This should be a quick read. Nothing major, but I have had time to contemplate and consider a fresh way to borrow out of this dark hole. At the same time, this may just be a post about me moaning about whatever crap is bugging me; so, go switch on the kettle and ignore my childish self for a while.
The year is coming to an end, and I am working on christmas eve, christmas day and possibly all over new year, as per usual. I feel a slight moan coming on… I have worked christmas day every year since I started this job. I can’t complain, the shit pay still makes it hard to get a roof over my head, and somehow manages to keep me level headed and determined to get a degree in order to get a decent job and wage as a young black woman in this world (just in case people ask why I am obsessed with getting high honours and a decent job, being black in a so called modern world is still tough, I have to work twice as hard as the folks on my fathers side just to get by; take YouTube for example, or this blog). I need a new job and a fresh start.
On top of that, I broke my vow of sexual abstinence. After 3 years of hiding away from people, I finally let loose. Part of me felt okay about it, but that has since decreased further. I have come to the conclusion that I must be a modern, cold hearted individual, who shouldn’t care about ‘the other person’, again, to get by. I am tired of having my heart broken, knowing that it will never be warmed by a final love. Besides, you can’t break a heart that’s coated in stone. Pretend that I have just shrugged. Meh.
As far as my spiritual path is going, I need a teacher. As far as I thought, I was doing okay for a beginner. Turns out I am fucked. Regardless of my 13 years as a successful and very happy witch, (not Wiccan- please don’t insult me by thinking the two are the same), or my entire childhood raised amongst Christians, Jews and Atheists, as well as Obeah in its most basic forms, nothing seems to correlate too good. Darn. I guess being a positive person these last few years means nothing in the deep occult world, or at least around other practitioners; by myself, everything is rolling okay.
I am at a crossroads. As I predicted, this year has been a year of change and growth. Intense moments have occurred, and I have gained a lot of insight. I have changed; grown up. The only problem now is rolling with the tide until the new year begins. Hopefully Janus will bring something refreshing and enlightening. Maybe new insight, and a new way to continue dealing with my depression which has come back fairly lightly. If there is one thing I know, failure is just a friend who pops by to test me. Maybe I need to continue walking this path alone, meeting other hermits on the way. I can’t go running after false hope; it has ruined the best part of me already.
This week was quiet. My phone company cut a lot of their customers off due to the changes they have accumulated, which left me thinking a lot. Mr. Qualls has told me on occasion that I over think, but with the bleak and unpopular mindset I have, I have only my mind and the Gods to speak with. This week I found I was asking myself two questions, most modern philosophers ask:
1) What is the point?
2) Why so serious?
I thought I would have answers, but, I am lost. I have grown, and well, but I am retreating to the broom closet.
Is there hope for me, when Janus breaks?