not practitioners or educated beyond their own scope, but more recently it is people I am supposed to call Frater and Soror that have been hurting the most. I no longer feel anyhting for them. Let them come. Let Choronzon have His way. Besides, I am a youth, a female, and mixed raced woman after all, what do I know? Below, and the quotation above have been extracted word for word from my journal. Remember, I am one person. I do not speak for all Thelemites, and nor do I speak for the organisations I am an initiate and student of. Of L.L.L.L.L.]
I thought I would share that passage. It’s on point, opens you to that annoying truth, and overwhelmingly hyper-consciousness that we know of people who assume themselves to be bigger and better than other members of mankind. Because they allow themselves to follow a certain set of either individual, or societal rules or “rationalisations” they assume they have it all worked out. As if one of these folks could step forward and say he has found the meaning of life. Yet, in his private world he knows deep down this tiny seed has sprouted into delusion. He has to fight with himself, and question his every move, and every act, both outwardly and philosophically. The only issue there, is that he will see the world differently. If his kin choose not to follow the same methods as he then he feels the obligation to attempt to slew them. He forgets himself, his place within nature and thus becomes exactly what he so inherently despises – less than perfect. I wouldn’t go as far as blaming the ego for this, but some people would rather torch my foundations, figuratively speaking, than help me build upon them. They are so concerned with being so damn amazing (and egotistical – again, gently on ego), that they fail to see it is they who are fluffy. Where is the peace? If they cannot have it, seemingly nobody else can, least of all me (and they don’t even know me from Tefnut! Ignoramus).
I’m someone who enjoys questioning the logical and moral way of thinking and living. As Seneca stressed, you should make life an art, and live it as morally (and artfully as possible) whilst holding onto the very sheaths of rationality that you so very much despise, or assume you can overcome. I am currently in a state of flux. I’m rational and irrational – so far life as at art form is definitely arbitrary – but I am enjoying the pleasure, and the pain that comes with it.
Over the last few weeks I’ve been doing an awful lot of thinking, and it has come to my understanding that there is a lot to living the Thelemic philosophy, and in doing so understanding how to do it dutifully. I ask myself, how can I teach myself to overcome the wanton reactions from people who seek to hurt and harm me, who also are supposed to live by the same Law I do? The younger me would have let her heart bleed and her tears run free. Being hurt isn’t nice, and it really takes it’s toll on my mind. I’m not 100% sound anyway, but one symptom would be the knowledge that I am indeed sensitive and unfortunately very aware of things, which is what makes me a target. I have been meditating on how to overcome these distractions, these people, and have since developed a serious need to understand and live my life artfully, through Stoicism – by staying in the centre, “on the fence”, or in a flux of some kind, and knowing I have the freedom to move. Like the Hermit, you must work your way through an “Ordeal” by living, practising and learning. How else do you intend on keeping that light shining? The truly naive and “fluffy” are happy in their state of stagnation, and I must avoid them. I must continue allowing the negative people to come my way, and in doing so ignore them. Ignoramus.
I’m nowhere near perfect (and I have never stated so EVER), but like I said, I’m going to keep going and see what other philosophical thoughts crop up. I tell you, this path is utterly mind blowing. There is definitely something I need to learn, and I will remain open minded to whatever my Agape is fed from the Universe.
As for Dostoyevsky, yeah I’m re-reading ‘Notes…’ For the second time. He has a weird way of just writing up my thoughts and feelings using his words. It’s not just this novella, but his other works too, like ‘The Brothers Karamazov’ – all too surreal (emotionally speaking). I wonder. I take an awful lot of those silly philosophy quizzes to find out which school of thought I belong to, or which philosopher I’m akin to, and existentialism always crops up. We shall see what happens. I intend on exploring the many philosophies I’ve found mirrored in Thelema over the coming weeks/months. Please help and add your thoughts and comments – I like dialogue.
Sy, 93s
“Puffer” was the original word for “fluffy” – but attributed to failed alchemists. I’m not a failed alchemist. I must remind myself of my experiments since I was 11 years old.
