Leave a comment

Young, Female, Thelemite | Babalon and Me, Part 1

There are so many areas of politics that do not allow the female body to be seen, let alone worshipped, or her spirit honoured without some sort of advisory warning (#FreeTheNipple anyone?). So imagine an even smaller world within pagan and occult circles where such matters are seen equally, so long as it adheres to the guidelines set by modern beauty politics; light objectification of the female body (only ever between skinny and fat, never the inbetweens or “skinny-fat” like myself), European beauty standards on all levels of looks and personality (Isis is favoured because she is a mother, but make sure to cut out any major traits that simulate her with Egypt and Africa, and stick with lightening her skin tone, and definitely no Sekhmet because she’s wild and clearly “black”). But like most modern spiritual paths and religions, honouring the female, and obviously honouring myself, is slowly becoming accepted and expected. People are slowly coming to understand the true notion of duality, in nature, ourselves and in spiritual beings (deities, elements, nature etc). With the way people are being influenced daily it will be a while before a large number of us actually put duality into practice. So Babalon then? Where does she fit into my life? And how open can I be about my love for her? Let me think.

Babalon is Our Lady. She is a spirit, a force, an energy etc. something limitless and outside of time. Think of her as the female version of “God”. His equal, his counterpart, himself as a woman, the calm at the base of a fire, and the fuel at the same time. She is everything. She is in everything. She is half of one. In my head she represents the inner animalism and desire of the psyche. Think of the Thoth tarot, Atu XI Lust, that is her. She rides on the back of the seven-headed beast from Revelations (you can totally be a Christian Thelemite, trust me it’s a lot easier than you think), holding her Cup (there are many connotations of what the cup symbolises, but we shall stick with the womb and creation). She is the culmination of all human behaviour, good and bad, and she is freedom personified. See why she’s so highly celebrated amongst Thelemites?

If you remind yourself of Liber AL vel Legis, with the popular verse “there is no god but man,” one could easily assimilate the notion that if God is around, inside and outside of us, then so are other beings like Babalon. Babalon is, to me anyway, the personification of our psyches’ regardless of gender. She captures the Zeitgeist of ritual, and that warm and electric feeling when you’re on your own honouring yourself. She is that sacred place centred on the body, the yoni, that fire that draws on the linga.

My early awakening around who god was, and how it was to be perceived often centred around the pagan notion of the goddess —hence why the gods were ever present, my brain was clearly trying to teach me a model to apply equally later on. For years I could never connect myself with the goddess properly (according to the popular guidelines of separating humans from gods), but I had always been lucky in honouring her in my own private way. To me understanding the goddess meant understanding that I was also a goddess, a concept at the time that seemed kind of comforting and yet so otherworldly. I did not like the idea of separating genders nor separating the gods from who I was. Whilst most pagans would dance around a flowery circle screaming and singing the name of various goddesses, I was practising kundalini yoga by myself, I was teaching myself how to be more of a woman, and I was also enjoying loving myself. I wasn’t part of the group and I knew deep down that for the rest of my life I was never going to be. I learned to love myself by understanding the goddess and god.

But to add another theory, whilst women have a cup (with which we must fill or exercise often), men also have half of that mentally. How can you honour the god by ignoring that side of yourself? Same as how can you honour the goddess if you ignore that side too? Remember, Nuit cannot function without Hadit, and vice versa. (Just a theory guys, at this stage in my two year Thelemic career I am bound to fuck up!) Maybe then, that’s the reason why I’m such a weird kind of woman, on a quest to find love. I know it sounds strange or super juvenile but I want a linga to join my yoni someday, but for now Babalon is reminding me that I already have that push and that confidence I need to open up and love myself, by myself or with a partner. Bearing in mind Babalon is not all about sex or sexual activity, but more about the desires and the knowledge, and the freedoms that you wish to know, from the inside.

