It’s been forever, I know, and I had a lot of healing to get myself through in order to reach this good place in time. A lot has changed over the past couple years especially, and one of the biggest updates focuses on how I’m enjoying life in Canada and I’m now married. Yup, I’m a wife! With that said, my old magickal name that lots of you got to know me as, Sy Calaelen, was a name that represented who I was and what I did, but it was based on my birth name – the whole name was LotR Elvish inspired, and I had a first and second name: Merenwen Calaelen, but obviously I only used Calaelen online. Since I’m now married, and have adopted my new married surname I’m awaiting confirmation from the Universe that a new name will be on the way. For now though, I’ll be using my real last name and keeping my magickal name a secret, for the most part, once I get it.
Also, just in case you missed it, I’m also a published writer and poet, also working under a pen name, Sylvia Beckett Davidson, with an accompanying website and YouTube channel. I use a pen name to separate my professional writing from my everyday witchy and occult lifestyle. At some point, once I’m finally on schedule, I’ll have as much info out about my writing life and my revamped occult life, but for now enjoy the following videos! I’m so happy to be back and socialising again!
Bit by bit I’ll change this blog and change the url, but I’m taking things slow.
Moving Vlog
Reclaiming My Life – A rough breakdown of what has happened and why I disappeared for so long!
My most recent video!
I’m back!! Keep an eye on my twitter and YouTube, alongside my Instagram @SyBAndrews. I won’t be uploading weekly just yet, but I’m hoping to. Thank you for taking the time to read and watch!
As for the main YouTube channel for this site, I’m finally getting back into the swing of things so I’ll be uploading content again, like the old days, in the coming months. I’ve had to undergo a lot of healing and had to take a very long time off. Things are looking up and I’ll be back real soon!
Love you all!
(For those who would like to purchase a copy of the book the link can be found toward the bottom of the update post in the link above!)
I recently bought a really cute and very practical travel altar. I’ve made my own travel collections in the past for myself, which are merely spiritual items I put in a drawstring bag and carried with me. Over time I would swap the items out depending on what I wanted to manifest and carry. Eventually that lead to not carrying anything at all, even my cards which I carried daily until early 2017. The last few months have allowed me to learn a lot about healing, how PTSD doesn’t ever fully go away, and how lifelong depression and anxiety can be worked with to make myself feel better. I have made it my mission to focus more on self-care and com one the most healing aspects of my practice with it. That brings about Buddhism.
I’m of the ilk that certain constant signs and symbols need to be acknowledged in some way or another. So during the early stages of my healing I was being brought back to meditate more, practice yoga more and pick up Buddhist texts from my bookshelf on human experience to help me out. It was great to reignite that passion. At the same time I wanted a new mala that I could carry with me on days out and to work.
I started looking up mala beads online and couldn’t find anything that jumped out at me. They were beautiful in their own unique ways, but I just didn’t feel that spark. I hadn’t touched Etsy in a little while so I went for a look and right on the first page I came across a very handy Buddhist travel altar (links below) and had to see what else the seller had. It honestly took me a few days to decide which one of her altars I wanted – to explain, they are all gorgeous and I wanted them all, so choosing one and only one was a tad difficult. I finally picked one (for now, I’ve seen 4 others I’d like to gift to 3 wonderful friends and my love).
With this altar I received a few items, including the mala I wanted, a small Buddha statue and the hand painted box in a lush shade of blue. You can also get crystals, a candle and holder, and a lovely letter from the seller, Olivia. You can feel the love and care put into the creation and formation of these items. There were a few little surprises too, but I think my favourite surprise was the inclusion of a Dorje at the top of the tassels, just below the guru bead. It makes my mala feel extra spiritual!
I chose the black mala as I’ve always seen black as a refreshing and healing colour. It takes in the bad and allows for the rebirth of something new. I have to say, upon opening the box I had to find the mala first so I could meditate. I was taken back by the shine, the newness of the symbols I’d associated with it (calming the mind, healing, something new), the crystal stones it was made up of (tigers eye and obsidian) and the Buddhist imagery of the Dorje and what looks like two little bells at the end of the tassels.
When making my selection to order there is a part that asks for what kind of mala you want (I chose the obsidian) and what stones you would like. I wanted the stones to be a surprise, to which they were as they are actually some my favourite stones! Some things enter or reenter your life to show you something important at the right time.
