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Four of My Current Magick Journals

I haven’t done an update in years! At least, not on this blog anyway, so I figured I would dive in and briefly present my madness and obsession with organisation with you all. I have kept journals since I was small, ever since I could write full sentences’ without any proper writing style. I used to write made up spells in a made up language, and draw magick circles before I even knew Magick existed. I find journaling to be both therapeutic and educational as they keep me up to date with my living progress. I have many journals for all kinds of subjects from cooking, wine, travel, poetry, tea, herbal stuffs, mantra and dreams. For now, these are my latest editions and current babies.

Below are four Moleskine journals, from left to right: Secret diary, Book of Horus, Book of Thoth/Tahuti and my Book of Conjurations.

Some of Sy Calaelen's  magick journals

Some of Sy Calaelen’s magick journals

Secret Diary

This journal is for my general thoughts, feelings, events and daily creative musings. Some of the entries have a spiritual theme but others don’t, like my shopping lists and haul pages located in the back. Some of the lists are mostly around books I own and have bought, and other titles I need, and other media genres such as CDs, vinyl’s, sewing/knitting supplies and altar supplies. I also include general card readings for myself in which I use to keep my life in sync. I have photos, poetry and short stories inside, alongside my daily emotional issues and feelings of joy. Love letters to men I’ve always wanted to talk to, but never ever have the chance to, so I keep these musings to myself. I’ve always loved the idea of letting my future family read them, just to see what I was like before settling down. This is just a general journal, but a secret one. This current book is Secret Diary #23.

Book of Horus

This journal consists of my personal study of each verse within The Book of the Law (Liber AL vel Legis). Each verse has a page, written in red, with a running commentary beneath in black. I am precise about the colours I write in as the method of this journal is to update it yearly in blue. Every other year or moment I get after two years I can alternate between black and blue to track my progress. I have a file set up on my computer with the same method, but I prefer the feel of a pen to a page, plus I can add my private thoughts without the worry of breaking the book or having any pages corrupted. A friend did ask me what would happen when I fill up some pages over others and the answer is simple, I would just buy another Moleskine and start again. Other times, especially if it happens to surround one or five particular verses that have a great impact, I will write essays’ on them inside my Book of Conjurations instead and link it as thus at the bottom of those pages.

My exploration of Liber AL has been amazing. Mostly positive and awe inspiring, and other times I feel a sudden charge of emotion just rise up in me. I had suggested purely on a whim to Mr. Vamp that it would be a lovely idea for Weiser Inc to publish greeting cards around Thelemic holidays, and general holidays for Thelemites and occultists. For example, around Valentines you could give your lover a card that reads “Every man and every woman is a star” or at birthdays “For pure will, unassuaged of purpose, delivered from the lust of result, is every way perfect”. Just a mad idea I may start doing with close friends once I acquire addresses – but one that could be frowned upon.

BoH #1

Book of Thoth/Tahuti

This journal is for my in depth study of Crowley’s Thoth tarot. I must point out, I have read general tarot since I was a pre-teen so I know the difference between general readings and spiritual/psychological readings. I’ve always been more of an amateur psycho-analyser with various decks, and have on many occasions been in situations where people have tried to dissuade me or put me down only to fall onto their own traps. I’m actually not that bad, as far as intelligence is concerned.

There are a few monthly exercises I am currently working on as far as tarot and Qabalah are concerned thanks to Regardie, and a method I came up with. Each page has a date, time of beginning and one card. I will work with that card for a week or so, and then end each entry with the date and time. Working with cards can result in various methods and outcomes, for me I focus on the psychology and visualisation. On some other pages, with code words and the card(s) written in red, I list the message or lesson I am being taught. It’s a pretty basic journal, nothing too exciting, but it keeps me focused on this part of my journey. BoT #1

Book of Conjurations

This journal has a funny name, taken from Book 4 from the chapter about the Book of Conjurations in Part 2. I may come up with another title, but for now it is a constant reminder to stay focused on my path, but it may take a while as I have changed the name of these particular journals too many times. This journal has essays’ written by myself, quotations from book or blogs,  illustrations, formulae, quick notes, talismans and sigils I have used successfully in the past, alphabets, poetry, photos and much more. I treat this journal more like the ‘magickal twin’ of my secret diary, with a lot more emphasis on magick and the occult sciences. This book contains extensions of posts from my videos, or from here, or even entries written in other journals. Again, like my secret diary I have lists upon lists, upon lists, upon lists located in the back, alongside little protective charms drawn on paper in the pocket. I’m sure it sounds funny, but I do put a protective seal in my journals in places people would hopefully skip past without realising. This journal is my baby! Hopefully one of the places I turn to if I finally find a publisher and a new agent, to grab information from for a book on Qabalistic magick and the occult. BoC #8

If you follow me on Instagram, I do post the odd illustration here and there. (Located in the sidebar there).