Imagine my surprise, after falling in love with Thelema when all of my “unconventional/clearly-not-part-of-the-circle-gang” practices were celebrated and allowed regardless of ethnicity and gender. Sure there’s Crowley and his annoying habit of being once being human (he’s a dead human now folks) with his likes and dislikes, his contradictory racism, and his secret love of painting black prostitutes when frequenting America (as far as I know only one painting remains out of the collection that he did), but there is more to Thelema than just the man who reminded us of this path. (Background information: Crowley didn’t quite invent Thelema, as it’s always been there for centuries, but he was responsible for ironing out the kinks and tying up loose ends). It’s such a lovely notion to think that even though I am “out-of-the-loop” within Thelemic circles, that some of my friends do remind me that I have Babalon inside too (you know who are, and I love you for that too). I have fallen for something that I see myself in, even if it’s under the surface.

Thelema has solidified my personal growth, whether it be through Liber AL vel Legis, Liber Oz or honouring Hadit and Nuit, or the other many things out there. Speaking with all kinds of women from the Thelemic world I have found two modes of thought: 1) Your gender doesn’t matter so much, Her inspiration lives within everyone and she reminds us of that drive to keep pursuing our dreams and desires, and 2) Even though you don’t fit current ideals, Balalon is there to be worshipped in all Her forms, regardless of her popular images. Honour her by honouring yourself. I know I definitely don’t fit Old Æon beauty ideals, let alone political ones, but within the Current flow I know I am Babalon, she is me, we are god, and so are you.

In nomine Babalon. As above, so below.

Sy

Babalon

Babalon – MisterChuck tagged me in this photo I was so pleased. I don’t feel left out within Thelema – not too much anyway.


Leave a comment

To be a Puffer or Not to be a Puffer? | Journal Extract

‘And there is another thing that keeps cropping up: such moral and sensible people are always appearing in life, such sages lovers of mankind who have made it their lifetime’s ambition to conduct themselves as decently and sensibly as possible, to enlighten their neighbours, strictly speaking, to prove to them in effect that it is really possible to live both morally and rationally in this world. What then? We know very well that sooner or later many of these philanthropists have, in their twilight years, betrayed themselves by committing some foolish act, sometimes of the most scandalous variety. Now I ask you: what can one expect of man, as a creature endowed with such strange qualities? Yes, showered him with all earthly blessings, immerse him so completely and happiness that bubbles dancing surface of his happiness, as though on water; grant him such economic prosperity that he will have absolutely nothing else to do but sleep, eat gingerbread and concern himself with the continuance of world history – and that man, out of sheer in gratitude, out of sheer devilment, will even do the dirty on you. He will even purchase gingerbread at risk and deliberately sectors heart on the most pernicious trash, the most uneconomical nonsense solely in order to alloy all this positive good sense with his pernicious, fantastic element. It’s precisely his fantastic dreams, his gross stupidity, that he wants to cling to, solely to convince himself (as if this were absolutely essential) that people are still people and not piano keys upon which the laws of nature themselves are not only playing with their own hands, but threatening to persist in playing until nothing can be desired that is not tabulated in the directory.’ —Chapter VIII, ‘Notes from the Underground’ by Fyodor Dostoyevsky.

[This is all part of last night’s journal entry. The past few weeks have been trying my strength, with total strangers continuing to share/debate their dislike about me (and other people within the online public arena), either to my face (via email) or in private forums on a couple popular social networking sites. Some of the complaints and comments I’ve received since I opened up about becoming a Thelemite a year and a half ago have been easy enough to ignore, as most of them came from people who were not practitioners or educated beyond their own scope, but more recently it is people I am supposed to call Frater and Soror that have been hurting the most. I no longer feel anyhting for them. Let them come. Let Choronzon have His way. Besides, I am a youth, a female, and mixed raced woman after all, what do I know?  Below, and the quotation above have been extracted word for word from my journal. Remember, I am one person. I do not speak for all Thelemites, and nor do I speak for the organisations I am an initiate and student of. Of L.L.L.L.L.]

I thought I would share that passage. It’s on point, opens you to that annoying truth, and overwhelmingly hyper-consciousness that we know of people who assume themselves to be bigger and better than other members of mankind. Because they allow themselves to follow a certain set of either individual, or societal rules or “rationalisations” they assume they have it all worked out. As if one of these folks could step forward and say he has found the meaning of life. Yet, in his private world he knows deep down this tiny seed has sprouted into delusion. He has to fight with himself, and question his every move, and every act, both outwardly and philosophically. The only issue there, is that he will see the world differently. If his kin choose not to follow the same methods as he then he feels the obligation to attempt to slew them. He forgets himself, his place within nature and thus becomes exactly what he so inherently despises – less than perfect. I wouldn’t go as far as blaming the ego for this, but some people would rather torch my foundations, figuratively speaking, than help me build upon them. They are so concerned with being so damn amazing (and egotistical – again, gently on ego), that they fail to see it is they who are fluffy. Where is the peace? If they cannot have it, seemingly nobody else can, least of all me (and they don’t even know me from Tefnut! Ignoramus).