More than anything, it has come at the right time in my life. I’ve recently been chatting with friend who has been a great support for what I had been going through, and like me he also recites mantra. After a long chat one day I was reminded of other mantras, and decided then that I must upgrade or update my practice more now that I’m in a new place in my life. Other than saying two particular Tibetan mantras again, I’m focusing on my writing more as part of my healing and that also means adjusting my practice to honour Manjushri more. Hence the need for a new mala to mark this new chapter.
Thank you, Olivia! Your portable altar is what I need right now, and because it made me so happy I was compelled to share it immediately.
As promised, here are links to the store where you can get your own and support small businesses, and the business IG page:
I know I keep putting up the odd update here and there, but it’s purely to let you folks know that I’m still around and what’s been happening. From my last post I briefly explained that I had disappeared due to a police case, and that I was living through some hard times. Since then things went from bad to worse and it felt like I had been cursed somehow. However, in the last couple of weeks I’ve been slowly feeling like my old self, though I know I’ve gone through enough to have changed and developed more. I’d love to hold onto the happier and younger me, but like the raft in one of Buddha’s well known parables, I no longer need it, but to take a moment to acknowledge what I had been through will allow me to continue on in life.
The Parable of the Raft
I was recently reminded of this parable when I was just opening my eyes up to the fact that I had hit rock bottom. As positive as I try to be online, in the real world a few friends had noticed how much I had changed negatively over the last few years and a couple did come forward to help me regain who I was in the most patient and encouraging ways. Whilst revisiting my spiritual life, something I had weakened a lot during my depression, I started reading old Buddhist books I had bought myself years back. I always find myself picking up Buddhist, Thelemic or Luciferian theory when I’m at my lowest as they remind me of my humanity and the mindfulness I’m failing to honour myself with.
In this case, the parable, to paraphrase, focuses on a man who has come across a wide and deep river. Where he is fully aware of dangerous things around him and he doesn’t want to be in such a negative place. This is what leads him on a journey where he comes to the rivers edge. Across the way he sees another shore where things look nice, better, more inviting and decides he must get there. He can’t wade into the rough waters to cross it and he realises there isn’t a bridge in sight. After some time to think he decides on building himself a simple but secure raft to get across. He crosses the river safely and without too much issue, and lands on shore. Examining the new area he has come to he sees a path leading into the forest. Gathering up his things for his journey that must continue he realises that he doesn’t have space or the strength to carry the raft with him. He wonders what to do with the raft and begins questioning himself about whether he will need it once he sets off. He decides to leave it and focus on what will come as he journeys on. It is explained by Buddha that the raft was helpful for him to get across, but he doesn’t need it anymore.
The raft is a metaphor for Dharma (cosmic law/the nature of things). In my own personal understanding the parable isn’t about letting go of dharma, but rather letting go of my misunderstanding of of what I’ve known, been taught or believe for temporary situations. In other words, realigning who I was at one time in my life, (the dangers that the man encounters and lives with) in order to build my own raft to reach a better understanding of the lesson I was undertaking without realising until I came to the end of it (when he made it to the other shore). After I had learned that lesson, regardless of how sad, lonely and hard it was, I can now take what I’ve learned and keep moving on. So in this case the man wasn’t throwing away dharma, but rather acknowledging it and being thankful before continuing on with his journey. I hope that makes sense! That’s just my interpretation of it, as that particular Sutta has been interpreted in a few ways, I’ll link that particular Sutta at the end.
Similarly, after everything I had gone through, looking at my life retrospectively, do I need to take my raft with me?
An Update in Brief
It’s true what they say about the post-graduation blues, it hits you out of the blue whether you are prepared or not. At the same time as dealing with not being able to start my PGCE as I’d hoped and coming to terms with not planning another career and thus doing menial roles for the rest of my life, and living pay-check to pay-check, I had been stalked, doxxed and left to mourn the loss of everything I had worked hard for online. Except, I didn’t mourn at all as in my personal life someone else ended up going through a deep tragedy themselves and I had to focus on that for the last few years sidelining my issue to the back burner. In comparison what I had gone through was a slow burn and not the sudden shock the other person went through.