Check out my Holy Calendar – to see a snippet of two or three pages.

A little information on the Moleskine journals

I love my Moleskine journals – yes, I am a huge fan of Moleskine and their products which is why I happily recommend people to at least have a look at a few on their website or at your local book/stationary store. My journals are all Ruled Black/Red Notebooks – Large, 290 pages of acid free paper, cardboard bound cover with rounded corners with an expandable inner pocket with the history of Moleskine. They can be pricey, but for what they are worth, they are a bargain! Of course you can just buy the dupes, or a totally different kind of journal to store your life’s progress. I just love to write, and thankfully it’s a gift I intend to perfect.


The Middle Pillar | Israel Regardie


‘The Middle Pillar – The Balance Between Mind and Magic’

Published: 1938

3rd Edition: 1970


This book puts a lot of emphasis on the meaning of magick, similar to Crowley’s theory from Book 4, and how our bodies and minds need to be clear of clutter in order to manipulate it at its best. Regardie goes into detail about psychology, fads within the world of magick and how to avoid them as a student and lots practical tips to start the process of allowing the body to start afresh, and connect with the divine. Before you learn how to perform the Middle Pillar exercise, he takes you through a few rituals and methods so you can really appreciate the ritual itself.

This book became personal for me, especially within the first few chapters of part one titled, ‘The Middle Pillar’, where I actually started questioning what I believe and what I hope to gain as a student. I have spoken to others who own the book and they have told me how good it is too. Mr. Vamp recommended this title to me and I must say how much I cherish it. Another friend told me has bought three copies in total as his precious two copies don’t look very neat anymore; a well loved book. Now, this book deals with the psychological aspects of magick, especially with Jung’s theories, and that can seem daunting to folks who aren’t familiar with these theories, but one friend did say she read this book and got the gist early on, even though I recommended this book to her back in January.

Regardie manages to be on point, honest and very blunt about his ideas, which leads you to questioning your beliefs and the systems available, even today; clearly a book written well ahead of its time.

My rating: ★★★★☆



I’m Taking a Break

I had originally titled this post,’A Chance to Explain What Has Been Going On’. I sat at the computer for the last few nights trying to work out what to say and how to say it. I used to think I was creative with words, but I don’t think I am these days (block?). I need to get better, and since the rest of my life will consist of me writing, publishing and teaching within the realms of literature and research I need practice. Practice with writing, practice with making my point and making sense.

I used to read tons of books, make notes and then openly discuss my issues or questions with people online, due to their pagan paths. In the real world these days, there is a small number of people to talk to. Whenever I get lost or just want to air a thought, most of you have been awesome. It’s true what they say, once you appear on YouTube you have to accept the shit that comes your way, and I do most of the time. YouTube and my blog are my only outlet, and if I’m stuck those have been the places I’ve gone to in order to receive answers. I’m just one girl, with a mind that is constantly in operation (I don’t sleep well either, due to stress if thinking about everything all the time).

On top of that, my path has opened up so much thought provoking analysis, and practices. They have done nothing but good for me, and it sucks I feel I cannot shout how happy I am for the first time in years; at least not on YouTube for a while. I thought I was making progress, but it turns out in making one mistake after another. I’m working on that. Need to be better. Just wish someone could be on par with me and tell me how tough it was in the beginning, so I don’t feel too bad. I’m a little perfectionist at heart, so I kind of want some things to work well in general. So many of you ask me questions, ask me for guidance and for tips/advice. I love that. Makes me feel like I am apart of something. This is why it’s hard for me to write this.

I am learning things at such a rapid pace, so much goodness has just opened up and my spirituality is really being kneaded by the heavens. So much so, it’s getting overwhelming and my emotions have been all over the place. I need a little time to work on the forceful nature of my growth, and balance myself again. Going off kilter isn’t good, as you end up focusing on the tiny bad details, instead of the good. I’m learning about who I am as a person and so far it’s been cool. I’m learning to override my arrogance, naïvety and cynicism. But, best if all, I’m learning to say yes (thanks Lord Hawaii*).