I’m someone who enjoys questioning the logical and moral way of thinking and living. As Seneca stressed, you should make life an art, and live it as morally (and artfully as possible) whilst holding onto the very sheaths of rationality that you so very much despise, or assume you can overcome. I am currently in a state of flux. I’m rational and irrational – so far life as at art form is definitely arbitrary – but I am enjoying the pleasure, and the pain that comes with it.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been doing an awful lot of thinking, and it has come to my understanding that there is a lot to living the Thelemic philosophy, and in doing so understanding how to do it dutifully. I ask myself, how can I teach myself to overcome the wanton reactions from people who seek to hurt and harm me, who also are supposed to live by the same Law I do? The younger me would have let her heart bleed and her tears run free. Being hurt isn’t nice, and it really takes it’s toll on my mind. I’m not 100% sound anyway, but one symptom would be the knowledge that I am indeed sensitive and unfortunately very aware of things, which is what makes me a target. I have been meditating on how to overcome these distractions, these people, and have since developed a serious need to understand and live my life artfully, through Stoicism – by staying in the centre, “on the fence”, or in a flux of some kind, and knowing I have the freedom to move. Like the Hermit, you must work your way through an “Ordeal” by living, practising and learning. How else do you intend on keeping that light shining? The truly naive and “fluffy” are happy in their state of stagnation, and I must avoid them. I must continue allowing the negative people to come my way, and in doing so ignore them. Ignoramus.

I’m nowhere near perfect (and I have never stated so EVER), but like I said, I’m going to keep going and see what other philosophical thoughts crop up. I tell you, this path is utterly mind blowing. There is definitely something I need to learn, and I will remain open minded to whatever my Agape is fed from the Universe.

As for Dostoyevsky, yeah I’m re-reading ‘Notes…’ For the second time. He has a weird way of just writing up my thoughts and feelings using his words. It’s not just this novella, but his other works too, like ‘The Brothers Karamazov’ – all too surreal (emotionally speaking). I wonder. I take an awful lot of those silly philosophy quizzes to find out which school of thought I belong to, or which philosopher I’m akin to, and existentialism always crops up. We shall see what happens. I intend on exploring the many philosophies I’ve found mirrored in Thelema over the coming weeks/months. Please help and add your thoughts and comments – I like dialogue.

Sy, 93s

“Puffer” was the original word for “fluffy” – but attributed to failed alchemists. I’m not a failed alchemist. I must remind myself of my experiments since I was 11 years old.

Dostoyevsky

Dostoyevsky


3 Comments

The Privacy of Magick

It’s something I’ve always noticed when meeting other pagans, the privacy of ones magick and learning. It’s lovely to hear that this person is a Druid, that one is a chaos magician and those folks are Wiccans. There is a deeply diverse set of ideas being practiced, so much so we not only lean on a strong foundation, but continue to fuel our own culture of magick. One of the main tenants of magick is The Four Powers of the Sphinx highly emphasised by Eliphas Levi, “to Know, to Will, to Dare and to Keep Silent,” which engraves the ideal that your magick is personal (for the Will) and intimate so you should keep silent on some areas, but happily discuss others with other Magickal folks to forward your learning.

