It is easy to talk about the Gods from a non-personal angle by saying ‘The Gods love us no matter what’, without it sounding in at least life changing. Statements like that start out as an emotional ploy to help someone, but over time it is repeated so much that it loses all feeling and becomes generic. When a previously powerful statement becomes overused, it can seem like nothing much can help you when you are at a rough point in life. That’s where I’m at right now. I have been in a rut for so long, partly due to stress, work, still living between homes and Youtube. All of the anxiety that built up over the last few months before Yule until now made my shrink decide I was on a roller coaster descending at a pace I needed to control; sadly I couldn’t and ended up in a 5 month depressive low. It is only now that I feel things are slowly falling into order with a flexible routine.
I’m still feeling incredibly low, but I’m doing the best I can especially when I preoccupy myself with spiritual activities. For the past week I’ve been trying to look within to find what makes people treat me the way they do. I found myself asking ‘Why do people like me? And why do others dislike me?’ I guess those questions have been asked since the beginning of the human race. We spend so much time trying to impress other people, make them laugh and go out of our way to be someone else. There are only a few moments life when we stop and have to wake ourselves up. It doesn’t make any sense to try and answer such an inevitably predictable rhetorical question. In a weird way, since I’m thinking about it now, isn’t life supposed to be an experience, but a whole rhetorical one at the same time? So in a way, you ought to live for now, for today rather than spending a whole life in regret knowing you were trying to find something to cover up your true self, your true feelings. I am a fan of living for today, but living without shame whilst having this great experience (as long as you don’t offend anyone, you are fine =P).
I found myself sitting in the bath reading and rereading lovely emails I had received from my viewers, stating how they find me inspirational and cool, down to earth and quite the genteel lady according to one person. Its nice reading those letters of thought, so thank you, they make me smile. I can only be myself, but living with who I am and being the receiver of taunts and insults my whole life leaves me questioning my whole being. When I think about my closeness with the Gods, coupled with these lovely compliments from strangers I have never met, I feel warm inside. I feel I have achieved a lot, just by being me and putting my life in the hands of the Gods. I have done things either with magick or not where I wondered what lesson I would receive from the Gods, and believe me I have learnt a lot! One would be that Zeus never really talks to me, or anyone else that I know, he just gives you that “I’m so disappointed in you” look, or he pops into my head when I want revenge against someone, he just takes my pain away. Little things that the Gods do for you, and me are subtle and can easily be missed, but if you learn to stop and just be in the moment you will feel the love they have to share.
At the moment, as mentioned before, I going through a rut that is really hurting me deep down, but instead of asking what is wrong with me and trying to change that, I have decided on asking the Gods to take control and do with me as they please. I know that sounds like a ploy to just give up, but that is not what I am doing, I am merely asking the Gods to send me on a journey or to learn a well needed lesson for the next chapter of my life. All I have to do is trust in them, continue to live life as it is whilst letting go of the idea of the ‘perfect life’. Horace once wrote, “Memento mori” as a gentle philosophical reminder to know your limits and use that as a tool to help seize the day. That’s what I am going to do tonight as it were, in a small ritual I have created to formally inform the Gods that the time is now for me to start living well.
Everything I want to say, I will be brave and just say it, when in the past I used to keep quiet in fear of scrutiny. The choices, morals and ethics I have picked to create a beautiful path for myself define who I am and I will not change in fear of being judged. I don’t really care anymore. No one can judge you, they don’t have the right. No one can tell you how to live your life. If someone ridicules you because of the paper you read, or your dietary choice, don’t let their words hurt you, let them sting only to make you stronger. If you are spiritual like me, the only individuals who can judge you are the Gods, so ultimately that generic statement is true, and most defiantly full of emotional meaning. The Gods love you no matter what.
Memento mori – Horace, “Remember you are mortal”.