[Ed. I was supposed to publish this last Friday 30th November, but due to the lack if Internet access it has been postponed until today. Bare in mind, it is a few days old. The feelings I had then have subsided a bi since.]
It seems all that I have been learning, and noting down has been pretty good since that eventful change in May. Ever since Book 4 crept into my dreams, it took me a month to finally get my arse back down to Atlantis Books opposite the British Museum, to purchase it. Most of you know what happened, either from the video or the post about how that invisible spirit kept urging me to do a reading, to prove to myself that I needed the book (since I wasn’t listening to it much at the time). This “spirit friend” has been around for as long as I can remember, helping me out with mundane decision making, or just being a shoulder to cry on. I have no idea what it is, but up until recently I just assume it is a manifestation of some kind and most probably not my HGA. Sad face.
I squealed before about how much my path excites me, and how rare I find trouble or difficulty pulling intelligence out of the bullshit that is out there. I have found myself in a place that is pure, refreshing and second nature. I could write up a ritual within minutes, plan it and perform it within days or weeks. Magick has become so normal in my life, that I literally breathe it. I mean that in both ways, spiritually (living it) and fundamentally (understanding it). For me, my life has taught me that you need both ends of a pole to fully grasp it. For those of you who have access to the Kybalion, refer to the Principle of Polarity—“Everything is dual; everything has poles; everything has Its pair of opposites; like and unlike are the same; opposites are identical in nature, but different in degree; extremes meet; all truths are but half-truths; all paradoxes may be reconciled.”–The Kybalion. Otherwise, think of life/spirituality/magick like a pole. At one end you have theory, which involves books, knowledge, philosophy and your own thoughts. At the other end you have magick, which involves practice, meditation, ordeals and your own methods. You need both ends to balance equally so you can hold the pole on its side. If you go from one extreme to the other, it will be a struggle to get back to the centre – that’s natural and spiritual gravity, dear.
Naturally, as stated before, magick and theory are easy for me. I do hype theory more to you folks because that is one area which is overlooked by the majority and New Age practitioners. I just assume the phrase, “Without theory, you wouldn’t have knowledge; without knowledge you wouldn’t have magick; without magick you wouldn’t have theory.” Its a phrase I coined when I gave a small talk at a moot years back about why common sense in magickal practices is so paramount. It couldn’t be more useful now. I am learning a lot about Thelema, the theory behind it and I am stripping away at the mindset of Crowley. I am loving every second both intellectually, and physically.
My body reacts to what my spirit is guiding me to. If I try to look up my old notebooks on Celtic magic, my body will immediately start to shut down and become lethargic. My guide is saying I shouldn’t bother, and deep down I know why. It’s as if the chemicals in my brain are fine tuning themselves to listen to what spirit commands, by storing away the old lessons, and only keeping the needed lessons afresh. So, Thelema is constantly keeping me alive. It sounds corny but I feel Thelema in my blood and it feels good. As much as I want to better my mind, and get to the nitty gritty of theory, my practice is letting me down.
Sadly, I am failing utterly at the practice. Partly because Crowley writes in a manner that is sometimes mind-boggling or inconceivable to most, and partly due to how hard I am punishing myself. My confidence has grown a bit more since taking up more of an official relationship with this religion, but my excitement has also pushed me down to the cold, hard ground. I attempted to film myself doing the LBRP yesterday, to the utter dismay of a magician buddy of mine. He isn’t a Thelemite, but he does look to Crowley’s works for other insight. He has been breaking down the LBRP for me over the last few days as I have been screwing up enough already. He has been cool, emailing me tips, advice and other versions, but my childishness and nervousness got the better of me and I fucked up. Thankfully, the Angels seem okay. The Gods of each quarter too, as nothing bad has happened. I am just gutted at myself.
I want to be as good as I was before. This whole feeling of being “new” is bugging me like crazy. I am a witch. A mild occultist of 13+ years. My whole life has been one spiritual creation, in my garden of truth; so why after all this time and experience have I hit this road block? Why am I suddenly unable to apply the Principle of Polarity here, and see both ends well enough to find my balance?
I was asked by another friend why I beat myself up about something he considers fair and small. To be honest, I beat myself up because I am on my own. That is what I am used to. I got myself this far (and my spirit helped, and the Gods, so I’m not technically alone). I don’t have anyone to impress or anything; it’s just determination. I have to believe in myself. It doesn’t matter how many people I meet along the way, I am the only one paying my metaphysical mortgage. I could love someone so much, and help them, and friend them and hate them all at the same time, but their enlightenment will be down to them, and them alone. Thelema has become my lust, but for the first time in my life I feel the need to fight for it to love me. Love, not Lust.
I am glad I know so much about magickal theory, the polarity of essence and practice. I just need to get this new work right.
I guess this ordeal isn’t over any time soon.
Love is the Law, 93, 93/93 x