I’ve been doing a little lojong and tonglen practise for a few weeks now and it’s incredibly fascinating. I’ve been reading the slogans from ‘When Things Fall Apart’ and ‘Start Where You Are’ by Pema Chödrön and it’s helping me out in a huge way. I like to look for other spiritual vehicles to broaden my horizon in life and then bring it all back to my witchy core.
This slogan, ‘Give up all hopes of fruition’ came to me at the right time. That’s the sort of thing my mum or my aunt who’s a retired ‘old school’ Midwife and Matron says to women who want to have children but find they can’t; that’s usually the time they do actually give up on hopes of becoming mothers and bam! They’re pregnant! (Then my aunt would step in and say – ‘Hush up now child! Keep it a secret!) For me I’m pinning that slogan to my current situation, which never seems to leave me alone, and that’s love. Before I started reading Pema Chödrön’s books I was a typical single girl who was vex once every two months, cried herself to sleep almost every night and pondered why I was the only single girl at 15… or 18… or 22. I hated being single, I hated knowing that at my age I had never found anyone.
Around the age of 20 I decided upon brahmacharya, which is a path taken up by yogis who practise yoga, chakra healing and meditation, to abstain from any kind of sexual misconduct (so basically that’s where the celibacy came in). I’ve had lots of crushes, but only a very small number of encounters with men. I’ve even gone as far as almost telling someone I liked them… but he blew me off before I’d even said hello. I used to be known as the ‘wing-chick’ with a few of my guy friends, and that helped them get laid for the night, but when it came to me meeting a guy they’d often ask for the numbers of my girl friends behind me. That used to bum me out, and I’m sure if any of you were in the situation you’d be bummed out too. I used to really get myself worked up, and that’s the ego taking hold of me. Making me week and not doing its job properly.
Lojong and tonglen so far, alongside Pema have shown me how to accept myself and once I’m able to tap into my own core, learn to accept others and deal with other situations which are in or out of my control. Recently I got some news that in the past I would have hated to hear ‘yet again’, but somehow i took it well due to the slogan ‘Give up all hopes of fruition’. If i give up on looking for love, and hoping for love without actually giving up on love itself, then living my single life should be okay. I’m living for today, for now and definitely tomorrow.
I love this song, I heard it on Eat Pray Love and I listen to it to soothe me and keep my soul conscious to the world. I want to let go, but not cry. I’m going to stand firm and be myself, my ego is not going to pull me down.