Sy Calaelen


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Juggling Spirituality is Hard at the Moment

I’m going to admit something I have kept a secret for a long time: I’m struggling at university and struggling spiritually. I have left the odd hints here and there about how busy I am, and how unconfident I am of late. University is an experience unlike anything I had hoped to experience, but it has also taught me how to organise my life more effectively. My problem is juggling it all, and the fact that writing academically has knocked my confidence so much that I cannot bring myself to write anything or upload new content. It has been quite the struggle even though I try to stay positive in/with the things I do publish. I am a nutty kind of person, dealing with general mental issues and trying to learn how to socialise. At the moment it’s all rather too much but I am trying to hold it all together the best I can.

 

As some of you know I’m a second year university student studying English literature which combines history, philosophy, weird algebra styled formulas, basic linguistics, tons of research, writing and reading. I love the course, on paper. I love attending my lectures, seminars and workshops. I also really love the teaching style from some of my lecturers, who are very inspiring and incredibly helpful. Starting the second year I knew it was going to be harder, and a lot was going to be considered as far as timetabling, scheduling and keeping up with the reading lists each week. I had to prioritise how and what I was going to study, and how to write effective essays. I hadn’t banked on how difficult academic writing was going to be but I have been learning all kinds of tips along the way. The annoying thing is coming to the realisation and acceptance that the one talent I had held onto and honed in on was my writing and I was proven to be awful at it. Being shown and told that I don’t know how to write has been heart-breaking and causing a lot of anxiety for me. I’m not sure how or what I’m missing but I wish I could flick a switch and be truly amazing.

 

I’ve had to start all over again which has meant that my detailed journal entries in my book of conjurations has dwindled. I make sure to write every week without fail, but I don’t go into detail in fear that I’ll not understand my own thoughts later on when I do my six monthly catch up. I do however try to remain positive in my thinking and my actions. Every act is an act of magick after all, so retraining my mind has been the most important thing for me right now. I make sure to pull tarot cards a few times a week, and I meditate at least once and I’ve even started seeing my exercise routines to be a form of magick – diet and exercise is key to maintaining a healthy temple. I know that sounds weird but I’ve never been one who leads two lives. A lot of magick practitioners do lead two lives and that is fine, but for me I like knowing that anything I do, read, watch or take part in is a form of spiritual education or attainment. I allow myself to see magick everywhere, but in doing so I also allow myself to be human in times when the world feels shaky or when the ground is crumbling beneath my feet.

 

Juggling a spiritual life has been something I’ve worked hard at for a long, long time. It has also been my own thing, in the sense that it was something I created and it suited me. I’ve spent so long being solitary, and a slightly shorter time hearing about and learning from other magick practitioners, and it has been great. I’ve built up a world that was indestructible and fit me and my understanding of the world perfectly. Of late I haven’t been able to talk to other like-minded individuals, and the ones I have tried to have a general chat with are equally as busy so I retreat into my shell and don’t bother. There have been a few folks however who get access to who I am offline and they have shaken up my world so much that I no longer feel confident in the things I had spent so much time and effort building for myself. Just like my writing they don’t see how pushing me here and prodding me there is causing even more of a rift. I feel as though I’m being told what to do instead of just being accepted and left to my own devices. I’ve always been an inquisitive person, but I could never learn to do the things I did if I wasn’t given a chance, and at the same time I would never dream of trying to change someone else’s path unless they were genuinely doing something wrong or harmful to themselves or other people. I’m again crippled and at a loss. Do I continue to trust myself as I have done for so long, or do I learn not to for the sake of being accepted and moulded into something else? How do I cope with it all?

 

I don’t have an awful lot of time, especially as I thought I’d try to be clever and get as much reading done as possible during term 1. The workload is hefty and somehow, each week I manage to complete everything. I cram daily and on average manage a good 5 hours sleep. The unfortunate thing is knowing my daily rituals have lacked so much. I know I have stressed in the past that something like Liber Resh takes 5 minutes, but back then I didn’t realise how long 5 minutes can be. During my first year I was able to do Resh easily, but this year it has been very bad and I accept that. Our average reading time each week is 40 hours, minus research time and classes, so assuming I can just fit certain tasks into particular hours is impossible. One novel for one of my classes will take an average of 12 hours to read fully and I can’t slot that into “Wednesday reading”, times that by 2 for the remaining 3 classes. Do you see my issue?

