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Young, Female, Thelemite | Babalon and Me, Part 1

There are so many areas of politics that do not allow the female body to be seen, let alone worshipped, or her spirit honoured without some sort of advisory warning (#FreeTheNipple anyone?). So imagine an even smaller world within pagan and occult circles where such matters are seen equally, so long as it adheres to the guidelines set by modern beauty politics; light objectification of the female body (only ever between skinny and fat, never the inbetweens or “skinny-fat” like myself), European beauty standards on all levels of looks and personality (Isis is favoured because she is a mother, but make sure to cut out any major traits that simulate her with Egypt and Africa, and stick with lightening her skin tone, and definitely no Sekhmet because she’s wild and clearly “black”). But like most modern spiritual paths and religions, honouring the female, and obviously honouring myself, is slowly becoming accepted and expected. People are slowly coming to understand the true notion of duality, in nature, ourselves and in spiritual beings (deities, elements, nature etc). With the way people are being influenced daily it will be a while before a large number of us actually put duality into practice. So Babalon then? Where does she fit into my life? And how open can I be about my love for her? Let me think.

Babalon is Our Lady. She is a spirit, a force, an energy etc. something limitless and outside of time. Think of her as the female version of “God”. His equal, his counterpart, himself as a woman, the calm at the base of a fire, and the fuel at the same time. She is everything. She is in everything. She is half of one. In my head she represents the inner animalism and desire of the psyche. Think of the Thoth tarot, Atu XI Lust, that is her. She rides on the back of the seven-headed beast from Revelations (you can totally be a Christian Thelemite, trust me it’s a lot easier than you think), holding her Cup (there are many connotations of what the cup symbolises, but we shall stick with the womb and creation). She is the culmination of all human behaviour, good and bad, and she is freedom personified. See why she’s so highly celebrated amongst Thelemites?

If you remind yourself of Liber AL vel Legis, with the popular verse “there is no god but man,” one could easily assimilate the notion that if God is around, inside and outside of us, then so are other beings like Babalon. Babalon is, to me anyway, the personification of our psyches’ regardless of gender. She captures the Zeitgeist of ritual, and that warm and electric feeling when you’re on your own honouring yourself. She is that sacred place centred on the body, the yoni, that fire that draws on the linga.

My early awakening around who god was, and how it was to be perceived often centred around the pagan notion of the goddess —hence why the gods were ever present, my brain was clearly trying to teach me a model to apply equally later on. For years I could never connect myself with the goddess properly (according to the popular guidelines of separating humans from gods), but I had always been lucky in honouring her in my own private way. To me understanding the goddess meant understanding that I was also a goddess, a concept at the time that seemed kind of comforting and yet so otherworldly. I did not like the idea of separating genders nor separating the gods from who I was. Whilst most pagans would dance around a flowery circle screaming and singing the name of various goddesses, I was practising kundalini yoga by myself, I was teaching myself how to be more of a woman, and I was also enjoying loving myself. I wasn’t part of the group and I knew deep down that for the rest of my life I was never going to be. I learned to love myself by understanding the goddess and god.

But to add another theory, whilst women have a cup (with which we must fill or exercise often), men also have half of that mentally. How can you honour the god by ignoring that side of yourself? Same as how can you honour the goddess if you ignore that side too? Remember, Nuit cannot function without Hadit, and vice versa. (Just a theory guys, at this stage in my two year Thelemic career I am bound to fuck up!) Maybe then, that’s the reason why I’m such a weird kind of woman, on a quest to find love. I know it sounds strange or super juvenile but I want a linga to join my yoni someday, but for now Babalon is reminding me that I already have that push and that confidence I need to open up and love myself, by myself or with a partner. Bearing in mind Babalon is not all about sex or sexual activity, but more about the desires and the knowledge, and the freedoms that you wish to know, from the inside.

Imagine my surprise, after falling in love with Thelema when all of my “unconventional/clearly-not-part-of-the-circle-gang” practices were celebrated and allowed regardless of ethnicity and gender. Sure there’s Crowley and his annoying habit of being once being human (he’s a dead human now folks) with his likes and dislikes, his contradictory racism, and his secret love of painting black prostitutes when frequenting America (as far as I know only one painting remains out of the collection that he did), but there is more to Thelema than just the man who reminded us of this path. (Background information: Crowley didn’t quite invent Thelema, as it’s always been there for centuries, but he was responsible for ironing out the kinks and tying up loose ends). It’s such a lovely notion to think that even though I am “out-of-the-loop” within Thelemic circles, that some of my friends do remind me that I have Babalon inside too (you know who are, and I love you for that too). I have fallen for something that I see myself in, even if it’s under the surface.

Thelema has solidified my personal growth, whether it be through Liber AL vel Legis, Liber Oz or honouring Hadit and Nuit, or the other many things out there. Speaking with all kinds of women from the Thelemic world I have found two modes of thought: 1) Your gender doesn’t matter so much, Her inspiration lives within everyone and she reminds us of that drive to keep pursuing our dreams and desires, and 2) Even though you don’t fit current ideals, Balalon is there to be worshipped in all Her forms, regardless of her popular images. Honour her by honouring yourself. I know I definitely don’t fit Old Æon beauty ideals, let alone political ones, but within the Current flow I know I am Babalon, she is me, we are god, and so are you.

