I’m still very new to Thelema, but over the years I have had a weird desire to write about my experiences as a practitioner of witchcraft and the occult. As you see, I have a blog and a YouTube channel that I dedicate time to share information and learn things. I buy and review books when I can, recommend titles and have been writing manuscripts for my future works. None of them are perfect, nor do they follow a particular method and I’m only one person living this life.
I have met a lots of people either through Instagram, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter purely on the basis of a mutual respect for the occult or Aleister Crowley. None of us follow the same path, but we are inquisitive folks who want to be happy. One way I have made someone aware of my beliefs is my therapist – as many of you now know. Thanks to me he now owns The Book of the Law and Moonchild. He’s not religious or anything but he likes philosophy and these books are great. I also use particular verses from Liber AL and the Equinoxes to reaffirm ideas or queries friends are having trouble with. They aren’t Thelemites, but I give them my two pennies so they know that universal Law isn’t prohibited.
I’m a lover of tattoos, and have always been in love with them since I was small. Growing up we had friends of the family who were either tattooists or were covered head to toe in art. I grew up knowing one day I would get something meaningful and beautiful. Recently I got two tattoos. One of the Ankh with a tiny unicursal hexagram inside the bony triangle, and two weeks ago a bigger unicursal hexagram. I’m also quite vain, so now I’m doing more selfies with an arm that has grown out of my neck! People have stopped to ask me what it is and why I have it. Luckily, I meet an awful lot of relatives of the patients I nurse and they always gawp at my designs. Most of my tattoos are spiritual obviously pertaining to my path and what builds me as a person, and I find that I’m able to explain what they mean and thusly what Thelema and occult have done for me. They are usually quite shocked that their preconceived notions are false – usually they suddenly feel a great deal of trust for me too which is great.
The only way I can promulgate the Law as a solitary practitioner is by my blog and YouTube (and the relentless selfies).
Short post! I just felt inspired after an old video from Frater Oz. also check out the recent podcast from Speech in the Silence too!
I haven’t written a mental update in a while, and that’s just due to feeling really good at the moment. Nope, still not on medication, my therapist is remarkable. But I guess I wanted to address the issue of the stigma attached to mental illness, and why juggling it and keeping it a secret is so annoying.
I was watching a show in the early morning on BBC3 called ‘Dairies of a Broken Mind’ and felt really inspired to share a brief look on what I have to deal with being borderline enough not to take meds. The question that got me thinking concerned itself with the notion of the stigma attached to mental health. There is a big issue with this, but like the terrible Victorian treatments it happens to be one of those taboo subjects people refuse to talk about openly with one another or in public. These days mental health is slowly being recognised as something that can affect anyone at anytime. Illnesses that were once seen as normal human weaknesses have actually been given a name. I can’t tell you how many people I know who lost a parent and later depression made them lose their minds focus. Something considered borderline like depression can be dealt with talking therapy and medication, in the past you had to “just get on ffs”. The whole notion of shutting up and just getting on is a stigma that is still attached today, and sadly I have felt the full brunt of it.
It’s hard talking about my issues, as I generally don’t like to talk about personal stuff, let alone pull my walls down for people to see. If you ask someone what mental health is like most of them would say it concerns itself around folks who walk up and down the streets talking to themselves or harming themselves, or even just being angry all the time. I don’t wake up in the morning with an axe by the bed called Fred. For me my issues centre around socialising, paranoia and self esteem. In the end it becomes a viscous cycle and I blame myself.
As most of you know growing up was lonely for me. I haven’t told you the odd things I did to keep myself company. When I wasn’t being hit, kicked or verbally abused by the other kids I would sit and happily talk to myself. After school when the other kids would go to each others houses or birthday parties I was at home reading, or playing ‘real life’ with dolls or just talking to myself for hours on end. I guess that’s where my creative process came in as I was able to create worlds and situations I had never experienced. My dolls would live for me. If I was around family or family friends I was fine as I was paying attention to other ventures. It was what worked.
