My Pagan Past | To What End?


The post I wrote titled ‘Mourning My Pagan Past is Making Me Angry’ was tough for me to write. At the same time it brought back feelings of anger toward my personal experiences as a lone student behind a glass wall. Sadly, a lot of people who had read it felt I had offended them because my experiences were valid to me and not them. Somehow they felt I was being incredibly horrid because I have chosen a well-deserved path for myself. Let me make myself a little clearer, it’s MY path, and I need to do what is true for ME; I am not trying to convert anyone, just sharing my experiences and promulgating the Law.

I have written this post over and over, trying to figure out how to put my discoveries across. Obviously there are an awful lot of sensitive people out there, and they don’t stop and think about what it is they could be saying to me. Yes, I learnt witchcraft, and in some ways I still see myself using witchcraft in the future, and yes I finally graduated from the field of Wicca and I’m much happier. That is something people cannot seem to understand. Folks genuinely believe there is no existence beyond Wicca, nor do they feel that anything outside Wicca is right. The sad thing is, a lot of Neo-pagans today left Christianity for that same judgemental attitude. I also try to be one of the few occult practitioners who is trying to put the importance of words on the map, for example, witchcraft is a craft, and Wicca is a religion. Witchcraft is used by any religion or non-religious person(s).

If you found a better cooking method, based on methods from a bygone era, wouldn’t you follow those methods? Like keeping the tradition of cooking with your grandmothers recipe, rather than following a popular trend based on cooking from a box?

Folks have moaned in the past that Thelema is a new concept, sure. Aleister Crowley merely made it accessible for magick students. If you research Thelema itself, the philosophy goes as far back as ‘Gargantuan’ by Rabelais – at least from what I have read. It’s probably a whole lot older. The thing that I love most about my path is that I’m learning new things, having more physical experiences and I’m able to put all the amazing lessons I’ve learnt from witchcraft and the occult to good use.

I don’t feel like a stranger or someone who is odd. I still follow ancient Egyptian ideals with a Qabalah flow, whereas when I was practising Egyptian Wicca I had to make sure I turned Egyptian symbols into Wiccan ones. I would celebrate Wiccan holidays every year, with Wiccan symbols, but remember to make the Egyptian symbols comply. I didn’t feel comfortable. Why only two deities when all are a part of your very being? Why frown on things outside the circle when I hadn’t explored them? I was always a curious child, and I’ve always listened to my gut.

Why hadn’t there been more emphasis on modern ideals set on old symbols outside of western new age practices? It was a learning curve, and I was happy to do all the research and conversions for my own practices, which eventually lead me to just doing my own thing. When I would research particular symbols, the idea of the Universe, ascension and a solid philosophy with goal, I couldn’t find very much. Like most religions Wicca was based on much older practices, but unlike most, Wicca was diluted. The idea of casting a circle wasn’t a Wiccan concept, but when I researched various ways it could be done, I found them to be more in-depth, and they held symbols that I could never find within the confines of Wicca or Neo-Wicca. I didn’t mind. It annoyed me that I preached so highly about this path, yet in the long run it wouldn’t serve anything for my soul. I did my daily devotions – to what end? Discipline? I already had that. I wasn’t sure. I just didn’t fit the mould.

I recently tried to Wiccan-ise Thelemic holidays and failed. I just felt I wasn’t meant to. I have recently decided on not doing that anymore. A few people have stepped forward and given me their ideas and tips of how to combine Wicca with Thelema, but I prefer not to. If Wicca is based on Thelema, minus the other colours (other cultures and their practices) and sexuality freedoms (orientation and freedom), then I personally don’t feel the need to mix the two. I will happily practice witchcraft and the occult, but to my own ends, with a goal to work toward.

I experience and understand things unique to me, and others like me. I’m quite happy on my path. Lonely, but quite happy. If the universe wants me to grieve the process of moving onto the next chapter, then I will. It’s a process I have come to realise as life. I feel safe going into something considered the unknown, because it’s known to me and that’s all that counts. If I were to teach my child magick, I would teach them witchcraft and allow them to find the religious or spiritual path they choose to combine with it themselves.

