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To be a Puffer or Not to be a Puffer? | Journal Extract

‘And there is another thing that keeps cropping up: such moral and sensible people are always appearing in life, such sages lovers of mankind who have made it their lifetime’s ambition to conduct themselves as decently and sensibly as possible, to enlighten their neighbours, strictly speaking, to prove to them in effect that it is really possible to live both morally and rationally in this world. What then? We know very well that sooner or later many of these philanthropists have, in their twilight years, betrayed themselves by committing some foolish act, sometimes of the most scandalous variety. Now I ask you: what can one expect of man, as a creature endowed with such strange qualities? Yes, showered him with all earthly blessings, immerse him so completely and happiness that bubbles dancing surface of his happiness, as though on water; grant him such economic prosperity that he will have absolutely nothing else to do but sleep, eat gingerbread and concern himself with the continuance of world history – and that man, out of sheer in gratitude, out of sheer devilment, will even do the dirty on you. He will even purchase gingerbread at risk and deliberately sectors heart on the most pernicious trash, the most uneconomical nonsense solely in order to alloy all this positive good sense with his pernicious, fantastic element. It’s precisely his fantastic dreams, his gross stupidity, that he wants to cling to, solely to convince himself (as if this were absolutely essential) that people are still people and not piano keys upon which the laws of nature themselves are not only playing with their own hands, but threatening to persist in playing until nothing can be desired that is not tabulated in the directory.’ —Chapter VIII, ‘Notes from the Underground’ by Fyodor Dostoyevsky.

[This is all part of last night's journal entry. The past few weeks have been trying my strength, with total strangers continuing to share/debate their dislike about me (and other people within the online public arena), either to my face (via email) or in private forums on a couple popular social networking sites. Some of the complaints and comments I've received since I opened up about becoming a Thelemite a year and a half ago have been easy enough to ignore, as most of them came from people who were not practitioners or educated beyond their own scope, but more recently it is people I am supposed to call Frater and Soror that have been hurting the most. I no longer feel anyhting for them. Let them come. Let Choronzon have His way. Besides, I am a youth, a female, and mixed raced woman after all, what do I know?  Below, and the quotation above have been extracted word for word from my journal. Remember, I am one person. I do not speak for all Thelemites, and nor do I speak for the organisations I am an initiate and student of. Of L.L.L.L.L.]

I thought I would share that passage. It’s on point, opens you to that annoying truth, and overwhelmingly hyper-consciousness that we know of people who assume themselves to be bigger and better than other members of mankind. Because they allow themselves to follow a certain set of either individual, or societal rules or “rationalisations” they assume they have it all worked out. As if one of these folks could step forward and say he has found the meaning of life. Yet, in his private world he knows deep down this tiny seed has sprouted into delusion. He has to fight with himself, and question his every move, and every act, both outwardly and philosophically. The only issue there, is that he will see the world differently. If his kin choose not to follow the same methods as he then he feels the obligation to attempt to slew them. He forgets himself, his place within nature and thus becomes exactly what he so inherently despises – less than perfect. I wouldn’t go as far as blaming the ego for this, but some people would rather torch my foundations, figuratively speaking, than help me build upon them. They are so concerned with being so damn amazing (and egotistical – again, gently on ego), that they fail to see it is they who are fluffy. Where is the peace? If they cannot have it, seemingly nobody else can, least of all me (and they don’t even know me from Tefnut! Ignoramus).

I’m someone who enjoys questioning the logical and moral way of thinking and living. As Seneca stressed, you should make life an art, and live it as morally (and artfully as possible) whilst holding onto the very sheaths of rationality that you so very much despise, or assume you can overcome. I am currently in a state of flux. I’m rational and irrational – so far life as at art form is definitely arbitrary – but I am enjoying the pleasure, and the pain that comes with it.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been doing an awful lot of thinking, and it has come to my understanding that there is a lot to living the Thelemic philosophy, and in doing so understanding how to do it dutifully. I ask myself, how can I teach myself to overcome the wanton reactions from people who seek to hurt and harm me, who also are supposed to live by the same Law I do? The younger me would have let her heart bleed and her tears run free. Being hurt isn’t nice, and it really takes it’s toll on my mind. I’m not 100% sound anyway, but one symptom would be the knowledge that I am indeed sensitive and unfortunately very aware of things, which is what makes me a target. I have been meditating on how to overcome these distractions, these people, and have since developed a serious need to understand and live my life artfully, through Stoicism – by staying in the centre, “on the fence”, or in a flux of some kind, and knowing I have the freedom to move. Like the Hermit, you must work your way through an “Ordeal” by living, practising and learning. How else do you intend on keeping that light shining? The truly naive and “fluffy” are happy in their state of stagnation, and I must avoid them. I must continue allowing the negative people to come my way, and in doing so ignore them. Ignoramus.