Things went bad during my early teen years right up until I was 20/21. I learnt to deal with my issues, but also developed a sense of secrecy about them. Upper school is the typical breeding ground for stupid gossip to spread like wildfire, so I had to keep my anxiety, depression and paranoia under wraps. The hardest thing was the idea that in order for people to like me, or even just talk to me I had to be like them. Now, that’s not attitude or behaviour, it was more their accent and tone of voice, physical things. I had this belief that if I copied their way of speaking they would suddenly understand me and assume I was on their level – of course it never worked, but I would never realise until much, much later. That in itself was where I realised my brain had two modes of thinking. My therapist said my rational brain was the one that kept me in check. If my mental side was acting out these scenarios to the point that they were completely real to me, after a while my rational brain would send the right chemicals to slow me down. For example, I meet someone and say something stupid, they then stop talking to me for whatever reason. I immediately start to worry. What did I say? How did I piss them off? Why aren’t they talking to me? – this goes on intensely for a minimum of three days; I sometimes lose sleep due to worry. My rational brain will then step in much later, after a week or so, and remind me that maybe that person isn’t affected by me and maybe they are just busy. To which point my mental side then accepts it as a possibility, but not strong enough. I then don’t talk to that person for ages “just in case”.
Does that make sense?
Here’s where it gets hard. If I were then to have a conversation with said person my preconceived notions don’t allow me to enjoy that person– I put up walls. They notice and then tell me I’m being stupid. At that point, that person has no clue I have mental issues, and then I never tell them. Ever. So I continue to put things to the back of my mind and avoid sensitive subjects or triggers and they then assume I’m just a whiny little bitch. Viscous cycle. The only place I don’t allow my true self to bloom is at work. I will never. That place makes me feel so horrible to be there, and I have tried looking for other jobs and found nothing that suited my college timetable and could pay me enough to pay fees. People at work just see me as a weird little person they can blame or pick on – from the moment I started and so I never thrived. No one knows about my blogs or YouTube and I like it that way. Once I leave there I’ll be out in the big world, but as my crazy self and that’s fine.
There are a small number of people in my life who know of my mental issues. Some are fine, as they still see me the way I was before I told them. Others have slowly backed away. Others just can’t process it and become harsh without realising. When I feel comfortable enough around someone to let some of my walls down, then and only then will I let them in on my little secret. Even now I can think of two people I really want to tell, but I’m holding myself back due to worry. They freak at me when I say I’ll never find love or when I say I’m worried about groups of people – how will they react if I tell them it’s because my brain is messed up? Another cycle.
It holds me back at times, but that’s another post. The only thing that is happening at the moment is building friendships, and possibly a relationship in future.
It’s tough, but the good thing about wavering over the border is the fact that people who are unbeknownst about my ordeal just think I’m a sassy and weird love child – I like that, because the real me is a weird sassy love child, but I can also hide behind that part of my personality. Another bloody cycle!
The only things that keep me sane are books, music, film and tv. As long as I am focused on something my mind is settled. I don’t talk to myself anymore, haven’t done in two or so years, but at any moment my depression and anxiety could be so bad that I end up being terrified of leaving the house again, and create conversations. Haha! Which fella wants to risk a relationship with me? None! My brain just chooses to live its own life, and I have to meditate and/or write to control it. I’m a freak, but staying away from me is what hurts me more than someone pretending to care. I’m 25 next month, and I got this far pretty much on my own. What’s another 25?
Loneliness is normal for me, except my loneliness hurts because I want to be part of something and my anxiety holds me back. I don’t make myself lonely because I want to, I wish I could believe me. It’s hard to make friends, I’ll never be brave enough to have sex with a stranger or lucky enough to land a proper relationship, but I know I can force myself to be okay with it. It hurts. My heart bleeds blah, blah, blah, but it’s fine. It’s just me, my walls and my messed up world.
