I had originally titled this post,’A Chance to Explain What Has Been Going On’. I sat at the computer for the last few nights trying to work out what to say and how to say it. I used to think I was creative with words, but I don’t think I am these days (block?). I need to get better, and since the rest of my life will consist of me writing, publishing and teaching within the realms of literature and research I need practice. Practice with writing, practice with making my point and making sense.
I used to read tons of books, make notes and then openly discuss my issues or questions with people online, due to their pagan paths. In the real world these days, there is a small number of people to talk to. Whenever I get lost or just want to air a thought, most of you have been awesome. It’s true what they say, once you appear on YouTube you have to accept the shit that comes your way, and I do most of the time. YouTube and my blog are my only outlet, and if I’m stuck those have been the places I’ve gone to in order to receive answers. I’m just one girl, with a mind that is constantly in operation (I don’t sleep well either, due to stress if thinking about everything all the time).
On top of that, my path has opened up so much thought provoking analysis, and practices. They have done nothing but good for me, and it sucks I feel I cannot shout how happy I am for the first time in years; at least not on YouTube for a while. I thought I was making progress, but it turns out in making one mistake after another. I’m working on that. Need to be better. Just wish someone could be on par with me and tell me how tough it was in the beginning, so I don’t feel too bad. I’m a little perfectionist at heart, so I kind of want some things to work well in general. So many of you ask me questions, ask me for guidance and for tips/advice. I love that. Makes me feel like I am apart of something. This is why it’s hard for me to write this.
I am learning things at such a rapid pace, so much goodness has just opened up and my spirituality is really being kneaded by the heavens. So much so, it’s getting overwhelming and my emotions have been all over the place. I need a little time to work on the forceful nature of my growth, and balance myself again. Going off kilter isn’t good, as you end up focusing on the tiny bad details, instead of the good. I’m learning about who I am as a person and so far it’s been cool. I’m learning to override my arrogance, naïvety and cynicism. But, best if all, I’m learning to say yes (thanks Lord Hawaii*).
Taking time off filming. I need to. The blog will stay, but it will be frequent. As my path unfolds, it’s an automatic button in me to question everything. It’s what I was taught at school. Don’t follow something so blindly; question everything. I’ve been doing that, totally hoping to be honest and truthful, but messing up big time. But who do you talk to when something comes up? I need to stop my head from floating in the clouds. I can’t be in a good place forever, and nor can I educate. Haha, I actually suck at this! I wish I had listened years back. I need to find another way to question everything, without directing them at me, myself and I, or YouTube.
I’ll still blog, but nothing too personal for a little while. Restricting my questions and theories to my journal and head. I shall change up a few bits too, for easy navigation.
Please note, anything I say or theorise is my own. I’m so new to Thelema I don’t want to call myself a Thelemite anymore, and bare in mind I take the freedom of practice very seriously. One day I’ll feel balanced enough again and put my 93 hat back on.