 

I just know I’ll be back on track after my graduation in 2016. For now, it is merely a case of juggling the tiny bit of a spiritual life that I have, university workloads and trying to maintain my sanity. Not being able to do the one thing I held so dearly has caused so much secret anguish, terror and anxiety that it is holding me back. I’m not yet sure what to do, and people know I don’t talk about my problems. The negativity, the loneliness, the stress and those annoying colourful ideas that cross my mind demanding my attention stop me in my tracks. When I do grab the odd few minutes outside of studying and spiritual practice I like to do general human things and upload random selfies (which many have complained about, but I won’t stop because I do those pictures for me and my incredibly low self-esteem, which actually is healing my mind a little), cook a few times a week, squeeze in a couple newspaper articles or Tumblr and Tweet things I find interesting. To me this all makes me feel happy, and that happiness gives me the little push I need to get up and study a little more. I’m struggling hard for something major goal in the future; I don’t know what it will be but I want something I can say I worked hard by myself to attain, something that cannot be taken from me, something of my own doing.

 

Will I look back on my life and be proud of myself? Yes. Would I be able to remember the times of boredom that struck when I had successfully completed essays or copious amounts of research? Yes. Social life? Nope, I’m not one for socialising as I genuinely don’t know how to be sociable and likeable.  I’m in a weird place at the moment. I will try and get back on track at some unknown point, but for now I will have to allow myself to be a regular, not-so-magickal human for a while.

 

Fingers crossed, Sy

93, 93/93

'8 Mile' - Life is a struggle


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Teen Years and Growing Apart

Over the last few days people from my past have been trying to contact me, but I spent the most part of three years trying to get over the pain of being at my loneliest when I was with them. I watched the lovely (500) Days of Summer to lift my spirits a little. Friends grow apart, and I guess now I’m accepting that fact. Let me give you some background information on why making friends is not only one of my toughest challenges, but also how a handful of unknowing people made me learn to hate myself as a teenager, and how these days I see it all as one huge learning curve. It’s easier for me to write this, that way I can keep the long and arduous feelings behind the protection of a computer screen and keep this light. All smiles please!

500days

Growing up you meet all kinds of people, from all walks of life and it can be both benefiting and negative, which is a crucial part of life. You grow up with a sense of what you like and what you don’t, the kind of hobbies and habits you enjoy and most importantly the kind of personalities you can be comfortable with hopefully in ten years. What most young people forget during that time is the self. It’s good knowing you love salty popcorn, witchcraft and cry over any Heath Ledger film, but do you know who you are? Who you truly are? What really matters in life? Do you even know where to start? Whenever I asked myself these questions I always heard the voice of my therapist, Buddhist monk pals or friends always telling me, the answers will reveal themselves throughout life. I have come to realise this with the last decade. Having spent much of my time as a teenager following groups around, and only making friends twice in my upper school years, I spent a great deal of time reading and trying to discover a part of myself that made me happy. What could I possibly create and grow from this broken and invisible body? I was content with myself, and kept my head down when I could to get through the school day. I imagined everything to be fairly quiet and learnt to accept my old best friends had all moved on since moving to different schools. The only relationship I had at the time (besides family, the neighbours and my therapist) was with the Gods. They held my hand through everything.