“To all applicants it prescribes study; definite, hard study. The same kind of study as is asked for of those who would be doctors, lawyers, engineers, soldiers or even cab-drivers.” – Aleister Crowley, ‘Equinox Vol. 4 No. 1’
Putting myself through an almost rigorous, self-taught method of practice has pushed me further than I ever thought I would go. If someone told me I’d be the woman I am now when I was younger I probably would have laughed. I remember daydreaming as a child about one day donning a ritual cloak casting a circle for some powerful conjuration. I wasn’t sure if any of that would, or could ever be true. Pushing myself from the tender age of twelve, I have carved out my own niche within the world of magick, and the discipline can be both rewarding, and a comfort in dark times. There is a joy with having discipline, especially when taking myself away from my online endeavours, and the negativity it tends to generate. I would be lost without discipline, so here’s my reasoning on why it has been a life saver in the last few weeks, especially with still being new to Thelema and combining it to what I already know and practice.
Like most children I had after school activities to attend in order to keep an active lifestyle, and to push my intelligence further. I wasn’t the smartest child at school, but the intelligence I did have didn’t meet any of the goals expected of me. I was labelled a creative child, which meant I learnt things at a slightly slower pace than most, and I had to attend various extracurricular activities so I could continue being interested in my schooling. I was first inducted into a private language school to learn French from the age of 6 two days a week after my normal school days, and I continued to speak it fluently for many years after. I was taught to read and write from before I started school, alongside dance, elocution and good grammar. I guess, looking back, I’ve always had a big brain, but I’ve only ever been interested in practical subjects which meant whatever I learnt stayed locked up. In a way the discipline and structure I was taught became second nature. I applied this same structure toward most other activities, including my desire to educate myself on the teachings of mysticism and magick.
It’s a well-known fact that if you’re passionate about a particular subject you tend to excel in it. It could be anything from gardening, or having a talent for cooking. For me it’s the study of magick, literature and philosophy. Any time I have a few moments to myself I make sure I immerse myself in reading and practice. I like referring to the above quote to remind myself of the hard work I’ve put myself through. The unfortunate thing with allowing the public to see a tiny proportion of who I am, and letting them know about my practices has come at a price. I’m often reminded how lonely living on this path can be, even though I have a small number of friends and a couple best friends who know exactly what it’s like to be on a level where you’re on the outside due to not living up to the expected norms of other practitioners. This doesn’t hold me back though. I look back on my life so far and I’m happy about the places I’ve been with my study. I’m constantly growing, constantly developing new techniques for myself and correcting my mistakes. It’s all about that push, and that structure.
Without discipline I have no idea where I would be now, and it’s a comfort. I have often thought that maybe I would have given up on the magick life around the age of 14 or 16 when I was going through seriously hard times. Even the other day when I caught wind of my online bits and bobs being criticised by members of the larger community – who are supposed to help struggling people, rather than privatising their hatred – I felt the need to make my regime even more prominent as I headed toward another brick wall. Discipline means to apply stoic thought, keep your head down and keep working – everything else doesn’t matter as it is out of your control, especially if you have no hand in it – or if you do, accept that you have put it out there. You can’t make a river flow backwards.
Discipline leads to freedom as they say (or at least my old music headmistress used to constantly say to her students), and you cannot see the greatness in something you’ve created unless you put the work in – and sometimes it is needed regardless of whether you enjoy the subject or not (think school). I yearn for that feeling of peace, that freedom, and I’ve been lucky enough to know what those little moments are like when I completed something I’ve worked on for a while. I cannot tell you the peace I felt when I performed my first LBRP properly. Or the time I did all three parts of the four part Liber Resh, and immediately went into the LBRP after weeks of not having done so due to experiencing a depressive low. The relief, the excitement of knowing that I hadn’t forgotten one step filled me with such an overwhelming emotion that I fell to the floor in a flood of tears. I still have it. I know I have what it takes to keep going. I wrote up the events from that day the following morning, as the midnight Resh made me super knackered, but I remember flicking through the back pages and noticing I still made sure to keep my reading diary updated, though I hadn’t updated it in a while. I’m usually vigilant in keeping my journals up to date, especially as I will develop all kinds of knowledge that I’ll need to stay in constant flow with, and because I collect Moleskine journals and they are bloody pricey.
