Sy Calaelen

Live in my Shoes For a Moment…

10 Comments


…When the World Floats By

The Gods know how much I go against the tide to fit in. Making friends and keeping them is one of the hardest struggles I have ever had to deal with. As each day arrives, I throw on a smile and slowly fill myself with confidence. I haven’t had the easiest of lives, which is pretty much the standard in today’s world. I followed people around assuming they were friends; I filled my head with teenage paranoia wondering what other people thought of me; I even went through the standard symptoms of a kid who had been abused by so called “friends”. For me, that was all normal.

It was normal to wake up everyday, get ready for school and have a good breakfast. It was normal to arrive within inches of the school gate, or my classroom door only to be punched, hit or pushed on purpose. It was normal to spend every break time I had in the library or computer room hiding from people by travelling to my safe online world (where I made amazing friends by the way). It was normal to assume first time sex meant the cuts and bruises all over my face, ribs, hands and back were expected. Its all life experience I’m afraid.

What wasn’t normal for me were the many failed attempts at dying. The emotions; the tears, the anxiety attacks and the sore throats. I wanted out, and within the last 2 years I still feel I do. What’s more painful, is the fact that I know I’m to blame for letting these horrid people hurt me so bad. I and only I can stand up to them. I have to keep my chin up, and know deep down they will never have the extraordinary life I have lead so far. They’ll never know what’s its like to feel stronger each day. They’ll never know what its like to stand straight with a tough backbone. They’ll never know what it means to fight hard for something you believe in.

Sure, some of my colleagues make it their business to make mine, and other colleagues lives intolerable (which go totally unnoticed, but I have had plenty of legal advice to help). Its fine that at one point in my life 6 older girls thought it would be cool to humiliate me in front of crowds. Its fine knowing that these days I spend my nights studying to keep myself from falling into the doom and gloom of loneliness. At least I manage to survive.

I am sure, if any of these people lived in my shoes for a day, they would learn to either accept me and all my flaws or jump off a bridge. Either way, I’m me. I won’t stop smiling, I won’t stop talking, I won’t stop being weird and I sure as hell won’t stop letting loneliness be my guide.

Sorry if this is sad, I had hoped it would be fairly positive… But I know someone out there will say otherwise.

Sy

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Author: Sy Calaelen

Sy Calaelen is a British writer, blogger and Youtube vlogger, though she isn't filming at the moment. English literature graduate and future social work graduate. Both sites will focus on literary reviews, book lists, comic books and nerd chat, writing and novel tips, and discussions in magick, paganism and the occult. A mixture of everything from her. Reach out on social media from Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube, Instagram, GoodReads, and Pinterest.

10 thoughts on “Live in my Shoes For a Moment…

  1. Be encouraged. I identify with many of your experiences, esp the first time one. But, as you said, the greatest victory is keeping your head up and ever moving forward. *hugs*

  2. There’s an old saying: A life well lived is its own revenge. 93s my fellow Star.

  3. XXX:2 Thou then, who hast trials and troubles, rejoice because of them, for in them is Strength, and by their means is a pathway opened unto that Light.

  4. There is an old saying “an empty vessel cannot pour out that which it does not contain.” Life experiences are the substances of our vessels. We live, experience in order to “pour out to another” experience as another. You are collecting that which you will eventually “pour out” to another as no one else can. It is a gift, know its not meant for you but you are retaining that gift for someone else not ready or not in the situation you may have just lived..When they are ready.. you will share what is in your vessel…..Peace–

  5. I worry when I see such low self esteem in a solitary practitioner if Crowley’s system isn’t too complex and too emotionally difficult to master. There is an undercurrent of sadness in your posts that makes me believe this is going to be a real hard struggle for you as a solitary. Normally I would advise better to start with Franz Bardon’s system and once mastered then move on to Crowley. I wish you all the best on the difficult journey ahead but you are going to have to tackle the self esteem issue before you can get too far.

    • No need to worry about me. I am plenty happy πŸ™‚

      I was addressing an issue regarding why I always smile and want to just communicate about anything, whether it be shoes, the news or holidays. Some women at work can’t stand to see my happiness is all πŸ™‚

      As for magick, I have studied and practised or almost 14 years, believe me when I say I know my stuff (it took me a while to realise that, but friends have told me how big my mind is, and mature I am).

      Thank you for reading πŸ™‚

      93s

      • I wasn’t questioning your intellectual abilities in Magick or your maturity, I’m not that arrogant πŸ™‚ What worried me was in reading the blog posts I got the impression that you seem to under value yourself, but perhaps I was mistaken.

        Its just been my experience and I’ve been doing this a long time (35 years) that many people who take on very complex systems like Thelema or even worse Enochian can really struggle if they don’t start with a positive self image. I just wanted to point that out, I wasn’t trying to dissuade you πŸ™‚

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