Sy Calaelen

When Quality Dies | I Deleted 50+ Videos

6 Comments


Do you know what it’s like knowing no matter much you want to integrate or become part of the ‘group’, you can’t? There are changes occurring, both spiritual and on a material level. In order for me to get my head around these changes I have done a few things that will ease the lessons I’ll need to grasp. The idea for this post was to detail the magical formulas of L.V.X, I.A.O. and possibly touch on INRI and NOX. However wonderful those formulas and philosophical theories are, therein lies the problem. I won’t explain them well, let alone be able to show you how to operate them as I am still trying to work my way through them. As a few very magickally adept practitioners constantly remind me, I am going through the dark night of the soul. My soul is yearning to meet my higher self, and in doing so exposing my inner, most sensitive core. As you can imagine it is exciting and scary at the same time.

I have so many thoughts swimming around my head. So, so many. I wish I could open a small door to let them fall out. The only way they have gotten out so far is in my new magick Moleskine. Even then, its just a jumble of paragraphs and pages that all have one theme in common: change. Now, my thoughts are still rather convoluted so bare with me as you read this. I have devised a small point list thing to help guide my words. Hopefully it will make sense.

1) The pagan community on YouTube:
Okay, for those of you who know me, especially over the last few years, I am a typical young lady who is no longer a child, but not yet a woman. I am a confused wreck, who seeks comfort and confirmation in order to have a boost of confidence. You all know I am not someone who finds making friends very easy at all. However, when I joined the community back in 07? I made a ton of friends, and then started to vlog in 09. It has been a lovely journey. Meeting and greeting people from all over the world, and forming friendships I could only ever dream of. I met most of my best friends within the community, and I thank the Gods each time I hear from them. Jack, as most of you know has a successful book binding business and I support him all the way. Candace is not only spiritual, creative and hot, she is a wonderful photographer. I could go into a ton of detail concerning many people I love and admire as friends, but that would take a while, but know I love you.

(Do your thing Flora!)

Now, with the good times, you get the bad. I have issues with homelessness, money and depression, which meant I have been away from the YouTube community for an awful long time. But, long before all of that stopped me from vlogging there were cracks within the community. Sadly, some vloggers didn’t say my name in their rant videos, but they described me quite well. There aren’t many London witches in YouTube land, let alone back in 2010. I am someone who is neutral or mostly positive. I like to give advice or ask for help. I stopped doing too many VR’s and stopped my readings. I became overwhelmed with the amount of people wanting things or information rather than making friends. It became a place where some individuals wanted fame and numbers, rather than quality. Speed forward 2 more years and now the themes are, drama, fame, quantity and business. There doesn’t seem to be much quality out there anymore and its getting on my nerves. There are a very small number of vloggers who are there for expression of thought and to make friends, like me and the folks from before 2011. Those are the people I will support continuously because I know they will succeed on a more grounded level, instead of being something they are not.

For the lack of interest in quality, I deleted even more videos. Totalling something like 125 videos that have gone since I first started clearing up months ago. I have a few more I want to delete. Mostly because the personal message I embedded in each one is no longer something I want to share, and partly because I am an academic witch. No one likes a boring know it all who could summon spirits quite easily, instead of casting love spell after love spell, now do they?

2) The Holy Laws and Maxims I adhere to:

I will go into more detail about these sometime. Maybe. Depends on if you want to know.

The main areas I stem insight, balance and practice from are:

♣The Maxims of Ptah-Hotep
♣The Book of the Law
♣The Kybalion (check my Hermeticism series so far to get an idea)

Other areas of interest come from the Wiccan Rede (even though I am not a wiccan), Gestalt prayer (thanks to TheFourQueens and my old yet horrid psychology teacher), 42 Virtues of Ma’at, Yogic sutras and Buddhist sutras. I am sure there are others, but I can’t think of them right now.

For me, life is about living the Middle way. If I see something bad happening I won’t walk away, but neither will I stay. Exempli gratia: the YouTube pagans–I will continue making videos, but I won’t worry about the dramas or quantity. My channel is for me, just like the choices I make I life. I am there for me now, and that suits me quite well.

The other point comes down to my sudden ascension or spiritual growth of some kind? I have found the path I am meant to be on, or at least the path I need to follow for now. I have been pointed to this path for years, and it seems that the Gods have had total control. Its wonderful, fun, bad and crazy. These days, the phrase “To be silent,” couldn’t be more obvious. I am learning things at a pace that is fast and new. I also understand with my many failed attempts at asking for help and receiving none via my vlogs, the lessons I learn are to be kept secret until further notice. At the same time, my Thelemite, occult, witch, yoga and pagan friends have been amazing. These people aren’t in the YouTube pagan community, and you can see why that is refreshing. So far, my confidence has fallen dramatically and now I feel to keep my worries, confusion and wanderings to myself and a small number of these offline folks. Before, I may have uploaded various topics and openly discussed my lessons, but nowadays I am limiting my thesis to my blog, journals and future books.

Basically, I am becoming more alone on this path, partly due to choice and partly because the YouTube pagans make it clear there isn’t much space for thinking outside the circle.

To be continued… As another post.

Sy, x

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Author: Sy Calaelen

Sy Calaelen is a British writer, blogger and Youtube vlogger, though she isn't filming at the moment. English literature graduate and future social work graduate. Both sites will focus on literary reviews, book lists, comic books and nerd chat, writing and novel tips, and discussions in magick, paganism and the occult. A mixture of everything from her. Reach out on social media from Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube, Instagram, GoodReads, and Pinterest.

6 thoughts on “When Quality Dies | I Deleted 50+ Videos

  1. I could count on one had the number of people I could truly talk with about my spirituality I moved to Texas and so now I have learned to keep my own counsel. I have learned that the strength we seek is not be found outside ourselves. Let me know if you would be open to receiving emails or direct messages. I would like to share more with you but not so publicly. Hang in there. Most initiations are toughies. Initiation is just another name for dark night of the soul. And it is not just one night. Looking forward to you next blog or vlog whichever comes first.

    • That would be awesome!! I think you rock!!

      I am mentioning that in the next post. I sort of messed up when writing it out so I didn’t get to publish it yesterday. Thank you for being able to understand it so far. I was worried it didn’t make sense.

  2. I love you Sy, have been watching your videos and reading your blog for a long time now, and there are no complaints from me! I do feel there is a limit as to how open we can be on YouTube, but feel it’s a lot easier to open up via blog and writing up my thoughts. 🙂 Blessings! )O(

  3. I’m glad I had the opportunity to watch a few of your videos before you went on a deletion spree. You put a great deal of yourself into them, one can see how they would have been liberating at the time but could be felt an impediment now.

    As youtube is famous for its spiteful trolls as much as its nice people, I find it amazing how anyone can have the courage to give in such a public way. I really don’t understand how some can become more interested in the tool itself and banal, prideful statistics wars, rather than using it productively.

    Sometimes the journey can feel like one goes a step forward and many back. As if a lot of things in this country are set up to keep people in place; making personal progress so pitifully slow it doesn’t feel like progress at all.

    It took me a while to realise that the thing negativities of life really have no defence against is a single person with a book in their hand and a few indefatigably constant presences.

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