When things were getting bad they got worse. I ended up in a job, that in the beginning was lovely and kept me active, though I was naive, too nice and too supportive to others and in huge denial about the bullying I had to endure with the knowledge of many people doing nothing to help or support me with. The emotional turmoil eventually grew to such a height that I had stopped communicating with my friends or even writing in my journals, I stopped being creative and practically went invisible. Again, a handful of long time friends had noticed the change and did what they could to support me and help me build up just enough confidence to open my eyes to the constant negativity around me. Those years caused me to meditate a lot less. Instead of doing Resh or other meditations almost daily, I ended up doing a simple breathing exercise once or twice a month. I wasn’t casting, I wasn’t divining, nothing. I was too depressed and even my body was constantly making me sick to get me to just stay home, to stay in bed and just cry relentlessly. As with any situation in which you’re at rock bottom you wind up questioning yourself and wondering why everything is happening the way it was for so long. With the bullying at work I blamed myself for not being a chav enough to fit in, I hated myself for being a nerd and for being cultured, bright and too intelligent, which was the reason I was such a target for abuse and gaslighting. I went through such unfair and unnecessary crap, and was ignored even when I spoke up. It got to the point where I was instead being labelled “sad, a snitch, a loser, a cunt” by others. Eventually it all came to ahead when I was given a choice from senior staff members, either leave or deal with the daily issues and shut up.
It seemed, like the man in the parable, I had come to the crossing at the river. I can either stay on this shore where there is nothing for me or work my way across to the other side and continue on there. In this case my raft was my resignation in silence and loneliness. I had to be brave, build up my confidence again and reconnect with who I was before I lost who I was to other negative situations in my life. I had to be mindful toward myself again and go with the flow, to see what happened over the last few years as a long and painful lesson.
As for wondering whether I should take the raft with me, no. I won’t be taking it with me. What’s past is past, the good and the extremely bad, and I have to pick myself up and continue to heal as I continue on my life journey. I’m glad I can look at my life and know that throughout all the unnecessary crap I’ve remained wholly myself and nothing else. I’ve been through small moments where I adapt to new surroundings and new people, but whilst I adjust to a new habitat the person I was, the person I am eventually comes forth and unfortunately 90% of the time it rubs people the wrong way. It was only a handful around me that destroyed me enough to where I almost lost all that I was. For them it was for laughs, for a lack of empathy and understanding and mostly because they just didn’t give a shit about people they weren’t friends with. Even the nice people were fake and it was shocking to come to terms with, but without that long lesson I wouldn’t be on a great path of healing. I acknowledge I’m now on a new side of life and throughout it all I keep my faith strong, and my faith is my strong belief in myself and my own strength and connection to the universe within me.
Time to get back up when things fall apart…
Sy Calaelen
Ps. I’m playing around with opening titles and ending cards to get my YouTube channels back up and running. Watch this space I guess, x x x
There are a ton of reasons why I haven’t blogged in a long while. The stresses of life have been challenging me financially, emotionally and physically. These days, I’ve been in such a bad place, a place I’ve never been before. Now I’m aware that Saturn Return is coming very soon for me, and so my life has been difficult over and over since August 2016. So many promises, so much work experience and a constant struggle since I was a child, all for nothing. It’s just one thing after another, and I hope I’m able to figure out what I am supposed to do with my life sooner rather than later, time is running out.
I wanted to work in research and academia, but proved that I’m not as intelligent as I hoped so that dream was dashed. Then I decided to focus on teaching, but one thing is holding me back from it so I won’t give up on that dream yet, and the other path isn’t possible as I have no idea what I’m good at or what I could do. I’m at a loss and need to figure out what I can do career-wise. Sure, I’m in the middle of writing 3 novels and one nonfiction piece, but those are my hobbies, they won’t pay my bills or allow me to progress in a field of work. I’m not sure what to do, and no one in a position of career advice can help as they have no idea what I could do either. It’s just soul-destroying that I’ve been working since I was 12 years old and I’m unable to land a job anywhere at the moment.
On top of that my spiritual path is something that many of you are aware is a huge deal in my life. If I didn’t have my spirituality when I found it I wouldn’t be alive today, I would have given up on everything after the trauma I went through. The last couple of years have been trying and testing. I’ve not practised as much as I used to, and in doing so I have felt a disconnect from myself too. I managed weekly tarot readings for myself, writing up minor astrological notes, rereading my fave occult teachings, and having intense spiritual discussion sessions with a couple important people in my life. Reconnecting with myself magickally and spiritually is important, and it’s wonderful to know I’ll be focusing on that again. I can say, even though I haven’t shared much about my path, it has developed in its own way and it feels good to know I can touch base and keep going. Eventually I’ll be back into the swing of things and will hopefully get some new videos up and have total control over my path again.
