Sy Calaelen

Not Racing To The Bedroom?

5 Comments


[updated 8/Apr/2012]

The benefits of celibacy, being strict or not, just saying no and just not connecting with the nether regions of other people can be very rewarding. Firstly, you become more aware of your being; who you are, what you like physically and emotionally, plus you can set up your boundaries. Secondly, you become more aware of other people, their attitudes and their likes and dislikes. Lastly, you learn that there are other things in life to worry about, some of the things you learnt pre-virginity like conversation and debate. These days, it seems that sex is the glue that holds people together, and personally, it shouldn’t be as sex in a well established relationship is the bonus point machine.

Like I mentioned in my previous post, this year I may flip my teachings’ on their head and explore sex in a more intellectual manner by reading, researching and taking notes on the attitudes of sex. Who knows what I’ll find? For now, for those of you who are unaware of the privileges on not part-taking in sex, let me share with you some experiences. Take into consideration that the vast majority of people I’ve met, including men, don’t react well when I tell them about my morals and feelings of sex. People look at me like some sort of sour lemon lady, and it baffles them even more when they realise I’m 23. (Apparently I come from another planet, as one guy told me).

I noticed after I decided I wasn’t going to be any guys’ friend, who my real friends were and who were not. Sounds simple, being able to differentiate but it wasn’t. I was naïve and I still am today. I was lonely, but I knew I had to be my own friend and just get on with life, and this was when I stopped sex. At first it didn’t bother me, then time crept on and saying no felt like an empty gun. The word no didn’t seem to have much force behind it so I needed to look at my reasons. Once I had worked them out, being spiritual and personal, I would often sit and contemplate the ideal scenario.

I went on a lunch date with a guy I met, and he was beautiful. The difference between him and I was the lead up to our first meeting and the 4 following meetings. I read books, kept up to date with fashion, the news and culture. I explored more areas of my spiritual path, paid bills, worked and talked with online friends about life. He, on the other hand had sex with 7 other women, received unsatisfactory oral sex from an unknown woman he met, paid off his new car and was deciding on a holiday with his mates. As far as I am concerned, he lived quite a full life but when we heard each other’s hobbies we both switched off and thought them boring. (Let me just ask, why is fashion boring? It’s not! Its art and the only method in keeping my legs warm, grr). When I told him I wouldn’t have sex until I was settled he laughed, poked my arm (O_o) and then noticed I was being serious. The look on his face summed his feelings up. He said something like the following, “oh. Are you serious? Well, that’s good, yeah… *cough* erm, I gotta go out for a second… Erm,” then he left to make a ‘phone call’.

I remember going to Brighton, as I did a lot in the 1st and 2nd year of celibacy to meet friends who studied at the university and they couldn’t believe I was abstaining. Their ideology was one of concern. One girl, who I shall call Holly*, and I had been one of those friends where we met on the internet and loved to email each other about everything. Holly and I went walking in the early evening around the North Laines just to get some air when she stopped me, mid flow of a conversation to ask why I had given up on love. I explained that I hadn’t, but I just saw sex as a sacred tool and I didn’t want to throw it around for the sake of fitting in or for an hour’s worth of non-emotional pleasure. She was even more concerned and I didn’t realise why until she explained that for someone like me, who has had nothing but bad luck with men, keeping the one thing used as my own advert locked away meant guys would misunderstand and perhaps hurt me more. I had not thought of that, and it stung like crazy. My love life, or the incredible lack of it, would be stifled. What one would now expect to do is drop it and find a date, yes? Well, I didn’t. I had a feeling there was someone out there with similar views and I was just going to hold off until I found them.

If I have the views I do, surely out of 7 billion people a handful would too? Right?

There were many benefits to abstaining from sex. It meant that each time I met a potentially new friend I could build up an intellectual bond with them, which meant they would be my friend (if they wanted) without the thought of sex. Sex was just out of the frame. Another benefit was the freedom and the lessons learnt. I found sex to be severely underrated and used in a manner that seemed selfish. Sex isn’t just a by product of passing time or competing with your friends, it’s a time of openly sharing your bits with someone other than your Dr or nurse. Who in their right mind would gladly walk around naked for the sake of it? Besides nudists, who do it to make a valid point. I have wobbly bits like any person, and abstaining from sex means I can focus on looking good, practising my speech and work out the kinks. In some way I’m polishing myself for the right moment, and it’s that thought that keeps me in line.

There are other reasons why I refuse sex, and what I didn’t mention (although I did mention it in a video now that I’m thinking about it) was I had non-consensual sex at 14 and it devastated my view on trust, friendship and men for a long time. It’s still something that sits in the back of my head each time I meet a new face, but according to my therapist, “accusing men of being a potential criminal is fine, but don’t let it out of your head and do not believe it, just be careful.”

