Sy Calaelen


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So, things have developed | Private Thelemite Update

I’m currently planning on new videos. I’ve been away for so long due to my university studies, but now that I’m finished and also having a week off before I’m bogged down with work over the summer I thought I would just let you folks know that I’m still here. I’ve been busy blogging and writing posts for my other blogs and I’m sorting out a small profile for another few websites whose editors have been asking for written pieces from me. Things were crazy hectic over the last academic year, but I enjoyed it for what it was. As for my spiritual side I had to slow down. A few things popped up which unfortunately no Thelemic text could help me with, which also lead to my understanding of the term and the various people I have interacted with over that period. I gave myself a chance to slow down and re-evaluate what I had already knew. Considering my last post and the great advice I received from my friends, and that knowledge of knowing what I was fighting against, I stopped, took a breath and continued on. I was also learning tons from my critical theory classes, so I was able to revisit psychological and political criticism and apply those to my understanding of Thelema in the modern world, and my own practices. I was growing, but in a separate pond than other magick practitioners and Thelemites.

The Hermit within

I’ve mentioned before, and will always continue to push the notion that people who practice magick should see themselves as magicians and hermits. They need to realise that they stand alone, they need to push themselves, and build a personal practice by themselves. It’s wonderful to meet people from various areas within the magick community but if you feel a sense of achievement which reveals that your current teachings need to evolve then don’t fight it, evolve. It is how you grow and become an outstanding magician. The only downfall is the inevitable loneliness that sometimes comes with it. I have found it helpful to discuss the odd topic with Mr Vamp, Mr Darcy and my other close friends in the last few years. You have to remember that I taught myself magick from the age of 11 so basic magick etc got old quick for me. I’ve taught myself and I feel great about that. The last few weeks have been quite the eye opener and I’m still trying to figure what it all means, though I have rough idea. It started with dreams and thoughts of Djehuty/Thoth constantly putting me in situations where I had no control, and the anxiety from those dreams would only dissipate once I let myself stop being so frantic and concentrated on some small physical deed, like controlling the breath or physically letting go of something. I had to apply psychological interpretation to my dreams to understand what my subconscious was trying to tell me. As usual, when your ego is scared of some major change it can skew your vision of the waking world, which for me lead to the confusion between my disciplined magick practices vs. my university studies. There were a lot things going on at the time and one major theme was not knowing where to set my sights for the future.

Djehuty is also known as father time, he knows the future of every single being before birth. The annoying yet educational feature with this is that you can go to him and ask about the future and he won’t tell you anything. He keeps his mouth shut to teach you a lesson, and because you shouldn’t keep your head in the future if you have no grasp on the present – in alchemical terms, there is not such thing as time. Take note that these teachings are Ancient Egyptian in nature, not the Orientalised version. I allowed his dreams to come and teach me some vital lessons as the changes occurred. Lately the general anxiety of not knowing what my future entails as far as my career choices and love life go are not so troubling, to cause issue with my studies anyway. At the same time I’ve allowed myself to focus on my studies and in doing so my practice became a lot easier to fit around my schedule – bear in mind all of it is magick, the practice and my studies. I was able to meditate, do mantra, banish and do ritual whenever, I just had to remind myself of the freedom. At the same time my spirituality had quite the impact on the physical self. I’m a fitness lover, and yoga fan, and I’m still a newish vegan. Other religious texts and teachings, especially those from outside of Thelema always insist that having a healthy lifestyle is key to a healthy magickal life. As with Thelema and the definition of magick I figured I would apply the spiritual mind to those aspects too. The definition of magick, with the “k” as below:

I. Definition MAGICK is the Science and Art of causing Change to occur in conformity with Will. –p. 126, Liber ABA

Crowley later gives an example that writing the introduction to Magick in Theory and Practice in Liber ABA is an act of magick in conformity with his Will, to teach and he acknowledges the tools in which he instilled his magick in at the time being the pen and paper. Crowley also gave other examples of what magick is, such as opening a door. For me the same could be said of what I do to keep my mind and body as balanced physically, mentally and spiritually – it becomes my Thelema. So I started providing small examples of my vegan dishes and fitness upkeep with an expected low understanding from folks. Most folks still consider magick as purely to do with spells and rituals. I’ve discovered that this is not so anymore.

