Sy Calaelen


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The Start and the End |#Thelema + New Website

I’ll be back and writing again in a few months, but I’m dealing with a lot right now which is why I have disappeared from the internet for my own safety.

Other than that, there is an exciting website under way hosted by writer, hypnotist and magician Dillon Andrews (@DillonAndrews). I’ll be writing there in the future (@SyCalaelen), but be sure to check it out at:

Topics will range from discussions on the arts, modern magick and psychology. It’s still new and much more will come.

Our links:

Twitter: @TheSATEdotcom

Facebook: The Start and the End

GoodReads Group: Magick and Occult Books


Sy Calaelen


Shutting Down my Channel

Just a quickie, I’ll be shutting down my channel in the next few weeks as I’m focusing more on myself, my spirituality (as I’ve decided to stick to my roots) and I’ll be working toward a new project and format once I’m done with all of my university and teacher training. I’m keeping my blogs running as normal, but I have been inspired of late to combine my spirituality and the other stuff I write about on one main YouTube site in time. I’ll just need better equipment😄

This is partly why I haven’t blogged on here for so long, I’m focusing on major events in my life, and can’t discuss those on this site. For those of you who have been checking out my other daliences on my other blogs will also be aware of how hectic and fun life has been for me over the past 2 and a bit years. I’m in my last year at university, but will need to then focus on teacher training and emigrating to Canada to work and settle with my Mr.

Things are looking up, and going in a direction I never thought possible, so I’m going with the flow. That also means that I’m no longer in any Orders too, as I’ve been solitary for so long and I’m more suited to that. I’m happy, and want to stay that way. Life has its general ups and downs but it’s fantastic to know how far I’ve come, and acknowledge how exciting it is to be heading into an unknown future full of love.

Thank you all for checking out my stuff over the years, and I’m so glad so many of you reached out for conversation or to share advice and tips on life, I really appreciate it. You folks are amazing.

Here’s to the future!

–Sy Calaelen



So, things have developed | Private Thelemite Update

I’m currently planning on new videos. I’ve been away for so long due to my university studies, but now that I’m finished and also having a week off before I’m bogged down with work over the summer I thought I would just let you folks know that I’m still here. I’ve been busy blogging and writing posts for my other blogs and I’m sorting out a small profile for another few websites whose editors have been asking for written pieces from me. Things were crazy hectic over the last academic year, but I enjoyed it for what it was. As for my spiritual side I had to slow down. A few things popped up which unfortunately no Thelemic text could help me with, which also lead to my understanding of the term and the various people I have interacted with over that period. I gave myself a chance to slow down and re-evaluate what I had already knew. Considering my last post and the great advice I received from my friends, and that knowledge of knowing what I was fighting against, I stopped, took a breath and continued on. I was also learning tons from my critical theory classes, so I was able to revisit psychological and political criticism and apply those to my understanding of Thelema in the modern world, and my own practices. I was growing, but in a separate pond than other magick practitioners and Thelemites.

The Hermit within

I’ve mentioned before, and will always continue to push the notion that people who practice magick should see themselves as magicians and hermits. They need to realise that they stand alone, they need to push themselves, and build a personal practice by themselves. It’s wonderful to meet people from various areas within the magick community but if you feel a sense of achievement which reveals that your current teachings need to evolve then don’t fight it, evolve. It is how you grow and become an outstanding magician. The only downfall is the inevitable loneliness that sometimes comes with it. I have found it helpful to discuss the odd topic with Mr Vamp, Mr Darcy and my other close friends in the last few years. You have to remember that I taught myself magick from the age of 11 so basic magick etc got old quick for me. I’ve taught myself and I feel great about that. The last few weeks have been quite the eye opener and I’m still trying to figure what it all means, though I have rough idea. It started with dreams and thoughts of Djehuty/Thoth constantly putting me in situations where I had no control, and the anxiety from those dreams would only dissipate once I let myself stop being so frantic and concentrated on some small physical deed, like controlling the breath or physically letting go of something. I had to apply psychological interpretation to my dreams to understand what my subconscious was trying to tell me. As usual, when your ego is scared of some major change it can skew your vision of the waking world, which for me lead to the confusion between my disciplined magick practices vs. my university studies. There were a lot things going on at the time and one major theme was not knowing where to set my sights for the future.