Even if it something as small as updating my journal, performing Liber Resh vel Helios, or doing yoga, I make sure to keep the routine going. If magick is already in you, and of magick flows all around, then every single thing you do is, and must be a magickal act. I’m aware of my own magick, and aware of the tiny effects it has within. It’s the feeling I guess, of knowing I’m being rewarded for my own work. Everyone should feel the excitement of doing their own work. It’s great! I’m not entirely sure what it means to be modern magician, but I’m getting there as a friend has pointed out in our conversations (Love ya Mr Vamp). It’s good to know I’m not far off. My enthusiasm and discipline have also meant I’ve made a few new friends who are willing to help me whenever I’m lost. To me it’s all passion.
But like I’ve stressed enough, I have found that continuing the need to carry out my regime means throwing myself in head first with making sure I fully understand the theory and practice of other rituals, philosophies and general theorising. Instead of allowing myself to wallow and feel crap about how my hard work is under fire for being that little bit daring. Discipline has kept me in shape, and it has helped me deal with this low period, even if it has been a slow comeback.
I need to continue staying focused, I’m not giving up on years of knowledge and practice just yet – even if that means erasing parts of my online works.
My pagan past hasn’t been all bad, in fact it has been amazing. I have pushed myself to go beyond places I always heard were bad. Thelema and the occult being two examples. We are conditioned from a young age, to what is correct and what isn’t. If you analyse the impact the New Age has had on people, you will find a pool of mixed experiences, but a lot of those experiences seem to follow the trend of conforming, and to another degree “aesthetic purposes”. These days I look at myself and feel good just being myself. Being free, being open and being proud of how far I have pushed myself. Things that seemed hard to begin with are now second nature, and I’ve benefitted hugely. Hard work is one area I found easy, and it also played a big part in the decision of leaving my Wicca days behind.
I used to fight with myself, when conversing with other Wiccans or Pagan practitioners, about how they chose to study. They studied the same things I did, but they never had the same annoying thoughts. They never questioned how or why. They didn’t need to worry about any of that stuff. Neither did a few folks I knew understand the concept of becoming aware of your inner voice; that gut feeling. That voice would insist on particular subjects, when I browsed books shops. Other times, like now, I would be writing something about my day, or the ritual I had performed and the words would just flow from my mind, as if being put there by Muses. Why hadn’t anybody else ever come forward about these experiences too? I started to meet other folks who said they understood me, but unfortunately they hadn’t. On those grounds alone I would say it was the individuals that annoyed me, not the religion. These people gave the religion a bad name in my eyes. I just had to get used to the idea that the only solid friend I could trust with my personal education was that gut feeling aka the HGA. (Have I Known All Along?)
So I put in the hard work, whoop! Where was it all going to lead me? Was there an end sight? Actually, for the first time in my life I found that goal, and now I have a new one. On top of that, I know there is so much more for me to discover. Below are excerpts from Equinox Vol. 4 No. 1, which detail the importance of study. Now don’t get me wrong, not everyone likes the study, nor do they see the point in studying, but that is just down to their individual preferences. I love to study, and I love to share my experiences – like I said, I’m a hard worker, and I strive for the absolute best. I hope in some way that this text will give you a slightly different insight into your own magickal study, but if it doesn’t then at least you have the knowledge:
Essay on Occultism – Equinox Vol. 4 No. 1, pp. 1-4
Essay on Occultism – Equinox Vol. 4 No. 1, pp. 1-4
I must admit, I choices I made were based on ideals I hadn’t really thought about. As time went on, with my spirituality deepening, I found a sense of realism and understanding, in fact a whole lot more than what was available. Around the time I went back to practising general witchcraft, I noticed the bigger picture. It was as if I had seen a tiny rip in the fabric, just flapping in the wind, as if beckoning me to rip it apart. Let’s just say I ripped at it, and slowly the world it revealed was full of beauty, power and knowledge – a kind of Eden. Amongst the thorny bushes, there would be a cornucopia of rare flowers, and I knew I would have to work my way through the thorns with bare hands. I didn’t mind. I’m a hard worker, with a keen soul and devoted heart. This is what I feel is missing from underdeveloped practices like Wicca – there aren’t goals to work toward. From my own experiences, I was running around in circles, just spending my time bowing down for the sake of habit. Then there would be days when I read the exact same thing, just written by another person, and quite happily digested it without question. It was a case of the blind leading the blind.