Some things just aren’t Thelemic, or are they?

Apart from psychoanalysing my dreams and also tarot, a deity has also made himself known in my life. He is a deity I learnt about in the various stories from my Jewish and Seventh Day Adventist upbringing. He was never really touched upon much on the Christian side, but still, I forgot all about him until he started showing up. I started asking Thelemites if they could point me in the right direction of Thelemic texts that mention him but nothing came up. I was pointed in the direction of non-Thelemic concepts however, which I had previously looked up which were to do with the Qliphoth. Crowley had something say on those, but nothing in detail about this particular deity. I had to look up other information to satisfy my understanding. I continued to banish anyway, even though I wasn’t fully sure of why Moloch was coming to me. For those not in the know, Moloch is a God who you sacrifice your first born to. I’m child free so I didn’t understand how this theme would come up in my life. As I studied a little further it became apparent that I needed to undergo another lesson in letting go of my original understanding of Thelema due to the many Thelemites I had previously met. Their positions and understanding of Thelema no longer was something I was willing to try and apply to my practices. It just reminded me of the many spiritual people I had met who spend their whole lives searching for something that has always been there. They get old and lay on their death beds wondering if they lead a good spiritual life, reading, practising and regurgitating the old over and over learning very little and ignoring the outside world in the process, and that thought freaked me out. However, that statement does not describe the small number of Thelemites who seem to stay quiet and are at peace in their practices. These folks are quiet and prefer to only talk to like-minded individuals who are also living life in conformity with their Divine Will. In other words, they don’t follow trends and are free of political, egoistic and narcissistic behaviour and the over-zealous fundamentalist attitude that is rife within all spiritual communities, not just Thelema. I think I have learnt more from these silent folks than others, and I like their type of living.

At some point I would like to sit down and discuss with people the notion of what is Thelemic and what isn’t, and who says so. Purely to hear the replies.

Djehuty, Anpu, Moloch and the Hermit all symbolise the change I need to go through again. Or rather the return to a path without strings. I got so caught up trying to meet as many Thelemites, and trying to discuss ideas and phenomena the same way I do with my main Thelemic friends, that I saw the major culture differences and in so I felt that I found the reason why so many people eventually leave particular orders and the spiritual movement. Djehuty taught me to stop and live in the moment. The Hermit and Anpu reminded me that life is tough and I will persevere regardless. Moloch reminded me to let go of the Capitalist nature of the modern occult world. I’m a well practised magician and that needs to come first always. There’s a divide. Thelema, like many religions, is based on other religions and religious practices. However, if you come into the Thelemic world with a wealth of knowledge then studying Thelemic texts will be insightful, yet you will always know if you want something deeper you go elsewhere. Thelema will point you in the right direction and it is up to you to go in that direction and work on your Great Work, or like many magick practitioners you can sit within the circle and refuse to go out and smell the roses. Either way, as long as you are aware of what you are doing and how you do it, it is all Thelema. I see magick in exercise etc. It’s all magick. It’s all Thelema. However, I gather tons of knowledge from other sources, but their methods are what I would call magick. Since Thelema is based on other practices and theories, then Thelema too is magick. For me, I’m just a magician who happens to be inspired by all kinds of magick. It took me a while to get back to this place, and I’m grateful for it.

So here’s the thing: I will still say I practice my own version of magick. I am an occultist who is inspired and educated by so much, especially subjects outside Thelemic thought. However, even though I won’t openly say I am a Thelemite anymore, rather opting for magician, I am practising magick that is line with my Will and Divine Will regardless of other strings and labels. I’ve been told in the past that I can’t be a true Thelemite because I openly practice Buddhism, yoga, mantra, I still enjoy dipping into my childhood religions and drawing conclusions on them. At the end of the day, Crowley did his thing and felt he couldn’t work with a lot of stuff. At the same time he experimented, the way other Thelemites ought to. Just because he hated Buddhism based on his own experiences, does not mean that those observances are applicable 100 years later. I have found something incredible, and it’s for me and me alone.

In LVX and NOX, Em Hotep!


