I’m ranting…….. Sorry if this post seems grammatically wrong, and if the syntax is awful and the general sense of it is negative, but I’ve been having a conversation with Phoenix and I’m a little upset and angry….
Are a loner or an introvert? I am. Society would deem this ideal as wrong on an almighty scale. “You must socialise! Be with other people and make friends! (Or you will die a million deaths!)” That is usually what I get. Without fully understanding some of the basic reasons why I hate being lonely, yet revel in being an introvert you honestly couldn’t picture the turmoil of everyday living. Back in January after seeing something I didn’t expect, and then feeling even more phased out by the last set of people I saw as friends, I made the decision to be more relaxed and open minded about people, and friends.
I’ve always found it difficult to make friends and I’ve told people too many times, but the hurt that comes with spilling your guts to someone who does not care about you is too overwhelming for me. Making friends, trusting people and the idea of finding a love is so farfetched; it worries me and holds me back. Instead of fighting it, and working hard on how to be an extrovert I have decided to just be who I am. So far, it has been great. I’ve learnt to take my time and just accept things as they are and not try too much. Trying to be a good friend, a good person is probably the most damaging thing I could do to myself. I know that is negative, but I have a weird habit which renders me incredibly stupid. There are people in my life I would love to see reflect the love I have for them back to me. These people are part of what I would call my last chapter which ended back in March. I still consider them to be friends, just not close friends as I feel they have pushed me away. I won’t instigate anything, I’ll just be here to give them one worded answers and move on. I tend to cling to people because for a moment I feel like someone actually likes me for who I am and it excites me. I actually successfully made friends and also crashed to the ground due to the same people.
The worst thing that happens with a friendship is the one sided contact. I listen to your woes, but you never listen to mine (hence my blog), but for some reason the very worst news never reaches my ears via your mouth. I find out either through other people or on the modern sociable networks. When i confront you or those people about why they didn’t think to come to me, they either back off or assume saying sorry would make things better. I smile at them and pretend that everything is fine now that I know, but inside I’m crying. I feel betrayed and worse still, I criticise myself for being the person you or they repel. I found out about something horrible earlier this year from someone I no longer contact or trust, and for me that was the smack in the face I needed to wake up.
I was talking about toxic friends with Phoenix and he gave me a ton of advice. Phoenix and I have been friends for some time, but he came across my Youtube channel and his comments went from there. We have gone from being online buddies to being best buds who meet up in the City for a spot of coffee and shopping when we can, and using Blackberry Messenger every single day. We argue, we laugh, we have fun but the main thing I love is the fact that our friendship goes both ways because we understand each other. I told him of a situation I had with a friend who had a few bad experiences, and just happened to forget to tell me (someone he called one of his best friends) and he said something that had been on my mind for months:
“See this is why people fuck me off. You tell them every detail of your life and then the other c**t don’t even tell you when someone just ups n dies one day. This shit is out of line!”
I must admit, I am a fool for thinking people like me for who I am. I guess that is just the annoying naive sentiment that has grown with me during my lonely years. As much as I hate being alone, it has only been the last few years that I’ve interacted with a ton of people thanks to Youtube and my blog and I’m learning to adjust to that. I still dream of having that circle of friends who I can go to at any moment and just relax, cry and laugh with. I know that dream is something I need to stop assuming will happen. It won’t. I need to stop myself and just be in the moment. Learn how to be alone properly and be okay with it. I need to stop being so negative about myself and stop assuming the world is messed up because of me. Like I said, I am becoming more relaxed. If you don’t want to tell me anything, that is fine. If you do, that is fine too. I’m not going anywhere.
I’m going to apply the Four Noble Truths to my future friendships I think… Otherwise I’ll end up assuming everything is fine when it isn’t.
Rant over… I’ve been listening to Limp Bizkit all day and they always manage to make me feel better.