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Important Update

Click the link for the main update, including a brief mention of my first published work with a good friend of mine.

Link: https://harlequinsnook.wordpress.com/2019/05/23/watch-this-space-new-book-update/

As for the main YouTube channel for this site, I’m finally getting back into the swing of things so I’ll be uploading content again, like the old days, in the coming months. I’ve had to undergo a lot of healing and had to take a very long time off. Things are looking up and I’ll be back real soon!

Love you all!

(For those who would like to purchase a copy of the book the link can be found toward the bottom of the update post in the link above!)

Sy B. A. fka Sy Calaelen

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New Mala from Meditation Stations | Review

I recently bought a really cute and very practical travel altar. I’ve made my own travel collections in the past for myself, which are merely spiritual items I put in a drawstring bag and carried with me. Over time I would swap the items out depending on what I wanted to manifest and carry. Eventually that lead to not carrying anything at all, even my cards which I carried daily until early 2017. The last few months have allowed me to learn a lot about healing, how PTSD doesn’t ever fully go away, and how lifelong depression and anxiety can be worked with to make myself feel better. I have made it my mission to focus more on self-care and com one the most healing aspects of my practice with it. That brings about Buddhism.

I’m of the ilk that certain constant signs and symbols need to be acknowledged in some way or another. So during the early stages of my healing I was being brought back to meditate more, practice yoga more and pick up Buddhist texts from my bookshelf on human experience to help me out. It was great to reignite that passion. At the same time I wanted a new mala that I could carry with me on days out and to work.

I started looking up mala beads online and couldn’t find anything that jumped out at me. They were beautiful in their own unique ways, but I just didn’t feel that spark. I hadn’t touched Etsy in a little while so I went for a look and right on the first page I came across a very handy Buddhist travel altar (links below) and had to see what else the seller had. It honestly took me a few days to decide which one of her altars I wanted – to explain, they are all gorgeous and I wanted them all, so choosing one and only one was a tad difficult. I finally picked one (for now, I’ve seen 4 others I’d like to gift to 3 wonderful friends and my love).

With this altar I received a few items, including the mala I wanted, a small Buddha statue and the hand painted box in a lush shade of blue. You can also get crystals, a candle and holder, and a lovely letter from the seller, Olivia. You can feel the love and care put into the creation and formation of these items. There were a few little surprises too, but I think my favourite surprise was the inclusion of a Dorje at the top of the tassels, just below the guru bead. It makes my mala feel extra spiritual!

I chose the black mala as I’ve always seen black as a refreshing and healing colour. It takes in the bad and allows for the rebirth of something new. I have to say, upon opening the box I had to find the mala first so I could meditate. I was taken back by the shine, the newness of the symbols I’d associated with it (calming the mind, healing, something new), the crystal stones it was made up of (tigers eye and obsidian) and the Buddhist imagery of the Dorje and what looks like two little bells at the end of the tassels.

When making my selection to order there is a part that asks for what kind of mala you want (I chose the obsidian) and what stones you would like. I wanted the stones to be a surprise, to which they were as they are actually some my favourite stones! Some things enter or reenter your life to show you something important at the right time.

More than anything, it has come at the right time in my life. I’ve recently been chatting with friend who has been a great support for what I had been going through, and like me he also recites mantra. After a long chat one day I was reminded of other mantras, and decided then that I must upgrade or update my practice more now that I’m in a new place in my life. Other than saying two particular Tibetan mantras again, I’m focusing on my writing more as part of my healing and that also means adjusting my practice to honour Manjushri more. Hence the need for a new mala to mark this new chapter.

Thank you, Olivia! Your portable altar is what I need right now, and because it made me so happy I was compelled to share it immediately.

