Sy Calaelen

A Witch Moans | Life, Love and Ranting

8 Comments


This should be a quick read. Nothing major, but I have had time to contemplate and consider a fresh way to borrow out of this dark hole. At the same time, this may just be a post about me moaning about whatever crap is bugging me; so, go switch on the kettle and ignore my childish self for a while.

The year is coming to an end, and I am working on christmas eve, christmas day and possibly all over new year, as per usual. I feel a slight moan coming on… I have worked christmas day every year since I started this job. I can’t complain, the shit pay still makes it hard to get a roof over my head, and somehow manages to keep me level headed and determined to get a degree in order to get a decent job and wage as a young black woman in this world (just in case people ask why I am obsessed with getting high honours and a decent job, being black in a so called modern world is still tough, I have to work twice as hard as the folks on my fathers side just to get by; take YouTube for example, or this blog). I need a new job and a fresh start.

On top of that, I broke my vow of sexual abstinence. After 3 years of hiding away from people, I finally let loose. Part of me felt okay about it, but that has since decreased further. I have come to the conclusion that I must be a modern, cold hearted individual, who shouldn’t care about ‘the other person’, again, to get by. I am tired of having my heart broken, knowing that it will never be warmed by a final love. Besides, you can’t break a heart that’s coated in stone. Pretend that I have just shrugged. Meh.

As far as my spiritual path is going, I need a teacher. As far as I thought, I was doing okay for a beginner. Turns out I am fucked. Regardless of my 13 years as a successful and very happy witch, (not Wiccan- please don’t insult me by thinking the two are the same), or my entire childhood raised amongst Christians, Jews and Atheists, as well as Obeah in its most basic forms, nothing seems to correlate too good. Darn. I guess being a positive person these last few years means nothing in the deep occult world, or at least around other practitioners; by myself, everything is rolling okay.

I am at a crossroads. As I predicted, this year has been a year of change and growth. Intense moments have occurred, and I have gained a lot of insight. I have changed; grown up. The only problem now is rolling with the tide until the new year begins. Hopefully Janus will bring something refreshing and enlightening. Maybe new insight, and a new way to continue dealing with my depression which has come back fairly lightly. If there is one thing I know, failure is just a friend who pops by to test me. Maybe I need to continue walking this path alone, meeting other hermits on the way. I can’t go running after false hope; it has ruined the best part of me already.

This week was quiet. My phone company cut a lot of their customers off due to the changes they have accumulated, which left me thinking a lot. Mr. Qualls has told me on occasion that I over think, but with the bleak and unpopular mindset I have, I have only my mind and the Gods to speak with. This week I found I was asking myself two questions, most modern philosophers ask:

1) What is the point?

2) Why so serious?

I thought I would have answers, but, I am lost. I have grown, and well, but I am retreating to the broom closet.

Is there hope for me, when Janus breaks?

Sy, x

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Author: Sy Calaelen

Sy Calaelen is a British writer, blogger and Youtube vlogger, though she isn't filming at the moment. English literature graduate and future social work graduate. Both sites will focus on literary reviews, book lists, comic books and nerd chat, writing and novel tips, and discussions in magick, paganism and the occult. A mixture of everything from her. Reach out on social media from Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube, Instagram, GoodReads, and Pinterest.

8 thoughts on “A Witch Moans | Life, Love and Ranting

  1. Every new begining begins with dissatisfaction with what you have.
    Where is this “Magick”, this “Will” of which you speak and try to tell others about. What about USING some of it like Brasso and golden up you life. Stop griping, carping, and moan. That gives the downers a nest and a home. Shift the Want/Do/Have button further up the scale. Expect and demand Happiness and Gold (no I will not make do with a platitute and a fiver !) and get it.
    and sex (how should I know) you get as good as you give – so there.

  2. In a way, I agree with Jeff. I have grown in my own path watching you as you have grown and changed, and I have such respect and admiration for you as a person. Time to apply all that you know into continuing to influence change in your life.
    You shall do well and you shall continue to move into new things. Yes I agree that being different, esp as far as being black is concerned, is something that sadly even our pagan compatriots do not understand and cannot identify with. And, very sadly, some do not want to understand it either.
    But know that there are many people out here, whether known or unknown, that are rooting for you and want you to triumph and thrive. And that is my WILL for you… triumph and thrive!!!

  3. And about the sex…THREE YEARS!! Gyul u are a hero! I just completed one year and I feel like a champ. Think of it as you just taking a little break (pun intended) before you get back on the wagon. Sex really does complicate things and for some of us, sex without developing emotional attachment is close to impossible. Hence my own time of celibacy. Think of it as your body wanting to keep this vow, but cheating just a little to meet a very real physical need before going at it again.
    Your body was just taking a little rest. 🙂

  4. You’re a strong witch and an inspiration to many people! If someone is making you doubt yourself or making you feel ‘less’ in a way, cut them out as quick as you can because they’ll poison your mind with their arrogance. So I thought I sucked at reading the tarot for other people because I hadn’t tried in about a year but I did it the other day for a friend and it turns out I’m actually alright at it haha, if you want a reading about something hit me up (god knows I need the practice lol)! x

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