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Things Are Looking Up | Update

I haven’t been around much online, publishing or posting anything. I haven’t finished the three books I started either. The workload for uni got a little much but I’m focusing on getting as much preparation work done between now and the short research period – which basically means reading ahead as we have our reading lists at the ready.

I’ve also been dealing with a police issue that has shaken me quite a bit. Again, for those in the know I’m not bouncing back as quickly as some folks would like, but that’s the problem with being an online figure. If folks had gone through the things I’d gone through as a teenager they would understand why I can’t bounce back so quickly. I’m tweeting when I feel okay and doing the odd bit on my culture Tumblr for those who want to know what’s up. I’m hoping to post a picture from a lecture I attended today.

As for lectures, a commenter and my boyfriend reminded me that I’ve been looking at juggling spiritual practice and university work all wrong. I needed to step back and see that living my GW already and just need to focus my attentions on the fact that my studying is my magick right now. I’m still doing the odd daily ritual though – gotta keep the magick flowing through ritual and exercise!

Anyhoo, a super quick update. Nothing major. I’m posting on my culture blog and culture Tumblr more, but most people within the magick community still separate magick from life which is why I separated the very magick things that keep me magickal – the occult, critical theory, being a student and books (lots of books and art).

Thank you to everyone for the great advice, as mentioned I’ve gotten so used to not being around people and so used to people not listening to me IRL that I’ve found it hard to ask for advice. I always go looking for answers myself. This time I need you folks and you came through. Thank you.

Back soon!

 
In LVX 93, 93/93


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Juggling Spirituality is Hard at the Moment

I’m going to admit something I have kept a secret for a long time: I’m struggling at university and struggling spiritually. I have left the odd hints here and there about how busy I am, and how unconfident I am of late. University is an experience unlike anything I had hoped to experience, but it has also taught me how to organise my life more effectively. My problem is juggling it all, and the fact that writing academically has knocked my confidence so much that I cannot bring myself to write anything or upload new content. It has been quite the struggle even though I try to stay positive in/with the things I do publish. I am a nutty kind of person, dealing with general mental issues and trying to learn how to socialise. At the moment it’s all rather too much but I am trying to hold it all together the best I can.

 

As some of you know I’m a second year university student studying English literature which combines history, philosophy, weird algebra styled formulas, basic linguistics, tons of research, writing and reading. I love the course, on paper. I love attending my lectures, seminars and workshops. I also really love the teaching style from some of my lecturers, who are very inspiring and incredibly helpful. Starting the second year I knew it was going to be harder, and a lot was going to be considered as far as timetabling, scheduling and keeping up with the reading lists each week. I had to prioritise how and what I was going to study, and how to write effective essays. I hadn’t banked on how difficult academic writing was going to be but I have been learning all kinds of tips along the way. The annoying thing is coming to the realisation and acceptance that the one talent I had held onto and honed in on was my writing and I was proven to be awful at it. Being shown and told that I don’t know how to write has been heart-breaking and causing a lot of anxiety for me. I’m not sure how or what I’m missing but I wish I could flick a switch and be truly amazing.

 

I’ve had to start all over again which has meant that my detailed journal entries in my book of conjurations has dwindled. I make sure to write every week without fail, but I don’t go into detail in fear that I’ll not understand my own thoughts later on when I do my six monthly catch up. I do however try to remain positive in my thinking and my actions. Every act is an act of magick after all, so retraining my mind has been the most important thing for me right now. I make sure to pull tarot cards a few times a week, and I meditate at least once and I’ve even started seeing my exercise routines to be a form of magick – diet and exercise is key to maintaining a healthy temple. I know that sounds weird but I’ve never been one who leads two lives. A lot of magick practitioners do lead two lives and that is fine, but for me I like knowing that anything I do, read, watch or take part in is a form of spiritual education or attainment. I allow myself to see magick everywhere, but in doing so I also allow myself to be human in times when the world feels shaky or when the ground is crumbling beneath my feet.

