Sy Calaelen

Mourning My Pagan Past is Making Me Angry

3 Comments


This will be a super weird post, as it’s something I haven’t thought about too thoroughly. However, it does revolve around my personal education as a magician and Thelemite. More than ever, it’s a lifelong lesson I know I must endure, and it’s a very personal one at that. These last few posts have seen me looking at my past as I’m currently analysing what has happened. I guess I’m preparing myself for an in depth chapter of my life, which I feel will be part of the making of my character.

Most people come to a point in life when they’ve made a positive, and drastic change to their lifestyle and their beliefs especially. I am no exception to that prevailing device. When I made the decision to stop being Christian and Jewish I was young and didn’t mind. The transition was fairly easy, looking back. I was a preteen with a big ambition, a big heart and a love for something more than what I was brought up to believe. I knew something bigger was out there, I just didn’t know what. It was around that tender age that my God complex and base philosophical ideals started to show signs of development. G-d was something more.

When. I found witchcraft everything seemed fine. Sure, I had to keep my books and tools a total secret but that’s all part of the journey. Later came Wicca, and I made a nice comfy seat inside the broom closet. I learnt a lot about the general basics of witchcraft, and learnt the observances and religious ideals from Wicca. Again, my deep roots within philosophy and questioning were quite apparent, and soon I found the roadblocks and hypocrisy within a free religion that revealed no freedom, and it didn’t teach me about ascension – don’t get me wrong, it’s a lovely path, but I hated staying in one place and blaming myself for it.

The denial and the pressure to conform to an ideal that wasn’t actually ideal made life difficult. I wanted to be part of something true, as I made a ton of friends, but for me it wasn’t something that sat well within my heart. I put all my intentions into the universe and it replied by sending me down other paths whilst continuing to carry the Wiccan flag. This continued until the occult made herself known, and especially until I found Thelema.

The transition I’ve gone through in the last year has meant I have seen and experienced things I had never thought truly possible. The philosophy of Thelema, Hermeticism and such alike have really shaken my foundation. It’s good to have the odd shake once in a while – it really forces you to stop and just smell the coffee. I found I would ask myself each week what I believed and why. Some of my occult ad pagan buddies found my new found home quite intriguing, and thus I felt I could open up. Some have actually requested titles I have enjoyed, and I have been generous in recommending all kinds of material around Thelema and the occult. A few friends have actually turned to Thelema as it serves as a foolproof philosophy that instills freedom, rigidity and a truly personal connection to the universe. There is a goal to not only achieve, but it also shows a lot of people the truth about who they are. Maybe I’m wrong, but without Thelema I wouldn’t have reached the plateau I have.

I’m unable to fully accept the amount of anger that grew once I began studying harder. The unfulfilled and empty wishes. In fact, I stopped performing spells years back, and stuck with ritualised formulas instead. I’ll probably make space to perform small spells in the future… Maybe not. My transition was mostly positive, but boy I felt like I screwed myself terribly during my “denial days”. To this day I’m still weary of practices from my past, especially as such practices are on the rise. My toughest life lesson is following Liber LXXVII so wholeheartedly. At first glance it looks so easy, and once explained makes a whole lot of sense, but the more I look at it the more my past rears it’s ugly head.

Is that normal? To feel disdain toward the unfulfilling elements of my past? I’m shocked by how angry I am toward it all. I assume it’s some kind of purge? I have this annoying trait which means I want to help everyone ā€“ I know I can’t. But the idea of just letting someone fall without even attempting to help them bothers me. I’m a big softie! People are free to do as they please, especially if they are happy as they are. I have no right to show them any other way. It’s how their life is supposed to run. Sometimes that’s a great reminder to just stay out, but sometimes it’s a painful thing to watch.

It’s a lifelong lesson all right. I guess what I’m trying to point out also, is the fact that you must stay rigid even when you feel utterly sour and useless. Sometimes you have to “lay back and just let people walk all over you as it’s their Will,” as one friend wrote me recently (thank you). When do you stand up for yourself, without shoving your beliefs down their neck? It’s all rather complex and simple all at the same time.

That’s all I can think if right now, but I am thinking about how to approach the very sensitive issue of Wicca from a Thelemic point of view without offending all Wiccans’ or pagans. Maybe that’s another ponder post for the future.

I haven’t been making a great deal of sense with my musings or theories. I just hope I figure it all out soon!

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Author: Sy Calaelen

Sy Calaelen is a British writer, blogger and Youtube vlogger, though she isn't filming at the moment. English literature graduate and future social work graduate. Both sites will focus on literary reviews, book lists, comic books and nerd chat, writing and novel tips, and discussions in magick, paganism and the occult. A mixture of everything from her. Reach out on social media from Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube, Instagram, GoodReads, and Pinterest.

3 thoughts on “Mourning My Pagan Past is Making Me Angry

  1. Feels are definitely normal. Yet, the thoughts we indulge in can become habits in thinking, so consider what kinds of thinking habits you wish to cultivate in order to accomplish your will, whether the feelings may need an outlet, and such. “For if a chance thought can produce much effect, what cannot fixed thought do?” IMO, YMMV, 93 etc šŸ˜€

  2. I would really enjoy hearing your views on Wicca after all this experience you’ve gained. I’m past the beginning stages of learning Wicca, and I would love to hear honest discussion about it all, the good and the bad, I’m tired of all the fluff. Most are so afraid of stepping on people’s toes, but I’ve read your writings for quite a while and know you can share honest intellectual insight.

  3. Hi Sy. I identify as both Thelemic and Wiccan. You can definitely work the Crowley material as a Wiccan or general Pagan trad.

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