Most of these quotes are from Hamlet, Shakespeare’s longest plays, but as with most of Shakespearean language you can fit any if not all quotations into daily life. The bard gave us such phrases as “I will not budge an inch” (Taming of the Shrew), “This is the short and the long of it,” (The Merry Wives of Windsor) or “If music be the food of love, play on!” (Twelfth Night).
I found this on @HollowCrownFans Tumblr page. A page dedicated to anything Shakespearean, especially the production of the BBC’s ‘Hollow Crown’. Check them out! Richard III, Henry IV part 1 & 2 and Henry V. AMAZING!!
Enjoy!
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A dramatic Shakespearean response to every situation ~
When something bad happens: True is it that we have seen better days.
When something REALLY bad happens: O woe! O woeful, woeful, woeful day! Most lamentable day. Most woeful day That ever, ever I did yet behold! O day, O day, O day! O hateful day! Never was seen so black a day as this.O woeful day! O woeful day!
When people say that something is wrong because the Bible says so: The Devil can cite scripture for his purpose.
When my girlfriend abandons me for food: FRAILTY, THY NAME IS WOMAN!
When someone doesn’t thank me for holding the door open for them: BLOW, BLOW, BLOW, THOU WINTER WIND! THOU ART NOT SO UNKIND AS MAN’S INGRATITUDE!
When I burn something while cooking: MY CAKE IS DOUGH!
When human stupidity frustrates me: LORD, WHAT FOOLS THESE MORTALS BE!
When someone says I’m going to hell for my sins: NYMPH, IN THY ORISONS BE ALL MY SINS REMEMBER’D.
When I’m broke: My pride fell with my fortunes
When someone turns the light on after a period of darkness and blinding light ensues: OH, SHE DOTH TEACH THE TORCHES TO BURN BRIGHT!
When someone disagrees with me: THERE ARE MORE THINGS IN HEAVEN AND EARTH, HORATIO, THEN ARE DREAMT OF IN YOUR PHILOSOPHY.
When I argue with my girlfriend: The course of true love never did run smooth.
When I’m embarrassed: MUST I HOLD A CANDLE TO MY SHAMES?!
Someone says “Good Night”: Good Night, Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow.
I have been practising this simple ritual for almost a month now, and so far it has kept me within a disciplined regimen. This is a more relaxed variation of Liber Resh vel Helios, which is the magickal attainment of the sun and Universe. You are supposed to carry out Resh at particular times during the course of the day, starting at dawn. You can find Resh times by finding the times when the sun is just dawning, at its highest point in the sky (around midday/noon), at sunset/evening and lastly when the sun is at its lowest point (around midnight). You can find the times on Google or at this Resh link, as each day the times may differ. Due to my hectic schedule, and the terrible onslaught of more unorganised work schedules I have to commit to the Four Adorations until September. Hopefully this may help you in some way. End each incantation with the sign of silence, which is the index finger over the mouth.
As far as ablutions and salutations are needed, refer to Liber O, others are given to you by a teacher as I found, but I’m not 100% on that either (Gosh I am amazing right?). I have written in red, the number for that relates to the pictures required for each adoration. (I may have this wrong, as I haven’t asked anyone for confirmation yet!)
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In former great ages, man realized intuitively his relationship to nature and to the living universe in which he lived and was a part. He felt his unity with all the elements. In the fullness of his life he worshipped the Sun as a visible symbol of the unknown God in whom we live and move and have our being. It is axiomatic that light is life and both are dependent upon the Sun — which thus becomes a vital symbol of God.
In our modern scientific age of gadgets and things, with our unnatural way of life divorced from contact with the dynamic root of things, we may once more progress towards the full awareness of the source of life and love and liberty, we make ritual gestures of affirming a link between the Sun and ourselves. Upon the basis of these gestures of adoration, every act in life may be dedicated in such a way that living itself becomes sanctified and transformed.
