Sy Calaelen

Breaking Sexual Silence

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This year will be an eye opener, or at least I hope it will be. Sex is not something I bring up, unless someone asks for my opinion or a way to challenge my religious views and ideas on it. Sex has four main functions in my book, 1) making love helps the bond between lovers much deeper, 2) making love brings about children, 3) sex is used as a method in helping time go by, which I do not see the common sense in and lastly 4) another way to keep your body clean and maximise the immune system (take heed in the danger of STIs!). My views on sex and love making (as I see them as two different aspects) may make me look like a prude, and I really don’t mind =]

Where do I start? My beliefs or the impact previous sexual antics have gotten me? I think I’ll take you back to the first time I had consensual sex. I was 16, it was a drunken night, and seemed to go on forever. As you can imagine, since that previous sentence was incredibly short, it was not life changing in anyway. Then I went on to meet a lovely guy who was a few years older than me who would sit and make me take notes on love, marriage and sex. He also popped my ‘porn cherry’, but the night he let me watch one of his films it was not sordid in anyway. Later he became a bedroom lover and I fell for him immediately. We would meet up, watch movies, gossip and geek over comic books every week and I fell even deeper for him. He was always kind hearted, always knew how to cheer me up when I was down but he had a wicked tongue that would lie to me often. Each time he said “We’re good friends aren’t we? Friends do things for each other no matter what,” I would allow myself to fall under his spell. From the outlook he looked like the perfect boyfriend, and as far as I was concerned he was. I was young remember, so the emotions were confusing, overwhelming and they couldn’t work with my head. I knew something wasn’t right with our friendship and I had to end it. I was just his play thing, and the thought of it made me sick. This was the first time I came to the conclusion that some men/women only want sex without the strings.

I had been single my whole life until I was 22. The thought if having children, buying a house and being married to a man who would love me was wearing thin. I don’t know what the future holds and maybe I could meet someone in time, but between now and possibly then the idea of sex and its connotations have been on my mind of late. I met my first boyfriend through Youtube (believe it or not) and we dated for 5 months. It was a good start for my love life as I built up communication and we would spend a lot of time just talking about things. It was hard some days as he lived in Belgium, and when I was having a bad day he wasn’t there to hug me. Now, he was my boyfriend and he cared about me and I cared about him so love making wouldn’t be a problem. That’s where the idea of love making comes in. It is something only couples with strings can do. One day once my heart has fully healed I’ll be open to another relationship, which will include love making. As long as I’m in a relationship, love making is fine but I need to know if they love me. However, sex between relationships is still shaky ground in my world and I’ll explain why.

When I was 20 I took up celibacy as a root within my spirituality, and one main path known as brahmacharya. This is one of the 8 spokes on the wheel or one of the 8 paths of the yogi. I’m not strictly celibate, as I have mentioned before that I would only have sex when I’m in a relationship. There are basic rules I follow and I make sure I stick to them at least, and one being the ability to say ‘no’. The words ‘no’ and ‘I want to know you better’ are sometimes a poisonous words for young people especially here, but learn to embrace them and I am sure you will smile. Without the thought of men on my mind I found I could concentrate more on other aspects. I developed a nice sense of awareness of my attitude, my body and my thoughts as well as that of other people. I would sit and listen to people talk endlessly about their partners and the people they had sex with outside of their relationships and it bored me. I didn’t think that they were whores or anything; I just figured they were misguided, bored and just sad. Everything they said would clog my brain and trying to keep up with the names became unbearable. I had to stop listening to them, and focus on other subjects in the world. When I first started studying the idea of brahmacharya I realised I wanted to connect to the world in other ways, which lead me to meditation, magick and free time to do whatever I wanted. This helped form friendships with a lot of people as they knew I was someone with high expectations and took morals deeply (and this helped me work out decent people from the not so decent). Sadly, I’ve not had much practice with guys but I’ve written up a small monologue that I will use each time I happen upon a sex mad individual wearing a ‘Mr. Nice Guy’ suit:

“Sorry I don’t like to have sex with anyone unless I’m in a relationship with someone, or with a friend where I know guilt will never creep on us.”

Or

“I’m celibate, sorry.” – Only if he is really odd.

My spirituality plays a huge role in my life, so why not have aspects of your spiritual life connected to your whole life? I cast spells, call quarters like any other witch but I take heed in the knowledge that I am a child of the Gods, and if I do my best to keep my world in good balance in Their Name, then why not respect my body in the same manner? Creating and understanding the common sense view of sex applies to me in that sense; I shan’t have sex just because everyone else is. My body is mine, and mine alone and who I chose to share it with is my decision. This year however, I’ll be more confident in saying no, and passing guys off, but I won’t be strict. It will be a bit of a challenge since men don’t even look my way, but if they do I want to make the effort to let them know I’m available for love making only. I’m sly like that. I want to have a guilt free love life, that’s all.

What are your thoughts on spiritual sex or the idea of general sex?

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Author: Sy Calaelen

Sy Calaelen is a British writer, blogger and Youtube vlogger, though she isn't filming at the moment. English literature graduate and future social work graduate. Both sites will focus on literary reviews, book lists, comic books and nerd chat, writing and novel tips, and discussions in magick, paganism and the occult. A mixture of everything from her. Reach out on social media from Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube, Instagram, GoodReads, and Pinterest.

One thought on “Breaking Sexual Silence

  1. I agree with you, sex is special and is best between people in a committed relationship. Sex is taken so lightly and casual in our society, pretty much everything is sold using sex. Like food and clothes and even some stuff completely unrelated to sex. I also think that alot of women don’t know how their body works and it’s sad. So many women don’t masturbate or understand how their bodies work, and with teenage girls I think it’s a huge problem. Those girls learn nothing from sex ed except that if you have sex you’re gonna die or get pregnant. Which of course they pretty much ignore, and they’re curious about sex so they just go out with some guy just for sex. If they taught girls about masturbation they’d be less curious and more discerning with the guys they want to be with.
    Also virginity is so valued that hymen reconstruction is one of the most popular “cosmetic” surgeries. But then the “whore” archetype is also extremely prevalent. Alot of ads and tv shows etc are even trying to depict both at once; a virginal, but experienced/sexy woman. Kind of a contradiction.
    If you look up “killing us softly 4” there’s a great lecture about sexist ads and such.

    About me; I have a boyfriend that I’ve had for 5 years and we’ve visited eachother in person about once a year. He lives in Amsterdam and I live in Kansas. Before I was with him I had never had a boyfriend in person, but I had two other online boyfriends that I never met in person. When I was in high school I wasn’t really interested in sex, and I kind of knew pretty much nothing about it.

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