Over the past year or less than that, a few friends and folks have mentioned to me that I’ve lost weight. No dieting as I’m far too lazy/busy for that, but I do have my health reasons that sadly I’m not willing to clarify. For those of you, who know keep it quiet! Another major reason, I was a late developer so I’m still growing and it sucks. In a way I look at the mirror and I like to stare; all kinds of thoughts pop in and out of my head like “Oh! Those trousers look fab!” or “I’m so tired and I look clammy… wtf?” I’m a young woman who has the same body hang ups as anyone else, the only problem… I’ve lost 2 stone within a few months and I feel I want to lose more. I can’t, as I’m thinking about it, but once I get back into that work, work, work zone I’ll be so stressed out I won’t eat.
(Just writing this is bugging me… I never open up about anything) To me, diets and losing weight has always been one of those things that either rich people do, or they were just fads that seem to stress dieters’ out as they didn’t work. I just stick to the good diet rule, eat what the hell you like, enjoy it but remember your doctor is there to guide you if you get stuck.
For me, I started out losing the weight back in October 2009, and before I knew it I’d gone from a 14 stone girl to a 12 stone diva. I stopped the dieting at that point but stuck with the ‘healthy’ diet of salad on a 12 hour shift at work with the odd sandwich here and there and did more yoga to keep me toned. Sadly, the impact I got received from a nurse back in March 2009 had started me on a nasty cycle. I moved back to my home town after living in Warrington and Manchester. I needed to get my old doctor back and thus came the nurse’s examination. She weighed me, 14 stone, and recorded my height 5”9’. According to the BMI ‘guideline’ I was borderline overweight, her words hit me like a brick.
“Your borderline obese, you need to lose weight dear.”
I couldn’t believe it. There I was sitting there smiling without a care in the world, a girl who’s just starting to get back on track with life after dropping out of film school, being told she’s borderline obese. Wtf? When I got home I looked in the mirror and cried. I never felt ‘bad’ about my body, I just had complaints about it but never did anything about them as I was comfortable. Freakish boobs didn’t help as they had their own weight so maybe they made my weight a little crazy… they hurt my shoulders so badly… Yeah I have super skinny friends who seem happy with their bodies, but I also had friends who I considered to be normal like me. I found comfort in my old renaissance art books, where authors talked heavily about the female body and how larger women were considered more beautiful – and that’s the truth! But I couldn’t help but feel worse for ware as a total stranger said I was ‘borderline obese’. Those words and the look on her face still haunt me today. So much so I dare not see the doctor alas he says I should see her.
Along came more exercise, overworking, stress and a not yet diagnosed problem that took another stone. From April this year people started to notice. I tried to hide it most times, just y covering up but by then I was addicted to the fact I could wear trousers from the ‘tall’ sections at a smaller size. For the first time in my life I felt that I actually loved my body. I smiled more, noticed less pain when walking up and down the stairs and I just felt great. I went to my annual check up and the nurse was different, and she seemed pleased with my outcome. The only problem now was my mini illness and the stress it caused that was and still is affecting my diet. Part of me feels, ‘Yup, I’m good, I’m going to stop now.’ But I can’t… my shrink is cool, and reckons I need to change things in my life in order to feel balanced or I’ll take ‘dieting’ to a bad place.
With the pros, my weight loss, though it was healthy eating and stress, has made me more beautiful. Guys actually notice me where they never did, and I photograph better. I know that sounds ultra stupid, but I’ve always been the invisible girl. However, there are major cons too. People who I have come across have said I look ‘sick’, I can’t help that, I am sick; whilst other concerns are the problems that may arise if I become addicted to weight loss. I’m already obsessing over it, I check my weight almost daily and it’s become a habit. When I go out I’ll eat normally, when I’m at home I eat normally – but it’s the weighing that’s bugging me. I have a fear of getting any heavier. I think that’s a concern a lot of women have once they lose weight.
I’m angry at the nurse who made me feel worse than I already did, I hate the stress of work and life but I’m happy with myself so far. I’m just as scared but I’m positive about it (if that makes sense…)
Be careful if you considering a diet, ask your doctor and pray you have a nice nurse!