Though God is a unity, the Sun, as a symbol of God, appears differently at each of its four daily stations — dawn, noon, sunset and midnight. Therefore an adoration is directed towards the Sun at each of these four stations.
At dawn, or upon arising, he should perform whatever abulations are customary and then turning towards the East, say audibly: (2, 3, 4 – signs of LVX: 7, 8, 9 and 10)
Hail unto Thee who art Ra in thy rising,
Even unto Thee who art Ra in thy strength,
Who travellest over the Heavens in Thy bark
At the Uprising of the Sun.
Tahuti standeth in His splendour at the prow
And Ra-Hoor abideth at the helm.
Hail unto Thee from the Abodes of the Night!
Much of the symbolism inherent in this simple adoration may be missed by the student for some considerable time. It does not matter just yet. But this should not be permitted to serve as an obstacle to daily practice, nor to deter him from adoring God in the form of the rising Sun every day of his life.
At noon, wherever he may be — at home, in the office, on the streets, or in a factory — let him adore God. It will help in some measure to bring God into his life. Face the South and say: (4)
Hail unto Thee who art Hathor in Thy triumphing,
Even unto Thee who art Hathor in Thy beauty,
Who travellest over the Heavens in Thy bark
At the Mid-course of the Sun.
Tahuti standeth in His splendour at the prow,
And Ra-Hoor abideth at the helm.
Hail unto Thee from the Abodes of Morning!
At the eventide, when the Sun goes down, let him face the West and adore the Lord of the Universe in these words: (2)
Hail unto Thee, who art Tum in Thy setting,
Even unto Thee who art Tum in Thy joy,
Who travellest over the Heavens in Thy bark
At the Down-going of the Sun.
Tahuti standeth in His splendour at the prow
And Ra-Hoor abideth at the helm.
Hail unto Thee from the Abodes of Day!
At midnight or upon retiring, turn to the North and say: (3)
Hail unto Thee Who art Khephra in thy hiding,
Even unto Thee who art Khephra in Thy silence,
Who travellest over the Heavens in Thy bark
At the Midnight Hour of the Sun.
Tahuti standeth in his Splendour at the prow
And Ra-Hoor abideth at the helm.
Hail unto Thee from the Abodes of Evening.
This particular practice should be made a regular part of everyday life and should be persisted in until it becomes a part of your way of life. Other exercises described here may be performed for limited or varying periods of time, but these particular Fourfold Adorations are to be integrated for all time into the daily pattern of living.
I haven’t done an update in years! At least, not on this blog anyway, so I figured I would dive in and briefly present my madness and obsession with organisation with you all. I have kept journals since I was small, ever since I could write full sentences’ without any proper writing style. I used to write made up spells in a made up language, and draw magick circles before I even knew Magick existed. I find journaling to be both therapeutic and educational as they keep me up to date with my living progress. I have many journals for all kinds of subjects from cooking, wine, travel, poetry, tea, herbal stuffs, mantra and dreams. For now, these are my latest editions and current babies.
Below are four Moleskine journals, from left to right: Secret diary, Book of Horus, Book of Thoth/Tahuti and my Book of Conjurations.
Some of Sy Calaelen’s magick journals
Secret Diary
This journal is for my general thoughts, feelings, events and daily creative musings. Some of the entries have a spiritual theme but others don’t, like my shopping lists and haul pages located in the back. Some of the lists are mostly around books I own and have bought, and other titles I need, and other media genres such as CDs, vinyl’s, sewing/knitting supplies and altar supplies. I also include general card readings for myself in which I use to keep my life in sync. I have photos, poetry and short stories inside, alongside my daily emotional issues and feelings of joy. Love letters to men I’ve always wanted to talk to, but never ever have the chance to, so I keep these musings to myself. I’ve always loved the idea of letting my future family read them, just to see what I was like before settling down. This is just a general journal, but a secret one. This current book is Secret Diary #23.