In nomine Babalon. As above, so below.



Babalon – MisterChuck tagged me in this photo I was so pleased. I don’t feel left out within Thelema – not too much anyway.


Take It All To Heart | Yoga and Chakra Regimen

The heart chakra is the centre point in the body as it holds up the three lower chakras that deal with grounding and materialistic themes, and at the same time the heart connects the lower three chakras with the upper three chakras, which deal with more spiritual themes. The heart chakra is a very important chakra, especially as it deals with more than hurt, heartbreak or desire. It needs balancing regularly, but with a little more attention. I find I bring mudras into the heart point – for example, when sitting in lotus with your hands in prayer position, you channel the energies of Kundalini from the base chakra up to the heart, through the nadis (channels) – which in turn send them up into the mind space, and back down again. The heart chakras build-up of seven chakra points. All with their own abilities. If you ever wonder why someone is driven mad by vengeance or revenge, it is because their 4th heart chakra – which deals with loneliness and angry feelings – is blocked. Or whenever you feel full of love and passion, you are balanced perfectly, or there is too much energy flowing through, which can unbalance the other 6 mini chakras of the heart.

Many yogis’ will instruct you to focus on asanas’ that open the heart area – one of my favourites that one of my yogi’s spent a long time teaching me was the eagle pose (awful pictures are due soon!). Another of my favourite poses are the thunderbolt asana (in any variation, including Crowley’s preferred variation) and the camel pose (even though I tend to equate this with swadhisthana and muladhara meditations). But, for the sake of meditation and grounding I have come across a few positions that have done the trick in the last few weeks are meant to be used either during, or after mantra meditation. I’m still testing them out myself because homesickness is currently living with me, and I have a ton of essays to turn in. Be aware, these are exercises given to me by one of my yogi’s, and other’s I have learnt from studying Maya Fiennes (yes, Voldemort’s sister-in-law).


Sitting Meditation

Advanced: Lotus;

Intermediate: Half lotus;

Beginner: Easy pose

Start in prayer position, with hands by your heart and begin a short pranayama exercise to prepare the body. One exercise I like is the simple breathing ferociously through your mouth, when in an “O” shape. This gets your heart rate up ever so slightly. Do this for 2+ minutes until you feel a little energised.  Raise your hands to the side or in front of you, or place the back of your hands on your knees. With the mantra “Sa-Ta-Na-Maa” make sure to touch each finger with your thumb one at a time. Say each syllable with each finger. Index fingers, “Sa”; middle fingers, “Ta”; ring fingers, “Na”; little fingers, “Ma”. Say it over and over until 10 minutes has gone, but as an expected rule for serious practitioners you must say each mantra 108 times if you have mala beads [note from my yogi].


Backbend asanas

I find following through with a normal yoga sequence, with the addition of either or all of the following asanas helps to strengthen the breath and concentration. Try to come to a meditative position with the following and recite mantra, or visualise symbols with similar connotations to the heart chakra or either of the lower or upper chakras:

Camel pose

Fish pose

Bridge pose

Thunderbolt pose (below)

These all open your chest area which helps force oxygen around the dark crevices. I have found that visualising the ankh at the centre of the heart chakras has meant I am focusing on becoming emotionally balanced whilst being more spiritually sound (as if preparing myself for much more valuable lessons from my HGA in the future – read the previous post).



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Love is Innate; Physically or Not

At least to me. Bare with me, this post will be weird, but I hope I get my overall positive message across. If you assume I’m moaning and groaning then I hope you leave this page; I only ask for a rational look and some guidance, and maybe a little sympathy—a trait I have not seen in even the closest of friends.

Okay, let’s start.

Quite recently I came to the conclusion that love with another is unbalanced and quite unfair for those of us who have never truly seen its face. It’s an area I have often battled with, questioning why we are left out, or if we would ever truly feel what even fleeting love is like. Many people have complained or told me off saying I’m being silly or over thinking too much. Fair enough, I take those little pieces of advice, but can you see why I find it hard to find a sort of equilibrium? Almost everyone who I have crossed, who have shared their words of wisdom are in relationships or have been. They aren’t 24 year old loners who only have themselves to question.

I’m empathic, and sometimes I love it because I can help people or even use it for spiritual meditations, other times I hate it because other Magickal folks I know have no experience with it or witchcraft. Whilst I can be next to someone and read them, it can get me into trouble sometimes! Haha! The one thing that I would regard as a gift only a few posses, like love, is sympathy. I find it easy to read others, and decide whether I will walk in their shoes to understand them. Once you start learning, you move up from one plateau to the next and forget how to come back down once in a while. People often forget what’s its like to be alone and loveless. To be frustrated and afraid. To have a broken heart and feel neglected at times. Only a few people have been kind enough to keep me positive, but I have met others who haven’t dealt with their own issues of abandonment, but see fit to judge me. Every man and every woman is a star. We are all stars in the sky—all part of the same eternal blanket. We all have to experience things the way we are supposed to, and love is a subject I look at under a new light.

