I just found out I have won the film studies award and my prize is a £10 book voucher. Woohh Hooohh!!!- anyway, time for more rants.For the past few days I have noticed something weird and wrong about me. I don’t do what other 18yr olds do. I don’t go out I do schoolwork or add chapters to my novel. I don’t get drunk in groups, I drink by myself. Everyone goes out to parties, no one remembers I exist. I invite people to spend time with me and they are always busy. I have to invite myself over to their house just to get out of mine and they act pleased to see me but their body language tells me otherwise. It hurts when they lie, but I can’t help blaming myself for these problems.
I grew up in a strict Christian family and anything outside of this world was condemned unclean. I was neglected throughout my childhood. My mum was always out with random guys, I didn’t know I had a dad till I was 7 and my aunt was a full-time midwife so she was never around much. I had only 3 other friends who slowly disappeared form my life. I cry myself to sleep most nights after having a bad day at school/college.As soon as the school day is over all my ‘friends’ go off to each others houses and play games, chill out, watch movies or go out. No one even asks if I want to come with them. So I go home to an empty house and wait until 5 to pick up my sister from nursery. For the rest of the day I’m up in my room just staring out the window or checking my phone every five minutes for a txt from someone wanting me to chill out with them. Nothing happens.
I have realised that I am very boring but that’s because I can’t socialise. The only true friends I have are my imaginary friends. K, that just makes me a freak, I don’t talk to them, I write diary entries to them – that’s all! – o.OBut what hurts more, is when I say a comment about something random and my ‘friends’ say, “God Sy, you need to go out more!” I want to ask them why they don’t help me or ask me to chill out with them but I’m not strong enough. I get upset quite easily but I hide it behind a laugh. They don’t realise how much they taunt me for being a freak, I know it’s up to me to stand up for myself but I can’t, I’m just too scared.I have noticed that what people have said to me over the past few years is true. I am a freak, I am weird, I am boring, I am a bit of a sex fiend, I am a loner and I do need to go out more but why doesn’t someone hang out with me? Maybe if someone did that I wouldn’t be such an oddity.
Music:Gojira and Trivium