I remember reading my old books and coming across passages dedicated to slamming the occult, and things beyond the circle. At the same time, I came across these attitudes on the internet. All kinds of people would slam the serious practitioners for thinking differently. These days I get the odd comment, or email from someone who has read my blog or watched one of videos who will try to put me down for following a system that is thousands of years old, but only made available in the last century by Crowley. People want a quick fix, so they find false teachers and follow them, only to realise after a lot of energy has gone, that they were duped. They eventually find their way back to the people they originally thought less of, or look at spiritual subjects with a new eye. Everyone must follow a path set for them, but how they choose to follow it is a choice only they can make.
When I joined the YouTube community, I had experiences with socialising I had never gone through. I won’t go into too much detail, as I have done a lot in the past! I had worked out what the trends were, and stayed well away. I looked up to people, who I considered to be normal humans like me, but with better understanding on certain subjects. I also found a lot of others, who unfortunately continue to gas, who did a lot of talking, and never shared their own experiences – considering half of the folks who vlogged after a well-known vlogger went on a huge break, were only there for subscriber numbers, and not quality. I saw the shallowness of these people and quickly decided to just keep doing my thing, regardless of how boring my videos were. I didn’t care about the quantity, I only cared about documenting my progress for my own memory. Even today, I haven’t vlogged in ages because I’m busy being a university student, and being a Thelema student. I hate the idea of ever becoming an armchair magician, which is why I don’t vlog or write unless I have successfully experimented, or experienced something. Sadly, people like me are ignored and often over-looked due to our raw love of magick. We don’t like quick fixes, we love to endure the hard work and ordeals, because we know exactly what we will gain – truth, balance and another step on the ladder of transcendence. Those are qualities you can only find outside the New Age phenomenon. Then again, that’s just my opinion.
The amount of people I have met who left Wicca and other New Age formations behind for something deeper, truer and purer is astonishing! They learnt what they needed to, and moved up a class. I’m doing that too; experimenting, and increasing my knowledge pool. I needed to go through those days, in order to find out what I do not want in my future. It was one ordeal after another, but they have been worth it. In some big way, I feel great knowing my hard work paid off, and my persistence to stay afloat meant I was able to find absolute balance. I’m more confident because of it, and I can look in the mirror and smile at myself. It’s great.
“In the true religion there is no sect, therefore take heed that thou blaspheme not the name by which another knoweth his God; for if thou do this thing in Jupiter thou wilt blaspheme יהוה and in Osiris יהשוה. Ask and ye shall have! Seek, and ye shall find! Knock, and it shall be opened unto you!” – Verse 21, Liber Librae sub figura XXX
As I mentioned before, in my last post, I did not like the idea of white-washing other spiritual and cultural practices. When I was much younger, I didn’t mind reading about how to make other practices conform to the ideal that was set out. Bear in mind, this was at a time when Wicca or Neo-Wicca was mixed with an awful lot of theories and ideas, without much reference to the original roots – as if it was the inventor of such ideas. Writers’ would just write up their own experiences, which was fine, without letting the reader know where they learnt particular practices. You had to really dig to find authors who lead you to reputable sources like Cunningham, Valiente or Buckland. It still didn’t give me enough insight into how I would incorporate the other philosophical practices I was trying to study at the time.
Buddhism and yoga became the physical aspects of my practices, if you will. With Buddhism I didn’t need to buy a Westernised version of a mantra, or a Westernised Buddha statue in order to have him within the circle with me. The other aspect of Buddhism which did not fit, surrounded the notion that Buddha was a man, merely a teacher. He wasn’t a deity of any kind, so he wouldn’t be allowed to sit on the male side of the pillar, but he could sit somewhere at the side for aesthetic purposes. [Note: – Actually, now that I’m writing this, I’m honestly quite shocked – “aesthetic purposes”. Yes, as some nice people are aware, I am beating myself up, but I need to in order to feel purified. I ask myself, “to what end?” Why did I do this?] I was lucky in some way, knowing that I could listen to my gut feeling and research outside of the given texts. Why had I felt so keen on only celebrating the finer symbols in life? Why didn’t I just ignore the inner feelings of wanting to follow the trends? If they weren’t going to benefit my spiritual growth in any way, then I would just enjoy the knowledge and reap those benefits instead.