I’m nowhere near perfect (and I have never stated so EVER), but like I said, I’m going to keep going and see what other philosophical thoughts crop up. I tell you, this path is utterly mind blowing. There is definitely something I need to learn, and I will remain open minded to whatever my Agape is fed from the Universe.

As for Dostoyevsky, yeah I’m re-reading ‘Notes…’ For the second time. He has a weird way of just writing up my thoughts and feelings using his words. It’s not just this novella, but his other works too, like ‘The Brothers Karamazov’ – all too surreal (emotionally speaking). I wonder. I take an awful lot of those silly philosophy quizzes to find out which school of thought I belong to, or which philosopher I’m akin to, and existentialism always crops up. We shall see what happens. I intend on exploring the many philosophies I’ve found mirrored in Thelema over the coming weeks/months. Please help and add your thoughts and comments – I like dialogue.

Sy, 93s

“Puffer” was the original word for “fluffy” – but attributed to failed alchemists. I’m not a failed alchemist. I must remind myself of my experiments since I was 11 years old.

Dostoyevsky

Dostoyevsky


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The Importance of Disciplining Myself During Dark Times

“To all applicants it prescribes study; definite, hard study. The same kind of study as is asked for of those who would be doctors, lawyers, engineers, soldiers or even cab-drivers.” – Aleister Crowley, ‘Equinox Vol. 4 No. 1’

Putting myself through an almost rigorous, self-taught method of practice has pushed me further than I ever thought I would go. If someone told me I’d be the woman I am now when I was younger I probably would have laughed. I remember daydreaming as a child about one day donning a ritual cloak casting a circle for some powerful conjuration. I wasn’t sure if any of that would, or could ever be true. Pushing myself from the tender age of twelve, I have carved out my own niche within the world of magick, and the discipline can be both rewarding, and a comfort in dark times. There is a joy with having discipline, especially when taking myself away from my online endeavours, and the negativity it tends to generate. I would be lost without discipline, so here’s my reasoning on why it has been a life saver in the last few weeks, especially with still being new to Thelema and combining it to what I already know and practice.

Like most children I had after school activities to attend in order to keep an active lifestyle, and to push my intelligence further. I wasn’t the smartest child at school, but the intelligence I did have didn’t meet any of the goals expected of me. I was labelled a creative child, which meant I learnt things at a slightly slower pace than most, and I had to attend various extracurricular activities so I could continue being interested in my schooling. I was first inducted into a private language school to learn French from the age of 6 two days a week after my normal school days, and I continued to speak it fluently for many years after. I was taught to read and write from before I started school, alongside dance, elocution and good grammar. I guess, looking back, I’ve always had a big brain, but I’ve only ever been interested in practical subjects which meant whatever I learnt stayed locked up. In a way the discipline and structure I was taught became second nature. I applied this same structure toward most other activities, including my desire to educate myself on the teachings of mysticism and magick.

It’s a well-known fact that if you’re passionate about a particular subject you tend to excel in it. It could be anything from gardening, or having a talent for cooking. For me it’s the study of magick, literature and philosophy. Any time I have a few moments to myself I make sure I immerse myself in reading and practice. I like referring to the above quote to remind myself of the hard work I’ve put myself through. The unfortunate thing with allowing the public to see a tiny proportion of who I am, and letting them know about my practices has come at a price. I’m often reminded how lonely living on this path can be, even though I have a small number of friends and a couple best friends who know exactly what it’s like to be on a level where you’re on the outside due to not living up to the expected norms of other practitioners. This doesn’t hold me back though. I look back on my life so far and I’m happy about the places I’ve been with my study. I’m constantly growing, constantly developing new techniques for myself and correcting my mistakes. It’s all about that push, and that structure.