Between now and then, I need to keep hoping that good luck will come my way. I’m in the middle of considering going back to university to get a degree in Social Work so I can stay within the Social Care world with much better prospects. I’m just on a mini-journey to get a couple small qualifications that will hopefully allow me to get onto that degree between 2018-19. I’m determined to get an amazing job, with career progression and get my life started the way I’d like to. I don’t want to give up even though it seems like that’s the only option for me. I want my apartment, a job, cats and dogs.
Life sure is hard, and it’s an absolute joke, but I want to be happy. Nothing is permanent, right?
I’ll be back and writing again in a few months, but I’m dealing with a lot right now which is why I have disappeared from the internet for my own safety.
Other than that, there is an exciting website under way hosted by writer, hypnotist and magician Dillon Andrews (@DillonAndrews). I’ll be writing there in the future (@SyCalaelen), but be sure to check it out at: http://www.thestartandtheend.com/
Topics will range from discussions on the arts, modern magick and psychology. It’s still new and much more will come.
Just a quickie, I’ll be shutting down my channel in the next few weeks as I’m focusing more on myself, my spirituality (as I’ve decided to stick to my roots) and I’ll be working toward a new project and format once I’m done with all of my university and teacher training. I’m keeping my blogs running as normal, but I have been inspired of late to combine my spirituality and the other stuff I write about on one main YouTube site in time. I’ll just need better equipment XD
This is partly why I haven’t blogged on here for so long, I’m focusing on major events in my life, and can’t discuss those on this site. For those of you who have been checking out my other daliences on my other blogs will also be aware of how hectic and fun life has been for me over the past 2 and a bit years. I’m in my last year at university, but will need to then focus on teacher training and emigrating to Canada to work and settle with my Mr.
Things are looking up, and going in a direction I never thought possible, so I’m going with the flow. That also means that I’m no longer in any Orders too, as I’ve been solitary for so long and I’m more suited to that. I’m happy, and want to stay that way. Life has its general ups and downs but it’s fantastic to know how far I’ve come, and acknowledge how exciting it is to be heading into an unknown future full of love.
Thank you all for checking out my stuff over the years, and I’m so glad so many of you reached out for conversation or to share advice and tips on life, I really appreciate it. You folks are amazing.
I’m currently planning on new videos. I’ve been away for so long due to my university studies, but now that I’m finished and also having a week off before I’m bogged down with work over the summer I thought I would just let you folks know that I’m still here. I’ve been busy blogging and writing posts for my other blogs and I’m sorting out a small profile for another few websites whose editors have been asking for written pieces from me. Things were crazy hectic over the last academic year, but I enjoyed it for what it was. As for my spiritual side I had to slow down. A few things popped up which unfortunately no Thelemic text could help me with, which also lead to my understanding of the term and the various people I have interacted with over that period. I gave myself a chance to slow down and re-evaluate what I had already knew. Considering my last post and the great advice I received from my friends, and that knowledge of knowing what I was fighting against, I stopped, took a breath and continued on. I was also learning tons from my critical theory classes, so I was able to revisit psychological and political criticism and apply those to my understanding of Thelema in the modern world, and my own practices. I was growing, but in a separate pond than other magick practitioners and Thelemites.
The Hermit within
I’ve mentioned before, and will always continue to push the notion that people who practice magick should see themselves as magicians and hermits. They need to realise that they stand alone, they need to push themselves, and build a personal practice by themselves. It’s wonderful to meet people from various areas within the magick community but if you feel a sense of achievement which reveals that your current teachings need to evolve then don’t fight it, evolve. It is how you grow and become an outstanding magician. The only downfall is the inevitable loneliness that sometimes comes with it. I have found it helpful to discuss the odd topic with Mr Vamp, Mr Darcy and my other close friends in the last few years. You have to remember that I taught myself magick from the age of 11 so basic magick etc got old quick for me. I’ve taught myself and I feel great about that. The last few weeks have been quite the eye opener and I’m still trying to figure what it all means, though I have rough idea. It started with dreams and thoughts of Djehuty/Thoth constantly putting me in situations where I had no control, and the anxiety from those dreams would only dissipate once I let myself stop being so frantic and concentrated on some small physical deed, like controlling the breath or physically letting go of something. I had to apply psychological interpretation to my dreams to understand what my subconscious was trying to tell me. As usual, when your ego is scared of some major change it can skew your vision of the waking world, which for me lead to the confusion between my disciplined magick practices vs. my university studies. There were a lot things going on at the time and one major theme was not knowing where to set my sights for the future.