I delved deeper into unknown territory, but I felt safe in the knowledge that it was a place I was supposed to go. I had to learn about breathing techniques, yoga, effective circle casting, daily regimens, divination, history and the like outside of the Wiccan world. Wicca is a great place to start a life of study, but only if you have the intent of learning one form of magick without staying too long. If you want a lifelong process of soul working, and the ability to become enlightened then stick with witchcraft. Like I’ve said over and over, witchcraft is a practice, not a religion, so it become a big part of your personal life; you live it, it lives with you, and the benefit of just being a witch is knowing you don’t have restrictions. I felt, being different, I could love myself more by not conforming to one ideal. I had always been drawn to the Classical pantheons, and knowing their history, there wasn’t much if any discrimination on the grounds of your sexual orientation or colour. Back in those days, they didn’t pay much mind to it. I stuck with those paths and immediately felt a sense of relief, plus I could put all of my occult knowledge to good use and formulate a spiritual life of my own – which I later realised to be Thelema! Who knew?!
The purpose of living a spiritual life is to discover new things, but if one path seems to run out of road, what do you do? Do you go back and start all over again? Do you decide on setting up a homestead where the track has stopped? Or do you become a traveller, intent on finding other sources to bring back? For me, I was and still am a traveller, but I follow my heart’s desire with respect and awe, remembering to learn what I can and following the most important aspects. I won’t go out of my way to white-wash other religions because they don’t suit my own, I will respect them as they are and leave it there. If it doesn’t feel right, I listen to my gut. At the same time, as a blogger and vlogger I feel obliged to let young and impressionable people know what experiences I have gone through so they don’t end up chasing their own tails like I did.
An example of doing your thing comes from a friend of mine, who followed Wicca religiously like I did. He practises a form of Hellenism, but found in his early days he often had to view his deities the way Wiccan teachers and books had taught him. He felt his deities were being supressed in some way, being limited to particular functions within the practice and theoretical circle. He didn’t like the idea of limiting Aphrodite to the label of “Goddess of love”, as she had shown him things beyond that. Nor did he fully understand the logic behind mixing pantheons based on those limitations and stereotypes. Being Greek himself, he found Wicca incompatible with his culture, history and practices so he gave up after three years. Maybe Wicca is just limited to mostly one cultural ideal?
I’ve spoken to a few Thelemites, but mostly Mr Vamp about how the word “Obeah” is mentioned in the Book of the Law, and he quickly showed me other sources. For those of you aren’t aware Obeah is a form of magick practice in the Caribbean, mostly Jamaica. Last time I checked, Crowley had never been to the Caribbean, nor did he know much about it, but his guide Aiwass knew all there was to know about magick and the New Aeon, while giving Crowley his vision – but the thing that really stood out was the fact that there is a great emphasis on the human condition, and the freedom of being an individual without judgement. I wasn’t about to force myself to keep my soul from singing, just to suit my old books and later the YouTube community, like it says in Liber AL vel Legis, verse 41 “The word of Sin is Restriction!” – Mr Vamp reminded me of Calypso from the Pirates of the Caribbean films, she is an Obeah woman.
Most of the areas of my path were centuries old, with thousands of years of knowledge and freedom. Old thoughts and ideas have been developed and practised since, with a few key figures making this seemingly secret knowledge more accessible in their time, and ours. A lot of this life changing knowledge unfortunately falls outside of Wicca, and it takes one in a hundred to brave it outside the circle – and realise they haven’t fallen into some treacherous pit of annihilation, but a world full of incomprehensible beauty. I have found areas within this path of mine to follow even most basic of common sense, and a rigid back bone. It doesn’t matter where you come from, or the Gods you choose to work with, there is always plenty of space, essays and love for them. Like Crowley said above, “Ask and ye shall have! Seek, and ye shall find! Knock, and it shall be opened unto you!” Crowley is a prime example of this technical ideal, as he and friends put together one of the ultimate’s in correspondence charts for magick, Liber 777. Whatever deity, herb, Thoth card or I Ching etc. that you want to use with your own personal magick, you will find other effective tools within it. Whatever it is you want to explore, be aware that magick is a science, you are supposed to theories and experiment, whilst deciding what is important for you as an individual. If it doesn’t make sense, don’t do it. If there is something you want to try and learn, without practising, then that’s totally down to you. Thankfully, I’m able to just pick where I left off as far as occult magick and study is concerned, as there is more than enough room within Thelema. Don’t take any less than what you are.