As promised, here are links to the store where you can get your own and support small businesses, and the business IG page:

Meditation Station links

Etsy: https://etsy.me/2N4Zd2p

Instagram: https://bit.ly/2oWRsNk

Thanks for reading,

Sy xxx


Life Update 2018 + The Parable of the Raft

I know I keep putting up the odd update here and there, but it’s purely to let you folks know that I’m still around and what’s been happening. From my last post I briefly explained that I had disappeared due to a police case, and that I was living through some hard times. Since then things went from bad to worse and it felt like I had been cursed somehow. However, in the last couple of weeks I’ve been slowly feeling like my old self, though I know I’ve gone through enough to have changed and developed more. I’d love to hold onto the happier and younger me, but like the raft in one of Buddha’s well known parables, I no longer need it, but to take a moment to acknowledge what I had been through will allow me to continue on in life.

The Parable of the Raft

I was recently reminded of this parable when I was just opening my eyes up to the fact that I had hit rock bottom. As positive as I try to be online, in the real world a few friends had noticed how much I had changed negatively over the last few years and a couple did come forward to help me regain who I was in the most patient and encouraging ways. Whilst revisiting my spiritual life, something I had weakened a lot during my depression, I started reading old Buddhist books I had bought myself years back. I always find myself picking up Buddhist, Thelemic or Luciferian theory when I’m at my lowest as they remind me of my humanity and the mindfulness I’m failing to honour myself with.

In this case, the parable, to paraphrase, focuses on a man who has come across a wide and deep river. Where he is fully aware of dangerous things around him and he doesn’t want to be in such a negative place. This is what leads him on a journey where he comes to the rivers edge. Across the way he sees another shore where things look nice, better, more inviting and decides he must get there. He can’t wade into the rough waters to cross it and he realises there isn’t a bridge in sight. After some time to think he decides on building himself a simple but secure raft to get across. He crosses the river safely and without too much issue, and lands on shore. Examining the new area he has come to he sees a path leading into the forest. Gathering up his things for his journey that must continue he realises that he doesn’t have space or the strength to carry the raft with him. He wonders what to do with the raft and begins questioning himself about whether he will need it once he sets off. He decides to leave it and focus on what will come as he journeys on. It is explained by Buddha that the raft was helpful for him to get across, but he doesn’t need it anymore.

The raft is a metaphor for Dharma (cosmic law/the nature of things). In my own personal understanding the parable isn’t about letting go of dharma, but rather letting go of my misunderstanding of of what I’ve known, been taught or believe for temporary situations. In other words, realigning who I was at one time in my life, (the dangers that the man encounters and lives with) in order to build my own raft to reach a better understanding of the lesson I was undertaking without realising until I came to the end of it (when he made it to the other shore). After I had learned that lesson, regardless of how sad, lonely and hard it was, I can now take what I’ve learned and keep moving on. So in this case the man wasn’t throwing away dharma, but rather acknowledging it and being thankful before continuing on with his journey. I hope that makes sense! That’s just my interpretation of it, as that particular Sutta has been interpreted in a few ways, I’ll link that particular Sutta at the end.

Similarly, after everything I had gone through, looking at my life retrospectively, do I need to take my raft with me?

An Update in Brief

It’s true what they say about the post-graduation blues, it hits you out of the blue whether you are prepared or not. At the same time as dealing with not being able to start my PGCE as I’d hoped and coming to terms with not planning another career and thus doing menial roles for the rest of my life, and living pay-check to pay-check, I had been stalked, doxxed and left to mourn the loss of everything I had worked hard for online. Except, I didn’t mourn at all as in my personal life someone else ended up going through a deep tragedy themselves and I had to focus on that for the last few years sidelining my issue to the back burner. In comparison what I had gone through was a slow burn and not the sudden shock the other person went through.