Without discipline I have no idea where I would be now, and it’s a comfort. I have often thought that maybe I would have given up on the magick life around the age of 14 or 16 when I was going through seriously hard times. Even the other day when I caught wind of my online bits and bobs being criticised by members of the larger community – who are supposed to help struggling people, rather than privatising their hatred – I felt the need to make my regime even more prominent as I headed toward another brick wall. Discipline means to apply stoic thought, keep your head down and keep working – everything else doesn’t matter as it is out of your control, especially if you have no hand in it – or if you do, accept that you have put it out there. You can’t make a river flow backwards.

Discipline leads to freedom as they say (or at least my old music headmistress used to constantly say to her students), and you cannot see the greatness in something you’ve created unless you put the work in – and sometimes it is needed regardless of whether you enjoy the subject or not (think school). I yearn for that feeling of peace, that freedom, and I’ve been lucky enough to know what those little moments are like when I completed something I’ve worked on for a while. I cannot tell you the peace I felt when I performed my first LBRP properly. Or the time I did all three parts of the four part Liber Resh, and immediately went into the LBRP after weeks of not having done so due to experiencing a depressive low. The relief, the excitement of knowing that I hadn’t forgotten one step filled me with such an overwhelming emotion that I fell to the floor in a flood of tears. I still have it. I know I have what it takes to keep going. I wrote up the events from that day the following morning, as the midnight Resh made me super knackered, but I remember flicking through the back pages and noticing I still made sure to keep my reading diary updated, though I hadn’t updated it in a while. I’m usually vigilant in keeping my journals up to date, especially as I will develop all kinds of knowledge that I’ll need to stay in constant flow with, and because I collect Moleskine journals and they are bloody pricey.

Even if it something as small as updating my journal, performing Liber Resh vel Helios, or doing yoga, I make sure to keep the routine going. If magick is already in you, and of magick flows all around, then every single thing you do is, and must be a magickal act. I’m aware of my own magick, and aware of the tiny effects it has within. It’s the feeling I guess, of knowing I’m being rewarded for my own work. Everyone should feel the excitement of doing their own work. It’s great! I’m not entirely sure what it means to be modern magician, but I’m getting there as a friend has pointed out in our conversations (Love ya Mr Vamp). It’s good to know I’m not far off. My enthusiasm and discipline have also meant I’ve made a few new friends who are willing to help me whenever I’m lost. To me it’s all passion.

But like I’ve stressed enough, I have found that continuing the need to carry out my regime means throwing myself in head first with making sure I fully understand the theory and practice of other rituals, philosophies and general theorising. Instead of allowing myself to wallow and feel crap about how my hard work is under fire for being that little bit daring. Discipline has kept me in shape, and it has helped me deal with this low period, even if it has been a slow comeback.

I need to continue staying focused, I’m not giving up on years of knowledge and practice just yet – even if that means erasing parts of my online works.

Through L.L.L.L.L.

93s

Made by an Awesome Buddy

Made by an Awesome Buddy


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Hiding Magick in Plain Sight, Through the Power of Nature and the Self

There have been numerous attempts at reconnecting with nature, and seeing nature as part of our physicality/psyche, especially when understanding the self and the power of knowledge by allowing our own nature to teach us. The unfortunate rise of dominant religions have forced millions of old religious ideologies to disappear, only to be brought back, more predominantly during the Industrial Revolution. With physics, biology, philosophy and medicine developing into something far greater, and the ongoing feud between religion and science, only a famous few sought the power of Nature in times of need, creativity and devotion. Some people, as I will detail in another essay, hid their ‘pagan and hermetic’ philosophies’ in plain sight, going as far back as medieval Britain, the Renaissance and the period of the Enlightenment. A few poets took a particular interest in writing about Nature as a separate entity, with an emotional tie to every individual who ever lived. William Wordsworth is one prominent writer who often described nature as his lover and teacher, and as I will detail below, his judge. Seeing nature for what is, seeking the emotional power one perceives from it, allowed people to realise their own ambitions once again, as we will see.

It became evident during the Nineteenth Century that people should live regimented lives, according to the government, especially in the UK. This was a time of the Industrial Revolution, and people from working class, or poorer backgrounds were at the forefront of building and maintaining an empire held up by them, for the ruling classes. For a group of artists from all over Europe, and the Americas, came an influx of genius through art, music and poetry. This period is known as the Enlightenment, based on the philosophical wonders of mans’ re-connection to Nature. Nature was vast, and could over rule anyone by reminding them that man did not have control. One example comes from The Prelude, by Wordsworth, where the narrator reflects on a time where Nature was all powerful when he was hoping to laze about relaxing:

'One summer evening (led by her) I found
          A little boat tied to a willow tree
          Within a rocky cave, its usual home.
          Straight I unloosed her chain, and stepping in             360
          Pushed from the shore. It was an act of stealth
          And troubled pleasure, nor without the voice
          Of mountain-echoes did my boat move on;
          Leaving behind her still, on either side,
          Small circles glittering idly in the moon,
          Until they melted all into one track
          Of sparkling light.'