Would you tell her to keep the get up, but limit things to particular ideals? Or would you just let her be the free witch she is?
Calypso, from the Pirates of the Caribbean films. An Obeah woman.
The post I wrote titled ‘Mourning My Pagan Past is Making Me Angry’ was tough for me to write. At the same time it brought back feelings of anger toward my personal experiences as a lone student behind a glass wall. Sadly, a lot of people who had read it felt I had offended them because my experiences were valid to me and not them. Somehow they felt I was being incredibly horrid because I have chosen a well-deserved path for myself. Let me make myself a little clearer, it’s MY path, and I need to do what is true for ME; I am not trying to convert anyone, just sharing my experiences and promulgating the Law.
I have written this post over and over, trying to figure out how to put my discoveries across. Obviously there are an awful lot of sensitive people out there, and they don’t stop and think about what it is they could be saying to me. Yes, I learnt witchcraft, and in some ways I still see myself using witchcraft in the future, and yes I finally graduated from the field of Wicca and I’m much happier. That is something people cannot seem to understand. Folks genuinely believe there is no existence beyond Wicca, nor do they feel that anything outside Wicca is right. The sad thing is, a lot of Neo-pagans today left Christianity for that same judgemental attitude. I also try to be one of the few occult practitioners who is trying to put the importance of words on the map, for example, witchcraft is a craft, and Wicca is a religion. Witchcraft is used by any religion or non-religious person(s).
If you found a better cooking method, based on methods from a bygone era, wouldn’t you follow those methods? Like keeping the tradition of cooking with your grandmothers recipe, rather than following a popular trend based on cooking from a box?
Folks have moaned in the past that Thelema is a new concept, sure. Aleister Crowley merely made it accessible for magick students. If you research Thelema itself, the philosophy goes as far back as ‘Gargantuan’ by Rabelais – at least from what I have read. It’s probably a whole lot older. The thing that I love most about my path is that I’m learning new things, having more physical experiences and I’m able to put all the amazing lessons I’ve learnt from witchcraft and the occult to good use.
I don’t feel like a stranger or someone who is odd. I still follow ancient Egyptian ideals with a Qabalah flow, whereas when I was practising Egyptian Wicca I had to make sure I turned Egyptian symbols into Wiccan ones. I would celebrate Wiccan holidays every year, with Wiccan symbols, but remember to make the Egyptian symbols comply. I didn’t feel comfortable. Why only two deities when all are a part of your very being? Why frown on things outside the circle when I hadn’t explored them? I was always a curious child, and I’ve always listened to my gut.
Why hadn’t there been more emphasis on modern ideals set on old symbols outside of western new age practices? It was a learning curve, and I was happy to do all the research and conversions for my own practices, which eventually lead me to just doing my own thing. When I would research particular symbols, the idea of the Universe, ascension and a solid philosophy with goal, I couldn’t find very much. Like most religions Wicca was based on much older practices, but unlike most, Wicca was diluted. The idea of casting a circle wasn’t a Wiccan concept, but when I researched various ways it could be done, I found them to be more in-depth, and they held symbols that I could never find within the confines of Wicca or Neo-Wicca. I didn’t mind. It annoyed me that I preached so highly about this path, yet in the long run it wouldn’t serve anything for my soul. I did my daily devotions – to what end? Discipline? I already had that. I wasn’t sure. I just didn’t fit the mould.
I recently tried to Wiccan-ise Thelemic holidays and failed. I just felt I wasn’t meant to. I have recently decided on not doing that anymore. A few people have stepped forward and given me their ideas and tips of how to combine Wicca with Thelema, but I prefer not to. If Wicca is based on Thelema, minus the other colours (other cultures and their practices) and sexuality freedoms (orientation and freedom), then I personally don’t feel the need to mix the two. I will happily practice witchcraft and the occult, but to my own ends, with a goal to work toward.
I experience and understand things unique to me, and others like me. I’m quite happy on my path. Lonely, but quite happy. If the universe wants me to grieve the process of moving onto the next chapter, then I will. It’s a process I have come to realise as life. I feel safe going into something considered the unknown, because it’s known to me and that’s all that counts. If I were to teach my child magick, I would teach them witchcraft and allow them to find the religious or spiritual path they choose to combine with it themselves.
