Since 2007, I’ve been an avid lover of Youtube. I love to watch comedy videos, get fashion tips and advice and sit and listen to reviews about comics and other products. One day I sat in front of the computer, and I wanted to type in something that I had never thought about ‘revealing’ to anyone.
I was at upper school when I first started using the internet to find out stuff about anything . I spent every break time I had at the school hiding somewhere, reading or logging onto Gaia Online or Yahoo! Geocities. I was a scared and very nervous kind of person, and in some way I still am today. The internet was my getaway, and at home we didn’t have a printer that ever worked properly after 1 week, so coming to school, hiding from the bullies meant I could research Wicca and witchcraft and print information. I had 2 big lever arch files full of paperwork I had compiled since 2000. [Authors note: floppy discs were heaven sent].
Over time I compiled much information on Wicca and subjects within the circle, and it was around this time  that I started to look at other subjects that were linked to Wicca in some way, but not entirely wiccan, and thus started my journey of naming the ‘group/path’ I belonged to, and I ended up just calling myself a witch. For me, Wicca was just too tight a circle to be in and I wanted to learn more. I set up an account for myself on Youtube and right there in the middle of a lecture [I was in my 2nd year at Film School] – at the back of the computer room – I wrote that one little word into the search box: Wicca.
That was it, from that day there were something like 5 people I watched who did vlogs talking about the subject and what it meant for them. I came across BlueFirewitch who inspired me greatly when it came to the knowledge of paganism rather than the whole ‘let’s do spells’ deal. Around that time, I came across other Youtuber’s like Tiptoechick, PrincessAnnikki (her old account) and a few other folks who were really cool, and like Bluefirewitch were much grounded. I wanted to be like them in some way, clever and cool.
By the time I plucked up the courage to do my first, and rather bad, video I had been a child of depression. I was diagnosed with manic depression back in 2004 after a really bad event, and the events that lead up to it almost destroyed me many times. Imagine being bullied since lower school, before the age of being able to read. Being told non-stop by passing kids that ‘your weird and no one likes you’, and as you get older the language changes to ‘you’re a freak and still people want to hurt you’, it can make you a very lonely, shy and withdrawn kind of person right?
I found Wicca, and it was great to begin with. I had one friend who helped get me started. She had a sleepover (my first ever party that I didn’t have to pretend to be at) and she played The Craft and Practical Magic back to back. I started looking into Wicca from that point, and she chose other friendships over me. That longing to feel connected is and has been something I’ve wished to feel and live for as long as I can remember, but the Gods and Goddesses made themselves known to me and I’ve never felt as lonely anymore. Sadly, as great as that sounds, I’ve become so used to being detached that when it comes to things like compliments and praise, I really don’t know how to handle them; they kind of poke me in the chest and make me smile, but then I feel confused because I don’t understand how a 10 minute video of me makes someone in the world feel inspired, compared to over 10 years worth of being told how freaky I am.
Just over two years later, I’m still making videos, in my own way, with my own little niche. I’m a big geek and I love it. It’s taken me a long time, and my therapist agrees, Youtube has connected me to many people and many ideas in which to conduct my life, and it’s been a great journey. I have improved a lot with my confidence, I now know a few social skills I never learned as a teen and so far it’s been one long-ass experiment, but I love it.
As much as I thank people for watching my videos, I must say it’s down to those awesome individuals who mail me asking for tips and advice that keep me wanting to film my view points on magick, Wicca and witchcraft. It’s been wonderful getting to know some of you and I hope to know much more people. I’m learning to let myself ‘accept’ more, as I’m a giver due to how I was raised, but that’s another story. My life has changed in such a way and the ups and the downs have kept me strong, and hopefully grounded as a person. These 108 Days of Self Meditation have been a great way for me to look through a telescope and look at my life properly. I’m able to examine the good things that have happened, and the bad things I learnt to deal with.
I’ve done a lot of spiritual studying and Tonglen and Lojong are Buddhist teaching’s I’ve applied to my Kemetic/Tameran path. I’ve stopped trying to get too upset about things, concerning my spirituality, but if your rock in life were the Gods and Goddesses who kept you afloat, then like me you’d do everything and anything you could to protect that. I’m learning how to deal with people on a daily basis, and with that I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going up and out. I do have a tongue of a snake, and at times I quickly jump to defences and without realising, I offend and upset people. It seems, counting up the emails I’ve received I have managed to clock up just over a 100 offended people. I’m not perfect. I never have been, and fingers crossed I won’t be, but I’m me; small, insignificant and bold.
My whole life has been ‘different’ and books, knowledge and the Gods have kept me safe and warm. I’m not the same as most people, and as much as I wish to be part of ‘that’, I know I won’t be. I spend my days off, shopping, going to the cinema alone or up in my room reading. I’m 23 and should be dealing with possible STDs and pregnancy but I’m not. It’s a lonely world out there, but I’m inspired everyday just to keep going.