Yesterday I went to an interview at my first choice university application, and it went well!
I went to bed the night before, with my bags backed, feeling nervous and checking the battery life of all of the technology I was taking. I double and triple checked forms, letters and maps. Made sure the money I needed was in the right purse (I am a bit of a fashion fan, as I am sure you are aware due to TheHarlequinDays). I had to calm myself down, so I sat and meditated by my altar holding my uncut Thoth tarot, and promising I would pull a card the day after my interview. I don’t know why I didn’t just pull cards then, but I guess my nerves got the better of me. I had been to another interview the Saturday gone, and I felt fine. This choice is my first choice, so you can imagine the freak out.
Yesterday was amazing though, and the interview was a great test of my character and mind. We were given small exercises to do concerning the analysis of several poems and understanding Cant. At the end of the interview I was informed it would be a few days before I would hear anything back, and with that I left. We left Leicester city around half 3, arriving back home within the hour, and my phone was going crazy. I finally switched the kettle on, and leant on the counter to read all the incoming emails, two of which were from UCAS and the main university of choice. I started to get excited again and I clicked each message, and to my surprise I was informed that they loved my interview and were giving me an official offer for a place on the course. I hit the roof! I laughed to myself and couldn’t resist posting my delight to Facebook and Twitter. I called my mum and she was happy too, screaming, “WHAT!” down the line. I should try to remember not to have the phone on loud speaker when calling her…
This morning I woke up at my usual time to do ritual and have a big bowl of Crunchy Nut. I remembered that I needed to cut a card to focus on for the coming months leading up to this summer, and funny enough I pulled the Hanged Man card. Instead of reading the card the way I was trained, I sought the Thoth Tarot Book to see what Crowley would suggest. To be honest, this book is new and I’m still getting to grips with it, but I’ve been reading cards since I was a pre-teen so my definitions’ are similar, but not so deep in occult wisdom or Qabalah. So, assuming you all know the Hanged Man, here is a small part of that definition:
“This card, attributed to the letter Mem, represents the element of Water. It would perhaps be better to say that it represents the spiritual function of water in the economy of initiation; it is a baptism which is also a death. In the Aeon of Osiris, this card represented the supreme formula of adeptship; for the figure of the drowned or hanged man has its own special meaning. The legs are crossed so that the right leg forms a right angle with the left leg, and the arms are stretched out at an angle of 60° so as to form an equilateral triangle; this gives the symbol of the Triangle surmounted by the Cross, which represents the descent of the light into the darkness in order to re deem it. For this reason there are green disks-green, the colour of Venus, signifies Grace-at the terminations of the limbs and of the head. The air above the surface of the water is also green, infiltrated by rays of the white light of Kether. The whole figure is suspended from the Ankh, another way of figuring the formula of the Rose and Cross, while around the left foot is the Serpent, creator and destroyer, who operates all change.” – Book of Thoth Tarot, Crowley
The moment I read the first few lines I just thought, “What is my HGA up to? Why is life suddenly working out for me? Yay!” That made me smile. I know now, this will be the ultimate test to stay focused, grounded and not to spend my time worrying. Phase one of my life is most definitely coming to ahead. Finally.
Other than that, I have finally found somewhere to live and i can save money between now and September. For the awesome Thelemites’ and OTO members who have been helping me out with my spiritual studying, Thank you! I’m being introduced a wide spectrum of the occult world and its all flooding through my gates quite happily. I’ve been asked to study both OTO and AA student books, and so far they have been mind blowing. Eventually I shall sort my spiritual life out, or at least make it official and I shall have started Phase One for sure.
Thanks for the support folks. These last few weeks/months have been okay, but not great. Knowing me, I don’t like opening up about my feelings too much, and now realising that people I thought were friends don’t and will not approach me about anything anymore. I have realised I’m not everyone’s cup of tea (trust me, it has been 5 years already), and seeing as it has taken me this long to understand I’ll never be part of the ‘in-crowd’, I have decided I won’t be. I’m going to be myself, be smart and be brave, regardless.
Those of you asking when I’ll return to Youtube, I shan’t for a while, but hopefully a month or two once my head and heart are sorted. When I do come back I would like things to change for the better, as I’ll be happier sitting outside the circle and I won’t have to fear trolls or old friends letting me down. I’ll be there for me, and any future friends. My videos seem to stop a lot of people from conversing with me, and that is a shame as I put my heart and soul into reaching out, and for memories sake (my mind right now is proving that I’m getting older). Like people have told me, “Screw it Sy, do it for you. The right people will come along, form friendships with you and they’ll stay.”
Sy, x x