This is where I get a little spiritual and mostly positive (and maybe delusional?). I have spoken briefly about a Goddess ritual I did a while back, in which I asked the Universe to open up the Goddess within me in order to see myself in a more real and positive light. I have loved looking at myself in the mirror since, and I feel even more relaxed about my person. I am who I am, and I’m glad I’m on this journey with myself. If I need to do things for myself, I do without worrying. I guess all in all, since I performed that ritual I have felt incredible. I don’t see my innate deity, or “inner goddess/god” as an actual being, it’s more of a spark that ignites itself every now and then, reassuring me my path is exactly how it needs to be. The more I open up my mind to who I am, what I want to be and how I am to feel without regret, the more I love myself.

Descartes often argued his notion of knowledge [of God] being innate on his meditations, one example would be his ‘Trademark argument”, in which he states that God is a tradesman or carpenter who leaves his trademark on his creations. Buddha often referred to his students that the only way to be enlightened or spiritual is to look inside yourself and find your own Buddha. New Age women say one needs to do the same and find your inner God/Goddess, and that’s what I am doing. I have come close to meeting that innate being who is currently teaching me a valuable lesson. Crowley referred to this being as the HGA, now I’m not 100% on this being as I thought previously so bare with me, but the more and more I dive deeper within, the more I love and the more I learn. In a way I have found my first true love, and that’s me. I need to let go of the materialistic ideal that some guy will come along and sweep me off my feet. I don’t see Sebastian Vettel or Aurelian Rougerie running down my street anytime soon…

I’ve been in a relationship with my spiritual self since the tender age of 11 and I hadn’t realised. The great thing is, regardless of how depressed and worrisome I had been, and how I will be every so often in the future, this innate being with its lifeline to the Ultimate Ancestor/God/Universe, loves me no matter what. That’s a great feeling. I have a reason to smile and a reason to be goofy and weird. I’m loved and that is perfect. Not everyone finds love in the way books teach, or the way all your friends or the strangers around you show. Love isn’t conventional, or at least that is how I see it. Nuns find love in God or Buddha. I find love in the little part of the Universe, in me.

I have a checklist of goals I want to accomplish in life. One is academia. I’m going to keep my head down and focus, be a better witch and Thelemite and most importantly be happy with myself (even with the odd ego inflation).

I’m loving this track right now, James Blake’s new single Retrograde



Alternative Witch | Liber Oz Love

42. …So with thy all; thou hast no right but to do thy will.
43. Do that, and no other shall say nay.
44. For pure will, unassuaged of purpose, delivered from the lust of result, is every way perfect.

Liber AL 1:42-44

I’m growing up! Or at least my memory is finally kicking into gear with my Thelema studies. Yay me! If there are any particular areas I expect people to keep an eye on when studying, its Liber Oz and Liber AL vel Legis. I don’t think you have to be a Thelemite as such to study and accept them. Most people who practice a form of Western esotericism and understand many of the philosophies, ideologies and practices are probably Thelemites and don’t even know it! That will be another video or post!

Liber Oz is a declaration; a solidified form of belief in oneself and a set of maxims from The Book of the Law. Live by these simple statements and see your world view change. Or at least, my world view has changed. I have recently been reading Liber Oz again, and making similar comparisons with the Blue Equinox. Not only have I started to look at magick and my life, from the point of view of the sun, but I know I must do something with myself to elevate from Malkuth up to God head. I feel like I have a purpose to fulfil; I’m not sure what just yet, but I’m going in the right direction. Everything just falls into place, the way things are supposed to. I guess, I knew things would work out, but my anxieties kept holding me back. My ego held me back also, and now I know I’m on the right track I need only to stand tall and keep my back bone rigid.

I had the intention to talk about how bad experiences within the pagan community have lead me to be the strong individual I am now, but I thought I would take a noble route instead. Have you ever sat and evaluated your life, looking for answers as to why certain folks treat you badly, knowing you haven’t done anything wrong? When you look at your life and see all the wonderful, and the bad things that have happened you suddenly realise your intelligence intimidates people. Ultimately, its their problem with you. I must say, giggling as I do, I am actually taking pride knowing I have ambition and I am actually doing something about it. Finally!

Unfortunately one area I can’t change is my skin colour. For the first time in a long time I have come across a pagan path that does not allow racism. According to Liber Oz, every man should have an opinion, and feel free to express it, but if you read between the lines it clearly states that you shouldn’t be a douche: “Every man and every woman is a star.” Regardless of colour, creed or root. (Somehow those are pretty much the same words…). On more than one occasion I have received numerous emails and comments on my videos about the fact that I shouldn’t be practising magick (Celtic, Wicca and Norse) because I’m not white enough. At the same time, when looking at me no one would ever know of my multicultural DNA, which unfortunately warrants hate mail from Africans and African Americans for not being African enough. To be honest, I am alive and well so I don’t care. I wasn’t born in the USA or Africa; I was born in the Caribbean and grew up in lower middle class Britain. The funny thing is, no matter how many times people have told me to stop following their paths, I try to listen, but the Gods have other ideas. Let me tell you one short story.