Djehuty is also known as father time, he knows the future of every single being before birth. The annoying yet educational feature with this is that you can go to him and ask about the future and he won’t tell you anything. He keeps his mouth shut to teach you a lesson, and because you shouldn’t keep your head in the future if you have no grasp on the present – in alchemical terms, there is not such thing as time. Take note that these teachings are Ancient Egyptian in nature, not the Orientalised version. I allowed his dreams to come and teach me some vital lessons as the changes occurred. Lately the general anxiety of not knowing what my future entails as far as my career choices and love life go are not so troubling, to cause issue with my studies anyway. At the same time I’ve allowed myself to focus on my studies and in doing so my practice became a lot easier to fit around my schedule – bear in mind all of it is magick, the practice and my studies. I was able to meditate, do mantra, banish and do ritual whenever, I just had to remind myself of the freedom. At the same time my spirituality had quite the impact on the physical self. I’m a fitness lover, and yoga fan, and I’m still a newish vegan. Other religious texts and teachings, especially those from outside of Thelema always insist that having a healthy lifestyle is key to a healthy magickal life. As with Thelema and the definition of magick I figured I would apply the spiritual mind to those aspects too. The definition of magick, with the “k” as below:

I. Definition MAGICK is the Science and Art of causing Change to occur in conformity with Will. –p. 126, Liber ABA

Crowley later gives an example that writing the introduction to Magick in Theory and Practice in Liber ABA is an act of magick in conformity with his Will, to teach and he acknowledges the tools in which he instilled his magick in at the time being the pen and paper. Crowley also gave other examples of what magick is, such as opening a door. For me the same could be said of what I do to keep my mind and body as balanced physically, mentally and spiritually – it becomes my Thelema. So I started providing small examples of my vegan dishes and fitness upkeep with an expected low understanding from folks. Most folks still consider magick as purely to do with spells and rituals. I’ve discovered that this is not so anymore.

Some things just aren’t Thelemic, or are they?

Apart from psychoanalysing my dreams and also tarot, a deity has also made himself known in my life. He is a deity I learnt about in the various stories from my Jewish and Seventh Day Adventist upbringing. He was never really touched upon much on the Christian side, but still, I forgot all about him until he started showing up. I started asking Thelemites if they could point me in the right direction of Thelemic texts that mention him but nothing came up. I was pointed in the direction of non-Thelemic concepts however, which I had previously looked up which were to do with the Qliphoth. Crowley had something say on those, but nothing in detail about this particular deity. I had to look up other information to satisfy my understanding. I continued to banish anyway, even though I wasn’t fully sure of why Moloch was coming to me. For those not in the know, Moloch is a God who you sacrifice your first born to. I’m child free so I didn’t understand how this theme would come up in my life. As I studied a little further it became apparent that I needed to undergo another lesson in letting go of my original understanding of Thelema due to the many Thelemites I had previously met. Their positions and understanding of Thelema no longer was something I was willing to try and apply to my practices. It just reminded me of the many spiritual people I had met who spend their whole lives searching for something that has always been there. They get old and lay on their death beds wondering if they lead a good spiritual life, reading, practising and regurgitating the old over and over learning very little and ignoring the outside world in the process, and that thought freaked me out. However, that statement does not describe the small number of Thelemites who seem to stay quiet and are at peace in their practices. These folks are quiet and prefer to only talk to like-minded individuals who are also living life in conformity with their Divine Will. In other words, they don’t follow trends and are free of political, egoistic and narcissistic behaviour and the over-zealous fundamentalist attitude that is rife within all spiritual communities, not just Thelema. I think I have learnt more from these silent folks than others, and I like their type of living.

At some point I would like to sit down and discuss with people the notion of what is Thelemic and what isn’t, and who says so. Purely to hear the replies.