This short passage, also very well known, details the act of taking a boat out from the shore. This boat does not belong to the narrator, but small amount of guilt he feels does not bother him at all. You could say he had the intention of bringing it back, thus “borrowing” it, and also suggest he knew he had the pangs of guilt, but just didn’t care. You can interpret it in many ways, but you can agree he felt naughty. The idea of being “led by her” is the idea of Nature leading him to the shore, and out to view the stars (mentioned from the next line onwards), because he is drawn to her. Later, his awe and guilt get the better of him, and in a way so does Nature:

‘She was an elfin pinnace; lustily
          I dipped my oars into the silent lake,
          And, as I rose upon the stroke, my boat
          Went heaving through the water like a swan;
          When, from behind that craggy steep till then
          The horizon's bound, a huge peak, black and huge,
          As if with voluntary power instinct,
          Upreared its head. I struck and struck again,              380
          And growing still in stature the grim shape
          Towered up between me and the stars, and still,
          For so it seemed, with purpose of its own
          And measured motion like a living thing,
          Strode after me. With trembling oars I turned,
          And through the silent water stole my way
          Back to the covert of the willow tree;
          There in her mooring-place I left my bark,--
          And through the meadows homeward went, in grave
          And serious mood; but after I had seen                     390
          That spectacle, for many days, my brain
          Worked with a dim and undetermined sense
          Of unknown modes of being; o'er my thoughts
          There hung a darkness, call it solitude
          Or blank desertion. No familiar shapes
          Remained, no pleasant images of trees,
          Of sea or sky, no colours of green fields;
          But huge and mighty forms, that do not live
          Like living men, moved slowly through the mind
          By day, and were a trouble to my dreams.’

As you have just read, the power Nature has over the emotions of this young narrator caused him to flee back to the shore and run home. He is haunted by the image of the rocky hill, as if it knew what he had done. The narrator details how Nature can peer right into his soul, and pull out emotions from differing ends of the spectrum, as lust and fear/paranoia. Funny enough, the next stanza beings with, ‘Wisdom and Spirit of the universe!’ – Nature has power, and it’s a matter of recognising it, and working with it, either by science (predicting the weather etc.) or spiritually (by symbolism and philosophy).

Whilst most households during this time were predominantly Christian, this poem reflects the worship and love affair the narrator has with Nature as God. As most Romantics and the Enlightened, found the old classical philosophies about life, death and Nature incredibly inspirational. This is partly why so many classical works have remained today, as there is a valuable and shared truth behind the idea of living a life where you have total control. These ideologies were shared freely from master to student, ensuring the student would later become the master. This idea had caused problems during the destruction and adopted ideals of the pagan world in favour of controlling old religions under one, or several, titles. By taking away the basic rights to individualism, or living will, the modern religions allowed themselves the power of controlling mankind under one shared belief in an all supreme deity, who would/should be far greater than Nature. This idea of “controlling the masses” had become warped, as it was no longer about working together to defeat an enemy or entertainment, it was about actually controlling what people thought, how and who they had to worship (be it God or a priest), and the notion that thinking outside of the box was a wrong. Man slowly became disconnected to nature, and went on living without much hindrance to it, unless it was spoken of with a Christian translation – like I said, feigning the idea the Nature was weaker, and under total control by God.

Referring back to the understanding of the poem, and if you get a chance to read that passage (details and link below), the narrator makes a note of how Nature was, and still is, a part of his human consciousness, or psyche. The fact that a craggy hill, which doesn’t do much besides lay still and erode, has the metaphorical ability to have consciousness and peer into the narrator’s soul, suggests we humans share something with Nature. This thing can be interpreted as magick. As the narrator insists throughout the poem, he sees Nature as a temple, the lover, the teacher and as a Universal deity. Understanding then, that if the Universe (personification of the supreme deity) is a vital part of your psyche, it must then mean that we have the ability to work with, and be part of Nature because we are born with it within. It is tapping into that magick and allowing ego to teach us how to live with it, which causes so much panic and fear in the controlling environment. As long as Nature allows us to think and feel for ourselves, we will ascend from a primitive base to the stage of master.