A part of me always kept a part of my heart open for people who could fill it with their friendship. The only problem was the fact that the open space was moulded to fit certain personalities. So when I met a group of teens my age a few years later I thought they were perfect. As any teenager would agree, your friends become your family of sorts. The people who you gravitate around and you assume they gravitate around you like they do with each other. Life then was all about watching them getting drunk, watching films, listening to music (of the grunge, nu metal and proper rock ranging from the 70s-pre emo shite – type) and hearing about their crazy nights out without me. Brilliant! At first their stories would hurt, but I was so happy to have friends that I just didn’t care. So what if they all kept secrets with each other, and hardly ever shared with me? So what if they would only choose to hang out with me at school and never outside. That’s what friends did, especially if you or I were the imposters to the group. Like I said before, following people around was normal for me, but this group openly called me their friend so living on the periphery was tolerable – for a while. We all stuck it out with each other for two or so years and watched each other grow and develop into young adults. One was comfortable enough to share his love of Playstation, anime and manga with me and to open up about how he saw the world through young gay eyes. Another found me funny. Another shared her phase of Charmed style magick with me (which ultimately became the deal breaker). Another who I actually felt I could be myself with, met various friends and boyfriends who showed their dissatisfaction of me in her life. One of her boyfriends actually stuck to her hip and I spent a lot of time by myself (Once he threw a large Argos catalogue in the air when she suggested spending the evening with me, even though he had been stuck to her like glue for three days), so we went back to hers and I felt guilty being there and eventually I went home. It was okay though, I had my craft and my online buddies to keep me company. I knew in my heart or hearts that we were growing apart and I could either let it happen or hope things will change. They never did, but it made me stronger and more assertive in how I met people in the future.

In my first year of film study I saw less and less of this girl, let’s call her Clara (I’m watching Dr Who right now and even though I’m writing I’m not very creative today [for the non Whovians, Clara is Dr Who’s newest assistant]). She eventually broke it off with that douche bag, but ended up going to college where she met a new best friend. The sad thing is, over the course of that year her new friend quickly became best friends with the rest of the group and they all seemed to forget me. I would do my best and text, call and visit them but they were all busy, or too tired from partying with each other the night before. After 3 months of not seeing a few of my friends I finally mustered up the courage to at least collect a few bits from Clara’s parents’ house and try to say goodbye. As you can imagine things were awkward. We sat in awkward silence for the majority of that day. I felt guilty being there (which became a common occurrence) when she could have been out with her friends instead. They all loved the new girl; she was thin (starving herself – it was the trend amongst teens then) and she was emotional both mentally and physically and they all copied her. We hardly spoke as she made it clear she didn’t like me; they were her friends, not mine. My last stitch attempt at trying to get them to notice me, I made myself loose 3 stone so I could fit in, but they didn’t notice. The last time we all saw each other I was invited to a house party, I assume out of guilt rather than a genuine interest in whether I wanted to go or not, and somewhere around 1 or 2am I went home. I learnt what it felt like to be rejected, but it didn’t stop me.

I never saw those people again, and even though I bump into the odd person here and there or get the odd comment from them on Facebook I don’t want to reopen those wounds ever again. I guess in a sad way even though I’ve grown up by myself, via my own devices, I don’t think I’ve ever forgiven them or maybe I have, but I just haven’t confronted my feelings head on. Every time I see their updates I send them love and light silently, wishing them nothing but the best in life, but a big part of me will always feel full of sorrow and I’ll think about those painful memories. I never told any of them how they made me feel, and to this day I believe I never will. Because of them I’ve always questioned myself, my character and if people truly like me for who I am. Thanks to them I realised I can only be myself and enjoy it as much as I can, and that I needed to find people who would fill that space when they couldn’t. That’s life I’m afraid.

Over the years I learned that only I could fill the void. It didn’t matter how many people I met, or which folks became my friends, I needed to focus on what was important and that was me and my self-worth. Lucky for me, online pagan websites and YouTube have introduced to me to the coolest people ever. I am glad to say I have many friends from all over the world who lead their own lives, and share it, but they include anyone and everyone. They never make anyone, especially me, feel left out or uncouth, and best of all, most of them are hardcore pagans so they know how tough life can be. Life is like nature, you have to cultivate it. Kill the weeds and throw out the dust. Accept that it rains once in a while, accept the storms, accept the sunshine and the sounds of sweet birds flying by – otherwise you’ll be ruined.