I guess the main reason most people abstain from sex is to prevent their hearts or bodies from being hurt in any way, especially women. From a young age I finally realised, my life is mine and I shall live by my own rules, without following the herd. If you are still young, you should too. Realise that sex or your partner at this moment in time aren’t going to move you from one life stage to the next, enjoy what you have but realise we are all individuals with our own needs. Take time and work out what you want, and what they want. Everything will fall into place. Have faith.

Sy x

Just a quick note, Elle, Marie Claire, Glamour and Yoga Journal helped shape me into the mind conscious woman I am today, so check them out and you’ll see how amazing you can be. For the guys, GQ, Esquire and your sisters Elle are great too, according to a friend of mine 😛 [thanks Squid].

Related Content – this post was published after I wrote my one, but I read it and just had to link it here:

Celibacy and the Bodhisattva – SBPraxis

Author: Sy Calaelen

Sy Calaelen is a British writer, blogger and Youtube vlogger, though she isn't filming at the moment. English literature graduate and future social work graduate. Both sites will focus on literary reviews, book lists, comic books and nerd chat, writing and novel tips, and discussions in magick, paganism and the occult. A mixture of everything from her. Reach out on social media from Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube, Instagram, GoodReads, and Pinterest.

5 thoughts on “Not Racing To The Bedroom?

  1. If you take book recommendations I have two which are very different in nature but relate to things you talk about here. First is a novel, The Unbearable Lightness of Being (Milan Kundera), which discusses the weight of one’s life and shows transitions from a light life, which is similar to what phone-call-guy was living and a heavy life, which it seems you’re more after. I’m borrowing the books terms here.

    The second book is Language and Sexuality (Cameron and Kulick). It’s a text book on how language shows western ideas of sex and sexuality. It uses language to show what is culturally embedded in us about sex and then expands upon it with ideas held by various schools of thought. It’s a textbook, but it’s pretty interesting.

    • Thank you!! So far I have a few titles, one by one of my favourite journalists Hephzibah Anderson called ‘Chastened’ which documented a year of celibacy and what she learnt.

      Thank you again for these, I’ve just ordered them =]

  2. This is a great topic, and thanks for being so frank about it. As far as sex goes, personally I wouldn’t want to abstain, myself, but at the same time I’m not one for the casual hookup. Is it nice in the moment? Hopefully. But you have to, at some point, realize you don’t really know that person, where they’ve been or how their health is, and once you’ve had sex with them, it could change your life in a not-so-great way. I’ve always been more of a relationship person myself, in general; I don’t really even enjoy casual dating, to be completely honest. It feels like a job interview.

    My personal advice? Be open to the idea of sex when you meet the right person; the right person won’t care or think it’s weird. With that said, I think it’s totally normal for someone to say something like “oh really?”. Let’s face it: these days, if you’re in your 20s alot of people think that’s ancient to not have had sex, so don’t be put off by that reaction alone.

    If it makes you feel better, I was almost 21, and all of my friends thought that was totally insane. And I don’t regret the age at which I did, but I do regret the person, and once you do it, you can’t take it back. So you’re making the right decision for you; when you’re there, you’ll know 🙂

  3. Loved reading this!!! I just turned 26 and I’m still a virgin (never had sex). Dated many guys but never found anyone i connected spiritually with so had to be the bad guy and dump them. Btw, love your blog, you are a very intelligent girl!!!!!

  4. I agree with everything you’ve said. I was never one to follow the herd either. I never had a boyfriend until I was 22. I never met anyone before that who I thought was decent enough. I didn’t sleep with anyone before that either, and I am proud of that. For a long time I really did want to wait until I ha married a man before I slept with him, because I wanted sex to be about connecting on an intimate, spiritual level, with someone I trusted and was 100% comfertable with. And then I met my first boyfriend, and got it all wrong. I waited all those years and got with a total ass who totally pulled the wool over my eyes and used me. So I really do regret not waiting for the man (or woman) who’d put a ring on my finger. But hey, it is what it is. I wish more people would see sex how you and I do. I was often looked at like a freak aswell, so I know how it feels. I have been single for a while now, and I won’t be putting out at all until I meet someone I’m very sure of. I’m even thinking of not having sex at all with any new partner until I’m married, and we’re head over heels in love. Its not for religious reasons just because I think sex should be between soulmates, I really am old-fashioned. Its so refreshing that you haven’t compromised your beliefs, and you’ve made me really reallize that I’m not alone in how I view sex. There is so much more to people and relationships, and bonding. Sorry to rant, loved this post Sy!. Peace and Love

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