Sy Calaelen

I will go into further details about how understanding magick, and how to use it at a later date. Thank you for taking the time to read my essay – it is only a small part of something I have been working on for some time now.

The Prelude’ – William Wordsworth, Bartleby.com (scroll down to line 357, beginning with ‘One summer evening’)

William Wordsworth


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2013 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 24,000 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 9 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.


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Dancing Beyond the Circle | My Pagan Past

My pagan past hasn’t been all bad, in fact it has been amazing. I have pushed myself to go beyond places I always heard were bad. Thelema and the occult being two examples. We are conditioned from a young age, to what is correct and what isn’t. If you analyse the impact the New Age has had on people, you will find a pool of mixed experiences, but a lot of those experiences seem to follow the trend of conforming, and to another degree “aesthetic purposes”. These days I look at myself and feel good just being myself. Being free, being open and being proud of how far I have pushed myself. Things that seemed hard to begin with are now second nature, and I’ve benefitted hugely. Hard work is one area I found easy, and it also played a big part in the decision of leaving my Wicca days behind.

I used to fight with myself, when conversing with other Wiccans or Pagan practitioners, about how they chose to study. They studied the same things I did, but they never had the same annoying thoughts. They never questioned how or why. They didn’t need to worry about any of that stuff. Neither did a few folks I knew understand the concept of becoming aware of your inner voice; that gut feeling. That voice would insist on particular subjects, when I browsed books shops. Other times, like now, I would be writing something about my day, or the ritual I had performed and the words would just flow from my mind, as if being put there by Muses. Why hadn’t anybody else ever come forward about these experiences too? I started to meet other folks who said they understood me, but unfortunately they hadn’t. On those grounds alone I would say it was the individuals that annoyed me, not the religion. These people gave the religion a bad name in my eyes. I just had to get used to the idea that the only solid friend I could trust with my personal education was that gut feeling aka the HGA. (Have I Known All Along?)

So I put in the hard work, whoop! Where was it all going to lead me? Was there an end sight? Actually, for the first time in my life I found that goal, and now I have a new one. On top of that, I know there is so much more for me to discover. Below are excerpts from Equinox Vol. 4 No. 1, which detail the importance of study. Now don’t get me wrong, not everyone likes the study, nor do they see the point in studying, but that is just down to their individual preferences. I love to study, and I love to share my experiences – like I said, I’m a hard worker, and I strive for the absolute best. I hope in some way that this text will give you a slightly different insight into your own magickal study, but if it doesn’t then at least you have the knowledge:

Essay on Occultism - Equinox Vol. 4 No. 1, pp. 1-4

Essay on Occultism – Equinox Vol. 4 No. 1, pp. 1-4

 

Essay on Occultism - Equinox Vol. 4 No. 1, pp. 1-4

Essay on Occultism – Equinox Vol. 4 No. 1, pp. 1-4

I must admit, I choices I made were based on ideals I hadn’t really thought about. As time went on, with my spirituality deepening, I found a sense of realism and understanding, in fact a whole lot more than what was available. Around the time I went back to practising general witchcraft, I noticed the bigger picture. It was as if I had seen a tiny rip in the fabric, just flapping in the wind, as if beckoning me to rip it apart. Let’s just say I ripped at it, and slowly the world it revealed was full of beauty, power and knowledge – a kind of Eden. Amongst the thorny bushes, there would be a cornucopia of rare flowers, and I knew I would have to work my way through the thorns with bare hands. I didn’t mind. I’m a hard worker, with a keen soul and devoted heart. This is what I feel is missing from underdeveloped practices like Wicca – there aren’t goals to work toward. From my own experiences, I was running around in circles, just spending my time bowing down for the sake of habit. Then there would be days when I read the exact same thing, just written by another person, and quite happily digested it without question. It was a case of the blind leading the blind.

I remember reading my old books and coming across passages dedicated to slamming the occult, and things beyond the circle. At the same time, I came across these attitudes on the internet. All kinds of people would slam the serious practitioners for thinking differently. These days I get the odd comment, or email from someone who has read my blog or watched one of videos who will try to put me down for following a system that is thousands of years old, but only made available in the last century by Crowley. People want a quick fix, so they find false teachers and follow them, only to realise after a lot of energy has gone, that they were duped. They eventually find their way back to the people they originally thought less of, or look at spiritual subjects with a new eye. Everyone must follow a path set for them, but how they choose to follow it is a choice only they can make.

