Sy Calaelen

I’m Okay :)

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To look back on my life is a tough one. I can’t say that my life was easy, even though it seemed like it was. I can’t say that all the troubles and heartache I got from bullies and other nasty folk was something I hadn’t learnt something from. All of my past experiences, as sad as they were, are lessons in strength. I’m a confident (sometimes), stylish, proud pagan and easy going kind of girl. I like to make friends yadda yadda yadda, and have fun whilst doing so.

At school, my life, without a certain 2 people, was pretty hollow. No one noticed me, and I’d goof around trying to make people laugh. The sad thing is, I’m funny, and they were just too dumb to notice it. Often teachers put me down, and so I didn’t do well during the early Key stages, but I met some really lovely teachers who encouraged me to keep my head up and never fail in anything, and to them and an old friends brother, I passed my GCSE’s and half of my A Levels. Yay!

Anyway, enough about school… later blog probably… The one that comes to mind when talking about school life with pals or sharing stories with close friends are the games, the antics and of course, the love stories. Well, in my case, the lack thereof. I crushed on 2 guys my entire life from year 5 up to year 9. They were the bombs! (Bomb?? Who uses that??) Every guy I met, or tried to hang with totally zoned me out. I get I’m the freaky kid who followed them about, like they were my friends. I used to hang out with the ‘cool crowd’, you know, the ones who weren’t popular, but they were known to smoke and drink underage and get away with it (on school grounds!!) – Cool! I loved standing next to the girl who was eyed up by every older boy who walked past her. Of course they weren’t looking at me; I was just the ultimate ugly accessory that made all the average girls seem super hot. So from a fairly young age, being ignored by guys and being bullied by girls for being so damn ugly meant I was ugly and I had to hate myself for it.

The funny thing is (again…) I can look back at my old school photos and know that I am beautiful to at least one person, and all I need to do is put a bit of slap on to feel even sexier. I have a radiant smile, an infectious laugh, a rather manly voice… okay maybe not… but I’m happy with who I am. Don’t get me wrong, I feel pain when people say horrible things about me, and when I hang around the wrong kind of people, but I do my best not to let them get me down. Only I can live my life the way I want, they can’t. I feel ugly around pretty people just like anyone else, but deep down I’m okay, because one day I’ll meet someone who’ll make me feel good knowing they feel good too.

So I can’t pull on a night out, and somehow I don’t think I ever will, but at least I make myself happy. I have my books, my movies, my clothes, my friends (I do have some!) and my magick. I know who I am and I’m proud. I can stand up and say that too.

Sy x

The vid in yesterday’s entry was from a lovely person I met. He sent it to me after I told him I loved Stephen Fry. So watch the vid, below or click the link : https://sycalaelen.wordpress.com/2010/09/12/stephen-fry-is-sooo-right/

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Author: Sy Calaelen

Sy Calaelen is a British writer, blogger and Youtube vlogger, though she isn't filming at the moment. English literature graduate and future social work graduate. Both sites will focus on literary reviews, book lists, comic books and nerd chat, writing and novel tips, and discussions in magick, paganism and the occult. A mixture of everything from her. Reach out on social media from Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube, Instagram, GoodReads, and Pinterest.

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