A number of years ago, when I was getting into Wicca and Celtic and Norse mythology, I did a cheeky spell asking any God to come to me and guide me (I have since updated that contact ritual for different deities, spirits and such). I started working with quite a few male deities over the following months. Cernunnos and Pan stayed with me, alongside two others. These two others were Odin and Thor; and to this day I have never told anyone of our antics and lessons. I learnt so much from them all, and thanked them often. I can remember back to when I used to daydream over images of Thor when I was a tiny child at school, so he’s always been part of my active life for as long as forever. It wasn’t until I joined a few pagan networking sites and opened up about my love for the Northern traditions that I was faced with an awful lot of racism and hostility. I quickly learnt to ignore my dreams and hid my runes so I would never open up any more hurt for myself. Something deep down kept urging to me keep the Futhark close, and keep Thor and Odin alive in a secret and small way, otherwise I would experience bad luck. Lo and behold, I ended up having a rough time until began to listen again. Every time I listened to the Gods, and put my trust in them I felt good. I learnt to put trust in myself and stand up for myself. I made the decision early on that I only had myself to rely on, and as much as I love seeing and hearing other peoples views, I have mine and I shouldn’t be afraid to share them. I shall do what I wilt, as long as I uphold the ethical and moral laws that govern the Universe.

As long as I stick to the plan, the message I received from the Gods I’ll be fine. As long as I am taught lessons, blessed and kicked into gear, I won’t let other peoples negativity get to me. To me, Liber Oz is more than a declaration, its the mapping for my True Will (or at least one element of it so far). As long as I stay within the remit of my own philosophies, it won’t matter what colour I am, what ethnicity, nationality, pagan path or gender I am; I am who I am, and according to the Gods, that’s perfect enough.

(Plus, I think its a great page to show teenagers who are dealing with depression, anxiety and peer pressure; but that’s my opinion).

Sy, 93, 93/93, x


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Spiritual Interview | WayfaringJo

Youtube link: http://www.youtube.com/user/WayfaringJo?feature=watch

What gave you the idea for your username?

I’ve called myself Wayfarin’ Jo because this life is a pilgrimage, we’re on a journey. I don’t know where we’re going, but that’s not as important as HOW we get there… For example, peace is not just an end, it is both the means and the end. The same with love, it is both the means and the end… Anyhow. I’m a student and a seeker, always have been, always will be. (What a long-winded way to say; “I’m nosey!” lol!)

Have you always been magickal?

Yes. Have I always been magickal? Define magic? I’ve always been in touch with the Divine, from my earliest days. I’ve always believed that everything that breathes is animated, sentient, has a soul and power – I’ve always been pantheistic —> the one tradition that runs through every religion, interestingly enough. Not sure where I got those ideas, when neither of my parents believe them, when no one in my family believes them. But I remember having them from the time I was 5 or 6 on.

What got you started, and why?

I was born to an Anglican priest and a Roman Catholic mom. My first favorite tv series was “Kung Fu”. And we always spent our vacations on the Cherokee Indian Rez… My earliest years were formed with a healthy respect for all religions, races, cultures. So, I’ve never been afraid to ask questions, of anybody. In fact, I’ve been driven to ask questions of everybody! Truth is truth, and wisdom is wisdom, wherever you find it. And when you find it, when you practice and it works, it’s always a healing joy for you and everybody else.

If your path didn’t exist, what would you follow?

My path, at this point, is Zen, informed by both the Episcopal tradition and my ancestors’ Asatru practice. The Buddha has taught us, our prime directive is to relieve suffering. Unfortunately, there are no Buddhists in Cincinnati who are practicing social justice. They are meditating and collecting money. So, when I looked around Cincinnati, I found that the Episcopal Church is practicing social justice, saving homeless shelters from being torn down, feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, etc. So I joined my practice with theirs. Lucky me, they have a Zen mass, so I feel more at home!… My path is flexible, it depends much more on action than on words. Doctrinarism does not unify, it divides – it does not heal, it rips apart. love and healing are the same in every language, smile and someone will smile back, tear your loaf of bread in half and hand it over the hungry person understands you care… Magick is about transformation, turning water (ordinary) into wine (extraordinary), or as the Buddhists say; Kwan Yin transforms the Hells into Paradise. Nothing is more transformative than a healing act… So it doesn’t matter if Zen exists, it doesn’t matter if Episcopal or Asatru or any religious path exists – transformative love and healing exists everywhere and in every language.