When I joined the YouTube community, I had experiences with socialising I had never gone through. I won’t go into too much detail, as I have done a lot in the past! I had worked out what the trends were, and stayed well away. I looked up to people, who I considered to be normal humans like me, but with better understanding on certain subjects. I also found a lot of others, who unfortunately continue to gas, who did a lot of talking, and never shared their own experiences – considering half of the folks who vlogged after a well-known vlogger went on a huge break, were only there for subscriber numbers, and not quality. I saw the shallowness of these people and quickly decided to just keep doing my thing, regardless of how boring my videos were. I didn’t care about the quantity, I only cared about documenting my progress for my own memory. Even today, I haven’t vlogged in ages because I’m busy being a university student, and being a Thelema student. I hate the idea of ever becoming an armchair magician, which is why I don’t vlog or write unless I have successfully experimented, or experienced something. Sadly, people like me are ignored and often over-looked due to our raw love of magick. We don’t like quick fixes, we love to endure the hard work and ordeals, because we know exactly what we will gain – truth, balance and another step on the ladder of transcendence. Those are qualities you can only find outside the New Age phenomenon. Then again, that’s just my opinion.

The amount of people I have met who left Wicca and other New Age formations behind for something deeper, truer and purer is astonishing! They learnt what they needed to, and moved up a class. I’m doing that too; experimenting, and increasing my knowledge pool. I needed to go through those days, in order to find out what I do not want in my future. It was one ordeal after another, but they have been worth it. In some big way, I feel great knowing my hard work paid off, and my persistence to stay afloat meant I was able to find absolute balance. I’m more confident because of it, and I can look in the mirror and smile at myself. It’s great.

Mourning is over (for now).

LVX 93s


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Where There Shouldn’t Be Walls | My Pagan Past

“In the true religion there is no sect, therefore take heed that thou blaspheme not the name by which another knoweth his God; for if thou do this thing in Jupiter thou wilt blaspheme יהוה and in Osiris יהשוה. Ask and ye shall have! Seek, and ye shall find! Knock, and it shall be opened unto you!” – Verse 21, Liber Librae sub figura XXX

As I mentioned before, in my last post, I did not like the idea of white-washing other spiritual and cultural practices. When I was much younger, I didn’t mind reading about how to make other practices conform to the ideal that was set out. Bear in mind, this was at a time when Wicca or Neo-Wicca was mixed with an awful lot of theories and ideas, without much reference to the original roots – as if it was the inventor of such ideas. Writers’ would just write up their own experiences, which was fine, without letting the reader know where they learnt particular practices. You had to really dig to find authors who lead you to reputable sources like Cunningham, Valiente or Buckland. It still didn’t give me enough insight into how I would incorporate the other philosophical practices I was trying to study at the time.

Buddhism and yoga became the physical aspects of my practices, if you will. With Buddhism I didn’t need to buy a Westernised version of a mantra, or a Westernised Buddha statue in order to have him within the circle with me. The other aspect of Buddhism which did not fit, surrounded the notion that Buddha was a man, merely a teacher. He wasn’t a deity of any kind, so he wouldn’t be allowed to sit on the male side of the pillar, but he could sit somewhere at the side for aesthetic purposes. [Note: – Actually, now that I’m writing this, I’m honestly quite shocked – “aesthetic purposes”. Yes, as some nice people are aware, I am beating myself up, but I need to in order to feel purified. I ask myself, “to what end?” Why did I do this?] I was lucky in some way, knowing that I could listen to my gut feeling and research outside of the given texts. Why had I felt so keen on only celebrating the finer symbols in life? Why didn’t I just ignore the inner feelings of wanting to follow the trends? If they weren’t going to benefit my spiritual growth in any way, then I would just enjoy the knowledge and reap those benefits instead.