Taking time off filming. I need to. The blog will stay, but it will be frequent. As my path unfolds, it’s an automatic button in me to question everything. It’s what I was taught at school. Don’t follow something so blindly; question everything. I’ve been doing that, totally hoping to be honest and truthful, but messing up big time. But who do you talk to when something comes up? I need to stop my head from floating in the clouds. I can’t be in a good place forever, and nor can I educate. Haha, I actually suck at this! I wish I had listened years back. I need to find another way to question everything, without directing them at me, myself and I, or YouTube.

I’ll still blog, but nothing too personal for a little while. Restricting my questions and theories to my journal and head. I shall change up a few bits too, for easy navigation.

Please note, anything I say or theorise is my own. I’m so new to Thelema I don’t want to call myself a Thelemite anymore, and bare in mind I take the freedom of practice very seriously. One day I’ll feel balanced enough again and put my 93 hat back on.



Angelic and Planetary Hours [Png]

You should be able to click and save each of the images below. I will go through a quick run down soon explaining them in a little more detail. For now, enjoy my badly edited video here.





They are handy for your Book of Conjurations, Book of Shadows or almanacs.

Sy, x


The Privacy of Magick

It’s something I’ve always noticed when meeting other pagans, the privacy of ones magick and learning. It’s lovely to hear that this person is a Druid, that one is a chaos magician and those folks are Wiccans. There is a deeply diverse set of ideas being practiced, so much so we not only lean on a strong foundation, but continue to fuel our own culture of magick. One of the main tenants of magick is The Four Powers of the Sphinx highly emphasised by Eliphas Levi, “to Know, to Will, to Dare and to Keep Silent,” which engraves the ideal that your magick is personal (for the Will) and intimate so you should keep silent on some areas, but happily discuss others with other Magickal folks to forward your learning.

I’m one of those individuals who keeps quiet on personal and intimate aspects of my Magickal performances and its journey. In fact, up until last August the only people I felt good enough to divulge in my secrets with could be counted on one hand, excluding the thumb. I didn’t like to open up too much because of how I was conditioned. When I met my first coven, (a very silly group of teenagers who didn’t take magick seriously, as they all tried to mirror the character of Nancy from The Craft), I suddenly felt the need to keep my practices to myself. Anytime I showed them my first Book of Shadows, they would either copy what I had, or moan that I was getting this wrong, and that wrong (when in fact I hadn’t because I hand copied most of my information from various books and authors). I was around the tender age of 13 so you can imagine the blow to my self esteem, and over time I stopped sharing my ideas with people. I developed a sense of intimacy as the years went on, due to the complexity and purity of my various contact rituals with elements of deity. At the same time I developed a feeling of insecurity and paranoia about what other people may say about my practice, so much so I used to get very defensive if someone tried to point out a flaw they had, when it was mirrored through me. Let me give you a small example…

I was chatting away with a guy a few years back. Hardcore Celtic pagan practitioner and very proud of his ancestry from the Anglo Saxons. I was quite deep into my practice of Egyptian, Roman and Greek paganism. I also started reading up and teaching myself about the philosophies of alchemy, Hermeticism and occult beliefs. Whenever this man and I would catchup over coffee he would go on and on and on about his beliefs. Whenever I gave what replies I could about how I would practice something different, and inform him I respected his views as they were all similar, he would be quick to jump down my throat and say that my beliefs were wrong. In fact, on one occasion he demanded I never study Crowley as he, like many still do, thought that it would be dangerous, wrong and that I wouldn’t be ready. What he didn’t know was I already started studying Crowley informally, little by little and I was quite happy. You can imagine what happened in that coffee shop that day, with him putting me down and telling me what to do. I flipped. I became very defensive and told him off, stating how everyone has their own journey to walk, by themselves. Just because he wasn’t adept enough to move onto or understand Crowley, didn’t mean I wasn’t.