I choose to live my life this way, and if it upsets you or you think terribly about me then that’s your prerogative. I’m working toward my True Will, and it’s a one seated vehicle. These feelings will not cease.


In LVX 93, 93/93

Author: Sy Andrews

Sy Andrews aka Sylvia Beckett Davidson, is a British writer, blogger, esoteric darling and Youtube vlogger. English literature graduate. Both sites will focus on literary reviews, book lists, comic books and nerd chat, writing and novel tips, and discussions in magick, paganism and the occult. A mixture of everything from her. Reach out on social media from Twitter (@SyBAndrews), Tumblr, YouTube, Instagram, Goodreads (Sylvia Beckett Davidson), and Pinterest.

14 thoughts on “My Pagan Past | To What End?

  1. You mention how others react and how you feel alone. And I just felt I should share this with you.

  2. The more I read this post, the more you commented on how other people reacted, the more you hinted at the loneliness of it… the more I felt I should share this.

  3. Very well said. I’ve received moaning from Kemetic fundies, that think me being a Witch, should not try to include Witchcraft things into an Egyptian Pantheon. I’m relativity new to the Egyptian side of things, but I’m really loving learning about it, and playing around with different elements incorporating what I feel is right and not what someone else is trying to tell me to do, we are all climbing the same spiritual mountain, just wish some would not try block our ways or push us off.

  4. This is so true. I may not be a Thelemite but I too became enlightened beyond the Wiccan ways. People look for Wicca and get a false sense of freedom from it when they are in fact very trapped. These people that stay in that closed circuit loop are unable to see past their own nose. The people who break free of said loop are able to find their own truth as opposed to following the masses. They don’t want to know what’s beyond that. I have had experiences with some Wiccans on the internet as of late and they tend to be very stuck in their own ways. As I have probably mentioned before this woman on facebook not long after I moved to Bournemouth trashed me because I had an appreciation for Crowleys’ contribution to the occult. She then continued by trashing the (BPS) Bournemouth Pagan Society to shreads saying that we were all fake and not real witches because not all of us adhered to the strict Wiccan structure. A lot of people n the group, myself included really couldn’t care less about the Sabbats. At the end of the day, anyone worth their salt has a life to live, you need time to study if a student, time to work if you have a job, some have children to look after, birthdays to go to or family members who are sick etc. Point being life’s too busy to set aside 8 specific days a year no questions asked; purely for spirituality. This woman who was picking at everyone was near retirement and obviously had way too much free time on her hands… she had the cheek to expect everyone to to drop everything and join her because so made up religion tells her to do so; I mean please. They don’t seem to realize how pop-culture wiccan is now and everyone wants a slice of popularity within the path as opposed to finding their own way in life. The people who stay in the closed circuit preach love and light, claiming to be open minded when they’re really not. You create your own path and your own rules. True devotion is in your every day life, you know who you are and what you stand for. No script is needed to affirm what you know in your heart to be right for you x

    • The point I’m trying to make is that you should never feel sorry for being who you are. I spent a long time trying to please others and it got me no-where. The people who get offended and start attacking are too small minded to understand and they’re best off out of your life x

  5. Namaste,

    Everyone’s path is personal. There is no one size fits all in my opinion. My path is a blend of Kemeticism, Sanatana Dharma and Yoruba. I’ve always done my own thing. Keep doing what you feel is right for you.

    Em Hotep!

  6. Just keep being amazing Sy! Your persistence in finding your true path sets an example to those of us also trying to find our way in this world of the occult. I’ve become really irritated with neo-paganism in general because of it’s lack of substance in both theory and practice.

  7. Just so you know: I recently started my Thelema path (oh my, there is so much to learn and I would love to spend to whole day reading and practicing) and you are an inspiration through your videos and blogs. This is all new to me and you seem so… normal and down to earth and even though I’ve nobody around who’s interested in this stuff, it doesn’t feel too lonely, because I’ve videos to watch and blogs to read. So thanks!

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