I delved deeper into unknown territory, but I felt safe in the knowledge that it was a place I was supposed to go. I had to learn about breathing techniques, yoga, effective circle casting, daily regimens, divination, history and the like outside of the Wiccan world. Wicca is a great place to start a life of study, but only if you have the intent of learning one form of magick without staying too long. If you want a lifelong process of soul working, and the ability to become enlightened then stick with witchcraft. Like I’ve said over and over, witchcraft is a practice, not a religion, so it become a big part of your personal life; you live it, it lives with you, and the benefit of just being a witch is knowing you don’t have restrictions. I felt, being different, I could love myself more by not conforming to one ideal. I had always been drawn to the Classical pantheons, and knowing their history, there wasn’t much if any discrimination on the grounds of your sexual orientation or colour. Back in those days, they didn’t pay much mind to it. I stuck with those paths and immediately felt a sense of relief, plus I could put all of my occult knowledge to good use and formulate a spiritual life of my own – which I later realised to be Thelema! Who knew?!

The purpose of living a spiritual life is to discover new things, but if one path seems to run out of road, what do you do? Do you go back and start all over again? Do you decide on setting up a homestead where the track has stopped? Or do you become a traveller, intent on finding other sources to bring back? For me, I was and still am a traveller, but I follow my heart’s desire with respect and awe, remembering to learn what I can and following the most important aspects. I won’t go out of my way to white-wash other religions because they don’t suit my own, I will respect them as they are and leave it there. If it doesn’t feel right, I listen to my gut. At the same time, as a blogger and vlogger I feel obliged to let young and impressionable people know what experiences I have gone through so they don’t end up chasing their own tails like I did.

An example of doing your thing comes from a friend of mine, who followed Wicca religiously like I did. He practises a form of Hellenism, but found in his early days he often had to view his deities the way Wiccan teachers and books had taught him. He felt his deities were being supressed in some way, being limited to particular functions within the practice and theoretical circle. He didn’t like the idea of limiting Aphrodite to the label of “Goddess of love”, as she had shown him things beyond that. Nor did he fully understand the logic behind mixing pantheons based on those limitations and stereotypes. Being Greek himself, he found Wicca incompatible with his culture, history and practices so he gave up after three years. Maybe Wicca is just limited to mostly one cultural ideal?

I’ve spoken to a few Thelemites, but mostly Mr Vamp about how the word “Obeah” is mentioned in the Book of the Law, and he quickly showed me other sources. For those of you aren’t aware Obeah is a form of magick practice in the Caribbean, mostly Jamaica. Last time I checked, Crowley had never been to the Caribbean, nor did he know much about it, but his guide Aiwass knew all there was to know about magick and the New Aeon, while giving Crowley his vision – but the thing that really stood out was the fact that there is a great emphasis on the human condition, and the freedom of being an individual without judgement. I wasn’t about to force myself to keep my soul from singing, just to suit my old books and later the YouTube community, like it says in Liber AL vel Legis, verse 41 “The word of Sin is Restriction!” – Mr Vamp reminded me of Calypso from the Pirates of the Caribbean films, she is an Obeah woman.

Most of the areas of my path were centuries old, with thousands of years of knowledge and freedom. Old thoughts and ideas have been developed and practised since, with a few key figures making this seemingly secret knowledge more accessible in their time, and ours. A lot of this life changing knowledge unfortunately falls outside of Wicca, and it takes one in a hundred to brave it outside the circle – and realise they haven’t fallen into some treacherous pit of annihilation, but a world full of incomprehensible beauty. I have found areas within this path of mine to follow even most basic of common sense, and a rigid back bone. It doesn’t matter where you come from, or the Gods you choose to work with, there is always plenty of space, essays and love for them. Like Crowley said above, “Ask and ye shall have! Seek, and ye shall find! Knock, and it shall be opened unto you!” Crowley is a prime example of this technical ideal, as he and friends put together one of the ultimate’s in correspondence charts for magick, Liber 777. Whatever deity, herb, Thoth card or I Ching etc. that you want to use with your own personal magick, you will find other effective tools within it. Whatever it is you want to explore, be aware that magick is a science, you are supposed to theories and experiment, whilst deciding what is important for you as an individual. If it doesn’t make sense, don’t do it. If there is something you want to try and learn, without practising, then that’s totally down to you. Thankfully, I’m able to just pick where I left off as far as occult magick and study is concerned, as there is more than enough room within Thelema. Don’t take any less than what you are.

Would you tell her to keep the get up, but limit things to particular ideals? Or would you just let her be the free witch she is?

Calypso, from the Pirates of the Caribbean films. An Obeah woman.

Calypso, from the Pirates of the Caribbean films. An Obeah woman.