Djehuty is also known as father time, he knows the future of every single being before birth. The annoying yet educational feature with this is that you can go to him and ask about the future and he won’t tell you anything. He keeps his mouth shut to teach you a lesson, and because you shouldn’t keep your head in the future if you have no grasp on the present – in alchemical terms, there is not such thing as time. Take note that these teachings are Ancient Egyptian in nature, not the Orientalised version. I allowed his dreams to come and teach me some vital lessons as the changes occurred. Lately the general anxiety of not knowing what my future entails as far as my career choices and love life go are not so troubling, to cause issue with my studies anyway. At the same time I’ve allowed myself to focus on my studies and in doing so my practice became a lot easier to fit around my schedule – bear in mind all of it is magick, the practice and my studies. I was able to meditate, do mantra, banish and do ritual whenever, I just had to remind myself of the freedom. At the same time my spirituality had quite the impact on the physical self. I’m a fitness lover, and yoga fan, and I’m still a newish vegan. Other religious texts and teachings, especially those from outside of Thelema always insist that having a healthy lifestyle is key to a healthy magickal life. As with Thelema and the definition of magick I figured I would apply the spiritual mind to those aspects too. The definition of magick, with the “k” as below:
I. Definition MAGICK is the Science and Art of causing Change to occur in conformity with Will. –p. 126, Liber ABA
Crowley later gives an example that writing the introduction to Magick in Theory and Practice in Liber ABA is an act of magick in conformity with his Will, to teach and he acknowledges the tools in which he instilled his magick in at the time being the pen and paper. Crowley also gave other examples of what magick is, such as opening a door. For me the same could be said of what I do to keep my mind and body as balanced physically, mentally and spiritually – it becomes my Thelema. So I started providing small examples of my vegan dishes and fitness upkeep with an expected low understanding from folks. Most folks still consider magick as purely to do with spells and rituals. I’ve discovered that this is not so anymore.
Some things just aren’t Thelemic, or are they?
Apart from psychoanalysing my dreams and also tarot, a deity has also made himself known in my life. He is a deity I learnt about in the various stories from my Jewish and Seventh Day Adventist upbringing. He was never really touched upon much on the Christian side, but still, I forgot all about him until he started showing up. I started asking Thelemites if they could point me in the right direction of Thelemic texts that mention him but nothing came up. I was pointed in the direction of non-Thelemic concepts however, which I had previously looked up which were to do with the Qliphoth. Crowley had something say on those, but nothing in detail about this particular deity. I had to look up other information to satisfy my understanding. I continued to banish anyway, even though I wasn’t fully sure of why Moloch was coming to me. For those not in the know, Moloch is a God who you sacrifice your first born to. I’m child free so I didn’t understand how this theme would come up in my life. As I studied a little further it became apparent that I needed to undergo another lesson in letting go of my original understanding of Thelema due to the many Thelemites I had previously met. Their positions and understanding of Thelema no longer was something I was willing to try and apply to my practices. It just reminded me of the many spiritual people I had met who spend their whole lives searching for something that has always been there. They get old and lay on their death beds wondering if they lead a good spiritual life, reading, practising and regurgitating the old over and over learning very little and ignoring the outside world in the process, and that thought freaked me out. However, that statement does not describe the small number of Thelemites who seem to stay quiet and are at peace in their practices. These folks are quiet and prefer to only talk to like-minded individuals who are also living life in conformity with their Divine Will. In other words, they don’t follow trends and are free of political, egoistic and narcissistic behaviour and the over-zealous fundamentalist attitude that is rife within all spiritual communities, not just Thelema. I think I have learnt more from these silent folks than others, and I like their type of living.
At some point I would like to sit down and discuss with people the notion of what is Thelemic and what isn’t, and who says so. Purely to hear the replies.
