Yesterday I watched the most part of an hour short talk on Loving Kindness to Oneself, which is based on attachments in life. When Bhikkhuni Hasapanna talked about how we attach ourselves to things it can be quite destructive. This got me thinking about what Pema Chodron said in her book Start Where You Are, when she stated how it’s our attachments that make our ego’s take over, and we as human beings lose sight of ourselves. We complain that we can’t fully love other people, and continuously point the finger when our faults come to the surface. The weird thing is, especially for you folks who follow Karma and the philosophy of the Rede, it’s us who need to let go of our ego. I don’t mean ‘let go’ in the sense that we do everything we can to get rid of our ego’s, we need it, but I mean let go in that we show ego it’s now time for us to shine, and that he/she doesn’t need to anymore, or at least not much.
I’ve been someone who was constantly told I was ‘bad’ as a child and thus when I grew up I believed it, and still do today. One of my worst habits is putting myself down. Only recently I’ve been able to see a side of myself that I am proud of, and side of me I know is the real me, the part I want to introduce to my family and friends, but I have a long way to go before I ever think about doing that. That inner fear is holding me back, and it’s that loss of esteem that I refer attachment to. I’m so comfortable hiding in the corner, so okay with being a wise brat that I refer to my journal or this blog to say what I have to say without people reading it. I attachment myself to living in the dark and I ask, how can I love myself?
I have this obsession with wanting to help people, all the time and at the same time there are some people who i don’t want to help but I have to in order to avoid confrontation. Every time I think about avoiding confrontation with people, or re-read quotes from Pema Chodron’s books, something a friend told me ages ago keeps ringing in my head. It referred to something someone told him, and it’s a teaching I hold dear. I want to be a good, kind and loving person. I want to be able to really understand what seems like to be a human.
I am slowly finding that through shamatha vipassana (loving kindness meditation) I’m able to look at my faults, my attachments and open my eyes to accept them in order to move on. Since day 2# I’ve been really feeling my heart, really feeling what my body is trying to tell me. My dreams have been more vivid, and I know exactly what needs to be done. I have a feeling a huge change is on the way and I’m ready to sit comfortably in the hands of the Gods.
I have the ability to be angry, to be sad, to be happy and to be in love. What I don’t have, is the ability to throw away the important attachments in my life just yet. One day I will, hopefully soon. That way I’ll have the answer to question with many answers.
What’s your meaning to life?
How do your attachments effect how you live?
Why do you let them?
What would happen if you got out of that corner and actually braved it and lived life?