I’m one of those individuals who keeps quiet on personal and intimate aspects of my Magickal performances and its journey. In fact, up until last August the only people I felt good enough to divulge in my secrets with could be counted on one hand, excluding the thumb. I didn’t like to open up too much because of how I was conditioned. When I met my first coven, (a very silly group of teenagers who didn’t take magick seriously, as they all tried to mirror the character of Nancy from The Craft), I suddenly felt the need to keep my practices to myself. Anytime I showed them my first Book of Shadows, they would either copy what I had, or moan that I was getting this wrong, and that wrong (when in fact I hadn’t because I hand copied most of my information from various books and authors). I was around the tender age of 13 so you can imagine the blow to my self esteem, and over time I stopped sharing my ideas with people. I developed a sense of intimacy as the years went on, due to the complexity and purity of my various contact rituals with elements of deity. At the same time I developed a feeling of insecurity and paranoia about what other people may say about my practice, so much so I used to get very defensive if someone tried to point out a flaw they had, when it was mirrored through me. Let me give you a small example…

I was chatting away with a guy a few years back. Hardcore Celtic pagan practitioner and very proud of his ancestry from the Anglo Saxons. I was quite deep into my practice of Egyptian, Roman and Greek paganism. I also started reading up and teaching myself about the philosophies of alchemy, Hermeticism and occult beliefs. Whenever this man and I would catchup over coffee he would go on and on and on about his beliefs. Whenever I gave what replies I could about how I would practice something different, and inform him I respected his views as they were all similar, he would be quick to jump down my throat and say that my beliefs were wrong. In fact, on one occasion he demanded I never study Crowley as he, like many still do, thought that it would be dangerous, wrong and that I wouldn’t be ready. What he didn’t know was I already started studying Crowley informally, little by little and I was quite happy. You can imagine what happened in that coffee shop that day, with him putting me down and telling me what to do. I flipped. I became very defensive and told him off, stating how everyone has their own journey to walk, by themselves. Just because he wasn’t adept enough to move onto or understand Crowley, didn’t mean I wasn’t.

That’s where the privacy element also comes in. With the Internet you can meet lots of like minded people, and discuss any area that intrigues you. I find, which is almost coincidental, that people keep their mouths shut in fear of subtle persecution for being a tiny bit different. Maybe that’s me? Or do you see it too? I still get defensive today, especially when I’ve practiced things most haven’t. At the moment the most prevalent subject in my practice is Buddhism. Buddhism is incredibly misunderstood, so much so even it’s many followers get their paths wrong. Whilst I’m a solitary Thelemite, I still catch up on Tonglen practice and honour Vajrayogini, including Buddhist mysticism/magick. Most Thelemites cannot, and will not discuss Buddhism because Crowley said its crap. If Crowley was alive today and looked at Buddhism properly I’m sure he would retract his ideas, like he did years before he died when he bad mouthed the Jewish folks. The times have changed…

I will run to the defence of the Universe, the deities and my HGA. I may do things differently, believe slightly different philosophies but they are what make me who I am. At the same time, you’re practices are moulded just for you too, and the closest I’ll get to your practices is if I think you have something I can learn. I love to learn!

When was the last time you felt a knot of defence grow in your gut? Do you ever feel like you can only open up about certain subjects with certain people, or anyone you meet?

Magick is private due to those tenants above, but because magick is so personal, as its pumps through your blood, you have to defend it often. Thankfully, my blog is my main area of sharing. I can write tiny elements of intimacy and be happy knowing someone will either agree, or disagree.

Sy x


2 Comments

Thelema & the Polarity Road Block

[Ed. I was supposed to publish this last Friday 30th November, but due to the lack if Internet access it has been postponed until today. Bare in mind, it is a few days old. The feelings I had then have subsided a bi since.]

It seems all that I have been learning, and noting down has been pretty good since that eventful change in May. Ever since Book 4 crept into my dreams, it took me a month to finally get my arse back down to Atlantis Books opposite the British Museum, to purchase it. Most of you know what happened, either from the video or the post about how that invisible spirit kept urging me to do a reading, to prove to myself that I needed the book (since I wasn’t listening to it much at the time). This “spirit friend” has been around for as long as I can remember, helping me out with mundane decision making, or just being a shoulder to cry on. I have no idea what it is, but up until recently I just assume it is a manifestation of some kind and most probably not my HGA. Sad face.