Once you find out where to start on your life path go with the flow. Don’t spend your time looking at someone else’s life, or hearing about that group adventure. Go and start your own adventure like I did. Friends grow apart in life, with or without reason; it’s easier to acknowledge that you are an individual with potential. The right people will come along.

Side note to my friends of today: I love you, I always will. Even though most of you live outside of the UK, and even though we don’t talk every single day, know that I care and wish that someday I’ll meet you in person. Some of you may not be pagan, witches, Buddhists, Yogi’s or Thelemites, or even have a clue about half the things I write, but I love you for loving me and all my madness. I’m a tough cookie and I’ve been through a lot to know that life is fleeting and very precious. My promise is to keep my head up, keep the best part of my heart open and include you all in my endeavours. Thank you, x x x

“It was queer how sometimes a child’s innocent eyes can see things that grown men are blind to.”

– George R. R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

Sy, =D

PS. My planetary video thing I uploaded yesterday will have written notes here on my blog by next week. I’ve written up most of it all ready, and it’s actually quite short I think. I’m off for a little nap now, I’ve been up since 4am (damn anxiety induced insomnia!) – whoa: almost 8pm! Wahhhh!


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Preaching to the Wrong Crowd

Next year I am going to reshuffle my online life. Deleting unwanted people. Forever shutting off the ‘Add Friend’ button on Facebook, (I get a ton of people adding me, and then suggesting I should add their friends; for what? You don’t know me? Later…). From now on, if I am getting to know you and vice versa I’ll ask to add you. Anyway, that’s for another paragraph. I also need to write more, and accept that my path is taking me places I am too enthralled to keep to myself. Obviously, I have to keep a lot of my practices and personal feelings to myself, but thankfully I have come to realise I was preaching to the wrong crowd.

Actually, I always wondered why I was never able to fit in with other Wiccans, Eclectic Wiccans, New Age fanatics and calming pagans with my thoughts and theories, or my seemingly ‘over the top’ lust for pagan academia. Now I know. Mr. Vamp had to tell me. I was moaning about my ‘past life’ as a Wiccan in denial and he laughed, looked me dead in the eyes with his seductive blue pixels and said, (in a posh Irish accent) “You’re preaching to the wrong crowd! Oh my Gawd… You’ll find ears with us instead.”

One of my major plans for next year is to join the OTO, and look forward to working my way up from Minerval degree (guest degree) right up as far as I can for the rest of my life. This will be the first religious order I would actually mould to my practices, and the first religion I will mould my life. This will be the first order I will have an active role in, one that I have chosen for myself, rather than being brought up or forced into one. This will be the starting point of my religious life as it were; one half of my adult life.

I’m just waiting to hear back… The holiday season was the worse time to enquire! I had planned on doing a Golden Dawn style study for a year and a day before enquiring, but spiritual forces kept pushing me, a few OTO friends were saying how delighted they would be if I became a member, but Mr. Vamp topped it off by saying, “You’ll be our sister dar; join! (But only if you want to, though I know you will anyway you Leo, you).”

Other than that, its a waiting game. I knew this year would be special.

As for Facebook and other social networking sites, I am cleaning up early. Facebook is too personal and I have friends I talk to daily who I would love to see on my friends list. Twitter is just perfect, but like I said, I have wonderful friends on there I’d like to be on Facebook. I’m on Instagram, Tumblr, Lady Gaga (soon to be deleted as I don’t use it anymore) and YouTube. I have an official page on Facebook so I would prefer fans to go there for updates, blog posts and new videos, rather than clog up my friends list and never talk or reply to me. On more than one occasion I have been added to someone’s list, only to find out they’ve never watched my videos, read my blog or seen my website. It begs the question; why did you add me?

At the same time, these individuals then suggest friends who will never talk to me. This friend didn’t ask my permission let alone say they were suggesting someone. So I would accept just to save face. Now I just can’t be bothered; I’m there for me only. YouTube is a topic I can’t stop moaning about, with people selling their wares and making money like the Renaissance Popes charged citizens to repent. Modern Eclectic YouTube Wicca is a business, not a religion. I just hate when they say Gardner’s name; its blasphemy as far as I am concerned.