Djehuty, Anpu, Moloch and the Hermit all symbolise the change I need to go through again. Or rather the return to a path without strings. I got so caught up trying to meet as many Thelemites, and trying to discuss ideas and phenomena the same way I do with my main Thelemic friends, that I saw the major culture differences and in so I felt that I found the reason why so many people eventually leave particular orders and the spiritual movement. Djehuty taught me to stop and live in the moment. The Hermit and Anpu reminded me that life is tough and I will persevere regardless. Moloch reminded me to let go of the Capitalist nature of the modern occult world. I’m a well practised magician and that needs to come first always. There’s a divide. Thelema, like many religions, is based on other religions and religious practices. However, if you come into the Thelemic world with a wealth of knowledge then studying Thelemic texts will be insightful, yet you will always know if you want something deeper you go elsewhere. Thelema will point you in the right direction and it is up to you to go in that direction and work on your Great Work, or like many magick practitioners you can sit within the circle and refuse to go out and smell the roses. Either way, as long as you are aware of what you are doing and how you do it, it is all Thelema. I see magick in exercise etc. It’s all magick. It’s all Thelema. However, I gather tons of knowledge from other sources, but their methods are what I would call magick. Since Thelema is based on other practices and theories, then Thelema too is magick. For me, I’m just a magician who happens to be inspired by all kinds of magick. It took me a while to get back to this place, and I’m grateful for it.
So here’s the thing: I will still say I practice my own version of magick. I am an occultist who is inspired and educated by so much, especially subjects outside Thelemic thought. However, even though I won’t openly say I am a Thelemite anymore, rather opting for magician, I am practising magick that is line with my Will and Divine Will regardless of other strings and labels. I’ve been told in the past that I can’t be a true Thelemite because I openly practice Buddhism, yoga, mantra, I still enjoy dipping into my childhood religions and drawing conclusions on them. At the end of the day, Crowley did his thing and felt he couldn’t work with a lot of stuff. At the same time he experimented, the way other Thelemites ought to. Just because he hated Buddhism based on his own experiences, does not mean that those observances are applicable 100 years later. I have found something incredible, and it’s for me and me alone.
I haven’t been around much online, publishing or posting anything. I haven’t finished the three books I started either. The workload for uni got a little much but I’m focusing on getting as much preparation work done between now and the short research period – which basically means reading ahead as we have our reading lists at the ready.
I’ve also been dealing with a police issue that has shaken me quite a bit. Again, for those in the know I’m not bouncing back as quickly as some folks would like, but that’s the problem with being an online figure. If folks had gone through the things I’d gone through as a teenager they would understand why I can’t bounce back so quickly. I’m tweeting when I feel okay and doing the odd bit on my culture Tumblr for those who want to know what’s up. I’m hoping to post a picture from a lecture I attended today.
As for lectures, a commenter and my boyfriend reminded me that I’ve been looking at juggling spiritual practice and university work all wrong. I needed to step back and see that living my GW already and just need to focus my attentions on the fact that my studying is my magick right now. I’m still doing the odd daily ritual though – gotta keep the magick flowing through ritual and exercise!
Anyhoo, a super quick update. Nothing major. I’m posting on my culture blog and culture Tumblr more, but most people within the magick community still separate magick from life which is why I separated the very magick things that keep me magickal – the occult, critical theory, being a student and books (lots of books and art).
Thank you to everyone for the great advice, as mentioned I’ve gotten so used to not being around people and so used to people not listening to me IRL that I’ve found it hard to ask for advice. I always go looking for answers myself. This time I need you folks and you came through. Thank you.
I’m going to admit something I have kept a secret for a long time: I’m struggling at university and struggling spiritually. I have left the odd hints here and there about how busy I am, and how unconfident I am of late. University is an experience unlike anything I had hoped to experience, but it has also taught me how to organise my life more effectively. My problem is juggling it all, and the fact that writing academically has knocked my confidence so much that I cannot bring myself to write anything or upload new content. It has been quite the struggle even though I try to stay positive in/with the things I do publish. I am a nutty kind of person, dealing with general mental issues and trying to learn how to socialise. At the moment it’s all rather too much but I am trying to hold it all together the best I can.
As some of you know I’m a second year university student studying English literature which combines history, philosophy, weird algebra styled formulas, basic linguistics, tons of research, writing and reading. I love the course, on paper. I love attending my lectures, seminars and workshops. I also really love the teaching style from some of my lecturers, who are very inspiring and incredibly helpful. Starting the second year I knew it was going to be harder, and a lot was going to be considered as far as timetabling, scheduling and keeping up with the reading lists each week. I had to prioritise how and what I was going to study, and how to write effective essays. I hadn’t banked on how difficult academic writing was going to be but I have been learning all kinds of tips along the way. The annoying thing is coming to the realisation and acceptance that the one talent I had held onto and honed in on was my writing and I was proven to be awful at it. Being shown and told that I don’t know how to write has been heart-breaking and causing a lot of anxiety for me. I’m not sure how or what I’m missing but I wish I could flick a switch and be truly amazing.