In LVX


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My Pagan Past | To What End?

The post I wrote titled ‘Mourning My Pagan Past is Making Me Angry’ was tough for me to write. At the same time it brought back feelings of anger toward my personal experiences as a lone student behind a glass wall. Sadly, a lot of people who had read it felt I had offended them because my experiences were valid to me and not them. Somehow they felt I was being incredibly horrid because I have chosen a well-deserved path for myself. Let me make myself a little clearer, it’s MY path, and I need to do what is true for ME; I am not trying to convert anyone, just sharing my experiences and promulgating the Law.

I have written this post over and over, trying to figure out how to put my discoveries across. Obviously there are an awful lot of sensitive people out there, and they don’t stop and think about what it is they could be saying to me. Yes, I learnt witchcraft, and in some ways I still see myself using witchcraft in the future, and yes I finally graduated from the field of Wicca and I’m much happier. That is something people cannot seem to understand. Folks genuinely believe there is no existence beyond Wicca, nor do they feel that anything outside Wicca is right. The sad thing is, a lot of Neo-pagans today left Christianity for that same judgemental attitude. I also try to be one of the few occult practitioners who is trying to put the importance of words on the map, for example, witchcraft is a craft, and Wicca is a religion. Witchcraft is used by any religion or non-religious person(s).

If you found a better cooking method, based on methods from a bygone era, wouldn’t you follow those methods? Like keeping the tradition of cooking with your grandmothers recipe, rather than following a popular trend based on cooking from a box?

Folks have moaned in the past that Thelema is a new concept, sure. Aleister Crowley merely made it accessible for magick students. If you research Thelema itself, the philosophy goes as far back as ‘Gargantuan’ by Rabelais – at least from what I have read. It’s probably a whole lot older. The thing that I love most about my path is that I’m learning new things, having more physical experiences and I’m able to put all the amazing lessons I’ve learnt from witchcraft and the occult to good use.

I don’t feel like a stranger or someone who is odd. I still follow ancient Egyptian ideals with a Qabalah flow, whereas when I was practising Egyptian Wicca I had to make sure I turned Egyptian symbols into Wiccan ones. I would celebrate Wiccan holidays every year, with Wiccan symbols, but remember to make the Egyptian symbols comply. I didn’t feel comfortable. Why only two deities when all are a part of your very being? Why frown on things outside the circle when I hadn’t explored them? I was always a curious child, and I’ve always listened to my gut.

Why hadn’t there been more emphasis on modern ideals set on old symbols outside of western new age practices? It was a learning curve, and I was happy to do all the research and conversions for my own practices, which eventually lead me to just doing my own thing. When I would research particular symbols, the idea of the Universe, ascension and a solid philosophy with goal, I couldn’t find very much. Like most religions Wicca was based on much older practices, but unlike most, Wicca was diluted. The idea of casting a circle wasn’t a Wiccan concept, but when I researched various ways it could be done, I found them to be more in-depth, and they held symbols that I could never find within the confines of Wicca or Neo-Wicca. I didn’t mind. It annoyed me that I preached so highly about this path, yet in the long run it wouldn’t serve anything for my soul. I did my daily devotions – to what end? Discipline? I already had that. I wasn’t sure. I just didn’t fit the mould.

I recently tried to Wiccan-ise Thelemic holidays and failed. I just felt I wasn’t meant to. I have recently decided on not doing that anymore. A few people have stepped forward and given me their ideas and tips of how to combine Wicca with Thelema, but I prefer not to. If Wicca is based on Thelema, minus the other colours (other cultures and their practices) and sexuality freedoms (orientation and freedom), then I personally don’t feel the need to mix the two. I will happily practice witchcraft and the occult, but to my own ends, with a goal to work toward.

I experience and understand things unique to me, and others like me. I’m quite happy on my path. Lonely, but quite happy. If the universe wants me to grieve the process of moving onto the next chapter, then I will. It’s a process I have come to realise as life. I feel safe going into something considered the unknown, because it’s known to me and that’s all that counts. If I were to teach my child magick, I would teach them witchcraft and allow them to find the religious or spiritual path they choose to combine with it themselves.

I choose to live my life this way, and if it upsets you or you think terribly about me then that’s your prerogative. I’m working toward my True Will, and it’s a one seated vehicle. These feelings will not cease.

93s

In LVX 93, 93/93

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