Things have gotten much better since coming out of the second closet as a Thelemite. A small group of occultists and pagan academics have written to me, shared information and I have been excited about delving into my studies. Like I said, like attracts like and I finally found my niche. I’m making friends and chatting away with famous and non famous OTO members and Thelemites. It has been a different kind of whirlwind; exciting and grounding.

As things are going the way my True Will has dictated, I need to strip off the old life as it were. What a better time to start. The New Year is approaching, and I have just finished the set up for the New Years Eve ritual to Janus. I’ll ask him to guide me through the veil and propel me forward into a life of Love, Law and Light.

Sy 93, 93/93 x

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When Quality Dies 2 | I Deleted 50+ Videos

Please read the previous post here before reading this one.

There were 2 more points, but because I tend I to write things straight from the mind, I didn’t write them down before hand. I am a fool, I know this, please do not tell me. *face palm* If I remember what they are, I’ll jot them down before publishing here.

—–

I come to a point in the day when I am reading something quite profound, or watching a documentary where the presenter is repeating what I feel in my heart, word for word. When that happens I just feel a sense of acceptance within. Does that make sense? I mean, more along the lines of knowing that the ideas and concepts I came up with aren’t as far fetched as I thought. There is something stirring in the recesses of my mind, and part of me believes that magickal/occult/spiritual knowledge is most definitely innate. You can’t have these concepts of spirituality, and see their physical patterns/manifestation in nature if the Gods hadn’t given you that ability. Think about Decartes meditation on Gods “Trademark Argument”. If you are unfamiliar here is a super quick run down:

God is a tradesman, a jack of all trades. When he made us, which ever way you believe, he left his trademark on us. And there you have it. To expand, on a occult/witchy level, I believe that mark is our connection to him/her/it. Its our wired modem to the Universe. The only way to boost ourselves, and make that connection fast is to find ourselves and start at the base, at malkuth.

Over time, we will come across trials and harsh lessons, coupled with the wonderful effects of our Will going well. For me, this has been happening for some time. The problem I have is knowing I am pretty much a tiny percent of the pagan population, and thus there aren’t many people to turn to. I wish I could upload videos on the Qabalah, or videos on my fan-dom over writers I love. I wish I could just ask people for advice and help when I need it; but I can’t because I will look like a total fool. When I uploaded the brief video on Kameas, asking for folks to come forward, not many people did. I actually felt crap after a few days. I just kept myself why? What was the point? Ain’t nobody gonna understand you, fool! That’s one video I may delete quite soon too.

The one major thing that has made me stop in my tracks is the fact that I know I am changing, and I have to let go of that old life. The person I was back then is no longer the person I am now, nor who I will be in future. I guess in a way, I am trying to show myself that I am that change. I am being initiated again, as it were. A long while back I was initiated. At first I wasn’t sure but I was excited. I think I may have done a video on it, but I have no idea if it still there or not. When I told a few friends about it, they were the ones who confirmed that it was an initiation; I have gone with the flow since, and have asked my newest friends who also confirmed it.

The person I was, and the person I am becoming will appear more as time goes on. I think that is the reason why the Gods have blessed me with a new name. A while back the word ‘Zenais’ kept popping up in dreams (read the second or third previous post). At first, as I was researching into my HGA (high guardian angel or higher self), I assumed I was supposed to give it that name. That’s the person I will become once I am enlightened fully. I will connect with her. She is my Goddess; I am Goddess; I am Buddha.

Ohmigawd… Just writing that last bit sent chills down my spine! In a good way! I am getting closer!

All of the spiritual paths I have learnt from, and still learning from all form the basis of my spiritual life. They all moulded who I am and I am grateful and thankful beyond belief. These paths will nourish me for the rest of my life. I don’t pick and choose as and when boredom hits, because I have never been bored so far. I have hit a point on a particular path where it no longer tastes good and I will drop it almost immediately, such as Wicca. If I become confused, I have learnt to look at the sutras, BOtL and Ptah Hotep, but I will ask folks for help, if I am lost or lonely. I am just going to focus on myself and how I make an effect on the world.

