…When the World Floats By
The Gods know how much I go against the tide to fit in. Making friends and keeping them is one of the hardest struggles I have ever had to deal with. As each day arrives, I throw on a smile and slowly fill myself with confidence. I haven’t had the easiest of lives, which is pretty much the standard in today’s world. I followed people around assuming they were friends; I filled my head with teenage paranoia wondering what other people thought of me; I even went through the standard symptoms of a kid who had been abused by so called “friends”. For me, that was all normal.
It was normal to wake up everyday, get ready for school and have a good breakfast. It was normal to arrive within inches of the school gate, or my classroom door only to be punched, hit or pushed on purpose. It was normal to spend every break time I had in the library or computer room hiding from people by travelling to my safe online world (where I made amazing friends by the way). It was normal to assume first time sex meant the cuts and bruises all over my face, ribs, hands and back were expected. Its all life experience I’m afraid.
What wasn’t normal for me were the many failed attempts at dying. The emotions; the tears, the anxiety attacks and the sore throats. I wanted out, and within the last 2 years I still feel I do. What’s more painful, is the fact that I know I’m to blame for letting these horrid people hurt me so bad. I and only I can stand up to them. I have to keep my chin up, and know deep down they will never have the extraordinary life I have lead so far. They’ll never know what’s its like to feel stronger each day. They’ll never know what its like to stand straight with a tough backbone. They’ll never know what it means to fight hard for something you believe in.
Sure, some of my colleagues make it their business to make mine, and other colleagues lives intolerable (which go totally unnoticed, but I have had plenty of legal advice to help). Its fine that at one point in my life 6 older girls thought it would be cool to humiliate me in front of crowds. Its fine knowing that these days I spend my nights studying to keep myself from falling into the doom and gloom of loneliness. At least I manage to survive.
I am sure, if any of these people lived in my shoes for a day, they would learn to either accept me and all my flaws or jump off a bridge. Either way, I’m me. I won’t stop smiling, I won’t stop talking, I won’t stop being weird and I sure as hell won’t stop letting loneliness be my guide.
Sorry if this is sad, I had hoped it would be fairly positive… But I know someone out there will say otherwise.