I choose to live my life this way, and if it upsets you or you think terribly about me then that’s your prerogative. I’m working toward my True Will, and it’s a one seated vehicle. These feelings will not cease.
“18 months? Really? Is that all?” – that’s what one friend wrote in a catch up email (plus I also find I prefer catch-ups, so I can get used to normal interaction). The fact that it’s only been 18 months makes me giddy with delight. It’s been tough, easy, tiresome and weary, but I am one happy young woman for it. A lot of folks who are new to Thelema like myself, follow my stuff in order to see one perspective. I also follow podcasts, blogs and learn from friends about their own perspectives on Thelema. All in the goodness of progress, and to gain further knowledge.
I have been using specific jargon, trying to teach myself gematria (considering I grew up part Jewish, it’s still not bloody easy…) and using Thelemic greetings on a daily basis. I did notice a few folks writing to me about certain small areas they were stuck on, so here are a few tiny bits I’ve learnt in order to feel and be a new Thelemite.
First and foremost, try not to be afraid. If you are curious about something, I am pretty sure someone has written something about it, so read it and see. Understand that you are in total control, so if you allow your fears and worries to stop you from progressing, be aware of that and note it down. Remember, it’s all progress and you have an awful lot of time to realise the person you are and the Will you must acknowledge. I’ve learnt a lot about myself, especially emotionally and physically that I didn’t pay much attention to, either because I didn’t know how or I lived in fear. I’m all better now that in working through those issues.
I was told, by many and via Crowley’s words that all you need to do is accept Liber AL vel Legis, and understand it by exercising your Will through Magickal practice and cleansing. It is also super helpful to read and study what you can, and note every tiny detail in a journal. One of my shortest pieces followed through as such:
“22/12/2012 23:42
Force read chapter 8 of ‘The Middle Pillar’ twice. Just to understand… I’m tired and the syntax is making me even more tired. Did LBRP earlier and feel fine… Still think something is present in this room. 93”
Looking back I can gladly state I felt the negative energies being “boxed up” as it were, since the more I practiced the LBRP the more acute my awareness became. Another petty point is the number 93. A lot of new folks use it without knowing what it means, and I’m speaking from experience. 93 is commonly used as a greeting between Thelemites to signify love and will, here’s how: Θ = 9
ε = 5
λ = 30
η = 8
μ = 40
α = 1
Add all the numbers and it equals: 93!
Θελημα is Thelema written in Greek; it means Will.
Α = 1
γ = 3
α = 1
π = 80
η = 8
Add all the numbers and it equals: 93!
Αγαπη is Agape written in Greek; it means Love.
Two phrases are apparent, “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law,” (AL 1:40) and “Love is the law, love under will” (AL 1:57), with a deep understand around the words “love” and “will”. The first verse has emphasis on the will of a person, and the second verse follows through with giving love and inspiring will. So when Thelemites greet one another they usually say “93!”, or “93s!” to encapsulate this. In letters/emails/texts, whether formal or not, it is known to write 93 at the beginning and the end. For me, I like the formal and informal way of writing:
Formal:
93,
Body of message.
93, 93/93
Informal:
93, (or to close friends who are in in the joke, 93 Peaches),
Body of message.
93s!
93 is also a visual reminder or symbol to the Thelemite to stay true to his path and be free within discipline; at least that is how I see it.
As mentioned before, I like to follow various authors and speakers on the matter of life as a Thelemite. One such person is located on the blog roll over there ↗️ Or ➡️… IAO131 (just google that). He has been someone who has not only inspired the way I allow myself to be more open minded, but he was recommended to me by Mr Vamp, and thus I have recommended his website and books to other people. Speech in the Silence and ThelemaNOW! are also great sources for the modern green bean, such as myself. So set out into the world and breathe deep; you are the centre if your universe.
Another useful tip when living life as a Thelemite which I found most useful, flash cards. Bloody write stuff on them and train your mind! They are heaven sent! Whoever invented them needs sainthood. I mean it! In the last 18 months, I would write stuff all over my journals, and it never occurred to me to use damn flash cards until a friend mentioned them. You learn something new everyday!
That’s all I can think of as super, super duper basics for now. I’ll think of other stuff in future.