That’s where the privacy element also comes in. With the Internet you can meet lots of like minded people, and discuss any area that intrigues you. I find, which is almost coincidental, that people keep their mouths shut in fear of subtle persecution for being a tiny bit different. Maybe that’s me? Or do you see it too? I still get defensive today, especially when I’ve practiced things most haven’t. At the moment the most prevalent subject in my practice is Buddhism. Buddhism is incredibly misunderstood, so much so even it’s many followers get their paths wrong. Whilst I’m a solitary Thelemite, I still catch up on Tonglen practice and honour Vajrayogini, including Buddhist mysticism/magick. Most Thelemites cannot, and will not discuss Buddhism because Crowley said its crap. If Crowley was alive today and looked at Buddhism properly I’m sure he would retract his ideas, like he did years before he died when he bad mouthed the Jewish folks. The times have changed…

I will run to the defence of the Universe, the deities and my HGA. I may do things differently, believe slightly different philosophies but they are what make me who I am. At the same time, you’re practices are moulded just for you too, and the closest I’ll get to your practices is if I think you have something I can learn. I love to learn!

When was the last time you felt a knot of defence grow in your gut? Do you ever feel like you can only open up about certain subjects with certain people, or anyone you meet?

Magick is private due to those tenants above, but because magick is so personal, as its pumps through your blood, you have to defend it often. Thankfully, my blog is my main area of sharing. I can write tiny elements of intimacy and be happy knowing someone will either agree, or disagree.

Sy x


The God, The Witch and the HGA

The one thing I have always felt protective of, and prideful of, was my relationship with the Divine. I’ve always had an intimate connection with God and always will; in fact, it was that connection which drove a split in my first ever relationship. The one thing that bugged me was why this connection meant so much, and why it would tug on my heart strings like it did. I needed to find out how the Gods would interact with me, and why they chose me.

Growing up in the family unit I did was pretty typical. We went to church or synagogue on Saturdays, shunned bacon eating people who worshipped on Sundays, and made sure that our connection to a big white guy in the sky was direct and shared. For some reason, the images of Jesus never resonated with me. I never understood how he was the biological son of the Christian God, but nonetheless I had to follow what my family insisted. It must be an old British thing, “Children must be seen and not heard.”

I used to have alone time to reflect on things, or if I was bad I was “sent away to think about what I had done,” into my aunts room. She is a very classy lady, only expects the best. Designer things everywhere, but she was a strict and modest matron, who ran things like the God fearing woman you witness in old Victorian novels. There were images of Jesus everywhere. Jesus on the cross; Jesus surrounded by thorny roses, and even Jesus sitting on a rock surrounded by children. I would often hope or wonder, if I stared at these images long enough he would jump out and bitchslap me for being a naughty girl. He never did, and that sparked my interest in who he was as a person and Gnosticism. I should say, my idea of Jesus being the son of God is a little strange because I believe he was a witch in his own right, one of the early Hermeticists (without realising) and I also believe his mother was told she was going to have a child of great importance as far as spiritually and enlightenment goes. In that sense, everyone who is willing to ditch conventional religions and give up being a slave to these man made and “access-only-through-mechanical-means” religions is a child of the Universe. (Obviously if you can find like minded friends like Jesus and Buddha, even Mathers and Crowley did, never let them go!) live free.


I found witchcraft a few years later… (I think 2 years later? I have a funny feeling this all happened that year I fell down Dunn’s River Falls… I’m pretty sure I was 9?), meh. I did all the typical things any budding academic witch did. I collected information from early websites and bought books after weeks of saving my pocket money, but believe it not, the one area that has been the easiest skill, never seemed important at the time. That skill or gift was being able to equate myself with deity. It was a few years before I even worked out a way to let deity into my life, without the use of magick. I guess those early years could be seen as my theoretical and lazy days. Some years later my bond with God grew to volumes I didn’t expect, and it has been an intimate journey since.

I fell into studying Buddhism, which lead me to understand that I needed to look within to find myself, but mostly to find my inner Buddha. What hit me almost straight away, was the notion that the Gods resided within me and within everyone else. The whole idea of connecting yourself to the Universe (thanks to yoga!) just made God seem more like the life essence that actually lived and vibrated in everything within and outside the universe. For me that meant God wasn’t a big guy in the sky, it was my heart, my finger, my breath. The grass, the trees, the puppies and the tiny molecules holding ice together. I guess, I’ve always looked to the Gods for inspiration and lessons, but my greatest lesson so far has come in the form of my HGA.