 

Juggling a spiritual life has been something I’ve worked hard at for a long, long time. It has also been my own thing, in the sense that it was something I created and it suited me. I’ve spent so long being solitary, and a slightly shorter time hearing about and learning from other magick practitioners, and it has been great. I’ve built up a world that was indestructible and fit me and my understanding of the world perfectly. Of late I haven’t been able to talk to other like-minded individuals, and the ones I have tried to have a general chat with are equally as busy so I retreat into my shell and don’t bother. There have been a few folks however who get access to who I am offline and they have shaken up my world so much that I no longer feel confident in the things I had spent so much time and effort building for myself. Just like my writing they don’t see how pushing me here and prodding me there is causing even more of a rift. I feel as though I’m being told what to do instead of just being accepted and left to my own devices. I’ve always been an inquisitive person, but I could never learn to do the things I did if I wasn’t given a chance, and at the same time I would never dream of trying to change someone else’s path unless they were genuinely doing something wrong or harmful to themselves or other people. I’m again crippled and at a loss. Do I continue to trust myself as I have done for so long, or do I learn not to for the sake of being accepted and moulded into something else? How do I cope with it all?

 

I don’t have an awful lot of time, especially as I thought I’d try to be clever and get as much reading done as possible during term 1. The workload is hefty and somehow, each week I manage to complete everything. I cram daily and on average manage a good 5 hours sleep. The unfortunate thing is knowing my daily rituals have lacked so much. I know I have stressed in the past that something like Liber Resh takes 5 minutes, but back then I didn’t realise how long 5 minutes can be. During my first year I was able to do Resh easily, but this year it has been very bad and I accept that. Our average reading time each week is 40 hours, minus research time and classes, so assuming I can just fit certain tasks into particular hours is impossible. One novel for one of my classes will take an average of 12 hours to read fully and I can’t slot that into “Wednesday reading”, times that by 2 for the remaining 3 classes. Do you see my issue?

 

I just know I’ll be back on track after my graduation in 2016. For now, it is merely a case of juggling the tiny bit of a spiritual life that I have, university workloads and trying to maintain my sanity. Not being able to do the one thing I held so dearly has caused so much secret anguish, terror and anxiety that it is holding me back. I’m not yet sure what to do, and people know I don’t talk about my problems. The negativity, the loneliness, the stress and those annoying colourful ideas that cross my mind demanding my attention stop me in my tracks. When I do grab the odd few minutes outside of studying and spiritual practice I like to do general human things and upload random selfies (which many have complained about, but I won’t stop because I do those pictures for me and my incredibly low self-esteem, which actually is healing my mind a little), cook a few times a week, squeeze in a couple newspaper articles or Tumblr and Tweet things I find interesting. To me this all makes me feel happy, and that happiness gives me the little push I need to get up and study a little more. I’m struggling hard for something major goal in the future; I don’t know what it will be but I want something I can say I worked hard by myself to attain, something that cannot be taken from me, something of my own doing.

 

Will I look back on my life and be proud of myself? Yes. Would I be able to remember the times of boredom that struck when I had successfully completed essays or copious amounts of research? Yes. Social life? Nope, I’m not one for socialising as I genuinely don’t know how to be sociable and likeable.  I’m in a weird place at the moment. I will try and get back on track at some unknown point, but for now I will have to allow myself to be a regular, not-so-magickal human for a while.

 

Fingers crossed, Sy

93, 93/93

'8 Mile' - Life is a struggle


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Like Discussing Books About Magick? Got a Goodreads Account? Yay!

I set up a book discussion group thing on Goodreads for those of a magickal nature. There were 2 that I came across that had a lot to do with Thelema and the occult but they were inactive. I figured I would create one for all magick and occult practitioners. I love books in general, and I also love Goodreads so I thought, “why not put them together?”. Just follow the link below and discuss and share! It should be fairly easy for me to follow updates as the app is on my phone, and it doesn’t annoy me like Facebook does 😄

Magick and Occult Books

Magick and Occult Books on Goodreads - Just click the link above

Magick and Occult Books on Goodreads – Just click the link above

Sy, 93s


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Young, Female, Thelemite | Babalon and Me, Part 2

Babalon - Scarlet Woman

Babalon – Scarlet Woman

 

What does Babalon represent? How do I sing her praises, as it were, and what makes her stand out in my understanding of Thelema? From my own notes and ideas on this glorious Being I have come to a personal understanding of who she is. Whilst Thelema is a new path for me, and seeing how other women and men within this community have bonded together, I wanted to document my struggles with understanding my own femininity and skin, at least for this year anyway. For now I thought I would share the second part of my theory, which briefly outlines how I’ve come to know Her by knowing myself on a physical and mental (emotionally subjective) level.