This will be a super weird post, as it’s something I haven’t thought about too thoroughly. However, it does revolve around my personal education as a magician and Thelemite. More than ever, it’s a lifelong lesson I know I must endure, and it’s a very personal one at that. These last few posts have seen me looking at my past as I’m currently analysing what has happened. I guess I’m preparing myself for an in depth chapter of my life, which I feel will be part of the making of my character.
Most people come to a point in life when they’ve made a positive, and drastic change to their lifestyle and their beliefs especially. I am no exception to that prevailing device. When I made the decision to stop being Christian and Jewish I was young and didn’t mind. The transition was fairly easy, looking back. I was a preteen with a big ambition, a big heart and a love for something more than what I was brought up to believe. I knew something bigger was out there, I just didn’t know what. It was around that tender age that my God complex and base philosophical ideals started to show signs of development. G-d was something more.
When. I found witchcraft everything seemed fine. Sure, I had to keep my books and tools a total secret but that’s all part of the journey. Later came Wicca, and I made a nice comfy seat inside the broom closet. I learnt a lot about the general basics of witchcraft, and learnt the observances and religious ideals from Wicca. Again, my deep roots within philosophy and questioning were quite apparent, and soon I found the roadblocks and hypocrisy within a free religion that revealed no freedom, and it didn’t teach me about ascension – don’t get me wrong, it’s a lovely path, but I hated staying in one place and blaming myself for it.
The denial and the pressure to conform to an ideal that wasn’t actually ideal made life difficult. I wanted to be part of something true, as I made a ton of friends, but for me it wasn’t something that sat well within my heart. I put all my intentions into the universe and it replied by sending me down other paths whilst continuing to carry the Wiccan flag. This continued until the occult made herself known, and especially until I found Thelema.
The transition I’ve gone through in the last year has meant I have seen and experienced things I had never thought truly possible. The philosophy of Thelema, Hermeticism and such alike have really shaken my foundation. It’s good to have the odd shake once in a while – it really forces you to stop and just smell the coffee. I found I would ask myself each week what I believed and why. Some of my occult ad pagan buddies found my new found home quite intriguing, and thus I felt I could open up. Some have actually requested titles I have enjoyed, and I have been generous in recommending all kinds of material around Thelema and the occult. A few friends have actually turned to Thelema as it serves as a foolproof philosophy that instills freedom, rigidity and a truly personal connection to the universe. There is a goal to not only achieve, but it also shows a lot of people the truth about who they are. Maybe I’m wrong, but without Thelema I wouldn’t have reached the plateau I have.
I’m unable to fully accept the amount of anger that grew once I began studying harder. The unfulfilled and empty wishes. In fact, I stopped performing spells years back, and stuck with ritualised formulas instead. I’ll probably make space to perform small spells in the future… Maybe not. My transition was mostly positive, but boy I felt like I screwed myself terribly during my “denial days”. To this day I’m still weary of practices from my past, especially as such practices are on the rise. My toughest life lesson is following Liber LXXVII so wholeheartedly. At first glance it looks so easy, and once explained makes a whole lot of sense, but the more I look at it the more my past rears it’s ugly head.
Is that normal? To feel disdain toward the unfulfilling elements of my past? I’m shocked by how angry I am toward it all. I assume it’s some kind of purge? I have this annoying trait which means I want to help everyone – I know I can’t. But the idea of just letting someone fall without even attempting to help them bothers me. I’m a big softie! People are free to do as they please, especially if they are happy as they are. I have no right to show them any other way. It’s how their life is supposed to run. Sometimes that’s a great reminder to just stay out, but sometimes it’s a painful thing to watch.
It’s a lifelong lesson all right. I guess what I’m trying to point out also, is the fact that you must stay rigid even when you feel utterly sour and useless. Sometimes you have to “lay back and just let people walk all over you as it’s their Will,” as one friend wrote me recently (thank you). When do you stand up for yourself, without shoving your beliefs down their neck? It’s all rather complex and simple all at the same time.
That’s all I can think if right now, but I am thinking about how to approach the very sensitive issue of Wicca from a Thelemic point of view without offending all Wiccans’ or pagans. Maybe that’s another ponder post for the future.
I haven’t been making a great deal of sense with my musings or theories. I just hope I figure it all out soon!
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