Djehuty, Anpu, Moloch and the Hermit all symbolise the change I need to go through again. Or rather the return to a path without strings. I got so caught up trying to meet as many Thelemites, and trying to discuss ideas and phenomena the same way I do with my main Thelemic friends, that I saw the major culture differences and in so I felt that I found the reason why so many people eventually leave particular orders and the spiritual movement. Djehuty taught me to stop and live in the moment. The Hermit and Anpu reminded me that life is tough and I will persevere regardless. Moloch reminded me to let go of the Capitalist nature of the modern occult world. I’m a well practised magician and that needs to come first always. There’s a divide. Thelema, like many religions, is based on other religions and religious practices. However, if you come into the Thelemic world with a wealth of knowledge then studying Thelemic texts will be insightful, yet you will always know if you want something deeper you go elsewhere. Thelema will point you in the right direction and it is up to you to go in that direction and work on your Great Work, or like many magick practitioners you can sit within the circle and refuse to go out and smell the roses. Either way, as long as you are aware of what you are doing and how you do it, it is all Thelema. I see magick in exercise etc. It’s all magick. It’s all Thelema. However, I gather tons of knowledge from other sources, but their methods are what I would call magick. Since Thelema is based on other practices and theories, then Thelema too is magick. For me, I’m just a magician who happens to be inspired by all kinds of magick. It took me a while to get back to this place, and I’m grateful for it.

So here’s the thing: I will still say I practice my own version of magick. I am an occultist who is inspired and educated by so much, especially subjects outside Thelemic thought. However, even though I won’t openly say I am a Thelemite anymore, rather opting for magician, I am practising magick that is line with my Will and Divine Will regardless of other strings and labels. I’ve been told in the past that I can’t be a true Thelemite because I openly practice Buddhism, yoga, mantra, I still enjoy dipping into my childhood religions and drawing conclusions on them. At the end of the day, Crowley did his thing and felt he couldn’t work with a lot of stuff. At the same time he experimented, the way other Thelemites ought to. Just because he hated Buddhism based on his own experiences, does not mean that those observances are applicable 100 years later. I have found something incredible, and it’s for me and me alone.

In LVX and NOX, Em Hotep!

good times

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Things Are Looking Up | Update

I haven’t been around much online, publishing or posting anything. I haven’t finished the three books I started either. The workload for uni got a little much but I’m focusing on getting as much preparation work done between now and the short research period – which basically means reading ahead as we have our reading lists at the ready.

I’ve also been dealing with a police issue that has shaken me quite a bit. Again, for those in the know I’m not bouncing back as quickly as some folks would like, but that’s the problem with being an online figure. If folks had gone through the things I’d gone through as a teenager they would understand why I can’t bounce back so quickly. I’m tweeting when I feel okay and doing the odd bit on my culture Tumblr for those who want to know what’s up. I’m hoping to post a picture from a lecture I attended today.

As for lectures, a commenter and my boyfriend reminded me that I’ve been looking at juggling spiritual practice and university work all wrong. I needed to step back and see that living my GW already and just need to focus my attentions on the fact that my studying is my magick right now. I’m still doing the odd daily ritual though – gotta keep the magick flowing through ritual and exercise!

Anyhoo, a super quick update. Nothing major. I’m posting on my culture blog and culture Tumblr more, but most people within the magick community still separate magick from life which is why I separated the very magick things that keep me magickal – the occult, critical theory, being a student and books (lots of books and art).

Thank you to everyone for the great advice, as mentioned I’ve gotten so used to not being around people and so used to people not listening to me IRL that I’ve found it hard to ask for advice. I always go looking for answers myself. This time I need you folks and you came through. Thank you.

Back soon!