One thing that does get me, which may come across as just a general moan, but when one reads about Babalon without reading the texts and digesting the information, people assume she represents just sex. I mean look at the image for this post, and then type in her name into Google or something and you’ll see sexual images of a naked lady, or members of the current red-headed brigade. All beautiful, all artistically powerful and thought provoking, but on a literal scale, it’s just naked women. I like to assume I have the eyes of a culture fan, someone who appreciates and understands art, so I don’t see anything pornographic in her. I see erotica on a small level, but I see what it she represents – liberation. The unfortunate issue with the lack of understanding symbology often means that people who are interested in Thelema, or new to it assume all female Thelemites’ are whores, which is totally untrue. Plus, on a personal note the word “whore” is getting old, and I genuinely do not care if I meet someone who loves a lot of sex, I love a lot of books. One fella commented on a photo asking if he were to become a Thelemite, would it mean he’d have women eagerly lining up to have coitus with him. My personal answer would be no (sorry pal, most of us ladies enjoy sex as we are liberated through Babalon, but our spidey-senses go crazy when a sleaze approaches *mic drop*). There is so much more to Her than her cup, and so much more to Thelema than just sex. I have yet to discover the other aspect of her personality as the Scarlet Woman (physical vessel as if were).

Babalon, with her most common understanding is the personification of the “liberated woman.” She represents that inner fire we are told to quell and control from a young age. Many, if not all popular religions don’t like the idea of change, or anything that could cause individualism. Those are seen as blasphemy and fearful. If a woman wants to write, let her write. If she wants more than one lover, let her. If a person, or woman, wants to delve into a deep passion that causes them happiness without harming another, let them. Why should they be stopped? These are the sort of questions and ideas I have written down on various pages when I rant about spending a few minutes with her. I know I have a passion for certain things in life, and I intend on running toward them, and at the same time I am coming into myself as I grow and that’s important.

When folks read and study texts concerning the other titles she is given such as “whore”, it causes a slight confusion. Why would you want to awaken that side of your mind if being open and liberated is frowned upon in today’s society? The names and words used to describe would make most people shudder with shock, and if given the chance to read something like Liber Samekh it would surely leave a horrid and bitter taste in the mouth – if you do read that book try not to go for the literal written words, try and ask yourself things like, “What do certain words actually mean?”. From my personal musings on this subject I have come to realise that politics and the philosophy of controlling female empowerment and behaviour was and still is a predominant ideology. Girls are taught from a young age how to live and behave, and anyone outside that is instantly labelled a “rebel”, “strange” or “whore” for preferring to listen to themselves instead. We are taught that the natural and uncontrollable elements of nature should be kept behind the curtains. I aim to continue listen to my intuition, that gut feeling, those almost inaudible whispers from my HGA, as well as being the curious individual I am. It shouldn’t have to take Babalon to show you that the most crude elements of societal expectations and magick to see how ridiculous it all truly is. Ra-Hoor help us if someone discovers they actually enjoy something as natural and frowned upon as masturbation. We are taught to dislike the natural elements of our body, and Babalon represents how we should stop contradicting ourselves, after all we are human. We are humans living a natural and spiritual experience. I acknowledge this, and like to share it with her.

As I’ve whined on both blogs a few times, I’m a very late bloomer, and I currently love and hate it. Whilst most people were having sex, flirting their way around a parking lot or having deep conversations over popular media trends my head was in books, writing or studying film, literature and magick. Whilst most pagan and occult folks were neck deep in drumming songs for meditation or performing sex magick with lovers, I was deepening my understanding of tarot and my position in the Universe. I will happily and openly admit I fear social situations and most people in general, so you can imagine the latter half of the last 26 years were spent in therapy and my house (thank god for the internet). It wasn’t until I started studying sex magick and Thelema two years back that I really had to stop and really listen to my body. I had to make the decision to start getting to know it better, on my own, before trusting anyone else. For those in the know, I have also managed to combine the whole “survivor mentality” to understanding my own liberation too, and it’s been quite rewarding. Trying to connect myself with the goddess was going to be a hard task, but I was determined to be with her.