I’ve had to start all over again which has meant that my detailed journal entries in my book of conjurations has dwindled. I make sure to write every week without fail, but I don’t go into detail in fear that I’ll not understand my own thoughts later on when I do my six monthly catch up. I do however try to remain positive in my thinking and my actions. Every act is an act of magick after all, so retraining my mind has been the most important thing for me right now. I make sure to pull tarot cards a few times a week, and I meditate at least once and I’ve even started seeing my exercise routines to be a form of magick – diet and exercise is key to maintaining a healthy temple. I know that sounds weird but I’ve never been one who leads two lives. A lot of magick practitioners do lead two lives and that is fine, but for me I like knowing that anything I do, read, watch or take part in is a form of spiritual education or attainment. I allow myself to see magick everywhere, but in doing so I also allow myself to be human in times when the world feels shaky or when the ground is crumbling beneath my feet.
Juggling a spiritual life has been something I’ve worked hard at for a long, long time. It has also been my own thing, in the sense that it was something I created and it suited me. I’ve spent so long being solitary, and a slightly shorter time hearing about and learning from other magick practitioners, and it has been great. I’ve built up a world that was indestructible and fit me and my understanding of the world perfectly. Of late I haven’t been able to talk to other like-minded individuals, and the ones I have tried to have a general chat with are equally as busy so I retreat into my shell and don’t bother. There have been a few folks however who get access to who I am offline and they have shaken up my world so much that I no longer feel confident in the things I had spent so much time and effort building for myself. Just like my writing they don’t see how pushing me here and prodding me there is causing even more of a rift. I feel as though I’m being told what to do instead of just being accepted and left to my own devices. I’ve always been an inquisitive person, but I could never learn to do the things I did if I wasn’t given a chance, and at the same time I would never dream of trying to change someone else’s path unless they were genuinely doing something wrong or harmful to themselves or other people. I’m again crippled and at a loss. Do I continue to trust myself as I have done for so long, or do I learn not to for the sake of being accepted and moulded into something else? How do I cope with it all?
I don’t have an awful lot of time, especially as I thought I’d try to be clever and get as much reading done as possible during term 1. The workload is hefty and somehow, each week I manage to complete everything. I cram daily and on average manage a good 5 hours sleep. The unfortunate thing is knowing my daily rituals have lacked so much. I know I have stressed in the past that something like Liber Resh takes 5 minutes, but back then I didn’t realise how long 5 minutes can be. During my first year I was able to do Resh easily, but this year it has been very bad and I accept that. Our average reading time each week is 40 hours, minus research time and classes, so assuming I can just fit certain tasks into particular hours is impossible. One novel for one of my classes will take an average of 12 hours to read fully and I can’t slot that into “Wednesday reading”, times that by 2 for the remaining 3 classes. Do you see my issue?
I just know I’ll be back on track after my graduation in 2016. For now, it is merely a case of juggling the tiny bit of a spiritual life that I have, university workloads and trying to maintain my sanity. Not being able to do the one thing I held so dearly has caused so much secret anguish, terror and anxiety that it is holding me back. I’m not yet sure what to do, and people know I don’t talk about my problems. The negativity, the loneliness, the stress and those annoying colourful ideas that cross my mind demanding my attention stop me in my tracks. When I do grab the odd few minutes outside of studying and spiritual practice I like to do general human things and upload random selfies (which many have complained about, but I won’t stop because I do those pictures for me and my incredibly low self-esteem, which actually is healing my mind a little), cook a few times a week, squeeze in a couple newspaper articles or Tumblr and Tweet things I find interesting. To me this all makes me feel happy, and that happiness gives me the little push I need to get up and study a little more. I’m struggling hard for something major goal in the future; I don’t know what it will be but I want something I can say I worked hard by myself to attain, something that cannot be taken from me, something of my own doing.
Will I look back on my life and be proud of myself? Yes. Would I be able to remember the times of boredom that struck when I had successfully completed essays or copious amounts of research? Yes. Social life? Nope, I’m not one for socialising as I genuinely don’t know how to be sociable and likeable. I’m in a weird place at the moment. I will try and get back on track at some unknown point, but for now I will have to allow myself to be a regular, not-so-magickal human for a while.
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