Now, I haven’t made actual contact with my HGA, or at least I don’t think I have. I didn’t even understand what one was until a few years ago. Just a reminder for the newer Thelemites out there, (I’m a beginner too), the Holy Guardian Angel is the angel we are all born with, it’s our higher self, rather than a literal angel with wings. It’s with us our whole lives, and it even plans what your personality and outcome in life will be, long before you were even fertilised. Think of it as The Fates little workers who reside with us. Your HGA (from what I gather so far) also guides you with any Magickal endeavour you do, and help you use and understand your consciousness and subconscious sides. You don’t even have to be Magickal to find it.

The other day I was sharing my most recent ideas with Mr Vamp about a ritual I am currently updating, but also to check my progress as a student. I told him how I believed that my HGA would come to me in many forms over the years, and I hadn’t realised how or why until now. At first it was Cernnunos, with his constant lulling in dreams, wanting me to follow him and understand where he came from. He was the first fertility deity who made me understand the non-literal side to magick. I found myself questioning if fertility also meant something else, rather than just baby making and gardening. What did fertility mean? I quickly summed up that fertility meant growth, whether it be spiritual growth, Magickal growth or academic growth. He came at a time when I needed him most, a time when I was growing up too fast, but he held my hand through it. I kept my head in books and took daily life and it’s struggles the best I could.

When I was fertile enough, he gently slipped away and sent me into the world of ancient Egyptian, Roman and Greek paganism, where I formed more bonds with deities over there. As most of you know, the most prominent were Sekhmet, Anubis, Apollo, Ra and Zeus. All of which I still work with today! More than anything, like Jesus, I didn’t see them for the beings they were, I saw them as facets of my HGA, elements of my being, lessons I needed to learn. I believe all this time, that the Gods came to me with the help of my HGA, sort of like a personal assistant or publicist, making sure only the correct deities cane into my life at valuable moments. That’s what made my magick raw and pure; I made it a personal mission to understand the base understanding of The Ultimate One, that drove me into the world I’m in now. I still remember that first spiritual ascension or initiation. When I feel good, bad or Magickal I only need to look inside, and draw in the extra forces from outside. The Universe may be big and mind blowing, but It left a part of itself in us. We only need to tap into it to see.

That’s also what helps me reaffirm my pantheist views. If any of you can get get hold of the preface to Alice Walker’s The Color Purple you’ll catch a glimpse of what life was like for me, and many folks around the world.

Sorry it’s so bloody long!!!

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Blocking Out the Unknown

I was going to title this post, What Paganism Means to Me, but realised that my view would confuse or annoy many. I have decided to dissect what paganism and the occult mean form one area I’m focusing on: Hermeticism.

When someone asks me what I would associate with Paganism I see four vivid images. Ancient Mediterranean practices from Greece, Italy stretching across to Egypt and the rest of Nubia, and parts of Israel up in the Middle East. I see an old Alexandrian world with gladiators, priests and priestesses and various members of the Babylonian world, marching forward and paving the way for almost all modern religions and beliefs today. On another angle I see the solitary magicians living their Hermetic lives in Therugy, penning their travels and scripts in secret all over early Europe before, during and after the artistic renaissance and Baroque ages. My third view would be that of Northern Europe in the slings of battle, against the mighty Saxons, Vikings and Norsemen—and the few battles with Germanic and Roman soldiers. My last view of paganism conjures up modern images of people with statues to the Celtic, Norse, Roman/Greek and Egyptian Deities, alongside fairies, books and Charmed DVDs.

Our world had changed so much, and it’s quite enthralling to see. But you see, that’s where I get a little inquisitive. Where did this modern view of doing things ‘the easy way’ come from? Why do people assume full rituals are pomp? I understand from an experienced occult point of view, the ‘pomp’ is actually needed to draw in energies the mundane dabbler could never raise or grasp. So in a way, I’m glad most practitioners of magick don’t know about old school and traditional magick, or ancient paganism. But, at the same time I wish I could share wisdom to the vast numbers and show them what real magick is. I’ve been close to giving up magick a number of times, but I’ve always held fast because the Universe made it obvious I’m destined for other stronger paths—even if I live my True Will alone.

