I’m not sure if this is a rant or just a random demon needing to let go of my chest, but being happy and living happy is cool.
This year is my year, as stated back in January. I put my all into studying, saving up and getting my life in order. I needed to take control in a systemised manner, instead of living life in the mess it was. I started to change my view on self control and growth when I had to be figuratively shaken by a few friends, Mr Vamp and GuruJonboi mostly. On separate occasions they had to force me to listen to myself again, instead of going off kilter following all the theories and idioms that came my way. The last two years have been amazing. I have been awakened to so much, and have met tons of people. Opportunities have come my way and I’ve started to accept that I’m not a bad person after all. I’m also noticing my mind has matured in a manner in which I feel I’m finally becoming a true adult. I know, I’m already an adult, but I’ve been stuck in the in-between for sometime – trying to hold back the onslaught of true adulthood.
I’ve gone from one extreme to the other, in a broad sense, going from a confused little woman living in denial to the bright and intelligent magician I am now. I know there is much more for me to learn, to ponder and practice and I guess allowing myself to have control over my life means these valuable lessons will come easily. I won’t be allowing my shadow or “dark passenger” (yup, too much Dexter) to stand in my way – if anything I’ll let it walk with me, by me but never in front. Only I can do that.
For the first time since I was 13 I actually feel free, happy and light (I’m not saying teenage years are responsible just to get that out of the way). I lost control and learnt very slowly to grow up and put my life back together. Looking back, it was hard but boy I am thankful for the struggle. I’m twice, maybe three times harder than I was. I no longer feel broken and I felt I needed to share it in some way. I started sharing my happiness in the hope that my memory would be backed up via my blog (set up in 2005) and YouTube videos (2009). I’ve grown a lot since then.
It’s grown quite hard to keep my happiness to myself. I’m used to smiling, and giving people the benefit of the doubt (before they eventually let me down), but recently it has come to my attention that I need to find people who are willing to be happy for themselves, and happy around me – I feel happier with myself then too. I’m one of Plato’s fractured creatures wanting to be whole (Dexter again… Series 5). How do you maintain happiness, without looking smug or a silly weirdo like me?
It’s becoming a bit of an issue. I love been happy, but my smiling and unashamed shyness is annoying people. Before, I would get annoyed at myself and try to live by the emotions of other people, but these days I know I’m better than that. I just don’t know how to smile, and not make it so obvious. Another lesson me thinks!
Random post, like I said. Meh. Ideas please!