Book of Horus
This journal consists of my personal study of each verse within The Book of the Law (Liber AL vel Legis). Each verse has a page, written in red, with a running commentary beneath in black. I am precise about the colours I write in as the method of this journal is to update it yearly in blue. Every other year or moment I get after two years I can alternate between black and blue to track my progress. I have a file set up on my computer with the same method, but I prefer the feel of a pen to a page, plus I can add my private thoughts without the worry of breaking the book or having any pages corrupted. A friend did ask me what would happen when I fill up some pages over others and the answer is simple, I would just buy another Moleskine and start again. Other times, especially if it happens to surround one or five particular verses that have a great impact, I will write essays’ on them inside my Book of Conjurations instead and link it as thus at the bottom of those pages.
My exploration of Liber AL has been amazing. Mostly positive and awe inspiring, and other times I feel a sudden charge of emotion just rise up in me. I had suggested purely on a whim to Mr. Vamp that it would be a lovely idea for Weiser Inc to publish greeting cards around Thelemic holidays, and general holidays for Thelemites and occultists. For example, around Valentines you could give your lover a card that reads “Every man and every woman is a star” or at birthdays “For pure will, unassuaged of purpose, delivered from the lust of result, is every way perfect”. Just a mad idea I may start doing with close friends once I acquire addresses – but one that could be frowned upon.
BoH #1
Book of Thoth/Tahuti
This journal is for my in depth study of Crowley’s Thoth tarot. I must point out, I have read general tarot since I was a pre-teen so I know the difference between general readings and spiritual/psychological readings. I’ve always been more of an amateur psycho-analyser with various decks, and have on many occasions been in situations where people have tried to dissuade me or put me down only to fall onto their own traps. I’m actually not that bad, as far as intelligence is concerned.
There are a few monthly exercises I am currently working on as far as tarot and Qabalah are concerned thanks to Regardie, and a method I came up with. Each page has a date, time of beginning and one card. I will work with that card for a week or so, and then end each entry with the date and time. Working with cards can result in various methods and outcomes, for me I focus on the psychology and visualisation. On some other pages, with code words and the card(s) written in red, I list the message or lesson I am being taught. It’s a pretty basic journal, nothing too exciting, but it keeps me focused on this part of my journey. BoT #1
Book of Conjurations
This journal has a funny name, taken from Book 4 from the chapter about the Book of Conjurations in Part 2. I may come up with another title, but for now it is a constant reminder to stay focused on my path, but it may take a while as I have changed the name of these particular journals too many times. This journal has essays’ written by myself, quotations from book or blogs, illustrations, formulae, quick notes, talismans and sigils I have used successfully in the past, alphabets, poetry, photos and much more. I treat this journal more like the ‘magickal twin’ of my secret diary, with a lot more emphasis on magick and the occult sciences. This book contains extensions of posts from my videos, or from here, or even entries written in other journals. Again, like my secret diary I have lists upon lists, upon lists, upon lists located in the back, alongside little protective charms drawn on paper in the pocket. I’m sure it sounds funny, but I do put a protective seal in my journals in places people would hopefully skip past without realising. This journal is my baby! Hopefully one of the places I turn to if I finally find a publisher and a new agent, to grab information from for a book on Qabalistic magick and the occult. BoC #8
If you follow me on Instagram, I do post the odd illustration here and there. (Located in the sidebar there).
Check out my Holy Calendar – to see a snippet of two or three pages.
A little information on the Moleskine journals
I love my Moleskine journals – yes, I am a huge fan of Moleskine and their products which is why I happily recommend people to at least have a look at a few on their website or at your local book/stationary store. My journals are all Ruled Black/Red Notebooks – Large, 290 pages of acid free paper, cardboard bound cover with rounded corners with an expandable inner pocket with the history of Moleskine. They can be pricey, but for what they are worth, they are a bargain! Of course you can just buy the dupes, or a totally different kind of journal to store your life’s progress. I just love to write, and thankfully it’s a gift I intend to perfect.
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