I squealed before about how much my path excites me, and how rare I find trouble or difficulty pulling intelligence out of the bullshit that is out there. I have found myself in a place that is pure, refreshing and second nature. I could write up a ritual within minutes, plan it and perform it within days or weeks. Magick has become so normal in my life, that I literally breathe it. I mean that in both ways, spiritually (living it) and fundamentally (understanding it). For me, my life has taught me that you need both ends of a pole to fully grasp it. For those of you who have access to the Kybalion, refer to the Principle of Polarity—“Everything is dual; everything has poles; everything has Its pair of opposites; like and unlike are the same; opposites are identical in nature, but different in degree; extremes meet; all truths are but half-truths; all paradoxes may be reconciled.”–The Kybalion. Otherwise, think of life/spirituality/magick like a pole. At one end you have theory, which involves books, knowledge, philosophy and your own thoughts. At the other end you have magick, which involves practice, meditation, ordeals and your own methods. You need both ends to balance equally so you can hold the pole on its side. If you go from one extreme to the other, it will be a struggle to get back to the centre – that’s natural and spiritual gravity, dear.

Naturally, as stated before, magick and theory are easy for me. I do hype theory more to you folks because that is one area which is overlooked by the majority and New Age practitioners. I just assume the phrase, “Without theory, you wouldn’t have knowledge; without knowledge you wouldn’t have magick; without magick you wouldn’t have theory.” Its a phrase I coined when I gave a small talk at a moot years back about why common sense in magickal practices is so paramount. It couldn’t be more useful now. I am learning a lot about Thelema, the theory behind it and I am stripping away at the mindset of Crowley. I am loving every second both intellectually, and physically.

My body reacts to what my spirit is guiding me to. If I try to look up my old notebooks on Celtic magic, my body will immediately start to shut down and become lethargic. My guide is saying I shouldn’t bother, and deep down I know why. It’s as if the chemicals in my brain are fine tuning themselves to listen to what spirit commands, by storing away the old lessons, and only keeping the needed lessons afresh. So, Thelema is constantly keeping me alive. It sounds corny but I feel Thelema in my blood and it feels good. As much as I want to better my mind, and get to the nitty gritty of theory, my practice is letting me down.

Sadly, I am failing utterly at the practice. Partly because Crowley writes in a manner that is sometimes mind-boggling or inconceivable to most, and partly due to how hard I am punishing myself. My confidence has grown a bit more since taking up more of an official relationship with this religion, but my excitement has also pushed me down to the cold, hard ground. I attempted to film myself doing the LBRP yesterday, to the utter dismay of a magician buddy of mine. He isn’t a Thelemite, but he does look to Crowley’s works for other insight. He has been breaking down the LBRP for me over the last few days as I have been screwing up enough already. He has been cool, emailing me tips, advice and other versions, but my childishness and nervousness got the better of me and I fucked up. Thankfully, the Angels seem okay. The Gods of each quarter too, as nothing bad has happened. I am just gutted at myself.

I want to be as good as I was before. This whole feeling of being “new” is bugging me like crazy. I am a witch. A mild occultist of 13+ years. My whole life has been one spiritual creation, in my garden of truth; so why after all this time and experience have I hit this road block? Why am I suddenly unable to apply the Principle of Polarity here, and see both ends well enough to find my balance?

I was asked by another friend why I beat myself up about something he considers fair and small. To be honest, I beat myself up because I am on my own. That is what I am used to. I got myself this far (and my spirit helped, and the Gods, so I’m not technically alone). I don’t have anyone to impress or anything; it’s just determination. I have to believe in myself. It doesn’t matter how many people I meet along the way, I am the only one paying my metaphysical mortgage. I could love someone so much, and help them, and friend them and hate them all at the same time, but their enlightenment will be down to them, and them alone. Thelema has become my lust, but for the first time in my life I feel the need to fight for it to love me. Love, not Lust.

I am glad I know so much about magickal theory, the polarity of essence and practice. I just need to get this new work right.

I guess this ordeal isn’t over any time soon.

Love is the Law, 93, 93/93 x


9 Comments

Thelema Excites Me… Where Do I Begin? [list]

Good morning folks!

Firstly I have pissed of three people because of my lust and positive attitude toward studying Thelema. The one point I want to express here, is the fact that I read a lot more than I practice at the beginning of any field. Once I feel I am well read, and once the Gods begin to point me at other lessons, then, and only then will I start to practice. Those of you who have watched me blossom since my first blog post back in 05 know about that method. I’m not stupid, so relax.

