This new found cynicism is really hitting home more than I thought it would. Usually I get over negative bumps by willing them away, and changing my thought processes, but this cynicism has grown legs and seems to be constantly next to me. It reminded me of a story Pema Chodron had mentioned in one of her books about the demons that stayed in the cave with a monk, and only left once he accepted that they were apart of his inner self (his emotions). The easiest, and the hardest approach to dealing with my new friend is to psychoanalyse it and find out how and why it appeared, and more importantly how to accept it.
So far two friends have done their little bit to help me start the mindful process by staying positive and focusing on myself, rather than fretting about other people and their woes. On top of that I also have to deal with the cold hard truth that I am breaking away from the shell society has created, and in some way letting the little rebel in me come fourth. I’m not sure if that side of my personality is part of the ego being stripped down, or if it has any spiritual connotations, but one thing is clear, it is here to stay.
By accepting this demon (as I’m calling it), this husk as being part of my personality it has become quite calm. I guess in a way, after a lovely article Mr. Dusk had sent me, I needed to stand up on this empty desert road and start a small plan for phase one. Read the story here. I see myself standing alone, staring at the dark wilderness around me, unable to properly focus on a small light ahead. I know deep down I’ve touched that light before, but for some reason I’m unable to move close to it again. I run, without shoes or socks, toward the light but I realise I’m stuck on a treadmill. That feeling, or at least that repetitive image plays over and over in my head. I wouldn’t go as far as saying that I am at a loss, I am definitely aware of myself, my duty and this lesson but I find on other occasions I’m asking what it is I should believe in. This is where things go a little off kilter.
I read the article and felt quite good. Not in the sense that I would suddenly donate millions to some far away charity, but glad I recognised the problem. Mr. Dusk has been super cool, and inspirational, so you can imagine the sheer awe when he sent the link after catching up with my musings online. It was the right dose of medicine. (Thanks, you’re a gem of a dude!). Last evening Guru Jonboi called to catch up, and like the small number of gems in my life, he knew something was up when I didn’t reply to his texts in full for a few days. Now, most of you have seen Guru Jonboi in previous vlogs, if not here is one, and you know how spiritual and honestly blunt he is; typical East End boy. He knew something was up and he pestered me for the most part of almost 3 hours to find out what it was. I knew cynicism was growing fast, I even painted it a little face to match its armless body, but knowing something is wrong isn’t the same as finding out why.
I figured it was down to the fact that in the past whenever I had issues I used to bottle them up or hide them under the carpet, in the hope that they would just disappear. Obviously they don’t, and at some point they just crawl back out. You know how it is, things just build up until the day that one little thing can make you snap in two. We both agreed that we have high thresholds, and we can tolerate a lot of problems, and in a weird way we use those pains to keep us spiritual and grounded. I know that must sound odd, but I embrace the worst aspects life could throw at me in order to fully appreciate the good things that arrive. I think that is where my cynicism lies. I’m so used to the negativity from other people, or even family, that the few good things that happen I have to create myself. I don’t ask people to help me do good things, I don’t ask for help often either. What makes me happy is knowing I’ve worked hard to get my life going the way I want, regardless of what other people say. I also love the fact that I’m happy when I’ve made someone else smile. I’m a loyal Leo like that, send me diamonds! (Actually don’t… I prefer wooden jewellery).
Sitting back and thinking about it, and life, I have my defences up at the best of times. Being a lonely kind of person has also made me realise how difficult it is for me to socialise due to the experiences I have had with old friends from the past. I never dealt with those people, nor allowed myself to close and burn those old books. I left them on my imaginary shelf, and only now they are causing me great difficulty. I’m independent nerdy and just plain strange, but I am happy that I alone forged the person I am. The same way as you forged the person you are. It is just at the moment, I’m hating my loneliness hating the idea of living the rest of my life with three quarters of my defences up and hating the notion that every 5 people I meet will fail me in some way. I don’t want to be negative, and maybe my cynicism is exactly what I need to stop me from turning into an angry and bitter old person. Eventually that cynical demon will transform into logic or something.
Another image keeps me quite content about the future, created by that other little beast, Hope (except she is pink with a great big blue bow on her head, and no she doesn’t have arms either – I doodle a lot). I see myself sitting behind a big wooden desk, in an office surrounded by books. I’m wearing a black academic robe, marking essays. It’s probably an unrealistic goal, but I want to be an English literature professor with an expertise in classics, Shakespeare and language. That idea makes me smile, makes me hopeful and unashamed of being the nerd I am. The realistic view would be a small white office space shared with other faculty members with PhD under my name instead, ha! (1 nil to me!)