What is my secret to staying spiritual? – I’ve always been obsessed with spirituality, ever since my earliest years, even as a toddler. I don’t know why? Everyone in my family has been, I suspect some of it is nature and some of it is nurture… It doesn’t help my obsession either, that I’ve always been haunted. Everywhere I go, I experience ghosts or spirits. For the longest time, I thought religion would be able to tell me something about these experiences, tell me something about these spirits – but I’ve never found any answers that really satisfy. Not in any religion, not in regard to the topic of hauntings’ anyway… But I have found this satisfying and it is what propels my journeying these days; if religion doesn’t help me get out of bed in the morning, if it doesn’t help me cope when my neighbour gets on my last nerve, if it doesn’t move my hands to create a better world than the one I entered then it’s worthless and I won’t waste my time. Real religion isn’t so much about “other worlds” as it is about transforming this one.

And do you think labels such as ‘fluffy bunny’ or ‘flaming pagan’ are okay or harsh?… You’re going to get two answers for this one question. My first answer is this; It’s harsh. My baptismal vows, which are renewed every year, call me to “respect the dignity of every human being.” I would be forbidden to call someone a ‘fluffy bunny’, ‘flaming pagan’, ‘Jesus-Freak’, ‘Rag-head’, ‘Greedy Jew’, etc… My second answer, however, is that we learn a lot from these words. We learn a lot more from our enemies sometimes than we do our friends, because their criticisms are often a lot more honest, even if sharp and cutting. We do well to listen to all voices, to learn from them all. Sometimes, our best practice is take a derogatory title that is flung at us and make it a “reclaimed” word. For example, a lot of pagans today prefer to take the name “Witch” and wear it proudly. They’ve taken the name back, reclaimed it and turned it from something shameful into something honourable. Laurie Cabot’s website calls her the “Official Witch of Salem”, and Laurie for her part, dresses the part of a Witch every where she goes – regardless of the ridicule and the praise, she remains the same. I love that about her. It’s a very Zen quality, she takes the ridicule and the praise with equanimity, neither changes her. She is what she is and she retains her dignity either way. :o)

I’ll put you in a scenario. If someone sent you negative energy or went out their way to upset/hurt you, what would you do, and why? 

I’ve been in this situation many times, in different ways…My first reaction has always been the same. To call on my ancestors and the Divine to surround me, encircle me for protection. Then, to call on my community. And take whatever measures necessary for self-defence. At times, I have been ready to kill in self-defence or in defence of an innocent. I have never taken offensive measures, always defensive measures; mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually… But I want to tell one specific story.

Talk about negative energy, and someone going out of their way to upset & hurt me? I was a college intern, working at Church of Our Saviour for Rev. Paula Jackson. One day, our church received a threat that went like this; “I’m a Promise Keeper (fundamentalist Christian), and I promise you this; if you don’t throw the gay trash out to the curb, I’m going to firebomb your church.”… Our doors were (and are still) open to everyone; gay, straight, rich, poor, educated, under-educated, cross-dressing or transsexual, black, white, Hispanic, etc. And all of these people show up! Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. wrote; “the most segregated hour in the USA is the church hour”. Half a century later, it’s still true, but NOT at Church of Our Saviour… This threat was a horrific trauma for me. It opened my eyes to the world of Christian Terrorism and it to all of the violence and blood within the Christian realms of Bible and Ritual. I got to where I couldn’t read the Bible, I couldn’t hear the Mass without gagging. And I sat in the pew in complete apprehension, in fear, waiting for the KA-BOOOM!, waiting for the breaking glass and screams of all the people I loved. Eventually, I had to leave, in fear, in resentment, in disgust… In the meanwhile, here’s Rev. Paula Jackson, a straight woman, a woman with a husband and 3 kids to love and protect, continuing to enter that church every day, faithfully, regardless. And it didn’t matter that the threat was credible, that local Jewish synagogues had been vandalised or that our local Islamic mosque was indeed bombed. Paula wasn’t going to be intimidated, she wasn’t going to let some prejudiced jerk stand alone to define Christianity in his way to the exclusion of others, she opened the doors of her Church to EVERYONE, day in and day out regardless. She’s my hero for that, my living Saint. After years of wandering through my ancestor’s Asatru and through Zen, I came back to Church of Our Saviour and to my Saint. As I’ve said before, I came back because religion is supposed to heal and transform the world, not just people, but all of ecology. And when I looked around Cincinnati, it was Church of Our Saviour that is doing that. If I were in Wisconsin, I’d probably be with Selena Fox’s pagan community, because Selena’s community is healing and transforming Wisconsin. If I were in California, I’d be with Thich Nhat Hanh’s Zen community, because his community is working social justice. To heal the world, to transform the world, we go to where the Saints are; like Selena Fox, Thich Nhat Hanh, Rev. Paula Jackson. Where they are is where thunder is happening, where the earth is shaking, where some people are rejoicing because change is happening and others are hailing down death threats because change is happening. (I’d be willing to bet Selena got death threats for going to the Supreme Court to have the Pentacle issued for USA military grave stones.) The question is; do we believe in that transformation enough, do we believe in that healing enough to risk our very lives?… I do. It took me YEARS to get to that point. But I do. I pass the test. Because to this day, my church receives threats, my Priest receives threats, I do too. And twice a week, I walk into that church with my Priest. And on occasion, we do protests together. like this one to save a homeless shelter from a corporation that wants to tear it down so they can “develop” the land;

Along with the link to the article which you can see, I’ve sent an attachment, a photo of my beloved Priest at the same protest.