Like I said before, there is more, but I can’t think straight. I am going to leave it there, but please watch the following videos to get a grasp of where I am coming from. They are yoga videos, all less that 4 minutes long.

Ryan Leier – Yoga Is
Ryan Leier – The Six Poisons
Ryan Leier – The Six Vitamins

Sy, x

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When Quality Dies | I Deleted 50+ Videos

Do you know what it’s like knowing no matter much you want to integrate or become part of the ‘group’, you can’t? There are changes occurring, both spiritual and on a material level. In order for me to get my head around these changes I have done a few things that will ease the lessons I’ll need to grasp. The idea for this post was to detail the magical formulas of L.V.X, I.A.O. and possibly touch on INRI and NOX. However wonderful those formulas and philosophical theories are, therein lies the problem. I won’t explain them well, let alone be able to show you how to operate them as I am still trying to work my way through them. As a few very magickally adept practitioners constantly remind me, I am going through the dark night of the soul. My soul is yearning to meet my higher self, and in doing so exposing my inner, most sensitive core. As you can imagine it is exciting and scary at the same time.

I have so many thoughts swimming around my head. So, so many. I wish I could open a small door to let them fall out. The only way they have gotten out so far is in my new magick Moleskine. Even then, its just a jumble of paragraphs and pages that all have one theme in common: change. Now, my thoughts are still rather convoluted so bare with me as you read this. I have devised a small point list thing to help guide my words. Hopefully it will make sense.

1) The pagan community on YouTube:
Okay, for those of you who know me, especially over the last few years, I am a typical young lady who is no longer a child, but not yet a woman. I am a confused wreck, who seeks comfort and confirmation in order to have a boost of confidence. You all know I am not someone who finds making friends very easy at all. However, when I joined the community back in 07? I made a ton of friends, and then started to vlog in 09. It has been a lovely journey. Meeting and greeting people from all over the world, and forming friendships I could only ever dream of. I met most of my best friends within the community, and I thank the Gods each time I hear from them. Jack, as most of you know has a successful book binding business and I support him all the way. Candace is not only spiritual, creative and hot, she is a wonderful photographer. I could go into a ton of detail concerning many people I love and admire as friends, but that would take a while, but know I love you.

(Do your thing Flora!)

Now, with the good times, you get the bad. I have issues with homelessness, money and depression, which meant I have been away from the YouTube community for an awful long time. But, long before all of that stopped me from vlogging there were cracks within the community. Sadly, some vloggers didn’t say my name in their rant videos, but they described me quite well. There aren’t many London witches in YouTube land, let alone back in 2010. I am someone who is neutral or mostly positive. I like to give advice or ask for help. I stopped doing too many VR’s and stopped my readings. I became overwhelmed with the amount of people wanting things or information rather than making friends. It became a place where some individuals wanted fame and numbers, rather than quality. Speed forward 2 more years and now the themes are, drama, fame, quantity and business. There doesn’t seem to be much quality out there anymore and its getting on my nerves. There are a very small number of vloggers who are there for expression of thought and to make friends, like me and the folks from before 2011. Those are the people I will support continuously because I know they will succeed on a more grounded level, instead of being something they are not.

For the lack of interest in quality, I deleted even more videos. Totalling something like 125 videos that have gone since I first started clearing up months ago. I have a few more I want to delete. Mostly because the personal message I embedded in each one is no longer something I want to share, and partly because I am an academic witch. No one likes a boring know it all who could summon spirits quite easily, instead of casting love spell after love spell, now do they?

2) The Holy Laws and Maxims I adhere to:

I will go into more detail about these sometime. Maybe. Depends on if you want to know.

The main areas I stem insight, balance and practice from are:

♣The Maxims of Ptah-Hotep
♣The Book of the Law
♣The Kybalion (check my Hermeticism series so far to get an idea)

Other areas of interest come from the Wiccan Rede (even though I am not a wiccan), Gestalt prayer (thanks to TheFourQueens and my old yet horrid psychology teacher), 42 Virtues of Ma’at, Yogic sutras and Buddhist sutras. I am sure there are others, but I can’t think of them right now.