Now, I’m someone who has to identify areas of failure or strength in order to learn the lesson for myself. On various websites and in some books, paganism is listed with or under the occult. I personally feel the two are different and similar at the same time. I think that if you want the occult to find you, start with either general witchcraft, magick and Hermeticism (Golden Dawn, Thelema, ceremonial magick and other paths that stem from free form practice like Shamanism; not modern Wicca as that involves lots of areas based on these older practices that have been watered down an awful lot, and I don’t have the time to strip it down yet).

Like I said here, paganism is all green and loving, whilst the occult shows the magician the good, the bad and the ugly, which in turn moulds a better equipped and full of ‘pomp’ practitioner. I love the pomp, and have done for years, hence why I had to give up on Wicca. My magick stems from the ancient world, true occultism. Magick that connects you to the Divine in ways that I never imagined. Over the past few months my practice of simple rituals like the LBRP have not only helped me understand the ritual each time I perform it, but I feel more connected to the Universe and angels than I have in the past. It’s wonderful and upsetting at the same time, but that’s expected and shows me I’m on the right path. I’d never change these lessons for anything else in the world.

What is it that scares you most about taking that vital step? You came out of the Broom Closet, and you will every time you meet new people, and you know how big a step that was. What is stopping you from unblocking what pure magick feels like? Now, don’t assume that magick will come easily, nor will you be able to practice as freely as you like without structure, guidance or ‘pomp’. That is the pure beauty of the occult. She’s a rare beauty you may pass a few times on your path, but unless she looks you dead in the eye, holding out her hand, you’ll never know what it’s like unless you give up blocking her out.

How do you know what’s out there if you don’t venture outside? I’m a traveler of magick, and proud. At the same time, I have noticed I don’t like it when ‘experts’ try to tell me if I’m wrong about understanding true traditional Hermeticism, when their only view is that of modern Wicca (5%) and old skool books they haven’t actually practised anything from. Oy vey!

I’ve seen the snobbery from both sides: occultists’ can’t stand modern eclectic dabblers because they refuse to forge a backbone, and discard thousands of years of freedom and magick for a quick fix. On the other hand, learning a lot about magick from as many areas as you can is a bore to most fast paced dabblers of today, and they feel it’s far easier to just stay within the circle once they’ve found their footing.

There is so much I could say about the occult, about how enlightening it is, and how sour it can be at times. For me, Thelema is perfect as it encompasses all of the first three ideas of what paganism conjures in my head from earlier. Wisdom, truth, magick and Hermeticism. I can smile knowing my idea of western Magickal systems is my practical reality. I perform rituals very similar to those of the priestesses and priests of ancient Egypt, Rome, Greece and Israel (without animal slayg. I can research old customs and pair them with my Golden Dawn witchcraft, Thelema and magick practices (as they are all very similar and are based on ancient rituals found and translated) to conduct rituals of personal intent. I have stepped into a world beyond my understanding but I’m happy for it. I’m learning so much, and carving what my personal idea of what the occult and paganism is to me.

What does it mean to you? What images come to mind when you think about the words paganism and occultism? Are they the same or different areas of the same garden?

I wonder… That’s all I do these days.

Sy, x x


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Love is Innate; Physically or Not

At least to me. Bare with me, this post will be weird, but I hope I get my overall positive message across. If you assume I’m moaning and groaning then I hope you leave this page; I only ask for a rational look and some guidance, and maybe a little sympathy—a trait I have not seen in even the closest of friends.

Okay, let’s start.

Quite recently I came to the conclusion that love with another is unbalanced and quite unfair for those of us who have never truly seen its face. It’s an area I have often battled with, questioning why we are left out, or if we would ever truly feel what even fleeting love is like. Many people have complained or told me off saying I’m being silly or over thinking too much. Fair enough, I take those little pieces of advice, but can you see why I find it hard to find a sort of equilibrium? Almost everyone who I have crossed, who have shared their words of wisdom are in relationships or have been. They aren’t 24 year old loners who only have themselves to question.

I’m empathic, and sometimes I love it because I can help people or even use it for spiritual meditations, other times I hate it because other Magickal folks I know have no experience with it or witchcraft. Whilst I can be next to someone and read them, it can get me into trouble sometimes! Haha! The one thing that I would regard as a gift only a few posses, like love, is sympathy. I find it easy to read others, and decide whether I will walk in their shoes to understand them. Once you start learning, you move up from one plateau to the next and forget how to come back down once in a while. People often forget what’s its like to be alone and loveless. To be frustrated and afraid. To have a broken heart and feel neglected at times. Only a few people have been kind enough to keep me positive, but I have met others who haven’t dealt with their own issues of abandonment, but see fit to judge me. Every man and every woman is a star. We are all stars in the sky—all part of the same eternal blanket. We all have to experience things the way we are supposed to, and love is a subject I look at under a new light.