Secondly, this is something I have officially taken up and hope in time will be my religious affiliation. I have read about Thelema for years. I have read up on Crowley for a while too, but until a few months back I did nothing about any of it. I have been devouring ‘The Golden Dawn’ book by Regardie, and loving it.

The one thing that makes my journey a little difficult is the lack of a proper teacher and not much of a starting point. With general witchcraft there is always a starting point. You have to learn the literature, the basic magick and then find the roots of your practice. Basically, you learn where magick comes from, how it can be used, the ethics of magick, the Gods or atheist root, religious groups that use witchcraft like Wicca, Druidry or Santeria. Once you have those in your back pocket, you’ll be able to practice fairly freely. As far as magick goes, you learn the basics such as simple circle castings, prosperity spells leading all the way up to evocations, invocations and Drawing Down the Moon. Thelema is not so open, easy or wide mouthed. Perfect?

When I started learning Wicca, which I eventually outgrew and thus dropped over a painful amount of years, I noted there were large amounts of 101 books shipped every minute. With Wicca, Celtic Magick and such there are tons of starting places that are very similar; that way you know you can’t fail. They are safe magickal practices which I would expect most young people to get to grips with. However, I wasn’t overly excited, I was happy and very positive, but once I let go of Wicca I finally felt free and that got me going.

I’m in lust with Thelema, Hermeticism is my true love and the Golden Dawn are my fantastical fantasy lovers. (I do apologise if that is offensive or crude in any way, I just want to express my point on how magickally and intelligently horny I am). I even tweeted a little appreciation this morning:
“I have never felt as excited, happy, brave or as positive since working on the religious aspect of Hermeticism. #Hermeticism #Thelema ♥”

Okay, one friend who I speak with often, and who also happens to be a solitary practitioner gave me the following list. After I pissed of the folks I thought I could have banter with, and being labelled a… Well, I won’t repeat it but those of you who read those tweets know, I gave myself one more try. For the first time in a long time my happiness was paired with a deep bout of failure. Is it wrong that I am this happy, and this upset at the same time? I have never felt this way, and its quite annoying to say the least. As much as I want to grow, knowing that other people aren’t as happy or open makes me stay in my solitary circle a while longer, which limits my practice.

I was quite upset actually, so much so I haven’t performed any magick or devotions for the past few days. I have heard, on more than one occasion that the occult finds you, and I believe it because it found me. Hence why I am so darn happy with my progress so far, I know this is my path, my journey, my Will and no one can tell me otherwise? Right? Thelema so far is confusing on the front that there aren’t many solitary practitioners, as almost everyone has a teacher. I have had bad experiences with covens and teenage angst filled groups, which drove me to practising magick on my own. To hear that Thelema requires a few friends to discuss and debate with scares me a little. I don’t do well around people, at all. How will I cope with this religion? I am easily daunted and my social skills are shot to hell. Do you see my difficulty? For now, like I mentioned, I just need to get to grips with the sacred texts and work hard.

I’m determined. Shoot me.

Anyway, this small list is from my daemon lover:

🔻You must read the Book of the Law (but you must accept it if you want to be a practising Thelemite in future).

With Book 4, read up on these:
🔻Part 1 – Mysticism and Part 2 – Magick (though you mentioned you have, and made notes? I don’t remember. It was a while?)
🔻Part 3.1 – The Principles of Ritual
🔻Part 3.XVI – Part 1 of the Oath
🔻Liber III vel Jugorum (make notes! Lots of notes! Then STFU!)
🔻Liber E and Liber O
🔻Then, Appendices part IX. I-VI

Go over those lots and lots, and lots. Make notes, practice and grow. You said you have the Golden Dawn book? I suggest reading it from cover to cover, and fold corners on important pages. Also get a hold of Liber 777. Once you have those email/call me and I’ll get you another list.

Use the internet too.

— okay, he is not my lover, he just loves working with daemons, angels and other entities etc. He has been a magician for years, and happens to be one of the happiest people I know.

Hopefully that list is okay though. I have Liber 777 already and various other tables, so studying should be fine. I’m not sure if this is an ideal list, but as I am halfway through it, its been great so far. Just thought I would share!

Love and 93’s, x

20121119-111540.jpg