Mtr. Paula @ Western Southern Protest

Link: http://www.wvxu.org/news/wvxunews_article.asp?ID=9924&fb_source=message


Not Racing To The Bedroom?

[updated 8/Apr/2012]

The benefits of celibacy, being strict or not, just saying no and just not connecting with the nether regions of other people can be very rewarding. Firstly, you become more aware of your being; who you are, what you like physically and emotionally, plus you can set up your boundaries. Secondly, you become more aware of other people, their attitudes and their likes and dislikes. Lastly, you learn that there are other things in life to worry about, some of the things you learnt pre-virginity like conversation and debate. These days, it seems that sex is the glue that holds people together, and personally, it shouldn’t be as sex in a well established relationship is the bonus point machine.

Like I mentioned in my previous post, this year I may flip my teachings’ on their head and explore sex in a more intellectual manner by reading, researching and taking notes on the attitudes of sex. Who knows what I’ll find? For now, for those of you who are unaware of the privileges on not part-taking in sex, let me share with you some experiences. Take into consideration that the vast majority of people I’ve met, including men, don’t react well when I tell them about my morals and feelings of sex. People look at me like some sort of sour lemon lady, and it baffles them even more when they realise I’m 23. (Apparently I come from another planet, as one guy told me).

I noticed after I decided I wasn’t going to be any guys’ friend, who my real friends were and who were not. Sounds simple, being able to differentiate but it wasn’t. I was naïve and I still am today. I was lonely, but I knew I had to be my own friend and just get on with life, and this was when I stopped sex. At first it didn’t bother me, then time crept on and saying no felt like an empty gun. The word no didn’t seem to have much force behind it so I needed to look at my reasons. Once I had worked them out, being spiritual and personal, I would often sit and contemplate the ideal scenario.

I went on a lunch date with a guy I met, and he was beautiful. The difference between him and I was the lead up to our first meeting and the 4 following meetings. I read books, kept up to date with fashion, the news and culture. I explored more areas of my spiritual path, paid bills, worked and talked with online friends about life. He, on the other hand had sex with 7 other women, received unsatisfactory oral sex from an unknown woman he met, paid off his new car and was deciding on a holiday with his mates. As far as I am concerned, he lived quite a full life but when we heard each other’s hobbies we both switched off and thought them boring. (Let me just ask, why is fashion boring? It’s not! Its art and the only method in keeping my legs warm, grr). When I told him I wouldn’t have sex until I was settled he laughed, poked my arm (O_o) and then noticed I was being serious. The look on his face summed his feelings up. He said something like the following, “oh. Are you serious? Well, that’s good, yeah… *cough* erm, I gotta go out for a second… Erm,” then he left to make a ‘phone call’.

I remember going to Brighton, as I did a lot in the 1st and 2nd year of celibacy to meet friends who studied at the university and they couldn’t believe I was abstaining. Their ideology was one of concern. One girl, who I shall call Holly*, and I had been one of those friends where we met on the internet and loved to email each other about everything. Holly and I went walking in the early evening around the North Laines just to get some air when she stopped me, mid flow of a conversation to ask why I had given up on love. I explained that I hadn’t, but I just saw sex as a sacred tool and I didn’t want to throw it around for the sake of fitting in or for an hour’s worth of non-emotional pleasure. She was even more concerned and I didn’t realise why until she explained that for someone like me, who has had nothing but bad luck with men, keeping the one thing used as my own advert locked away meant guys would misunderstand and perhaps hurt me more. I had not thought of that, and it stung like crazy. My love life, or the incredible lack of it, would be stifled. What one would now expect to do is drop it and find a date, yes? Well, I didn’t. I had a feeling there was someone out there with similar views and I was just going to hold off until I found them.

If I have the views I do, surely out of 7 billion people a handful would too? Right?

There were many benefits to abstaining from sex. It meant that each time I met a potentially new friend I could build up an intellectual bond with them, which meant they would be my friend (if they wanted) without the thought of sex. Sex was just out of the frame. Another benefit was the freedom and the lessons learnt. I found sex to be severely underrated and used in a manner that seemed selfish. Sex isn’t just a by product of passing time or competing with your friends, it’s a time of openly sharing your bits with someone other than your Dr or nurse. Who in their right mind would gladly walk around naked for the sake of it? Besides nudists, who do it to make a valid point. I have wobbly bits like any person, and abstaining from sex means I can focus on looking good, practising my speech and work out the kinks. In some way I’m polishing myself for the right moment, and it’s that thought that keeps me in line.