When things were getting bad they got worse. I ended up in a job, that in the beginning was lovely and kept me active, though I was naive, too nice and too supportive to others and in huge denial about the bullying I had to endure with the knowledge of many people doing nothing to help or support me with. The emotional turmoil eventually grew to such a height that I had stopped communicating with my friends or even writing in my journals, I stopped being creative and practically went invisible. Again, a handful of long time friends had noticed the change and did what they could to support me and help me build up just enough confidence to open my eyes to the constant negativity around me. Those years caused me to meditate a lot less. Instead of doing Resh or other meditations almost daily, I ended up doing a simple breathing exercise once or twice a month. I wasn’t casting, I wasn’t divining, nothing. I was too depressed and even my body was constantly making me sick to get me to just stay home, to stay in bed and just cry relentlessly. As with any situation in which you’re at rock bottom you wind up questioning yourself and wondering why everything is happening the way it was for so long. With the bullying at work I blamed myself for not being a chav enough to fit in, I hated myself for being a nerd and for being cultured, bright and too intelligent, which was the reason I was such a target for abuse and gaslighting. I went through such unfair and unnecessary crap, and was ignored even when I spoke up. It got to the point where I was instead being labelled “sad, a snitch, a loser, a cunt” by others. Eventually it all came to ahead when I was given a choice from senior staff members, either leave or deal with the daily issues and shut up.

It seemed, like the man in the parable, I had come to the crossing at the river. I can either stay on this shore where there is nothing for me or work my way across to the other side and continue on there. In this case my raft was my resignation in silence and loneliness. I had to be brave, build up my confidence again and reconnect with who I was before I lost who I was to other negative situations in my life. I had to be mindful toward myself again and go with the flow, to see what happened over the last few years as a long and painful lesson.

As for wondering whether I should take the raft with me, no. I won’t be taking it with me. What’s past is past, the good and the extremely bad, and I have to pick myself up and continue to heal as I continue on my life journey. I’m glad I can look at my life and know that throughout all the unnecessary crap I’ve remained wholly myself and nothing else. I’ve been through small moments where I adapt to new surroundings and new people, but whilst I adjust to a new habitat the person I was, the person I am eventually comes forth and unfortunately 90% of the time it rubs people the wrong way. It was only a handful around me that destroyed me enough to where I almost lost all that I was. For them it was for laughs, for a lack of empathy and understanding and mostly because they just didn’t give a shit about people they weren’t friends with. Even the nice people were fake and it was shocking to come to terms with, but without that long lesson I wouldn’t be on a great path of healing. I acknowledge I’m now on a new side of life and throughout it all I keep my faith strong, and my faith is my strong belief in myself and my own strength and connection to the universe within me.

Time to get back up when things fall apart…

Sy Calaelen

Ps. I’m playing around with opening titles and ending cards to get my YouTube channels back up and running. Watch this space I guess, x x x


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The Start and the End |#Thelema + New Website

I’ll be back and writing again in a few months, but I’m dealing with a lot right now which is why I have disappeared from the internet for my own safety.

Other than that, there is an exciting website under way hosted by writer, hypnotist and magician Dillon Andrews (@DillonAndrews). I’ll be writing there in the future (@SyCalaelen), but be sure to check it out at: http://www.thestartandtheend.com/

Topics will range from discussions on the arts, modern magick and psychology. It’s still new and much more will come.

Our links:

Twitter: @TheSATEdotcom

Facebook: The Start and the End

GoodReads Group: Magick and Occult Books


Sy Calaelen

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New Year, Fresh Start

Hey folks!

It has been forever since I have published anything on this blog or over at Harlequin Days. I have been mostly busy with studying, writing essays, getting through my reading lists and updating my two other Tumblr blogs. So far that is all I can get myself around to. I have sorted out my timetable for this term and Wednesday’s are still my day off. I hope to upload the few posts I have written so far, including part 3 and 4 of the Babalon and Me series, over the course of the next few weeks. I just need to edit those and some of the others.

I still remain a practitioner, but being a busy student and a slow reader, and studying has taken up all my time. I’ve also been in my first serious relationship since August 2013, so I’m learning a lot about relationships, myself, my boyfriend and growing as a young woman. My practice has been reduced to weekly rituals, general exercise at home or the gym, meditation and/or mantra meditations and reading the odd page or two from my Thelema and occult books. I continue to journal once a week, something short as I’m unable to perform major rituals at the moment. I don’t even log into Facebook much! Ra, help me to be a little more normal!

So, as it is a new year I am going to focus on building some kind of brand for myself. I understand now that people know me as a vlogger and an even tinier number know me as a writer, and that’s all. People don’t see me as a human having a spiritual experience, just a brand of some kind that happens to communicate. I need to embrace this.