For me, life is about living the Middle way. If I see something bad happening I won’t walk away, but neither will I stay. Exempli gratia: the YouTube pagans–I will continue making videos, but I won’t worry about the dramas or quantity. My channel is for me, just like the choices I make I life. I am there for me now, and that suits me quite well.

The other point comes down to my sudden ascension or spiritual growth of some kind? I have found the path I am meant to be on, or at least the path I need to follow for now. I have been pointed to this path for years, and it seems that the Gods have had total control. Its wonderful, fun, bad and crazy. These days, the phrase “To be silent,” couldn’t be more obvious. I am learning things at a pace that is fast and new. I also understand with my many failed attempts at asking for help and receiving none via my vlogs, the lessons I learn are to be kept secret until further notice. At the same time, my Thelemite, occult, witch, yoga and pagan friends have been amazing. These people aren’t in the YouTube pagan community, and you can see why that is refreshing. So far, my confidence has fallen dramatically and now I feel to keep my worries, confusion and wanderings to myself and a small number of these offline folks. Before, I may have uploaded various topics and openly discussed my lessons, but nowadays I am limiting my thesis to my blog, journals and future books.

Basically, I am becoming more alone on this path, partly due to choice and partly because the YouTube pagans make it clear there isn’t much space for thinking outside the circle.

To be continued… As another post.

Sy, x

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Loneliness Keeps Me Magickal

The past few weeks have been quite titillating, as far as magickal workings and study go. A few weeks back I uploaded a video asking for various versions of circle castings, as I had printed a long list of them years ago but sadly misplaced it over time. Every so often, and usually around my dedication anniversary at the summer solstice or around Mabon/Samhain time I like to update and change aspects of my magickal practice. That could be a revamp on my thoughts to do with various philosophies or practices such as pranayama or kundalini. Other times I come across a ritual of some kind that needs further development because its effect has worn off slightly, like the sabbats/deity birthdays/Holy Day rituals. I like to keep a record on how often my spiritual life grows and grows each year.

I had some difficulty with the answers I received, a lot of the lovely folks out there either didn’t know what I asked (I am pretty bad at explanations), others didn’t answer at all and one lead me to one example channel that didn’t really rest well with me (I got strange vibes and had to close the page). So, like I have done since I uploaded my first vlog, I have given everyone the benefit of the doubt, asked a fairly simple question and got nothing much to use. I went back to square one and decided to have another flick through old books and notes, coupled with a few new books I purchased recently.

Luckily, members outside of the YouTube community have been helping me a lot. One Thelemite in particular (you know who you are) has been a huge help. It is becoming more and more apparent that my magickal life is lonely, but it has been more rewarding than ever. If I hadn’t stood on the outside for so long I guarantee I never would have found my way to the world I am in right now. I am also glad that I know the Gods are pointing me in the right direction.

I have mentioned my loneliness before, but it has only become something of a positive revelation. I don’t mind now. I don’t need to ask people advice as much, or ask for their help that much either. I have my books, a few wonderful friends and the Gods.

The question I had asked, like so many before, I answered by myself. There is nothing more fulfilling than knowing you worked hard for a lovely and sometimes unexpected outcome. I have been offline from the YouTube world for so long, and the shock I received from how business and fame minded the new pagan generation are was enough to keep me away. Yet again the hermit in me may come out and lead the way for a while.

Right now, I am sitting on the floor with a small altar set up for my night meditations and devotions. The spark my magick creates is warming and abundant, but most importantly, instead of feeling the sadness of not being able to open up about my practices like everyone else, I feel happy in the knowledge that I am unique.

As for the circle query, I have just what I need. I am sticking to the formulations’ of the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram (LBRP), The Rosy Cross Ritual, my standard 3 Circle Sphere and the basic Circling Shield. All with their own different functions, but all wonderful for me.

Just thought I would share 🙂

Sy, x

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