…and why I can’t help it.
I have a mental problem, I hate to spell it out so all I’m saying is Einstein had the same problem. I can’t help being depressing, down or sensitive, it’s just who I am and how my mind works. For those of you who see me on YouTube or read my blog, or often become puzzled my Twitter feed (which is a perfect tool for random outbursts I can post rather than say in public, to myself), I am not sure how I come across and I apologise for any weirdness that tends to follow. I can make friends online over time, but the minute I ‘suspect’ something is wrong, due to a lack of contact, I assume they hate me and are trying to get rid of me. This can make me very selfish. I keep quiet, continue with my life but find out from other people or other means if I have done something to harm them in any way. 9 times out of 10 that person or those people are dealing with things that are out of their control, and have nothing to do with me, and then I feel bad. I go from feeling suspicious to worried then threatened and lastly guilty. According to my therapist, feeling this way is totally normal for most people, but the symptoms don’t last as long and neither do they affect ‘normal people’ as much as they would me.
For that I am sorry.
When I get a low period I’m really depressed, quiet and full of anxiety. Other things trigger my depression such as work, due to stress and not eating properly. It becomes a vicious cycle and it can be hard to come out of it unless something else triggers ‘happy chemicals’ in my body. If I don’t sleep, it’s because of stress and worry caused by work and my colleagues. I wake up tired and feeling utterly crap, then the thought of going to work dawns on me and that sends me into slight panic. Once I get into that frame of mind food is the last thing on my list. When the food doesn’t nourish my body, I have a bad time in bed, as I keep waking up, so I don’t sleep. When the weekend comes around I buy The Guardian/The Times to keep my mind off things. Slowly I’ll pull myself out of the cycle with distractions. After a week or so I’ll feel great and it takes one thing to trigger it again. Another problem I have to deal with is the horrible panic attacks. I had one recently caused by the constant droning of my mother’s voice over 4 hours. She drove me home and I just fell to the floor. Up until this point only my therapist and Phoenix knew. I do not have a ‘proper’ relationship with my mother, never have done and I have given up hope that I ever will.
I came across this video from the ever illustrious Miss Garrett found on YouTube at TheTempleofNature. She sums up almost everything I have to deal with on a daily basis. In my home town I don’t have many friends, and it sucks, but then I feel fine on the internet. The friends that I have on the internet are not only great advisers but I cherish every single one of them for being real, awesome and down to earth. I wish we all lived closer and I wouldn’t feel so naked in an open and uncontrollable place. I know I’m a bad friend at times due to not contacting people quick enough, or remembering birthdays and what not, and I hate that I do. I also talk down about myself a bit, and it’s because I know the truth of how far my limitations go. The other day I was on the phone to a friend and we were talking about our new and current crushes, life and fashion and she mentioned how I should go ask the guy I like out. Normally my heart would skip a beat, ‘how the hell would I do that? Why? He would only reject me because of this and that…’ I’d say to myself. I’m not brave like most people, but I’m working on it and it’ll take a little while. I just haven’t got a grip on being able to function like other people. My disease has made me intelligent but a total social fuck and so far, instead of hating it, I’m embracing it so I can take another step up the ladder.
I’m weird, but I have my ‘reasons’.
Anyhow, suicide and self harm is another subject which I’ll go into much later on, for now watch the video =]
My illness makes me creative, and thankfully my therapist has helped me hone my writing skills.
Previous Post – A Witch with depression :: Update
- Hanging on the Edge of Sanity (gypsy116.wordpress.com)
- Dear Diary: Depression is Rage Spread Thin. (insolenceandimpertinence.wordpress.com)