There are other reasons why I refuse sex, and what I didn’t mention (although I did mention it in a video now that I’m thinking about it) was I had non-consensual sex at 14 and it devastated my view on trust, friendship and men for a long time. It’s still something that sits in the back of my head each time I meet a new face, but according to my therapist, “accusing men of being a potential criminal is fine, but don’t let it out of your head and do not believe it, just be careful.”

I guess the main reason most people abstain from sex is to prevent their hearts or bodies from being hurt in any way, especially women. From a young age I finally realised, my life is mine and I shall live by my own rules, without following the herd. If you are still young, you should too. Realise that sex or your partner at this moment in time aren’t going to move you from one life stage to the next, enjoy what you have but realise we are all individuals with our own needs. Take time and work out what you want, and what they want. Everything will fall into place. Have faith.

Sy x

Just a quick note, Elle, Marie Claire, Glamour and Yoga Journal helped shape me into the mind conscious woman I am today, so check them out and you’ll see how amazing you can be. For the guys, GQ, Esquire and your sisters Elle are great too, according to a friend of mine 😛 [thanks Squid].

Related Content – this post was published after I wrote my one, but I read it and just had to link it here:

Celibacy and the Bodhisattva – SBPraxis

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Witchy Musique: Musa Venit Carmine

The crescent as a neo-pagan symbol of the Trip...

Image via Wikipedia

This is the perfect Goddess song! It’s from the album, Mirabalis by the beautiful Mediaevel Baebes. I’ve added the song and lyrics, with translation below! I had to share! Enjoy x

Musa Venit Carmine

Musa venit carmine
dulci modulamine:
pariter cantemus,
ecce virent omnia,
prata, rus et nemus.
Mane garrit alaudula,
lupilulat cornicula,
iubente natura,
philomena queritur
antiqua de iactura.
Hirundo iam finsat,
cygnus dulce trinsat
memorando fata,
cuculat et cuculus
per nemora vernata.
Pulchrae canunt volucres,
nitet terrae facies
vario colore,
et in partum solvitur
redolens odore.
Late pandit tilia
frondos, ramos, folia,
thymum est sub ea,
viridi cum gramine,
in quo fit chorea.
Patet et in gramine
iocundoi rivus murmure.
locus est festivus,
ventus cum temperie
susurrat tempestivus.

English Translation: The Goddess Inspires Our Song

The goddess inspires our song
sweetly and keeps good time
let us sing in like manner
see how all is blooming
in meadow, farm and pasture.
The morning lark chatters
the little crow clamours
greeting all of creation
whilst the nightingale mourns
what is past and now lost.
Already the swallow flits
as the swan honks sweetly
mindful of the way of things
and the cuckoo echoes
through the verdant woods.
The birds sing so beautifully
the landscape dazzles
in all its diverse colours
and its re-birth releases
such fragrant aromas.
Far and wide the limes stretch out
their leaves, branches and blossoms
and thyme flourishes beneath them
emerald like the very grass
on which our dance is held.
And winding through this grass
a giggling stream murmurs
this place is so delightful
even the wind is hushed here
whispering as befits the season.




‘Tell Your Girlfriend’ – He Opened My Heart

I'm happy now...

Day 26#

This song was playing on the radio earlier, and I bought the album a few months back and loved it. It came to me at a most vulnerable and lonely time, and at the time my favourite two albums wouln’t help with lifting my spirits. I was gloomy underneath with a smile on my face. I remember saying everything at that time was ‘Okay!’ but it wasn’t. I felt numb, alone and totally rejected in a way I never thought possible. The two albums I would listen to were a mixture of sounds that accompanied any mood, especially as one compilation had a song from two of my favourite films Practical Magic and Eat, Pray Love – Marvin Gaye (under Robyn).

At night I like to make it a habit, to listen to music to get me off to dream land after a very busy day otherwise I find I can’t sleep very well. But the most painful nights, I’d listen to nothing, and wake up during the night to see if my phone had any messages to take my mind of things. Every time a song would play from one album my heart would ache, and I found I couldn’t listen to a particular artist either and to this day I still can’t smile to the familiar French Canadian brunette.

At the time I had started the Lojong teachings and pairing them with the words of Pema Chodron, so in a way I knew I shouldn’t have expected anything, but I just wanted to peek into that false future. I switched to Robyn a few days later and then her new album was becoming more popular by the day. I fell in love with this track as it took me back to that sad moment, but in a peaceful way. I can look back and thank that person for showing me that I shouldn’t give up so easily. I#ll talk more about my ‘personal-lack-of-a-love-life’ some time, but for now, just know I’m a student at life and social skills.


“I’m Not Good Enough”

I’ll do a video on this soon, from a Wiccan/Pagan or Spiritual point of view. It’s something that comes up often in my emails from people who don’t believe in themselves. People write to me asking for advice on how to be spiritual, or more magickal even though they don’t cast spells often, or because they get to a point in life where their books go unread for a while. They feel at a loss, and they worry that the Gods and Goddesses will stop loving them. It saddens me to know, that the predominant deity who lives in the sky was created out of fear, thus meaning ‘You must be good, or else you’ll burn in hell!’