In LVX 93, 93/93

One day I'll be back to "normal"


Juggling Spirituality is Hard at the Moment

I’m going to admit something I have kept a secret for a long time: I’m struggling at university and struggling spiritually. I have left the odd hints here and there about how busy I am, and how unconfident I am of late. University is an experience unlike anything I had hoped to experience, but it has also taught me how to organise my life more effectively. My problem is juggling it all, and the fact that writing academically has knocked my confidence so much that I cannot bring myself to write anything or upload new content. It has been quite the struggle even though I try to stay positive in/with the things I do publish. I am a nutty kind of person, dealing with general mental issues and trying to learn how to socialise. At the moment it’s all rather too much but I am trying to hold it all together the best I can.


As some of you know I’m a second year university student studying English literature which combines history, philosophy, weird algebra styled formulas, basic linguistics, tons of research, writing and reading. I love the course, on paper. I love attending my lectures, seminars and workshops. I also really love the teaching style from some of my lecturers, who are very inspiring and incredibly helpful. Starting the second year I knew it was going to be harder, and a lot was going to be considered as far as timetabling, scheduling and keeping up with the reading lists each week. I had to prioritise how and what I was going to study, and how to write effective essays. I hadn’t banked on how difficult academic writing was going to be but I have been learning all kinds of tips along the way. The annoying thing is coming to the realisation and acceptance that the one talent I had held onto and honed in on was my writing and I was proven to be awful at it. Being shown and told that I don’t know how to write has been heart-breaking and causing a lot of anxiety for me. I’m not sure how or what I’m missing but I wish I could flick a switch and be truly amazing.


I’ve had to start all over again which has meant that my detailed journal entries in my book of conjurations has dwindled. I make sure to write every week without fail, but I don’t go into detail in fear that I’ll not understand my own thoughts later on when I do my six monthly catch up. I do however try to remain positive in my thinking and my actions. Every act is an act of magick after all, so retraining my mind has been the most important thing for me right now. I make sure to pull tarot cards a few times a week, and I meditate at least once and I’ve even started seeing my exercise routines to be a form of magick – diet and exercise is key to maintaining a healthy temple. I know that sounds weird but I’ve never been one who leads two lives. A lot of magick practitioners do lead two lives and that is fine, but for me I like knowing that anything I do, read, watch or take part in is a form of spiritual education or attainment. I allow myself to see magick everywhere, but in doing so I also allow myself to be human in times when the world feels shaky or when the ground is crumbling beneath my feet.


Juggling a spiritual life has been something I’ve worked hard at for a long, long time. It has also been my own thing, in the sense that it was something I created and it suited me. I’ve spent so long being solitary, and a slightly shorter time hearing about and learning from other magick practitioners, and it has been great. I’ve built up a world that was indestructible and fit me and my understanding of the world perfectly. Of late I haven’t been able to talk to other like-minded individuals, and the ones I have tried to have a general chat with are equally as busy so I retreat into my shell and don’t bother. There have been a few folks however who get access to who I am offline and they have shaken up my world so much that I no longer feel confident in the things I had spent so much time and effort building for myself. Just like my writing they don’t see how pushing me here and prodding me there is causing even more of a rift. I feel as though I’m being told what to do instead of just being accepted and left to my own devices. I’ve always been an inquisitive person, but I could never learn to do the things I did if I wasn’t given a chance, and at the same time I would never dream of trying to change someone else’s path unless they were genuinely doing something wrong or harmful to themselves or other people. I’m again crippled and at a loss. Do I continue to trust myself as I have done for so long, or do I learn not to for the sake of being accepted and moulded into something else? How do I cope with it all?


I don’t have an awful lot of time, especially as I thought I’d try to be clever and get as much reading done as possible during term 1. The workload is hefty and somehow, each week I manage to complete everything. I cram daily and on average manage a good 5 hours sleep. The unfortunate thing is knowing my daily rituals have lacked so much. I know I have stressed in the past that something like Liber Resh takes 5 minutes, but back then I didn’t realise how long 5 minutes can be. During my first year I was able to do Resh easily, but this year it has been very bad and I accept that. Our average reading time each week is 40 hours, minus research time and classes, so assuming I can just fit certain tasks into particular hours is impossible. One novel for one of my classes will take an average of 12 hours to read fully and I can’t slot that into “Wednesday reading”, times that by 2 for the remaining 3 classes. Do you see my issue?