Since then I haven’t done a great deal. Every now and then I’ll write up commentaries that relate to the first two texts I’d really studied in my early days, Liber Cheth vel Vallum Abiegni and Of Our Babalon, and of the The Beast whereon She Rideth. I’ve written the odd commentary on particular verses for my journal, and I like to keep my knowledge going when studying the Thoth Tarot. It’s important to me to keep studying the history of her existence, but also to read about how she was represented as the Scarlet Woman for ritual. When I’m not studying I like to assimilate my femininity with hers. I dedicate time with my yoni to her, and her other forms (Sekhmet and Nuit – just general female facets of the Universe) by drawing talismans or sigils in the air, or on my body, or visualising them when I’m in the heat of the moment, and finish by thanking myself. Like I mentioned in the previous post, She is in me, I in her, and so these precious moments remind me of her power on a smaller scale, and that makes me a whore of the Universe too.

I’ve only ever planned my ideal rituals, with her imagery as part of their makeup, but I have yet to meet someone who’ll love me the way I love myself. Until that day arrives I will continue to liberate myself mentally, physically and sexually. I won’t learn to feel the fire of freedom until I do. As for learning how to actually have sex, that’s for the other blog.

Sy


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Young, Female, Thelemite | Babalon and Me, Part 1

There are so many areas of politics that do not allow the female body to be seen, let alone worshipped, or her spirit honoured without some sort of advisory warning (#FreeTheNipple anyone?). So imagine an even smaller world within pagan and occult circles where such matters are seen equally, so long as it adheres to the guidelines set by modern beauty politics; light objectification of the female body (only ever between skinny and fat, never the inbetweens or “skinny-fat” like myself), European beauty standards on all levels of looks and personality (Isis is favoured because she is a mother, but make sure to cut out any major traits that simulate her with Egypt and Africa, and stick with lightening her skin tone, and definitely no Sekhmet because she’s wild and clearly “black”). But like most modern spiritual paths and religions, honouring the female, and obviously honouring myself, is slowly becoming accepted and expected. People are slowly coming to understand the true notion of duality, in nature, ourselves and in spiritual beings (deities, elements, nature etc). With the way people are being influenced daily it will be a while before a large number of us actually put duality into practice. So Babalon then? Where does she fit into my life? And how open can I be about my love for her? Let me think.

Babalon is Our Lady. She is a spirit, a force, an energy etc. something limitless and outside of time. Think of her as the female version of “God”. His equal, his counterpart, himself as a woman, the calm at the base of a fire, and the fuel at the same time. She is everything. She is in everything. She is half of one. In my head she represents the inner animalism and desire of the psyche. Think of the Thoth tarot, Atu XI Lust, that is her. She rides on the back of the seven-headed beast from Revelations (you can totally be a Christian Thelemite, trust me it’s a lot easier than you think), holding her Cup (there are many connotations of what the cup symbolises, but we shall stick with the womb and creation). She is the culmination of all human behaviour, good and bad, and she is freedom personified. See why she’s so highly celebrated amongst Thelemites?

If you remind yourself of Liber AL vel Legis, with the popular verse “there is no god but man,” one could easily assimilate the notion that if God is around, inside and outside of us, then so are other beings like Babalon. Babalon is, to me anyway, the personification of our psyches’ regardless of gender. She captures the Zeitgeist of ritual, and that warm and electric feeling when you’re on your own honouring yourself. She is that sacred place centred on the body, the yoni, that fire that draws on the linga.

My early awakening around who god was, and how it was to be perceived often centred around the pagan notion of the goddess —hence why the gods were ever present, my brain was clearly trying to teach me a model to apply equally later on. For years I could never connect myself with the goddess properly (according to the popular guidelines of separating humans from gods), but I had always been lucky in honouring her in my own private way. To me understanding the goddess meant understanding that I was also a goddess, a concept at the time that seemed kind of comforting and yet so otherworldly. I did not like the idea of separating genders nor separating the gods from who I was. Whilst most pagans would dance around a flowery circle screaming and singing the name of various goddesses, I was practising kundalini yoga by myself, I was teaching myself how to be more of a woman, and I was also enjoying loving myself. I wasn’t part of the group and I knew deep down that for the rest of my life I was never going to be. I learned to love myself by understanding the goddess and god.