I will continue being a weird woman I am via my social networks, so do not follow them unless you want to see a mixture of magick and my life at university, and a collection of selfies that allow me to enjoy my own face based on poor psychological and self esteem issues. As mentioned, I have two Tumblr blogs too, but the main “brand” one is under my name, whilst the other is connected to my general life as a student and human being which is connected to my other blog – links in the sidebar.

I’ll also be writing blog posts for an alternative culture website, so check it out if you haven’t already: The Start and the End.

That’s all for now,

Sy, 93, 93/93

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2013 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 24,000 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 9 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.


Magickal Items I’m Taking to University

As I’m trying to tie up the loose ends on my university supplies, stationary and halls items, it occurred to me I hadn’t drawn up a list of Magickal tools I’ll need. I can’t take everything, and there are a lot of books I will have to leave behind until Yule. I will only take the most important items, also noting that I may buy other items when I’m there as well. What items would you take with you? I’ve asked a few folks over the past few weeks, and the responses have been diverse. I’ve had time to think and thought I’d share this written mishmash of ideas! It’s been a long time coming!

Here is my comprehensive list of spiritual items I might be taking:

I am only taking two of my thirty decks. The “Lo Scarabeo Tarot” and Crowley’s “Thoth Tarot”. The Lo Scarabeo tarot is a modern merging of three of the worlds most popular tarot, with beautiful Italian illustration and simple symbols. It’s a deck that is comprised of the Rider-Waite, Tarot de Marseilles and Thoth. I use this deck as one of my daily/weekly tools for personal divination. It may come in handy with a few students too. As for my beloved Thoth deck, it’s only used for the odd reading, meditation and Qabalah study.

As far as books are concerned, they have been the main area of interest and inquiry. Partly because they are tomes of knowledge and I will miss them if they aren’t around for me to study from. Mostly because the house I’ll be leaving them in is heaven for the ignorant and closed minded – I would die if my aunt decided to hide or destroy them, like a few of my old ritual items from times past.

My original plan was to take the smaller version of Liber ABA – Regardie’s “Gems…” As it includes everything I need to know in a more immediate fashion, but I’m just too attached to my blue baby. So below is a small list of a few important books I’m taking, baring in mind I can change them every three months or so until I get my own place the following year.

▪Liber ABA
▪Liber AL vel Legis (I have so many copies of this bible, I really wouldn’t mind if it got lost! I have 8 now; excluding the printed copies within other publications)
▪Gems from the Equinox
▪Garden of Pomegranates
▪Middle Pillar
▪The Tree of Life
▪The Golden Dawn
▪The Complete Works of Aleister Crowley vol. I-III

All of my journals are coming with me! I write in them so damn much I’m already about to start my next brand new Moleskine for Conjurations and thoughts. Write! And write often folks!

▪Book of Conjurations
▪Book of Thoth
▪Book of Horus
▪Main journal

Ritual Items
Now, I don’t know all the rules of my halls yet so I’m not risking candles, my dagger or wands etc. however, I shall take a particular number of altar cloths to create scared space, and possibly a statue or two. I’ve moved from the stage of having a statue to represent deity in order to worship it, as my view of deity is that of the New Æon. I will also have a small vase with a fake red rose – hayfever issues.

Miscellaneous and Pagan Items
I will take a few crystals to keep balance, and my pink yoga mat! If there is a yoga class at the gym then I’ll be going, if not I’ll find one somewhere in the city – need to keep toned and spiritually connected yo’!

Music will be on my iPad, iPhone and laptop, which will range from the beautiful Deva Premal and Maya Fiennes right up to Beethoven, Demdike Stare and Rammstein. I have quite an eclectic taste in music, but rock is in my blood 😛

I’m sure there is much more I could take, but I will see. My travel altar items need a massive reshape too!

Like I said, what would you take with you and why? So many people have so many different paths and experiences, and differing reasons for particular items. What keeps you spiritually connected? Let me know below.

In LVX 93, 93/93