I just know I’ll be back on track after my graduation in 2016. For now, it is merely a case of juggling the tiny bit of a spiritual life that I have, university workloads and trying to maintain my sanity. Not being able to do the one thing I held so dearly has caused so much secret anguish, terror and anxiety that it is holding me back. I’m not yet sure what to do, and people know I don’t talk about my problems. The negativity, the loneliness, the stress and those annoying colourful ideas that cross my mind demanding my attention stop me in my tracks. When I do grab the odd few minutes outside of studying and spiritual practice I like to do general human things and upload random selfies (which many have complained about, but I won’t stop because I do those pictures for me and my incredibly low self-esteem, which actually is healing my mind a little), cook a few times a week, squeeze in a couple newspaper articles or Tumblr and Tweet things I find interesting. To me this all makes me feel happy, and that happiness gives me the little push I need to get up and study a little more. I’m struggling hard for something major goal in the future; I don’t know what it will be but I want something I can say I worked hard by myself to attain, something that cannot be taken from me, something of my own doing.


Will I look back on my life and be proud of myself? Yes. Would I be able to remember the times of boredom that struck when I had successfully completed essays or copious amounts of research? Yes. Social life? Nope, I’m not one for socialising as I genuinely don’t know how to be sociable and likeable.  I’m in a weird place at the moment. I will try and get back on track at some unknown point, but for now I will have to allow myself to be a regular, not-so-magickal human for a while.


Fingers crossed, Sy

93, 93/93

'8 Mile' - Life is a struggle

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Like Discussing Books About Magick? Got a Goodreads Account? Yay!

I set up a book discussion group thing on Goodreads for those of a magickal nature. There were 2 that I came across that had a lot to do with Thelema and the occult but they were inactive. I figured I would create one for all magick and occult practitioners. I love books in general, and I also love Goodreads so I thought, “why not put them together?”. Just follow the link below and discuss and share! It should be fairly easy for me to follow updates as the app is on my phone, and it doesn’t annoy me like Facebook does😄

Magick and Occult Books

Magick and Occult Books on Goodreads - Just click the link above

Magick and Occult Books on Goodreads – Just click the link above

Sy, 93s

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New Year, Fresh Start

Hey folks!

It has been forever since I have published anything on this blog or over at Harlequin Days. I have been mostly busy with studying, writing essays, getting through my reading lists and updating my two other Tumblr blogs. So far that is all I can get myself around to. I have sorted out my timetable for this term and Wednesday’s are still my day off. I hope to upload the few posts I have written so far, including part 3 and 4 of the Babalon and Me series, over the course of the next few weeks. I just need to edit those and some of the others.

I still remain a practitioner, but being a busy student and a slow reader, and studying has taken up all my time. I’ve also been in my first serious relationship since August 2013, so I’m learning a lot about relationships, myself, my boyfriend and growing as a young woman. My practice has been reduced to weekly rituals, general exercise at home or the gym, meditation and/or mantra meditations and reading the odd page or two from my Thelema and occult books. I continue to journal once a week, something short as I’m unable to perform major rituals at the moment. I don’t even log into Facebook much! Ra, help me to be a little more normal!

So, as it is a new year I am going to focus on building some kind of brand for myself. I understand now that people know me as a vlogger and an even tinier number know me as a writer, and that’s all. People don’t see me as a human having a spiritual experience, just a brand of some kind that happens to communicate. I need to embrace this.

I will continue being a weird woman I am via my social networks, so do not follow them unless you want to see a mixture of magick and my life at university, and a collection of selfies that allow me to enjoy my own face based on poor psychological and self esteem issues. As mentioned, I have two Tumblr blogs too, but the main “brand” one is under my name, whilst the other is connected to my general life as a student and human being which is connected to my other blog – links in the sidebar.

I’ll also be writing blog posts for an alternative culture website, so check it out if you haven’t already: The Start and the End.

That’s all for now,

Sy, 93, 93/93