I would say I’m mostly positive about life and my spiritual ventures. I always have the importance of staying connected/keeping on track about everything I do. For me, and that of the life of the Egyptian Pharaoh, each day is a ritual. Everything I do must have an outcome that starts with me and ends with the continuous flow of emitting energies back into the great beyond. I know that sounds daft, but again, think of the Hermetic axiom “As above, so below; so below, as above.”
I have educated myself for years. I’ve seen things, heard things and even experienced amazing moments of understanding and clarity. These experiences have become a normal part of my life, so much so they became very private. I was in my own world, and I let my spiritual lessons take me where they needed me to go. I didn’t realise then that I was living out my life as a Star; being the centre of my own universe. I didn’t realise until recently that the times when I had failed at something I was beating myself up when I should have just got back up and started again sooner rather than later. Anything I did, was for me and me alone. I didn’t have any formal teachers, nor did I allow myself to describe minute details to people I had met over the years because I felt I just didn’t need to. It was around the long and dismal days, when I was trying to flush out Wicca from my system in order to have a long hard fresh look at myself that a deep seated anger began to grow. I became angry toward the practices I had learnt. I didn’t understand the methodology behind certain expectations and rituals, and even spells. I used to look at other people and wonder why they were having “out of this world” experiences, and then back at myself and wonder why I had such a theoretical brain. Why did some people see fairies and I couldn’t? Yet, even if I had worked out a way in which such visions could come to me, to what purpose would this help me find my way back to Adonai? Early on I developed the notion that each person has their own purpose in life – unfortunately some people have a need and desire to question and study everything thoroughly first, and that is also where my issue lies.
Without going into details as to why I cannot stand what Wicca has become, and how some of the people I have seen promoting it are fully aware what they are doing isn’t going to help someone become enlightened. I just get annoyed at myself for worrying during the days when I was one of tiny few who didn’t do very much magick because I felt I didn’t need to. In other words, I used to worry and fret that I wasn’t a good enough wiccan, pagan or witch because I didn’t see the logic in using magick for every little piece of misfortune that befell me – especially If I could sort it by myself without too much effort. When the occult finally opened its doors to me, I began to learn a lot about the universe, about the inner meanderings of the mind and the complexities of philosophy. My eyes were opened even wider, if those are the correct words to describe this feeling of aging. Why hadn’t I found this profound wisdom within the depths of Wicca, and a few other religions I tried my hand at. Why wasn’t there a stable maxim of its own creation? Thelema has the fundamental essays and books one should study hard, and never put down until death. I used to wish I could help folks see the world in a different light, make them open their eyes and smile at what they saw. These days I know I can’t, and I most probably won’t be able to as following something blindly without doing your own in-depth research is popular, and too normal for any development and change. Its sad, but that’s life. I’m just going through this phase in order to move forward. The anger has grown inside, but thankfully it is tame.
I have spent a great majority of my time studying and devouring all kinds of knowledge and truths. After practicing and testing out various methods for myself, it was normal for me to keep the lessons that stayed true in my heart and mind. I would put the lessons I didn’t need on the back burner, assuming I may need them in the future; these days I definitely don’t. It’s all part of growing up and evolving. So why then, is it that people who study as hard as I do wind up feeling angry about the long trip we had to take? Looking back I realise I had to go through all of that success and equal headache in order to get to where I am, and I understand that ten years from now I’ll probably curse 2013; who knows? I am still very used to studying hard, on my own. The few times I have asked for help I’m either totally ignored, or it is implied I shouldn’t ask anything. These day’s I freeze up when I come across something that baffles me, but its fine, I spent the first twelve years of my life finding the answers myself, so what’s another twelve? I’m I am proud once I find the answer, that’s for sure.
All I can say at this point is how tough stripping my old life will be. Brace yourselves – my new found confidence means I am not going to be reserved with my honesty. Things are changing, for the better.