But to add another theory, whilst women have a cup (with which we must fill or exercise often), men also have half of that mentally. How can you honour the god by ignoring that side of yourself? Same as how can you honour the goddess if you ignore that side too? Remember, Nuit cannot function without Hadit, and vice versa. (Just a theory guys, at this stage in my two year Thelemic career I am bound to fuck up!) Maybe then, that’s the reason why I’m such a weird kind of woman, on a quest to find love. I know it sounds strange or super juvenile but I want a linga to join my yoni someday, but for now Babalon is reminding me that I already have that push and that confidence I need to open up and love myself, by myself or with a partner. Bearing in mind Babalon is not all about sex or sexual activity, but more about the desires and the knowledge, and the freedoms that you wish to know, from the inside.

Imagine my surprise, after falling in love with Thelema when all of my “unconventional/clearly-not-part-of-the-circle-gang” practices were celebrated and allowed regardless of ethnicity and gender. Sure there’s Crowley and his annoying habit of being once being human (he’s a dead human now folks) with his likes and dislikes, his contradictory racism, and his secret love of painting black prostitutes when frequenting America (as far as I know only one painting remains out of the collection that he did), but there is more to Thelema than just the man who reminded us of this path. (Background information: Crowley didn’t quite invent Thelema, as it’s always been there for centuries, but he was responsible for ironing out the kinks and tying up loose ends). It’s such a lovely notion to think that even though I am “out-of-the-loop” within Thelemic circles, that some of my friends do remind me that I have Babalon inside too (you know who are, and I love you for that too). I have fallen for something that I see myself in, even if it’s under the surface.

Thelema has solidified my personal growth, whether it be through Liber AL vel Legis, Liber Oz or honouring Hadit and Nuit, or the other many things out there. Speaking with all kinds of women from the Thelemic world I have found two modes of thought: 1) Your gender doesn’t matter so much, Her inspiration lives within everyone and she reminds us of that drive to keep pursuing our dreams and desires, and 2) Even though you don’t fit current ideals, Balalon is there to be worshipped in all Her forms, regardless of her popular images. Honour her by honouring yourself. I know I definitely don’t fit Old Æon beauty ideals, let alone political ones, but within the Current flow I know I am Babalon, she is me, we are god, and so are you.

In nomine Babalon. As above, so below.

Sy

Babalon

Babalon – MisterChuck tagged me in this photo I was so pleased. I don’t feel left out within Thelema – not too much anyway.


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The Importance of Disciplining Myself During Dark Times

“To all applicants it prescribes study; definite, hard study. The same kind of study as is asked for of those who would be doctors, lawyers, engineers, soldiers or even cab-drivers.” – Aleister Crowley, ‘Equinox Vol. 4 No. 1’

Putting myself through an almost rigorous, self-taught method of practice has pushed me further than I ever thought I would go. If someone told me I’d be the woman I am now when I was younger I probably would have laughed. I remember daydreaming as a child about one day donning a ritual cloak casting a circle for some powerful conjuration. I wasn’t sure if any of that would, or could ever be true. Pushing myself from the tender age of twelve, I have carved out my own niche within the world of magick, and the discipline can be both rewarding, and a comfort in dark times. There is a joy with having discipline, especially when taking myself away from my online endeavours, and the negativity it tends to generate. I would be lost without discipline, so here’s my reasoning on why it has been a life saver in the last few weeks, especially with still being new to Thelema and combining it to what I already know and practice.

Like most children I had after school activities to attend in order to keep an active lifestyle, and to push my intelligence further. I wasn’t the smartest child at school, but the intelligence I did have didn’t meet any of the goals expected of me. I was labelled a creative child, which meant I learnt things at a slightly slower pace than most, and I had to attend various extracurricular activities so I could continue being interested in my schooling. I was first inducted into a private language school to learn French from the age of 6 two days a week after my normal school days, and I continued to speak it fluently for many years after. I was taught to read and write from before I started school, alongside dance, elocution and good grammar. I guess, looking back, I’ve always had a big brain, but I’ve only ever been interested in practical subjects which meant whatever I learnt stayed locked up. In a way the discipline and structure I was taught became second nature. I applied this same structure toward most other activities, including my desire to educate myself on the teachings of mysticism and magick.