When I look at scriptures from the old papyri texts, or the sutras from both Buddhism and Yoga I don’t see the deities as beings who’ll just love you one moment and hate you the next. They can’t and won’t ever do that. It’s like what I said in ‘My Connection to Deity’ or the other one… how the Gods will never leave you, and that they’ve been with you before you were born, before your mother was born. If the Gods could ‘just stop’, then we as a human race would to. We would have the mindset that we’d ‘use’ the Gods for anything we wanted, and the Gods would have no reason to do as we say as they are higher and mightier than us; it would become a viscous circle.

Let’s take it back one step… I can see myself getting really deep into this, but I’ll save it for the vlog. The Gods will never leave you, but they will feel you when your happy and when your not. They know when you feel like a failure and when you feel wonderful. The weird thing is, at times like this do any of you stop and ask what the Gods may feel about you? Do any of you stop and wonder what others may think? I don’t mean, compare yourself to other people, or live by what others say, I’m talking about the other end of the stick that no one seems to acknowledge; Do you know what you look or feel like?

If you strip your world down, layer by layer to the very centre point, the part that you and many other people seem to be afraid of, the rawness of just you, you’ll be surprised at how emotional and full you are. Its a bad thing to stop and look at yourself after or during an argument. Don’t hate what you see, what you see is you. You need to acknowledge this part of your, rather than erradicate it. Strip everything down to its natural core and sit still. Know who you are and accept what’s there. Accept everything! The good, the bad, the rolls, the broken nail, the bad temper, the consistant laughing, everything! Don’t dismiss them, it’s you.

Meditation is probably the best key at working through your personal issues, or rather becoming friends with them. The more you push the ‘bad’ parts of you away, the more they stay. They are the yin with your yang. The two energies need each other to work. My favourite phrase is ‘You can’t feel joy without pain’. Learn to be gentle with yourself, be kind to yourself and believe me, you’ll become more aware. It’s an automanttic thing to scream at yourself or use the palm of your hand to hit your head when you screw up a line during a ritual, or a play on stage. You must learn to be gentle. Don’t be harsh, when you get something wrong, stop, breath out and say, ‘Ah well, nevermind’ – Remember your tone of voice too, that’s very important! Be gentle.

If you feel like your not magickal enough, or good enough write it down perhaps in a journal or on a calender. Know that you are in fact a wonderful person, with all the flaws, as that’s what makes you unique. The Gods love you regardless, but they need you to love

you more. The more you accept who you are, the more potent to subtle energies you become. The more aware you are, and the more accepting you become to haveing a ‘bad day’ instead of forcing yourself to cast spells when you just don’t feel like it.

There are times, thanks to my calender and journal writing, that I notice I’m more magickal at certain times of the year. It’s a natural human thing to love sneakers at one moment of the year and suddenly change your obbsession to Josh Hartnet the next. It’s normal. You are a great person, and it’s about time you introduce yourself to you.

This video is only a snippet of a full lecture from the wonderful Pema Chodron (in fact, for this entry please read Wisdom of No Escape and Start Where You Are). Be friends with yourself first, and the world will open it’s doors.

They love you, just in case you didn’t know =]


Leonidas Chocolat – With Love, Belgium

All week I’d been waiting for a surprise present from my boyfriend. He’d sent it as a spur of the moment thing, and kept it a tight secret. It didn’t help he kept giving me the wrong hints which would send me into a quandary wondering what it was. At first I thought it was a bag, then a stress-ball, another bag, a purse, another bag (haha…. I can never have too many bags now?), clothes and yet another bag… He teased me the whole time, just playing along, pretending to admit the truth. It killed me, but it was fun. I’m a sucker for surprises. ^_^

When friday came, nothing arrived. I was getting restless and a little annoyed. Loosing stuff in the mail seems to happen to often… I really wanted my first gift from him. During that time I indulged in the latest issues of ELLE and Marie claire in order to catch up with Paris Fashion Week 2011 (Oooh the designs this year…. mmm! The next post will be about some of my fave pieces). I also wrote another mini ritual for the earth and the souls lost during the devastation that hit Japan.

Saturday: I was in bed till gone 8am, I’m never in bed at that time in the morning, work has messed up my body clock so much I automatically wake up at 5am, even on annual leave. So I was in bed, chilling to some Maroon 5, when the door knocked really loudly from downstairs. I jumped up like an excited little girl and ran down the stairs to answer. To my ‘expected’ surprise the post man gave a white and red box to me and just wondered off as if it killed him to bring it to the house. I ran upstairs, sat on the bed or rather I jumped without breaking it, and attempted to hold my curiosity down. Bring on Skype! – my boyfriend watched me open the package slowly, as if looking for a bomb.  The whole time he was telling me he forgot what it was – yeah right!

Inside the postal package was a heavy 1K box, with golded wrapping paper and a gold ribbon. Anyhoo… forget the suspense; I ripped it open et voila! Leonidas Chocolat all the way from Loveland! ♥

Thank you, CuppyCake ♥ – Ik hou van jou schatje…