This is where I get a little spiritual and mostly positive (and maybe delusional?). I have spoken briefly about a Goddess ritual I did a while back, in which I asked the Universe to open up the Goddess within me in order to see myself in a more real and positive light. I have loved looking at myself in the mirror since, and I feel even more relaxed about my person. I am who I am, and I’m glad I’m on this journey with myself. If I need to do things for myself, I do without worrying. I guess all in all, since I performed that ritual I have felt incredible. I don’t see my innate deity, or “inner goddess/god” as an actual being, it’s more of a spark that ignites itself every now and then, reassuring me my path is exactly how it needs to be. The more I open up my mind to who I am, what I want to be and how I am to feel without regret, the more I love myself.

Descartes often argued his notion of knowledge [of God] being innate on his meditations, one example would be his ‘Trademark argument”, in which he states that God is a tradesman or carpenter who leaves his trademark on his creations. Buddha often referred to his students that the only way to be enlightened or spiritual is to look inside yourself and find your own Buddha. New Age women say one needs to do the same and find your inner God/Goddess, and that’s what I am doing. I have come close to meeting that innate being who is currently teaching me a valuable lesson. Crowley referred to this being as the HGA, now I’m not 100% on this being as I thought previously so bare with me, but the more and more I dive deeper within, the more I love and the more I learn. In a way I have found my first true love, and that’s me. I need to let go of the materialistic ideal that some guy will come along and sweep me off my feet. I don’t see Sebastian Vettel or Aurelian Rougerie running down my street anytime soon…

I’ve been in a relationship with my spiritual self since the tender age of 11 and I hadn’t realised. The great thing is, regardless of how depressed and worrisome I had been, and how I will be every so often in the future, this innate being with its lifeline to the Ultimate Ancestor/God/Universe, loves me no matter what. That’s a great feeling. I have a reason to smile and a reason to be goofy and weird. I’m loved and that is perfect. Not everyone finds love in the way books teach, or the way all your friends or the strangers around you show. Love isn’t conventional, or at least that is how I see it. Nuns find love in God or Buddha. I find love in the little part of the Universe, in me.

I have a checklist of goals I want to accomplish in life. One is academia. I’m going to keep my head down and focus, be a better witch and Thelemite and most importantly be happy with myself (even with the odd ego inflation).

I’m loving this track right now, James Blake’s new single Retrograde



Looking Back, Very Briefly: 2012

Today is the 1st day of 2013. I’m noticeably anxious, worried, a little excited and thrilled. A friend I met earlier said I needed a drink, and to look forward to a year of potential success and triumph. I thought he was being nice and decided on two small shots of Jack Daniels, one large beer glass of water and a slice of cheesecake (I discovered cheesecake last year! And yes, I live in a cave.)

I’m sitting here, about to close my journal, nursing another small glass of Jack Daniels wondering what happened last year, and why this forthcoming year doesn’t feel the same. Last year I started to relax, love myself and search for who I really wanted to be. I came out of the spiritual closet, at least to myself, and anyone who was listening/reading as a Thelemite, Hermit and Witch. But as I think about what happened each month, and flick through the pages of my journal I have noticed how much I have grown. This year, I wonder what life will bring me?

Here is a super brief list of really amazing things that happened:
January – started to blog more, made friends with total strangers and decided on focusing on my future and career.
March – fell in love with Game of Thrones all over again!
May – finally bought Book 4 and Thelema and intense magick study commences.
August – I turned 24, but then again, that was quiet. Started a friendship with Mr. Vamp a lovely Irish Thelemite, who is not only incredibly intelligent, hot (à la, Jim Morrison) but he is patient with my crazy self.
September – went to the London Tattoo Convention with Miss Dating Queen Amy.
October – I started another 108 days of meditation, focusing on Hermeticism and stripping myself back to my core.
November – thought I had found a potential partner, but he rejected me quicker than an arsehole dumps a slut. Oh, I had sex for the first time in 3 years or so.
December – I practised rituals in a more concise manner, with some routine. I am determined to be a better witch in time.

