My intention for this post was purely to inspire my readers in that notion of taking things slowly as far as spiritualism is concerned, and to address the ever approaching feeling of my depression coming back in a way I can handle. I would have gone into little detail about the overwhelming feeling of regret, upset and disappointment of not being the ideal person. By that I mean I find it incredibly easy to be harsh to myself when I see or feel other people are doing brilliantly. I do not know or understand what it is I am missing, but for now, I shall take time and just be myself. I have decided on just letting this post just flow from my finger tips with the best hopes that I will be forgiven for not being the well rounded individual I hoped I would be by now. I have taken strides in my life and so far they have taken me down hard roads with difficult circumstances, but I have learnt to build myself up and crash back down to earth with a feather light thud. I am human after all. There is nothing wrong with wishing.
The other day a friend of mine emailed me giving me an update of a serious issue she was dealing with, and thanked me for the advice I had given her. It was basic common sense that pulled her through, Buddhist common sense entwined with Ancient Egyptian knowledge which I have talked about a lot in the past here and a slightly off topic video here. Giving advice comes easily to me, purely because it was advice that had been handed down or I had read somewhere, which allowed me to apply it to my own personal struggles. I learn through experience, I can’t any other way and thus I share my experiences with you. The inevitable thing that rises in my everyday life is the inability to take my own advice 100% of the time. It can be quite an annoying nudge when people say “It is all well and good to give advice and expect it to be taken, but why can you never take your own?” – Another friend told me this, like so many of you, but let me just point out that this makes me sound like a dictator of some sort (Quit it!) However, that is a true statement. I do follow my own advice, especially the ones detailed in those previous posts; I just lose sight and fall off the road.
I have decided on taking my own advice and that of other people too. The one form of advice, which I have had nothing but bad experiences with, is the notion of being something I am most defiantly not. I always keep trying to emulate the ‘perfect person’ or the ‘perfect witch’ or the ideal lady but I don’t have the qualities that most possess. I am taking the time to look in the mirror and just be thankful that I have something that I love about myself, and that is my intelligence. I always state how proud I am of being a nerd, even though it can be a lonely road, I feel I finally have come to a realisation that I do have something I can hone and work on for myself. I know I happen to be the thorn on a rose, but I have something the rose defiantly doesn’t. I have my own little niche and like I said, I am taking things slowly. I am going to teach myself how to open up to myself and not be so critical or harsh. It makes me unhappy when other people tell me where I have failed, but it hurts even more when their poisonous words are laced with a devastating truth. I just need to look at their words as a form of empowerment and go from there. It will take a while to be okay with some things, and I have no idea what I may encounter but I am willing.
Last night when I got home from a long day at work I sat with a candle and wrote a long list of traits I wished I could have possessed in the past, and slowly cut between them to make individual strips. I lit some incense to clear my mind and make my thoughts still. I burnt each word to nothing, smiling as they disintegrated. I am happier now in the knowledge I’m finally taking the reins and taking control of my life in a more prolific way. I shall do what I want, as long as there is reason, with the attitude of one not caring much about what others will think or say. *Tongue out*
Just in case you can’t click the above post links, take heed of my favourite forms of advice:
“Abandon any hope of fruition” – Buddhist Tonglen slogan
“Change your attitude, but remain natural” – Buddhist Tonglen slogan
Thank you Phoenix, Mr. Quality and everyone else who I love dearly even though I haven’t learnt to say so yet =]
Oh and I have decided on a huge step in my life, with caution. I want to experience something big, without feeling like I will let myself down in some way, and that thing is: Sex – future post on this soon and my thoughts on the subject and how I value it in my life.