At least to me. Bare with me, this post will be weird, but I hope I get my overall positive message across. If you assume I’m moaning and groaning then I hope you leave this page; I only ask for a rational look and some guidance, and maybe a little sympathy—a trait I have not seen in even the closest of friends.
Okay, let’s start.
Quite recently I came to the conclusion that love with another is unbalanced and quite unfair for those of us who have never truly seen its face. It’s an area I have often battled with, questioning why we are left out, or if we would ever truly feel what even fleeting love is like. Many people have complained or told me off saying I’m being silly or over thinking too much. Fair enough, I take those little pieces of advice, but can you see why I find it hard to find a sort of equilibrium? Almost everyone who I have crossed, who have shared their words of wisdom are in relationships or have been. They aren’t 24 year old loners who only have themselves to question.
I’m empathic, and sometimes I love it because I can help people or even use it for spiritual meditations, other times I hate it because other Magickal folks I know have no experience with it or witchcraft. Whilst I can be next to someone and read them, it can get me into trouble sometimes! Haha! The one thing that I would regard as a gift only a few posses, like love, is sympathy. I find it easy to read others, and decide whether I will walk in their shoes to understand them. Once you start learning, you move up from one plateau to the next and forget how to come back down once in a while. People often forget what’s its like to be alone and loveless. To be frustrated and afraid. To have a broken heart and feel neglected at times. Only a few people have been kind enough to keep me positive, but I have met others who haven’t dealt with their own issues of abandonment, but see fit to judge me. Every man and every woman is a star. We are all stars in the sky—all part of the same eternal blanket. We all have to experience things the way we are supposed to, and love is a subject I look at under a new light.
This is where I get a little spiritual and mostly positive (and maybe delusional?). I have spoken briefly about a Goddess ritual I did a while back, in which I asked the Universe to open up the Goddess within me in order to see myself in a more real and positive light. I have loved looking at myself in the mirror since, and I feel even more relaxed about my person. I am who I am, and I’m glad I’m on this journey with myself. If I need to do things for myself, I do without worrying. I guess all in all, since I performed that ritual I have felt incredible. I don’t see my innate deity, or “inner goddess/god” as an actual being, it’s more of a spark that ignites itself every now and then, reassuring me my path is exactly how it needs to be. The more I open up my mind to who I am, what I want to be and how I am to feel without regret, the more I love myself.
Descartes often argued his notion of knowledge [of God] being innate on his meditations, one example would be his ‘Trademark argument”, in which he states that God is a tradesman or carpenter who leaves his trademark on his creations. Buddha often referred to his students that the only way to be enlightened or spiritual is to look inside yourself and find your own Buddha. New Age women say one needs to do the same and find your inner God/Goddess, and that’s what I am doing. I have come close to meeting that innate being who is currently teaching me a valuable lesson. Crowley referred to this being as the HGA, now I’m not 100% on this being as I thought previously so bare with me, but the more and more I dive deeper within, the more I love and the more I learn. In a way I have found my first true love, and that’s me. I need to let go of the materialistic ideal that some guy will come along and sweep me off my feet. I don’t see Sebastian Vettel or Aurelian Rougerie running down my street anytime soon…
I’ve been in a relationship with my spiritual self since the tender age of 11 and I hadn’t realised. The great thing is, regardless of how depressed and worrisome I had been, and how I will be every so often in the future, this innate being with its lifeline to the Ultimate Ancestor/God/Universe, loves me no matter what. That’s a great feeling. I have a reason to smile and a reason to be goofy and weird. I’m loved and that is perfect. Not everyone finds love in the way books teach, or the way all your friends or the strangers around you show. Love isn’t conventional, or at least that is how I see it. Nuns find love in God or Buddha. I find love in the little part of the Universe, in me.
I have a checklist of goals I want to accomplish in life. One is academia. I’m going to keep my head down and focus, be a better witch and Thelemite and most importantly be happy with myself (even with the odd ego inflation).
I’m loving this track right now, James Blake’s new single Retrograde