Rant | Confusion Profusion

I have no idea what to title this post, so I guess it’s just an inquisitive rant of some kind. I’m sitting here with a cup of tea, looking at a pile of books and my journals wondering where I have gone wrong.

I am an advocate of people finding their owns paths, practising them thoroughly and carving their own truths. You don’t have to be religious to do it, you just have to work out what morals you want to uphold and live it. That all seems well and good, until last night. I have suddenly felt, all that I have done magickally has been rewarding and beautiful, but when I speak of my practices to other people, they are quick to point out my flaws and how my rewards are wrong. To be honest, I am listening more these days. I am worried that all the good things that have happened aren’t right. I know that sounds completely wrong, but imagine receiving an overwhelming realisation that all that you have done does not compare to what everyone else has done. Its scary. It hurts.

I am at a crossroads. Do I deny my successes in order to follow the written path everyone else follows, stating it is true? Or do I continue my path, and bare the consequences of more gifts, knowledge and such without being able to share? I am just clueless.

My theories are stupid. My thought processes more than anything are over the top or convoluted. I can never explain myself properly, but the Gods know I try. What kind of teacher will I be if I can’t explain Shakespeare in a way that everyone else will understand? I am a worrier, sorry.

Of late, I have been dreaming about the name ‘Zenais’ without knowing what it was or where it came from, so I thought I would Google it and see. I found out it was a name, but I also found out it’s the female version of Zeus. Seems nice right? All the study I am doing on the HGA, sigils etc lead me to ask the Gods for a bit of a kick. It is something I do normally and quite happily. I always ask the Gods for help, and within the last few days this unknown word popped up in my dreams.

To be honest, not only did I not know how to say it, but I thought it was a fruit of some kind. I figured I would ask a friend about it, telling him what happened in my dream. At first he said, “Yeah, the Gods are definitely trying to tell you something, just listen in.” So I agreed and just let it simmer. Then I made the mistake of running up ideas about what it could mean. I ran along the lines of a name I could give my HGA since it would be forever before they told me what theirs was, or maybe its a name I could apply to myself due to Zeus being one of my patrons, big daddy. His reply was less than what I expected. It didn’t quite answer what I asked, or at least I didn’t realise until I asked another friend last night. I already pressed the send button and felt a sudden bout of dread. Why am I asking? What is the point? Why am I searching like this? Not many people will understand this, let alone give me the correct advice.

I was very stressed last night anyway, and the thought of 13 years of goodness just came to a halt. It all felt so right. But now, knowing that a pile of books and my written work is just sitting by my bed, I suddenly feel at a loss. Part of me is saying to continue, accept my loneliness and just live the best I can. The other part is saying give up and start again. Its all too frustrating. Grr.

I am just going through the motions I think. Normally I would ask the Gods to help, but for the first time I feel I can’t. I feel that I have failed somewhere and need to find out where, before I continue on.

Confused, helpless and secluded—and, not by choice.