It’s a well-known fact that if you’re passionate about a particular subject you tend to excel in it. It could be anything from gardening, or having a talent for cooking. For me it’s the study of magick, literature and philosophy. Any time I have a few moments to myself I make sure I immerse myself in reading and practice. I like referring to the above quote to remind myself of the hard work I’ve put myself through. The unfortunate thing with allowing the public to see a tiny proportion of who I am, and letting them know about my practices has come at a price. I’m often reminded how lonely living on this path can be, even though I have a small number of friends and a couple best friends who know exactly what it’s like to be on a level where you’re on the outside due to not living up to the expected norms of other practitioners. This doesn’t hold me back though. I look back on my life so far and I’m happy about the places I’ve been with my study. I’m constantly growing, constantly developing new techniques for myself and correcting my mistakes. It’s all about that push, and that structure.

Without discipline I have no idea where I would be now, and it’s a comfort. I have often thought that maybe I would have given up on the magick life around the age of 14 or 16 when I was going through seriously hard times. Even the other day when I caught wind of my online bits and bobs being criticised by members of the larger community – who are supposed to help struggling people, rather than privatising their hatred – I felt the need to make my regime even more prominent as I headed toward another brick wall. Discipline means to apply stoic thought, keep your head down and keep working – everything else doesn’t matter as it is out of your control, especially if you have no hand in it – or if you do, accept that you have put it out there. You can’t make a river flow backwards.

Discipline leads to freedom as they say (or at least my old music headmistress used to constantly say to her students), and you cannot see the greatness in something you’ve created unless you put the work in – and sometimes it is needed regardless of whether you enjoy the subject or not (think school). I yearn for that feeling of peace, that freedom, and I’ve been lucky enough to know what those little moments are like when I completed something I’ve worked on for a while. I cannot tell you the peace I felt when I performed my first LBRP properly. Or the time I did all three parts of the four part Liber Resh, and immediately went into the LBRP after weeks of not having done so due to experiencing a depressive low. The relief, the excitement of knowing that I hadn’t forgotten one step filled me with such an overwhelming emotion that I fell to the floor in a flood of tears. I still have it. I know I have what it takes to keep going. I wrote up the events from that day the following morning, as the midnight Resh made me super knackered, but I remember flicking through the back pages and noticing I still made sure to keep my reading diary updated, though I hadn’t updated it in a while. I’m usually vigilant in keeping my journals up to date, especially as I will develop all kinds of knowledge that I’ll need to stay in constant flow with, and because I collect Moleskine journals and they are bloody pricey.

Even if it something as small as updating my journal, performing Liber Resh vel Helios, or doing yoga, I make sure to keep the routine going. If magick is already in you, and of magick flows all around, then every single thing you do is, and must be a magickal act. I’m aware of my own magick, and aware of the tiny effects it has within. It’s the feeling I guess, of knowing I’m being rewarded for my own work. Everyone should feel the excitement of doing their own work. It’s great! I’m not entirely sure what it means to be modern magician, but I’m getting there as a friend has pointed out in our conversations (Love ya Mr Vamp). It’s good to know I’m not far off. My enthusiasm and discipline have also meant I’ve made a few new friends who are willing to help me whenever I’m lost. To me it’s all passion.

But like I’ve stressed enough, I have found that continuing the need to carry out my regime means throwing myself in head first with making sure I fully understand the theory and practice of other rituals, philosophies and general theorising. Instead of allowing myself to wallow and feel crap about how my hard work is under fire for being that little bit daring. Discipline has kept me in shape, and it has helped me deal with this low period, even if it has been a slow comeback.

I need to continue staying focused, I’m not giving up on years of knowledge and practice just yet – even if that means erasing parts of my online works.

Through L.L.L.L.L.

93s

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Made by an Awesome Buddy