There is so much more I could have included! My journal is proof, but alas I would jib jab on far too much. As for my hopes for 2013, I don’t have any major plans or hopes. I want to start university, be initiated into the OTO and travel more. I must say one thing: as love is a topic that pretty much left me crying myself to sleep most nights, I don’t think I want to think about it too much this year. I have a soft spot for three men in my life, but I know we’ll only ever be friends; they are intelligent, hot and way to good for me. If it happens that I meet a lovely guy then that would be great, but so far the Gods are making it very difficult; they want me to focus on my career and spiritual studies only. Thanks, I will do that.

What will 2013 bring? I don’t have a clue. Do you?

Sy, x


Preaching to the Wrong Crowd

Next year I am going to reshuffle my online life. Deleting unwanted people. Forever shutting off the ‘Add Friend’ button on Facebook, (I get a ton of people adding me, and then suggesting I should add their friends; for what? You don’t know me? Later…). From now on, if I am getting to know you and vice versa I’ll ask to add you. Anyway, that’s for another paragraph. I also need to write more, and accept that my path is taking me places I am too enthralled to keep to myself. Obviously, I have to keep a lot of my practices and personal feelings to myself, but thankfully I have come to realise I was preaching to the wrong crowd.

Actually, I always wondered why I was never able to fit in with other Wiccans, Eclectic Wiccans, New Age fanatics and calming pagans with my thoughts and theories, or my seemingly ‘over the top’ lust for pagan academia. Now I know. Mr. Vamp had to tell me. I was moaning about my ‘past life’ as a Wiccan in denial and he laughed, looked me dead in the eyes with his seductive blue pixels and said, (in a posh Irish accent) “You’re preaching to the wrong crowd! Oh my Gawd… You’ll find ears with us instead.”

One of my major plans for next year is to join the OTO, and look forward to working my way up from Minerval degree (guest degree) right up as far as I can for the rest of my life. This will be the first religious order I would actually mould to my practices, and the first religion I will mould my life. This will be the first order I will have an active role in, one that I have chosen for myself, rather than being brought up or forced into one. This will be the starting point of my religious life as it were; one half of my adult life.

I’m just waiting to hear back… The holiday season was the worse time to enquire! I had planned on doing a Golden Dawn style study for a year and a day before enquiring, but spiritual forces kept pushing me, a few OTO friends were saying how delighted they would be if I became a member, but Mr. Vamp topped it off by saying, “You’ll be our sister dar; join! (But only if you want to, though I know you will anyway you Leo, you).”

Other than that, its a waiting game. I knew this year would be special.

As for Facebook and other social networking sites, I am cleaning up early. Facebook is too personal and I have friends I talk to daily who I would love to see on my friends list. Twitter is just perfect, but like I said, I have wonderful friends on there I’d like to be on Facebook. I’m on Instagram, Tumblr, Lady Gaga (soon to be deleted as I don’t use it anymore) and YouTube. I have an official page on Facebook so I would prefer fans to go there for updates, blog posts and new videos, rather than clog up my friends list and never talk or reply to me. On more than one occasion I have been added to someone’s list, only to find out they’ve never watched my videos, read my blog or seen my website. It begs the question; why did you add me?

At the same time, these individuals then suggest friends who will never talk to me. This friend didn’t ask my permission let alone say they were suggesting someone. So I would accept just to save face. Now I just can’t be bothered; I’m there for me only. YouTube is a topic I can’t stop moaning about, with people selling their wares and making money like the Renaissance Popes charged citizens to repent. Modern Eclectic YouTube Wicca is a business, not a religion. I just hate when they say Gardner’s name; its blasphemy as far as I am concerned.

Things have gotten much better since coming out of the second closet as a Thelemite. A small group of occultists and pagan academics have written to me, shared information and I have been excited about delving into my studies. Like I said, like attracts like and I finally found my niche. I’m making friends and chatting away with famous and non famous OTO members and Thelemites. It has been a different kind of whirlwind; exciting and grounding.

As things are going the way my True Will has dictated, I need to strip off the old life as it were. What a better time to start. The New Year is approaching, and I have just finished the set up for the New Years Eve ritual to Janus. I’ll ask him to guide me through the veil and propel me forward into a life of Love, Law and Light.

Sy 93, 93/93 x