I’m Taking a Break


I had originally titled this post,’A Chance to Explain What Has Been Going On’. I sat at the computer for the last few nights trying to work out what to say and how to say it. I used to think I was creative with words, but I don’t think I am these days (block?). I need to get better, and since the rest of my life will consist of me writing, publishing and teaching within the realms of literature and research I need practice. Practice with writing, practice with making my point and making sense.

I used to read tons of books, make notes and then openly discuss my issues or questions with people online, due to their pagan paths. In the real world these days, there is a small number of people to talk to. Whenever I get lost or just want to air a thought, most of you have been awesome. It’s true what they say, once you appear on YouTube you have to accept the shit that comes your way, and I do most of the time. YouTube and my blog are my only outlet, and if I’m stuck those have been the places I’ve gone to in order to receive answers. I’m just one girl, with a mind that is constantly in operation (I don’t sleep well either, due to stress if thinking about everything all the time).

On top of that, my path has opened up so much thought provoking analysis, and practices. They have done nothing but good for me, and it sucks I feel I cannot shout how happy I am for the first time in years; at least not on YouTube for a while. I thought I was making progress, but it turns out in making one mistake after another. I’m working on that. Need to be better. Just wish someone could be on par with me and tell me how tough it was in the beginning, so I don’t feel too bad. I’m a little perfectionist at heart, so I kind of want some things to work well in general. So many of you ask me questions, ask me for guidance and for tips/advice. I love that. Makes me feel like I am apart of something. This is why it’s hard for me to write this.

I am learning things at such a rapid pace, so much goodness has just opened up and my spirituality is really being kneaded by the heavens. So much so, it’s getting overwhelming and my emotions have been all over the place. I need a little time to work on the forceful nature of my growth, and balance myself again. Going off kilter isn’t good, as you end up focusing on the tiny bad details, instead of the good. I’m learning about who I am as a person and so far it’s been cool. I’m learning to override my arrogance, naΓ―vety and cynicism. But, best if all, I’m learning to say yes (thanks Lord Hawaii*).

Taking time off filming. I need to. The blog will stay, but it will be frequent. As my path unfolds, it’s an automatic button in me to question everything. It’s what I was taught at school. Don’t follow something so blindly; question everything. I’ve been doing that, totally hoping to be honest and truthful, but messing up big time. But who do you talk to when something comes up? I need to stop my head from floating in the clouds. I can’t be in a good place forever, and nor can I educate. Haha, I actually suck at this! I wish I had listened years back. I need to find another way to question everything, without directing them at me, myself and I, or YouTube.

I’ll still blog, but nothing too personal for a little while. Restricting my questions and theories to my journal and head. I shall change up a few bits too, for easy navigation.

Please note, anything I say or theorise is my own. I’m so new to Thelema I don’t want to call myself a Thelemite anymore, and bare in mind I take the freedom of practice very seriously. One day I’ll feel balanced enough again and put my 93 hat back on.


Author: Sy Calaelen

Sy Calaelen aka Sylvia Beckett Davidson, is a British writer, blogger and Youtube vlogger, though she isn't filming at the moment. English literature graduate. Both sites will focus on literary reviews, book lists, comic books and nerd chat, writing and novel tips, and discussions in magick, paganism and the occult. A mixture of everything from her. Reach out on social media from Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube, Instagram, GoodReads, and Pinterest.

9 thoughts on “I’m Taking a Break

  1. Maybe I’m just crazy too, but I can relate to you Sy. It takes so much courage to do what you do, and you’ve done it so well. At the end of the day this path is a solitary one that only you can see in its entirety. As humans we love to share the things that excite us, make us laugh, make us cry, but so many of the experiences tied to our inner world are almost impossible to discuss with others. Somehow you’ve accomplished finding a way to share those experiences with the world in an honest, inspiring way, and I know I’m grateful for your efforts. Don’t ever feel the need to apologize for being human. πŸ™‚

  2. Totally agree with Owyl…. You’re doing such a great job, and it does take a lot of courage to put yourself out there for everybody to see/read, I admire that.

    Hope you’ll feel balanced again soon πŸ™‚ Take good care of yourself!!!

    Sending you light and harmony!


  3. Just when you are taking a break I feel inspired to shoot some videos. I guess it is tag and I am it. Enjoy your time away. We will try to carry on with out you.

  4. I’m so sorry to hear that youtube is wearing you down. Its a tough road to put yourself out there in the public eye and open yourself to the scrutiny that may follow. It creates a lot of psychological pressure to think you have to constantly be thinking up new material for new videos and my God help you if you make a mistake or utter a controversial viewpoint!. So take a break young Thelemite focus on yourself and your studies youtube will still be there when you are ready to return πŸ™‚

  5. Peace, Love & Blessings NTR Hmt. Sister Sy, I have been inspired and my spirit lifted by your youtube videos and I am “Seasoned” aged woman in my menopausal years. Possibly, Sister Queen Nubia: nubiaisutton1 would share her youtube journey with you or Queen Mother Luisah Teish. I see that there is a need for a loving, supportive community for those in the public eye.

    Sister Queen, rest & rejuvenate allowing others to lay a feast for you and if you so desire to add bit of your spice to the stew please do so πŸ™‚


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